It's SPORTS, Baby!

As America begins to slouch forward this week, shrugging off it's collective hangover after the annual national party known simply as "The SuperBowl," I got thinking about the average bachelor and his relationship to sports. 

Now, I'm a big sports fan.  In my younger days, I used to play football, baseball, racquetball, basketball, and I wasn't bad.  Not long ago, I used to spend every Sunday at a park with coworkers and friends playing volleyball.  I still get to the batting cages and enjoy a rousing game of softball as well.  In fact, in the past few years, I played indoor soccer (I was horrible), dodgeball and softball on organized teams in actual leagues.  I even used to fence (no, not building fences, but swordfighting).  I still manage to get out for a few rounds of golf a year. 

Sports and the Bachelor, it's a touchdown every time!

It's a commonly held belief that women don't really enjoy sports.  Or at least not as much as their men do.  However, I have to say that living in Colorado at least, that's not really the case.  Most of the women I know are WAY more active than I am.  Which leads me to the conclusion that at least when it comes to PLAYING sports, it's actually a benefit for bachelors to actively engage in sports, even if it's beer-league kickball. 

But when it comes to watching sports?  Well, now, that's a completely different ball of wax.  And I'm not even just talking about watching it on TV.  For some reason, women don't get that bachelors, most of them anyway, really enjoy watching their favorite sports, whether it's on TV or in person at a stadium.

Plus, there's another aspect of sports that really seems to baffle womankind everywhere, and that's the bachelor's infatuation and uncanny knowledge of sports minutiae.  Sure, we can't remember her birthday, or her favorite colors and if you put a gun to our head, we might have a hard time remembering her eye color.  But ask us how many stolen bases Ricky Henderson had in 1988, or who won the Home run derby in 1999, we'll rattle off names, numbers and even do a play by play for you.

So this post is for the women.  It's a little insight into how sports fits into the life of a bachelor, and, how you can use sports to "get your man". 

It's A Guy Thing:

I have a lot of female friends who enjoy their sports. They like to play sports and heck, they'll even watch it from time to time.  But in my time wandering this planet, it's very, VERY rare to find a woman with the kind encyclopedic knowledge of sports your typical bachelor often has. 

I can't explain why I know the batting average for Andres Gallaraga in 1995, but I always forget a girl's birthday or an anniversary date.  What I DO know is that I'm not alone.  Many bachelors have this problem.

Ladies, before we go forward, you have to know something right from the start.  This isn't a personal thing.  We still care about you, it's just that our minds are already cluttered with stats and highlights and information that is basically totally useless in the real world.  Basically, it's a guy thing.  You wouldn't understand it, and we don't expect you to, honest.  At best we hope you can deal with it and know that we're not trying to be idiots, it just comes naturally.

Bowl-A-Rama

I spent this past Sunday, like a lot of Americans, hanging out with friends, eating wings, drinking beer and watching the Packers beat the Steelers in SuperBowl 45.  There were men, there were women, rooting interests were established, comments on the commercials were made, the halftime show was scrutinized. 

A lot of the comments about the game itself came from three of the guys in the room.  Another guy wasn't really into the game.  He was married, but I think the fact that he's from Puerto Rico had more to do with that than his nuptials.  One woman actually left in the middle of the first quarter to go to church, another sat in the back and said nothing for two hours, a third woman was playing hostess, a fourth woman kept commenting on the players butts, and my friend Mere, actually was watching the game and making timely, intelligent comments.

Now I'm not going to say one is better than the other, but from a bachelor's perspective, only one of the women I mentioned previously was an actual joy to have at the party.  It's not that sitting quietly in the corner is a bad thing, it's just that it's kind of awkward.  Playing hostess is a good thing, an absolute necessity, but frankly, bachelors could go an entire game without ever hearing how nice the players' butts look in their pants.  We just don't want to hear that.

However, if a woman make a comment about a particular player or a play or makes an astute observation about how the 3-4 alignment of the defense is leaving gaping holes in the secondary for the faster wide receivers....well, for some bachelors, that's terms for love at first sight. 

Seriously, ladies, we love that.  Listen, we're not asking you to be able to remember all those useless statistics.  That's our job, and if you do it better than us, then we're going to feel a little emasculated.  But simply by trying, just the little act of knowing something, well, that might be the best way to capture a bachelor's attention.

It shows us that you care about the things we care about.  It let's us know that you understand our infatuation with men the size of of a schoolbus slamming into each other at 100 miles an hour.  More importantly, it's a subtle approving nod that tells us, "it's okay, go ahead and remember your stupid statistics and forget my birthday, because I'm going to drag you to a tupperware party someday, and you'll be okay with it."

And we will be.  Because it's a two way street.  We see that you're trying to enjoy the game and learn something about it.  Plus, we'll appreciate not having to answer a million inane questions while our favorite team is down by three with two minutes to go.  We'll gladly go to that tupperware party or baby shower, and while you're mingling with your girlfriends discussing taffeta, or shoes, or whatever you talk about, we'll be in the corner proudly regaling our friends with the one time you knew the difference between a zone and man-to-man coverage scheme.

Baseball Daze:

Of course, the SuperBowl is one thing.  Even non-football fans watch that game.  But baseball is a different beast entirely.

A little caveat here, I'm a huge baseball fan.  Like golf, I'll watch it on TV if it's on.  But like golf, it's always better in person.  Golf is much more enjoyable to play.  Baseball is much more enjoyable to see in person.

I love baseball so much, that it's on my list of must-do dates.  In other words, when I start to think that I'm getting really interested in a woman, I'll take her to a baseball game.  If she hates it, I pretty much know the relationship is doomed.  If she has a blast, then there's hope and reason to move forward. 

I'm not asking you to suddenly begin loving baseball.  That's just something you can't fake.  In most cases, all I can do is simply ask that you not HATE baseball.  But if you're interested in a guy, one of the best things you can do is to at least try and like his favorite sport.  It may be football, or baseball or hockey or basketball or bicycling.  It doesn't matter.  Just try to take an interest.  For the reasons I stated above, plus one other reason.

Like my baseball date, bachelors will take a woman to their favorite sporting event as a kind of test.  We WANT you to like our favorite sport because we WANT to spend fun times with you.  Part of that is being able to have a shared connection with a particular team.  Not liking our favorite sport is almost always a signal to the bachelor that the relationship is going to fail.  It's that important.

Couch Potato:

Finally, a lot of women get really upset at their men for sitting around on the couch watching golf or basketball or whatever.  For some reason, right about kickoff or first pitch or tip off, women decide THAT'S when they need the trash taken out or the sink fixed or errands run. 

Don't do this.  Again, I'm not saying you have to let your man sit around the house for hours on end, eating pizza, watching ballgames and turning into Jabba-The-Hut.  But don't hound them either.  After a while, it really starts to seem vindictive.  Like you're just angry that for three hours on Sunday, we're not paying attention to you and paying more attention to grown men playing kids games. 

All we ask is that you be aware of when "the game" is on.  It's not that we won't take the trash out or fix the sink or run the errands.  It's just that we prefer to do this stuff BEFORE or AFTER "the game". 

On the plus side, if you ever want to break up with a guy, one of the quickest ways to do the deed is to constantly bother him during "the game" or mock his favorite sport or sports team.  Trust me, chances are, he'll break it off and come out looking like the bad guy in the whole affair.

Tips For Chicks:

So with all that said, here are some tips ladies can use to catch the attention of that particular bachelor, or at the very least, ways you can manage to not screw things up by messing up the all-important sports issue.

1.  Find out what his favorite sport is - try watching a few games to see if you might enjoy it also
2.  Learn the rules - nothing is more annoying than having to answer a ton of questions when all we want to do is watch the game.
3.  Figure out the key players - You don't have to know all the players, just the big names and the teams they play for.  Knowing some of their big achievements or why they're important also helps
4.  Know the schedule - Some sports like baseball and basketball have a ton of games, but not all are important.  The big games, though, do matter.  Try to know when the big matchups are on.
5.  Do some research - The internet is a wonderful thing.  Do a little background research on the sport, learn the teams, understand some of the rivalries, find out about some of the key moments in the sports' history.

One final thing.  As a 40 year old bachelor, I'm not in the loop like I used to be when it comes to pop culture.  That means I have to go out of my way a couple of times a week to try and find out the latest gossip with the recent hollywood hotties, or the most current musical superstar.  I watch "The Soup" I check out the internet, I even ask my friends who ARE in the know.  This way, I can try to at least not sound completely out of it when those topics are discussed. 

I'm not always successful, but I will say that I love the look on the faces of my more hip friends when I actually know who Will-I-Am is or the words to the latest Hanna Montana song. 

So now you know.  Of course, you won't be required to spend your weekends at HOOTERS or sit through a double-header at Coors Field.  But you'll have plenty of opportunities to strut your sports knowledge in front of your bachelor friends.

The SuperBowl may be over, but right around the corner is March Madness.  It's a perfect time to test your new-found sports skills.  Join a pool, catch a game with your bachelor buds and see how they react when you talk about how the ACC is really down this year or how San Diego State is a Final Four quality team, even if it does play in the Mountain West Conference. 

They'll spit beer through their nose and then look at you in disbelief.  But then don't be surprised if they don't offer to buy you a plate of wings and later ask you out.  Try it and let me know. 

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Wow, I can't believe it's been an entire MONTH since my last post.  I have a ton of things to post about, I've just been busy with work, and life in general.  So many things to talk about, from bachelor parties, to date etiquette to "crazy" girls (of which I have more than my share of experience with).  Of course, I'm always open to any thoughts or ideas you might have.  Want to ask me a question?  Just send it to me here or on my Facebook page under "The Bachelor Diaries".  I'm happy to answer any question that's bachelor-oriented. 

 

"Ooohhh, I'll smack you good, I will!"

But for right now, I want to talk about the time-honored tradition of the "Bachelor apology".  If you're not a bachelor, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about.  That's because the B.A. as it's called isn't between a bachelor and a woman, it's something that is strictly between two bachelors.

That isn't to say that there isn't the old-fashioned bachelor apology to a lady.  But that's usually simply called, "The Apology".  When a bachelor has to apologize to a woman for something stupid they've done, there's a specific way to do it.  Sometimes it involves trinkets, like jewelry, or chocolates or a new car, depending on how stupid the bachelor was.

The important thing to remember when apologizing to a woman is to:

1.  Be sincere - In the absence of actually BEING sincere, at least SOUND sincere
2.  Assume all blame - Never implicate her in any way.  Take all responsibility
3.  It's not about you - It's all about how SHE feels, not how bad YOU feel

There you go.  Follow these three basic rules and you'll be okay, most of the time.  Also remember that women have particularly long memories.  They often won't tell you exactly how they feel, they'll get mad at you for not simply "knowing" how they feel, and they'll tell you everything is okay even when it's obvious that everything is NOT okay.  Apologizing to a woman is a landmine, inside a war zone, wrapped in ground zero of a nuclear bomb.  

In other words...it can be tricky.


ManSpeak:

But none of this applies when the apology is bachelor to bachelor.  It's way simpler and uses far less words.  But while the bachelor apology is easier, there are still some things to remember to make it a real apology and mend fences between two feuding dudes.

What a lot of women don't understand is that, simply put, men fight.  We like to fight.  It's kind of in our blood.  When I was growing up I used to get into scraps all the time with the boys in my neighborhood.  We'd take something pretty stupid and blow it up into this big thing and the next thing you know, we were wrestling on the ground, slapping each other with sticks or pushing someone out of the treehouse. 

When I got older, I had some friends that I used to hang out with, playing racquetball, or basketball or board games.  It didn't matter what it was, we were all young and hyper-competitive.  It was only natural that tempers would sometimes flare.  Sometimes I would get into fights on the courts, racquetball rackets flying, or basketballs being flung at heads.  Hell, I even got into a fistfight over a game of Risk one day.  Words were exchanged, dice was tossed in the general direction of someone's head, fists of fury flew.

And lest you think that maybe I was the only one with an anger management problem, all of my friends at one time or another had fights with someone else in the group.  It didn't matter if it was a pick up game, a game of cards, football practice, baseball practice, etc.

The thing is, guys fight...all the time.  Now this came in handy when I started working in news.  People fight all the time in newsrooms...seriously.  Sometimes punches are even thrown.  Everyone in a newsroom is opinionated.  However, it's important to remember this...it's never personal.  You can get angry, you can fight, say mean things and raise your voice.  You can even throw a punch.  But it's never personal. 

Again, I realize that this can be a difficult concept for some to grasp.  But usually bachelor fights are intense and over very quickly.  They're also usually about something stupid.  A fact not lost on most battling participants once the anger has subsided.  Once the fight is over, a few things need to happen before you can get to the actual apology.

First, you need a little time.  And I'm not talking "girl" time, which we all know can mean anywhere from 24 hours to three years.  Bachelor time can be basically be broken into two categories. 

1.  One day
2.  The time it takes to sober up

If the fight was alcohol-fueled, you HAVE to wait until both parties have sobered up and have figured out what exactly happened.  This is usually the case for bachelors over the age of 21.  If the fight was motivated by something else, then a day is usually sufficient. 


The only two exceptions to this rule are:

1.  The person you had a fight with is a rival or someone you already disliked.  This kind of fight carries grudges and no apologies will be forthcoming, so no need to worry about it.
2.  The fight was over a woman.  In this case, things get murky.  Frankly, bachelors shouldn't be fighting over a woman.  It's undignified and no one wins. 

I've had fights over a woman, it never turns out well.  I used to date a woman named Sarah.  A pretty redhead who was very high-maintenance and prickly at times.  We went out with an old friend one night and he proceeded to get drunk.  Sarah didn't like my friend pretty much from the get go.  She let me know it and wanted me to ditch him so we could go somewhere else together.  At first, I was reluctant, I mean, you shouldn't let a woman dictate your friends, right?  But then he continued to drink and got really hammered.  At one point, Sarah had had enough and frankly told him to beat it.  My friend took offense and proceeded to call her several "bad" names.  I didn't want to beat the crap out of my friend, but I was really pissed.  I mean, truly furious.  I simply told my friend, what he did was unacceptable and that we were through.

About six months later, Sarah and I were through.  I haven't spoken to my friend since that incident nearly eight years ago.  So, I guess we all lost, except Sarah, who ended up in a happy relationship with someone else.  So, you see, no one wins when you fight over a woman.

Anyway, once the fight is over, a little time has passed and everyone is sober, it's time for the actual apology, bachelor-style!

Dude, my bad:

Chuckle if you want, but I've actually apologized using those exact words.  And it worked, because...well, because guys are simple.  In fact, when it comes to the Bachelor Apology, the fewer words and less emotion involved, the better. 

Here is an example of a typical B.A.

Joe - Hey, uh...I'm uh....
John - Yeah, I know...ummm...whatever.
Joe - No, I mean it, I uhhh...you know.
John - It's cool.  I'm...you know...I'd never really...
Joe - Yeah.
John - So, let's just...
Joe - Totally over.  I just...I mean, my bad, dude.
John - So we're good?
Joe - We're good.

See how simple that was?  No actual sentences.  More like a jumble of unfinished phrases and thoughts.  What you couldn't see was the handshake that follows it at the end, or the man-hug afterwards.  This is a lot like other "deep" conversations that men have.  few words, but the meaning gets across somehow.

In the end, being a man, being a bachelor has its advantages.  You can express entire thoughts and feelings in the span of two minutes and fifteen words.  The problem comes when you're SO used to expressing entire thoughts in broken phraseology, that you struggle to communicate with women who, for some odd reason, require you to speak in full sentences.

Of course you can't apologize to a woman like this, but that's what bachelor friends are for.  So you don't HAVE to use your words, at least when you don't want to. 

Doing The Party Thing

One of the things about being a bachelor is that you always have someone to go to parties with.  On the flip side, you never really have anyone to go to parties with.  Confused?  Don't be, let me explain.

As a bachelor, I know a number of women who are definitely what you might call "catches".  They're attractive, funny, smart, you know the deal.  Some of them are already dating someone, some are confirmed bachelorettes.  Some are just in between relationships.  Whatever the issue, the fact is that I can generally find one of them accompany me to a party or at the very least meet me at said party.

As a bachelor, I absolutely LOVE parties.  All kinds of parties.  Of course, the best parties take place between the end of October and the end of December.  There are a few others, like St. Patrick's Day and Fourth of July, but mostly, those are more like outings rather than parties since bar-hopping is usually involved.

But when it comes to parties, the New Years Eve party is often the most anticipated and the one that involves the most upside as well as the biggest potential for disappointment.  There is a reason for this, which I'll get to in just a second.  But first, we have to have a "Party Primer" for those still wrestling with the concept of fun and frivolity.

The Party Types:

1.  The formal party - These parties are generally reserved for weddings, funerals (yes, funerals), graduations, prison releases and office gatherings.  These parties are fraught with landmines such as not getting too drunk and ruining your tux with the remnants of your last meal, or hitting on your boss's wife or making out with the office slut.  These parties are more like networking opportunities than parties.  There are rules and protocols you have to follow and if you don't people will talk and you'll bear the shame until the next poor doofus does something even more stupid.  While these parties CAN be fun, you have to be careful about what you say, who you say it to and what you do.


The "Formal Party" can be made more enjoyable by having a date with you.  If you bring the right person, hours of fun can be had by simply sitting in the back and mocking your co-workers, the bridesmaids, relatives of the recent grad, well, you get the point.  Anything is open for mockery, the way they walk, the clothes they wear, the bad toupee being worn by uncle Bernie.  Don't do it too loudly, don't laugh at inappropriate times (like during the eulogy) and stay relatively sober.  


2.  The "Outing" Event - These parties generally revolve around special celebrations, be they obvious or obscure.  St. Patrick's Day outings are a good example, as are the Frozen Dead Man Days in Leadville.  Regardless of what is being celebrated these parties often involve large groups of people who may or may not know each other being crammed into a tiny bar and then moving this mass of people to another bar and so on until slowly the herd is culled until only the strongest survive.  It's kind of like Lord Of The Flies for alcoholics. 


These parties can be fun, and they're a great way to meet new and exciting potential partners since there will often be a lot of new faces in the crowd.  The date you bring to this kind of party is really there to act as, A. your wingman, or B. your designated driver.  The biggest rule to remember for this kind of party is to stay up with the group, know your limits and make sure you have bail money.  


3.  The Houseparty - These are my favorite parties because they can be so intimate and yet at the same time, very unpredictable.  A houseparty can erupt at any time, for any reason, which is why they can be so much fun.  You don't have to have a good reason for a houseparty other than a simple desire to have one.  Sometimes these parties are smaller and you'll know everyone in attendance.  Other times they can be massive and involve random groups of folks wandering in and out like a locust attack.  They'll eat the food, drink the beer and move on.

The rules for enjoying a good houseparty are simple.  Don't break anything, especially in the bathroom, don't throw up on a floor, don't piss off the host, REALLY don't piss off the hosts' girlfriend and/or wife, if a fight breaks out, leave, make sure it's okay to pass out there if you have to, did I mention not to throw up on the floor?  The date you bring to this party is a wildcard.  On one hand, it's a great way to get closer to said friend.  The houseparty is great for making out with someone, particularly later at night.  On the other hand, you could spend the night simply hanging out with your date, again, mocking the unknowns if it's a huge party involving lots of strangers.  Sometimes the house party can get too intimate and suddenly things might get a little awkward between you and your "date".  It's always great to have a date at a houseparty to check in with from time to time, depending on the size of the party, but, and this is important, only invite a date you really know and really like to a houseparty because anything can happen and you want to be with someone who is, ahem, flexible and is open to craziness.

New Years Eve:

All of which brings us to the New Years Eve Party.  Certainly any of these three kinds of parties can take place on December 31st.  But without a doubt, the best kind of NYE party is the houseparty.  I say this for a couple of reasons.  For most bachelors, nights like New Years Eve and St. Patrick's Day are what we call, "Amateur Hour" because this is when the party-time partiers come out in force.  These are the ones that end up drinking to much and driving back to their remote suburbs where they'll later regale the neighborhood for years with stories of how they braved the downtown crowds for a 30-second glimpse of fireworks.

Anyway, because its amateur hour, it's always a good idea to get off the roads and find a nice, safe haven where you can get drunk, be stupid and pass out in peace without the fear of getting mugged, arrested or hooking up with someone who will give you nightmares well into your 60's.

But even if you manage to find a quality houseparty to attend on New Years Eve, there are still rules to follow in order to make your party not only memorable, but enjoyable as well (trust me, there IS a difference).  So, in an effort to make everyone's New Years one for the ages and to help us all ring in 2011 on a good note, The Bachelor Diaries is happy to present the top ten things you need to do to help make December 31, 2010 the best that it can be.

1.  Keep your expectations simple - One of the biggest mistakes bachelors make when it comes to New Years Eve parties is that their expectations are simply too high.  Hey, we've all seen "When Harry Met Sally," and thought we'd all like to think that we'll have that one special moment at midnight, chances are that you'll be getting a peck on the cheek from the hot girl in the room if you get a kiss at all.  Be content with being with friends, having drinks and toasting in a new year.  Seriously, the higher the expectations, the greater chance of being disappointed. 


2.  Bring your own alcohol - Yes, you can generally assume that there is a lot of alcohol at a houseparty, and chances are you can help yourself to the copious amounts of liquor on hand.  But by bringing your own alcohol, you ensure that you'll always have something to drink that you like, plus you won't feel like a mooch when you finish off your friends' last bottle of hard cider.


3.  Recognize how special the night is - This is particularly true if you're with a group of close friends.  With all the strife, sadness, terror and loneliness in the world, you'll do well to realize how luck you are to have close friends, a roof over your head and a life worth living.  You get to see a new year which means another chance to "get it right".  It's 365 more days you can spend with your friends, try to improve yourself, realize your dreams.  Take a moment and tell those close to you how you feel about them and toast to a great year ahead..but...


4.  Don't get overly sentimental - No one likes a sappy drunk.  Besides, too much sentimentality can make it seem less real.  Certainly take the time to make a toast and tell the group how you feel, but if you feel the need to get really personal, do it one on one.


5.  Be with someone special - This doesn't have to be your date or someone who you're in love with.  It could be your best friend, a lover, someone you're interested in, the point is, you want to ring in the new year with them by your side if you can.  Now, this might not be possible, and if it isn't, find the next best person.  Like the old song says, "Love the one you're with".


6.  Take a risk - It's New Years Eve.  All years you've tried to play by the rules, all year you've been good.  This is the time to do something crazy, fun, maybe even a little out of character.  Streak with friends through a park, sing karaoke for the first time, ask that person you've had your eye on out on a date.  Why not start the new year on a positive note by doing something daring.  (Notice I did not say stupid or life threatening...again, there IS a difference).


7.  No Strippers - Listen, strippers are skanks, no offense, but they are.  They're just above hookers on the food chain.  Strippers at a houseparty is an invitation for trouble and probably some kind of venerial disease.  They'll cost you money that could be spent on alcohol and invariably a fight will break out, it happens when strippers are near.  That's why when I'm at a bar and a fight breaks out I immediately look around for the stripper.  Sometimes they're disguised in regular clothes, but they're there, trust me.  Seriously, strippers will only lead to the bad end of a potentially great party.


8.  Tell Stories - One of the best parts about New Years is taking the time to look back on the previous year and remembers all the great moments that you shared with your friends.  Take some time to recall the funny, embarrassing or outlandish moments you had through the year.  You can also take a moment to remember those who aren't with you anymore.  There's nothing like a good story to bring life to a party.


9.  Take Stock - Certainly this is something that is often best reserved for those quiet moments in the early morning hours when it's only you and a few close friends left standing (or staggering, whatever).  This is a good time to look ahead and figure out what you want in the coming year.  Do you want to continue being a bachelor?  Do you want to turn in your card and settle down?  Do you want to finally make the leap with that special someone or do you want to continue to live the life of a bachelor?  When I say take stock in regards to bachelors, I'm specifically talking about relationships.  Hey, they matter, even to bachelors, and this is the best time to sit back and think about important matters such as that.


10.  Pace yourself - This is VERY VERY important, so listen up!  Sure it's tempting to want to throw down loads and loads of alcohol from the start.  But if you aren't careful, you'll be the one slumped on the couch around 11pm who wakes up and wonders what the hell happened and unsure why you only have one eyebrow.  Get drunk, drink, have fun, but don't overdo it or else you'll regret it the next day and not because the hangover will be brutal but because you'll have missed the entire party, especially those great moments early in the morning when the best stuff happens.

These are basic rules for enjoying the New Years Eve houseparty.  Remember the old houseparty rules still apply, don't piss anyone off, leave when a fight breaks out and don't break anything.  So, as 2010 slips away into the mists of time and we all prepare for another 12 months of trials, tribulations and joy, remember that it's not so much the party that matters, for the bachelor, like everyone else, it's who you are partying with that matters.

Oh, and seriously, don't throw up on the floor.

You Look Maaahhhvelous!

They say that clothes make the man.  I tend to agree.  Of course, this is coming from a man who likes to wear jeans on a regular basis, likes to lounge around the house in sweats (my particular favorites are a Christmas gift that say "I am working" on the legs) and owns not one, but TWO pair of Crocs.  Simply put, I've never been mistaken for being a paragon of fashion virtue.

Of course, that's one of the great things about being a guy.  When it comes right down to it, our clothing selection is really pretty basic.  Pants, shirt, socks, shoes, maybe a jacket.  Plus, the styles of clothing have remained pretty constant over the years.  Sure, the ties go from skinny to wide, just like the pantslegs and for a very forgettable twenty years in the 70's and 80's men's fashions more closely resembled an explosion at polyester factory right next to a clown college.

The old saying, "If you look good, you'll FEEL good, holds as true today as when it was first uttered by some random talking head on television 20 or 30 years ago.  But what makes you feel good, clothing-wise?  Like everything else, everyone has their own definition of what looks good and hence, what makes them feel good.  But there are a couple of classic looks that work regardless of who you are or when you were born.

Style:

The thing about style is that if you have it naturally, you can pull of almost any kind of look.  MC Hammer had style and he somehow managed to make parachute pants popular, if even for just an instant.  The same holds true for Michael Jackson, Sean Connery, Brad Pitt, etc.  Those guys could walk out of a Wal-Mart wearing suspenders and birkenstocks and somehow they'd manage to make it look good.

The point is, we all have a specific style.  The problem is, most bachelors have no clue what their "style" is.  They throw on the same old clothes every time they go out, trying to keep up with the latest fashions with no regard to what actually works for them.

I'm no fashion consultant, far from it.  But I DO know a few things about what it takes for a bachelor to look good and make an impression.  These are lessons hard learned through the years.  But before I get to my tips for good bachelor fasion, I have to talk about the classics first.

Mad-Men:

Sure, it seems cliche right now, but men's fashions of the 30's, 40's, 50's and early 60's have stuck around for a reason.  The pressed slacks, solid colors, matching jacket, loose fitting but not too big, shoulders accentuated, solid color tie, nice shoes...how can a guy go wrong with that look?  These clothes make a man look dashing, daring, dare I say, manly. 

I prefer solid colors to patterns and such.  Frankly you wouldn't catch me dead in a cowboy shirt (you know, with stripes and stars and designs all over the place).  But as bachelors, I have to say, there are two areas where we simply don't stack up against our counterparts from those decades; the head and feet.

No, they didn't have different shaped heads or six toes.  They just happened to take more notice of their footwear and, of course, nearly all men sported a lid. 

I was talking to some women last week during a show and somehow, the conversation turned towards shoes.  As a bachelor, I rarely get into conversations regarding shoes.  I have several pairs of shoes which I wear depending on the occasion or what I'm wearing.  I never give much thought to the shoes I'm wearing.  But I was shocked when each and every woman at the table (five in all) made it very clear that one of the first things they look at when sizing up a man is his shoes.

In the words of one of the women, "You can have the nicest shirt and a great suit on, but if your shoes are dull or sloppy, it doesn't matter."  Basically, she said she can learn just about everything she needs to know about a man just by looking at their shoes.

When I asked her to tell me what she gleaned by looking at my shoes, she responded, "You have good taste, but you don't always take care of what you have."  I had no response.  It was true.  My shoes were a nice, brown leather, rather expensive pair of loafers, but they haven't been polished and looked a little worn.  Trust me, I will be polishing those shoes before my next outing.

So bachelors, your shoes matter.  Yes, I know, we don't look at other mens' shoes, and we rarely pay much attention to our own footwear.  We have more important things to worry about such as if our shirt has a stain on it or if we have any clean underwear.  But next time you go out, take an extra moment to make sure your shoes send the message you want to send to the world.

If you're trying to say you're a rugged individualist who doesn't take crap from anyone, then throw on a pair of Doc's.  If you want people to know you're suave, debonaire and classy, then make sure your shoes are polished and looking new.  I'll have a few more tips regarding shoes at the end of this entry, so stay tuned.

The Lid:

My cool hat!

I like hats.  I wear them all the time.  But for years and years, my hats were mainly of the baseball cap variety.  This is fine, but a baseball cap doesn't really add to your style.  Everyone wears baseball caps.  They're too easy, they don't say anything about you.  For too long, this was the predominant headwear of American bachelors across the land.

Fortunately, over the past few years, hats have started to make a comeback.  And while the fedora isn't as popular today as it once was, there is a whole new generation of men wearing hats that reflect their personality, add to their style and quite simply, look pretty snazzy.

I have two fedora's but I rarely wear them.  But I like wearing hats.  Recently I found one I like and I wear it all the time, as my friends will attest to.  Just the other day, my friend Mere called it my "infamous" hat.  I picked it up while I was in Austin a few months ago.  I actually walked into a haberdashery and tried on different styles until I found just the right one.  I bought it and was as giddy as a child at Christmas.

Now I wear my hat all the time.  I love it.  But it's not just for show.  Yes, I think it looks great, but when I wear it, I feel stylish, I feel good.  It's not just an affectation, like a monocle or a walking stick or spats.  I'm not Mr. Peanut, after all.  A good hat, one that fits and looks good is like a great overcoat or pair of pants that fit perfectly.  It FEELS good, it becomes an extension of your overall style.

I like seeing more and more hats on men as I wander the streets of downtown Denver.  I hope the trend continues.  As bachelors, I think we should pay more attention to what we wear on our heads and on our feet.  I mean, it worked for the millions of bachelors who came before us, why can't it work for us today?

Basic Bachelor Fashion Tips:


Okay, so we've gone over the classic look of the American male in the middle part of the 20th Century, we've discussed wearing the right shoes and, seriously, if you don't own a hat, go get one...today...do it.


But what about everything in-between?  What should the well-dressed bachelor be wearing when they go out for a night on the town?  I'm not going to give you specific brand names or styles, I'll leave that up to GQ or Maxim to do.  But I WILL give you some tips on looking, and feeling, good when you walk out the door on a Friday night.


My Ten Tips:

1.  Wear Cotton blends - I know this sounds pretty basic, but you'd be amazed at how many men still wear polyester suits.  It's amazing.  Cotton breathes, it looks good and more importantly, it looks good.


2.  Wear an undershirt - Again, pretty basic, but for for many it's a concept that remains a mystery.  An undershirt does one thing but it does it well..it keeps you from pitting out your shirts.  If you're in a club, you're going to sweat.  An undershirt keeps your sweat from making you look like you entered a wet-tshirt contest.  It can be a wifebeater, a v-neck, it doesn't matter as long as you can't see it through your shirt.


3.  Keep it loose - Listen, this isn't New Jersey where apparently the height of fashion is skintight t-shirts and gold chains.  Women, by and large, don't care about our figures, just as long as we don't look like Jabba The Hut.  Loose, but fitted clothing is comfortable and will allow you the freedom to dance or walk or fight or do all the things we bachelors do during a night out on the town.


4.  Match your colors - This doesn't mean you have to wear an all black suit, you're not Johnny Cash.  But it is important that your shoes and belt match.  Black shoes, black belt.  Brown shoes, brown belt.  Try not to wear clashing colors.  This is where your female friends come in handy.  They'll tell you if your red jacket just doesn't go with your mint green shirt and brown pants.


5.  Light colored pants, darker shirt - This is for all the other "heavyweights" out there.  We all know that black is slimming, but if you're sporting a few extra pounds, you can minimize it a little bit by wearing lighter colored pants and a darker colored shirt.  It's some kind of visual illusion.  I don't know why it works, but it does, trust me.


6.  Buy at least two fitted shirts - They aren't much more expensive than a nice quality shirt anywhere else.  A solid color, cotton blend fitted shirt will run you about $60.  Hey, it might sound like a lot, but you're not buying a ton of them, just a couple.  They'll look absolutely fantastic.  Hey, it could be worse, you could be a woman and have to pay through the nose for the simplest of dresses.  


7.  Tailor your suit - There's nothing, NOTHING worse than seeing a man in a suit that just doesn't fit him.  It might be a Calvin Klein or Hugo Boss, or whatever is the latest brand name, but if it bunches up at the shoes, or is a little too tigh in the midriff, it won't matter.  Go ahead and buy your suit off the rack, we all do.  But then take the time to take your new suit to a tailor to have them adjust it so it fits you perfectly.  


8.  Have some flair - Not "T.G.I.F" kind of flair, this isn't Office Space and you're not Jennifer Aniston.  No, I'm talking about something small that reflects your personality.  maybe it's red socks, maybe it's a hat, maybe it's a cool belt buckle or fun cufflinks or kick ass watch.  Whatever it is, find something that says something about you and wear it.  It shouldnt' be too big or clash with everything else you're wearing, but you can make it fun or classy, just as long as it says something about you.


9.  Stay solid - Sure this is my personal preference, but solid colors also have less chance of clashing.  You don't have to stay with just basic black, white, brown, etc.  Wear pastels, try different colors, but stay away from stripes and patterns if you really want to make an impression.  It may seem boring, but it doesn't have to be.  You can walk into any mens clothing store and have the salesman show you some great combinations of solid color shirts and jackets.  Oh, and sure, pinstripes may be "thinning" but you're not the Yankees, and frankly, they're the only ones who can really pull of the pinstripes.


10.  Research - This may seem like a girlie thing to do, but take some time and flip through some men's magazines or watch some old TV shows and start figuring out your "style".  This means figuring out if you like pleats or solid pantfronts.  Do you like vents on your jackets?  How about the lapels?  Do you prefer wide or thin?  Do you like wool or cotton blend suits?  If I were thin enough, I'd wear linen pants, but only skinny guys can wear that.  I know this, so I avoid linen suits.  Take the time and figure out what your style is and half your battle is over.

These are simple tips, and in the end, bachelor fashion isn't so much about wearing the most expensive suits, but wearing the clothes that really reflect your personality and fits you well.  Some guys can pull off the lumberjack, plaid wool shirt and jeans look, others look better in a t-shirt rather than a button up.  Either way, the important thing is that when you look in the mirror, you look good, your clothes reflect your personality and you feel good about yourself. 


Confidence is an aphrodesiac and the right clothes can give a bachelor a ton of confidence.  So don't shortchange yourself.  Make sure your shoes are spiffy, your clothes are clean and, hey, while you're at it, get yourelf a hat.  You'll thank me later.

The Deal-Breakers

Forgive me while I get a little "Seinfeld-ian" on you for a moment.  No, I'm not talking about "Being the master of your domain," or living across the hall from a crazy neighbor.  I mean, we've all been there, right?  I mean, the crazy neighbor part, am I right?

Whatever, you know what I mean.  Anyway, I'm talking about deal-breakers.  Those little, or maybe not so little, character or personality traits that make it absolutely impossible to continue dating someone.  I actually know a couple that got divorced because of a disagreement over how to install the toilet paper.  The man wanted it over the top, the woman liked it from underneath (stop it, you perverts).  Months later I was having a few drinks with the woman in the couple and she also mentioned that her ex also insisted on not putting down the toilet seat.  Of course there HAD to be more going on that mere bathroom disagreements, but these were, apparently, the little things that broke the came's back, the deal-breakers the ended up destroying a marriage.

Of course, we're all familiar with some of the deal-breakers Jerry had to deal with, such as "man-hands" the "annoying laugh" and the "close talker."  Obviously, these are more than just minor flaws that can be overlooked.  But then again, you might not have such an aversion to a Fran Drescher-like cackle or you might not be so protective of your personal space.  Let's face it, hopefully we're not all as neurotic as Jerry and the gang.  But even if we're relatively normal, sane people, we all still have deal-breakers that can destroy a promising and budding relationship in mere seconds.

Figure It Out:

For bachelors, the deal-breaker can come at any time, and, maybe not so surprisingly, they don't have to be major issues.  In other words, ladies, there is no "Book of Deal-Breakers" out there you can read that will help you avoid doing or saying something that will lead to the ultimate demise of your growing love.

And guys, we all know the mantra, "All Women Are Crazy", don't we?  It's true, as most of you know quite well.  However, the opposite also holds truth; "All Men Are Stupid."  Some are more stupid than others, just as some women are more crazy than others.  I'll rehash the Crazy vs. Stupid list in an upcoming post, but in the meantime, just understand that we are all working from the same base of knowledge; Women = crazy, Men = stupid.

I bring this up because simply being crazy or stupid isn't, necessarily, a deal-breaker by itself.  The only exception is if the person in question falls into the extreme crazy or stupid category.  In other words, they have to be at a high "level 5" or firmly ensconced in "level 6" in order to use that as a quantifiable deal-breaker.

Let's Define:

So what exactly IS a deal-breaker?  To put it simply, it's a behavior, personality or character trait that makes the other person either suddenly unattractive or completely un-date-able.  Sometimes you won't know what this is until you see it action.  For some, a deal-breaker might be the fact that someone is a smoker.  For others it's the fact that the fancy of their eye wants to move to Alabama.  For others still, a deal breaker can be as innoccuous as the way they eat their breakfast cereal.  You just never know.

Years ago, I used to date a woman who, on the whole, was a really good catch.  Smart, funny, very attractive.  We worked together in the newsroom but managed to keep it pretty low-key and didn't mix business with pleasure, so to speak. 

We were together for about four months (which is my typical relationship length), when we both started to get on each others nerves a bit.  This happens, as you all know.  One of the biggest issues I had with her was her tendency to talk in a little girl/baby voice.  It annoys me when any woman does it.  It's creepy and it's not attractive. 

I had mentioned this to her several times before, but for some reason she insisted on doing it.  And every time, I'd ask her to stop it.  One night at dinner, she started up with her little girl voice, all whiny and high pitched, and I knew right away it was over.  We broke up soon afterwards.

For me, the little girl voice was a deal breaker.  I have a few others that some of you might be able to relate to:

1. High Maintenance - This is kind of hard to define sometimes, but, like porn, I might not be able to describe it, but I know it when I see it.  Most of the time, high maintenance women think more about themselves than they do the person they're with.  They have impossibly high standards, they expect perfection and they rarely cut their significant other any slack at all. 

2.  Mean Women - We all know these types.  Women that are unnecessarily mean for practically no reason.  They're either bitter or insecure or simply unhappy people that take out their frustrations on others.  Given the current news cycle dealing with bullying, they'd best be described as bullies.

3.  Being Too Clingy/Needy - Listen, I've been told on more than one occasion that I'm too clingy at times or too needy.  I get it.  It's annoying beyond belief.  There's not space to breath, no room to stretch your wings and fly.  Being overly clingy and needy suffocates a relationship and doesn't allow the other person to really be who they are or grow into who they want to be.

4.  Long Distance Relationships - Won't do them.  Never have, never will.  They just don't work out.  YEs, there are the few anectdotal stories, but for the most part they cause nothing but pain in the end, and who needs that?

5.  No Sense of Humor - Hey, I like to laugh.  I like to make others laugh.  I can overlook a LOT of things, I mean, hey, I'm no Bradd Pitt, I have flaws, so I don't expect my girlfriend to be perfect either.  But is it too much to ask that they have a good sense of humor?  We don't have to laugh at the same things.  We'll have different ideas of what is funny.  But at least they had better have an idea of what's funny and enjoy laughing out loud a lot.  No sense of humor equals a lack of personality in my book and that, my friends is a real deal breaker.

I don't have a ton of deal-breakers, but that might be because I'm a pretty laid back guy.  So, while I'm not a Jerry Sienfeld who freaks out at the sight of overly large female hands or doesn't understand the numbering system on a speed-dial and gets annoyed when someone calls and says "it's me" instead of their name, I still have a few hang-ups.  Heck, we all do.

What are your deal-breakers?  Let's make this a fun exercise in listing the myriad of peronality traits, actions and quirks that we, as a dating majority, simply can't overlook in others.  I'm curious to hear from the women as to what drives them crazy or what is an absolute no-no from the bachelors in their lives.

I'm looking forward to your answers.  And, as always, your comments will be treated with kid gloves.  I'll post your answers in an upcoming post, so make sure to watch for that.

Until next time, ciao!
(said in a manly voice and NOT a little baby voice)

Be A Lover, Not A Fighter

I have seen Jean Claude Van-Damme, and apparently, he's a 16-year old guitar playing freak who fritters away his youthfull Thursday nights at Lanny's Clocktower in downtown Denver.  Okay, to be fair, I'm not really CERTAIN that it was ol' Jeane Claude himself, but don't mention that to the guy who is probably still recovering from a smarting face wound, nearly a week later.  And by face wound, I don't mean a nick, scrape or cut.  I mean his entire face was just one, big, bruise.  Here, let me explain.

I was recently at Lanny's, which by the way, if you ever want to check out some good music and fun burlesque, it's THE place to go in Denver.  Anyway, I was there to support a good cause and catch some cool blues.  I took a seat in the back of the theater, had a few whiskey and coke's, a couple of martini's, made unusually long eye contact with my cute but butchy waitress and decided to check out around 10:30. 

At one point, right before I took my leave, I noticed that a scrawny, young-looking, glasses wearing, dapper looking kid was exchanging a few words with a couple of shabby musician types on the sunken main floor.  I recognized the kid.  He had been playing guitar with the blues band performing during the benefit show.  From my perch above the main floor, I could see the kid was trying not to get involved with these two, ahem, gentlemen, who seemed to have an issue with him. 

He looked frail, he was skinny, he was dressed in a nice vest, crisp shirt, pressed slacks, shiny shoes.  He looked "snappy" as my grandmother might say.  At first glance, he looked to be no match for these two older, larger men he was arguing with.  But a closer look revealed something else.  There was a hardness to him, an edge about the way he held his posture and didn't seem to back down from his antagonists.  From experience, I guaged him as someone I probably wouldn't actively pick a fight with.  It turns out, I was right.

As I was leaving, giving last second hugs and saying my goodbyes, the trio made their way to the upstairs lobby.  This is where I found them as I made my way out of the clock tower, on my way to meet some friends at another bar.  As I was standing on the steps, I could hear the argument getting heated and I stopped to watch what would happen.  Not that I was likely to get involved, but it didn't seem fair, two against one, and I would probably have tried to step in and break up any fight that might have occurred.  Fortunately, I didn't have to.

Because, and this is where it gets interesting, one of the larger men took a swing at the kid.  As usual, it happened suddenly, but with some telegraphing.  The larger man was getting angrier, his voice reaching a high pitch, fists clenched, he widened his stance and leaned in a little too close.  Classic signals that a punch was probably on its way.  Typically, the punch was wide, a rabbit punch that starts from behind the head and swings out wide before coming into its target.  Some call it a haymaker, I call it a bad punch.

The kid barely moved.  In a flash he moved a little to his left, grabbed the man's arm and in one, sweeping motion, pulled the man off balance and shoved his face into the wall behind him.  And then it was over.  One attempted punch, a face to the wall and the larger guy crumpled like wet sack.  The kid didn't gloat or throw a punch or kick the guy when he was down.  He simply looked at fellow's friend as if to say, "Are you next?"  At which point the other guy backed down and went to go care for his friend as the kid turned to go back into the bar.  That's when I figured I should leave.  Nothing to see here, folks, go home.

I hate to say it, but I saw that coming.  Well, not EXACTLY like that, but I did walk away from the clocktower pleased with my initial assessment of the kid and his fighting prowess (although to be fair, I thought he'd be more of a scrapper, not so much a crazy kung fu fighter).

Fight or Flight:

For those that aren't familiar with me, I have a little experience in this field.  I have been known to get a little "fighty" at times, particularly after six or seven shots of tequila.  I've done my share of fighting, won some, lost more than I care to count, spent a few too many nights in the overnight lock-up because of it.  Not proud of it, mind you, but it is what it is. 

Besides knowing how much bail is for disturbing the peace and assault is, these experiences have also given me some insight into the wonderful world of the bar-fight.  Nothing is quite as violently funny as a good old fashioned bar-fight.  Rarely does anyone get seriously hurt, and usually it starts over the most idiotic of reasons.

Among the insights I have gleaned in my years of scraping and cell-phone hurling in bars late at night is how to recognize when a fight is about to happen.  I also have learned how to pick your fight, or, more importantly, WHO to pick your fight with.

When I was in college, I used to bounce at a bar called, "The Walrus."  It's a typical college bar.  Full of drunk girls, surly bartenders, loud music and hormone and whiskey fueled man-boys.  It was a safe bet that if it was Saturday or Friday, there was a fight brewing at The Walrus.  Sometimes it happened without any warning, but more often than not, you could see it coming a mile away.  For instance, I had a good friend who was normally a happy-go-lucky guy.  But get a few shots of Jack Daniels in him and Mr. Jeckyl turned into Mr. Hyde.  He'd get a look in his eye, a grin on his face and he'd slam his shot glass down or throw it to the floor, shattering it into a million pieces and exclaim, "I feel ROWDY!" 

At that point, it was time to, A) get him out of the bar as quickly as possible.  Or B) Remove yourself from the situation and hope you don't get an early morning phone call for bail money.  I liked this guy.  We were friends for years, but after a while, you get tired of having to pull his bacon out of the fire as he picked fights with anyone within spitting distance.

Years later, as I began working in radio, my buddy Darren and I would often find ourselves facing down combatants.  In one memorable year, it seemed that every time we went out to a bar, we ended up getting into a fight, or nearly starting a riot.  As usual, these incidents started over the dumbest of things.  Getting bumped by someone at the bar, being douchebags at the bar, spilling a drink on me at the bar, or vice-versa.  Mostly it had to do with basic bar etiquette. 

One night at a bar called Williams, in LoDo, the lights came up, and the bouncers were trying to herd everyone out of the bar.  It was crowded, it was hot, we were all drunk.  I was standing on a barstool when the bartender pushed me off into the crowd of humanity.  As I turned to talk to Darren, a large guy bumped into me, hard.  My temper flared, I said something, he said something back and then, IT WAS ON!  I handed my cellphone to Darren for safekeeping and followed the man out the door.  I was furious, blinded with rage.  As we stepped out the door I took a swing (in the style of the aforementioned rabbit punch) andmissed terribly.

The man had seen it coming (who couldn't?) and ran into the street to avoid my, admittedly, sucker punch.  He nearly got hit by a car.  The guys little friend stood alongside us, Darren was behind me, holding my phone up, ready to smash it on the head of the guys friend if he got involved.  The guy took a swing at me, he missed, I swung back and connected, but did no damage.  It was like to very drunk Archie Bunkers trying somehow stagger their way to knockout victory.  A clash of the titans, it was not.

A crowd only half interested watched as we exchanged punches.  And then we heard it...police sirens.  We froze.  People started to scatter.  My opponents' little friend said desperately, "What are we fighting for?  The cops are coming!"  Suddenly we sobered up and realized how stupid we were being.  I apologized, the man apologized, the little guy apologized, Darren held my phone over his head, ready to strike, just in case it was all an evil ploy.  We all then came in, gave each other a hug and walked briskly away from the scene of our drunken struggle.

Typically, this is how a lot of bar-fights go.  Punches are thrown, maybe they connect, but the damage is never too bad. Yes, there are those fights where knives are pulled, or worse, guns.  But most bar fights involve two guys chest bumping and trash talking and hoping to God that someone holds them back so they don't really have to, you know, fight.

And trust me, no matter how careful you are, no matter what you try to do to avoid a scrape, it's almost inevitable, guys, that at some point, you're going to find yourself in a fight in a bar or on the street outside of a bar.  It happens, and the best you can hope for is that it's over quickly, and that your face doesn't get smashed by a big, beefy fist somewhere along the way.

So, with that in mind, here are some tips that have to deal with your typical, run of the mill bar-fight.  First, I'll give you some tips on recognizing when a fight is bound to happen.  Then, and maybe more importantly, some tips on emerging victorious if you absolutely can't get out of the impending bar-brawl.

See It Coming:

There are a few ways to tell that a fight is coming, whether it's with you or within your vicinity.

1.  Watch for the posturing - Guys who are ready for a fight have a particular posture.  Generally they move in close to whoever they're arguing with.  Their feet are spread in a solid stance, they bow their neck, trying to look taller and one or both of their arms are slightly behind them, as if being loaded and readied to strike.


2.  It's In The Voice - When guys are gearing up to fight, they don't always yell at the top of their lungs.  They're volume is probably only slightly louder than usual.  But it's uneven.  There's a nervousness or maybe they're so angry they can't control their voice.  Either way, it's cracked a little, breathy and uneven.  When it reaches this point, you can bet fists will be flying soon.


3.  Don't Crowd Me - If it's just two guys squaring off in a bar, chances are, neither one wants to really escalate to fisticuffs.  However, if one of the participants has a "posse" or is with a group of friends, or, god forbid, a girl, the macho takes over and the brain shuts down.  It's almost impossible for a guy to back down if the challenge has been made in front of a group of friends.  Something about losing face.  Regardless, be very wary of angry dudes with a group of friends.  It's a fight just waiting to happen.

Now, onto what really matters:

If you absolutely, positively HAVE to fight, here are some tips to making sure you're not the one that ends up in traction, or worse, in jail.

1.  Choose your fight wisely - This isn't as easy as it sounds.  I mean, the very fact that you're plunging into a bar-fight means you're probably drunk and your faculties are suspect.  However, try to look for a few telltale signs that you might be able to win the fight.  
     a.  Your opponents build - is he short, skinny, fat, ripped, tall?  This matters a little, but not as much as you might think.  Some fat guys can take a punch and pack a wallop, while some in shape guys go down faster than Frazier vs. Tyson.  Some small guys are, like the kid mentioned above, are scrappy and hard to hit.  
     b.  How drunk are they?  The drunker they are, the worse they'll be at fighting.  This is a general rule, but be careful...I knew a guy in college that, when drunk, could (and did more than once) get the crap beat out of him, and still not go down.  But by and large, the drunk ones don't fight well.
     c.  Their eyes - You can tell a lot by looking at their eyes.  As you approach, how do they react?  Do their eyes dart around looking for a way out or help?  Do they initially back down or flinch before finding their courage?  Or do they stare back, clear and angry and filled with steely resolve.  I've looked into the eyes of men much smaller than me and I could tell not only were they ready to fight, they WANTED to fight.  The eyes will tell you what you need to know.


2.  No Group Sessions - If you're being called out by a guy with a bunch of friends at his back, it's best to just walk away if you can.  The fact that he has a group behind him makes it less likely that he'll back down, plus he'll probably fight harder so he won't be embarrassed in front of his buds.  That and the fact that if you start to win, you'll still be vastly outnumbered...think "Custer".  If you can't avoid the fight, make sure you try to keep the group in front of you, don't circle around if possible so that the group is ever at your back.  Finally, as you're fighting, a steady retreat, away from the group is recommended.  They'll follow, but you'll be setting yourself up for an easier escape if they decide to jump in at any time.


3.  Punch First - Yes, I know, this isn't the chivalrous thing to do, but hey, it's a bar-fight.  The fact is, if you throw the first punch and connect, the fight will probably be over before it ever gets started.  Don't wait for the other guy to attack.  Just jab him in the face and watch him go down.  This is only if the fight is absolutely inevitable.  


4.  Keep your balance - The nice thing about bar-fights is that they usually involve two really drunk guys.  In the end, my experience has been that the one with the better balance generally wins.  That means no throwing your entire body behind your punch.  You don't need that much force usually, and when you throw your shoulder into your punch, you'll lose your balance.  The most effective punches I've ever seen in bar-fights have been the jabs and pokes.  They are effective because the other guy is usually too drunk to avoid or block a quick jab.  They're expecting haymaker punches.  Throw a nice, quick jab to the nose and you'll end up the winner nine times out of ten.


5.  Keep your temper - The only way to fight effectively is if you keep your emotions in check.  Sure, you're nervous, your angry and your probably drunk, which means you're probably not thinking too clearly (otherwise you wouldn't be fighting).  But if you can manage to keep you anger in check and your senses only slightly dull, you'll be able to avoid any punches they throw and you'll be able to control your punches much better, giving you a huge advantage.


6.  Finally, beat a hasty retreat - Don't unpack your adjectives, don't stick around acting as if everything's cool, don't stick around to taunt or be taunted.  If you win, leave and find another bar, preferably more than a few blocks away.  Police will show up at some point, and when they do, they will begin arresting the fight participants first and asking questions later.  If you're not there, police will get a description of you, and they'll look for you in nearby bars.  The best thing to do at that point is probably to just go home.  But if you insist on staying out for one more drink, then make sure it's far away from the bar where you were fighting.  This is also why you should always pay for drinks in cash.  No paper trail and you don't have to stick around afterwards to pay for you tab.  If you lose the fight, just go home and lick your wounds.

Let me say this; fighting sucks.  Bar-fights in particular, suck.  Even if you win, the next morning you'll just be embarrassed and you'll probably be nursing a few wounds regardless.  Worst case scenario, you end up in jail for a night, which also really, REALLY sucks.  Sometimes, though, bar-fights just can't be avoided.  In these instances, try to keep your head and, well, try to enjoy it.  As crazy as that sounds, as awful as bar-fights can be, they're also a bit of a rite of passage for the average bachelor. 

In the meantime, just try to stick to my motto, which I gratuitously stole from Michael Jackson.  Be a lover, not a fighter. 

The ManDate!

Okay, it's discussion time here at "The Bachelor Diaries".  Last week was a little like the "good old days" for me a bit.  I was out nearly every week, enjoying the company of friends, doing a lot of laughing, imbibing on some cheap, but tasty, drinks. 

I had truly considered staying in a few of those night, but life has a way of rearing its ugly, or in this case, inebriated, head sometimes.  Not to say I regret it, I don't.  It was really awesome spending time with friends, particularly those I hadn't had a chance to hang out with for a while.  In a couple of cases, I also ended up having drinks with some friends who I'm still really just getting to know.  One of these instances occurred last Thursday. 

A buddy of mine texted me on Thursday and asked if I was interested in grabbing a drink.  I, of course, said yes.  I told him I was heading down to the Broker for a drink and I'd meet him there. 

By the way, if you live in Denver, or if you're ever in town for any reason, make a point to stop by the Broker if you have time.  They have a great prime rib and the restaurant is set in an old bank safe.  Seriously, you can eat inside the safe that's been renovated.  It's a longtime Denver icon.  But what really sets the place apart is their happy hour. 

There was a time in Denver when "McCormick's" had the best happy hour deal in town.  They offered cheap beers and decent food at bargain prices.  The problem was, you could only get the deals betwen 5pm and 7pm, and again from 11pm to close (around 1am).  Not at the Broker, though.  They have really cheap drinks, seved strong, by the way, and for five bucks you can get enormous meals.  Their shrimp bowl alone is worth the trip.  It's no wonder why The Broker is quickly becoming one of my favorite watering holes.  Of course it doesn't hurt that it's only about five blocks away from my apartment, so, totally within stumbling distance.

By the way, I don't work for The Broker, and I'm not being paid for this endorsement (there, government, happy now?)  ANYway...back to the original intent of the story.  I was at the bar having a martini when my buddy walks in.  There were some cute girls nearby, the rest of the bar was essentially empty, the bartender recognized me and was attentive.  It was a good scene, even if the Rockies WERE losing on the lone TV in the place. 

We had a couple of drinks, chatted about various things from music to shows to work, to his upcoming wedding.  Within about 20 minutes, a group of folks wandered in and took a table behind us.  It didn't take long before my buddy and I made our way over to the table and joined in.  As I introduced my buddy to some of the folks at the table who didn't know him, I took a seat and was faced immediately with this question:

"So, are you guys on a man-date?"

Now, you can imagine my surprise at this question, as, up until that exact moment in my life, I'd never heard of, "a man-date".  It's been over month since I'd been on a real date.  You know, the kind of date a bachelor goes on, with a woman and such.  I simply sat there for a second, not exactly sure how to respond, stunned by the audacity of the question.

When I finally responded, my answer was something like, "What the hell did you just ask?"  Followed pretty quickly by, "What the HELL is a man-date?!?!"

I was told in no uncertain terms that a man-date was when two men get to together socially over drinks, or dinner, to spend time together.  I was skeptical.  It just didn't sound right.  I'm not getting into any homophobic areas here.  I'm just saying that I have a pretty good idea what constitutes a date, and two straight guys hanging out doesn't really fit that definition.

So I went looking for some clarity.  I consulted the dictionary.  Of course, even though the word "Bromance" might be a listed word now, "man-date" still isn't.  I did, however find some interesting definitions in the one place where you would expect to find a slang term used to describe an outing by two dudes; the Urban Dictionary.  There are currently five definitions in the Urban Dictionary for "man-date."  Click here to read them all.

As you can see, the last definition kind of supports my theory.  Another basically defines a "gay man-date" and a third definition is kind of vague.  The first definition, though logically makes sense.  So, after my foray onto the interwebs, I'm basically as confused as I was when I started.

What is a date:

I suppose there can be as many definitions for a "date" as there are different kinds of relationships.  But for me, a date must consist of the following things:

1.  A man
2.  A woman
3.  Romantic intent
4.  Pre-planning to move the relationship further along, romantically
5.  Hopefully sex

Yes, I'm a pig, that was determined a long time ago...let's move on.  Now, if two men are romantically interested in each other, then you can just change number two to man and be good with it.  But for ME, number two has to be a woman.  There's nothing wrong with that...it's how I was born.  I have very good gay friends who regularly date members of the same sex, which I guess is a given, since they're gay.  Again, nothing wrong with that.  I'm just using my definition here.

Now, if I get together with a buddy, whether it's a male or a female, and numbers three through five aren't present, then it's not a date. In fact, this exact scenario happened on Friday night.  I was out for a drink with a female friend after spending time hanging out with another very close friend that we hadn't been able to spend time with for a while.  This woman happens to be perhaps my best friend, someone who I am very close to.  We were out having beers together, just the two of us. 

In some definitions, we might have been on a date.  But that's obviously not how I defined it.  Neither did she.  When I pointed it out, and asked her, "Hey, we're out together, just the two of us, having drinks socially...are WE on a date?"  Her answer was no.  To which I agreed.

I was enjoying my time with her, catching up, talking, laughing and having a beer.  If THAT wasn't a date, why then was the time I spent with my male buddy a man-date? 

You can see how I'm confused, right?  In both cases, I was just hanging out with a friend in a public place.  See definition number three...basically two buds sharing a beer.  NOT a date.  There was no romantic intent in either scenario, no furthering of the relationship romantically, and no getting laid by anyone involved in the two instances. 

So you can see why I so vigorously deny the concept of the "man-date."  It's not homophobia, it's really just an effort to keep the purity of the idea of a "date" intact.  In my opinion, there has to be romantic intent involved in order to be considered a date.

A New Definition:

There was ONE argument that logically made sense to me, so I feel compelled to reveal it.  One of the folks at the table Thursday night explained a "date" as a coming together of two people in an effort to get to know each other better and further the relationship on some level. 

I thought about this for a second and I had to admit that, while goes against my exact definition of a date, there is something that makes sense about it.  I suppose that there could be a case made that a date is really just an opportunity to get to know another person better. 

As bachelors we do this a lot.  We will see a woman that we might be attracted to and ask her out to get to know her better and see if a romance could develop.  I STILL believe there has to be an element of romance involved in order to be classified as a true "date", but if you take this definition at face value, then there could be a case made for the "man-date" as well.

The Result:

So in the end, I'm still left a little puzzled.  I mean, I get the idea of the "Bromance" and the "Man-crush".  These aren't romantic terms.  These are situations where one guy really respects another guy for his abilities as an athlete, or performer or as a bachelor.  A man can have a "bromance" and a "mancrush" and not have any romantic intentions.  That's why it's so easy for a bachelor to say, "I love you, man!"  But when it comes time to tell that special woman that you love her, well, it can feel like your innards are purging and you're coming down with the flu. 

Saying "I love you, man" is harmless, it carries no consequences.  Saying "I love you" to a woman chock full of consequence.  It's just a short step away from three screaming kids, driving a mini-van and living in the suburbs. 

So if the "bromance" and the "man-crush" aren't the same as a romance or a real "crush" then why would a man-date be the same as a real date?  The answer, it's not.  You can go ahead and use the word man-date if you want.  I probably won't. 

Hey, that doesn't mean I'll stop hanging out with my buddies, either.  I like spending time with my friends.  And the fact is, the time I spend with my friends is often WAY better than most of my dates. 

But what do you think?  Does the "man-date" really exist?  Is it a term that you would use to describe two buddies getting together for a beer or two?  What do you call it when a male and female who are just friends get together to do the same thing?  I'm curious, because, as always, I may be way off in my perception and definition.

Get back to me with your thoughts.  Set me straight, give me a digital high-five if you agree or a technical thumbs down if you think I'm off base.  I look forward to your responses.  And never fear, I'll be back with another riveting entry on the Bachelor Diaries very soon.  Until then...see ya.  I gots a man-date....errrr...drinks to get to.