Real Bachelors Don't Help...

Sorry I've been out of the loop for a few days.  I thought I'd try and appease the masses *cough, cough*, by tossing up the top ten bachelor movies.  I was quite proud of that list.  Oddly enough, my inclusion of "The Jerk" caused the most ruckus. 

Bachelor Hall of Fame, and a Request:

I'll say only this people...leave Steve Martin alone.  He is the ultimate bachelor.  He holds an honored place in the Bachelor Hall of Fame.  I'm not sure a BHF exists, but it should.  In fact, I'm starting one right now.  Send me your candidates for the first ever Bachelor Hall of Fame vote.  I'll be collecting names and putting together the list of first year candidates.  Let me think on it for a little bit and I'll come up with some other rules and guidelines to help you make your decisions, because you, my friends, will be helping me vote in the inaugural class. 

Now, of course, there are some shoo-ins that don't have to be voted in.  Mr. Martin is one of those.  I'll compile a list of five or ten that I get a free pass, individuals who don't have to be voted in for their sheer bachelorness. 

By the way, while we're on the topic, I am going to ask a favor of you while I have your attention.  If you know of any singles, bachelors, women, men, people who breathe air and who you think would enjoy this blog, please feel free to forward it to them and expose them to this masterpiece of bachelorhood.  I'm working on growing the readership on my end, but any help you could give would be greatly appreciated.  Hell, if you lend a hand, I might even buy you a drink if I catch you at a local watering hole sometime.

But I'm not here to beg or grovel, I'm here to help, and that's what I'm about to do.  The past few days I've been working feverishly on getting my consulting seminar off the ground, so I've been a little distracted, but I do have two pieces of bachelor importance to address today. 

The first issue comes from a discussion I had earlier this week regarding the difference between men and women.  Of course, this is a bottomless well of great conversation, simply because there are SOOO many differences, which, of course, is fantastic.  It's the differences that make relationships so exciting, and dangerous.  And I'm not talking about the fact that men have no idea what "Scrapbooking" is, or the fact that a toilet seat left up to a guy is just another tuesday, while for a woman, it's cause for justifiable manslaughter.

What're you talkin' about, Willis?

No, today we're talking about, well...talking.  Communication, more precisely.  I had this conversation with two very good female friends this past week, so I figured I'd bring it up to you as well, as part of my public service to help bachelors everywhere avoid the many land mines we run into constantly when dealing with women.  As always, women, feel free to read along, just to make sure I'm getting it right or to add your own take on the topic.

We've all been there, haven't we, fellas?  A girlfriend or close female friend (remember, every bachelor needs one of those), calls you up, maybe they're a little tipsy, or they've been crying, or they're distraught about a fight or their cat is ill, or, whatever.  The point is, they're calling you to talk about it.

Quick what's your first instinct?  Be honest guys.  All together now...our first instinct is to do what?  That's right, we want to help.  Men are fixers.  For some reason we have this incredible urge to want to solve the problems of those around us.  Women may gather in knitting circles and crochet the names of people they want beheaded, or gossip about friends and family.  But men are just as bad, worse maybe, when it comes to talking about the problems of other people.  We sit around in judgement and come up with solutions for people who never asked for our help.

So when it comes to our female friends, our first instinct is to come to their rescue, to aid solve and fix.  Men, in the famous words of Hanz and Franz, hear me now and smell me later...this is a big mistake.  Women don't want us to fix their problems.  When they call us in the middle of the night, crying and venting, they're not asking for assistance.  It's not some kind of veiled cry for help. 

Here's what they're looking for.  They want someone to listen.  That's it, fellas.  It's one of those rare moments when you can really be sure what a woman wants.  They don't want you to solve their problems or come up with great solutions.  That is only going to irritate them, and make them feel worse and there will probably tears involved at some point.  Now, on the other hand, it might mean they'll never call you again to vent, which on the surface might sound great.  But it also means they won't be there when you need to vent and, you know, get their advice. 

See, that's the difference.  When men call women with their problems, we're looking for advice.  Real advice, good advice that we can actually use.  That's why we don't have these talks with our buddies, because the chances of getting good advice from them is about 50-50.  We WANT women to give us advice and help solve our problems.  Women, on the other hand, just want someone to listen to them.

It's a small sacrifice to make guys, in order to have an attractive woman be able to fill in as an emergency date for a wedding.  Just sit there and listen to them.  Try, try TRY to bury your natural urge to be the "handyman" and simply sit back and let them talk.  You don't even have to listen closely.  It's like when your parents used to lecture you about breaking curfew.  A few well-placed "mm hmmm's" and "yes's" will make it seem like you're engrossed in the details of her problems. 

The moral of the story here guys is, that even though it may seem like they want your help, when a woman calls to vent, just get out of the way and let her do the talking.  She'll thank you afterwards and you'll look like a prince for not trying to help solve her problems.  I know, it sounds strange, but believe me, it's the truth.

Dieting Dilemma:

The second issue today is a question that comes from one of the readers of the Bachelor Diaries. 
Jana asks:  "Do bachelors ever diet?"

Thank you, Jana for your interesting question.  Know that the Diaries values you as a reader and will be sending you edible underwear in the mail, look for them at some point...eventually. 

Anyway, to address your question, my first inclination is to say that, no, bachelors do not diet.  Certainly bachelors probably should diet, or eat better or drink less, or maybe that's just me.  But in this new century, it's safe to say that some bachelors do, indeed, diet.  However, I would argue that we don't consider it dieting.  We consider it, "getting healthy," or "losing weight".  That may sound like dieting to some, but I would venture an educated guess that most bachelors don't take their diet into consideration when trying to lose weight.  Instead we fall back on all those things we learned and did in high school and college when we had to "tone up". 

We hit the weights, we go to the gym and try to sweat off the pounds.  We might even get the urge to run a bit, train for a marathon or attend a "boot camp" of some kind.  Fortunately, I haven't had that kind of urge in, oh, about...several years now.  Sadly, it's probably just as likely that, as bachelors we'll ruin all that good sweat work by hitting the bars at night, drinking beer and eating a plate of nachos.

And when it comes to wondering if we ever worry about not being able to fit into our clothes, well, I can honestly say that I've never really spent any time worrying about that.  I've never worn women's clothes, but I can say that I think men's clothing is a little more forgiving in terms of shirts and slacks.  Frankly, men can hide the few extra pounds a little better with our clothing, what can I say.  Plus, in all honesty, men just aren't that worried about those few extra pounds to begin with.  Sad, but true.

Allright, that's it for today.  Glad to be back and hopefully wont' be gone for this long again, at least not in the near future.  And again, send this blog out to anyone you think might enjoy it, and I look forward to hearing your nominations for the Bachelor Hall of Fame.

Take care, sleep well and for God's sake, men, whatever you do, don't help!

Bad Boys and Fine Whine

So much complaining and whining.  It's funny, really, if it weren't so sad.  I had the "pleasure" of catching about five minutes of the Today Show on NBC this morning.  I'm not exactly sure what the topic was, I think it had something to do with dating.  To my surprise, however, they had a panel of bachelors on to answer women's questions about men.

It was nice to see a group of bachelors answering questions, live questions, not pre-planned, canned and rehearsed questions, about dating and women and men.  A lot of times you get so-called "experts" answering these questions.  The only thing I know is that experts don't know bunk, when it comes to dating.  It's just too complex, too varied to toss out a few platitudes and generalizations and expect them to be successfull. 

Maybe Meredith is looking for a date, or maybe they were just in a pissy mood, but it looked more like a "attack all men" segment than a helpful, "how to get a man" segment.  The questions essentially boiled down into one of two categories.

Question number one:  Why don't men find me attractive?  (Other variations include; why won't they date me, why don't they ask me out, why don't they want to commit).

Question number two:  Why are all men such bastards?

Yeah, I think that about covers it.  Seriously, one of the questions asked was why a man in a relationship for ten years wasn't able to commit to the woman he's with.  By "commit" I assume she meant marriage, by the way.  In my mind, if a man has been with the same woman for ten years, he has made a commitment, a major commitment, a ten year commitment.  Fortunately, one of the bachelors asked the question I always ask in those situations which is, "Why is the woman still with the man if she feels he won't commit after ten years?"

The gals on the panel took offense to the question, hinting that the bachelors were blaming the woman for the non-commitment.  Look, there's no finger pointing going on.  Clearly the two sides just don't see eye to eye in their definition of "commitment". 

If the woman in that relationship wanted to get married, she probably should have said something early on in the relationship.  If she did, and he still didn't agree or want to get married, the woman has a choice.  She can stay with him out of sheer love, knowing that he is committed to her, if not married to her.  Or she can leave and go find a man who feels the same way about marriage and "commitment". 

I've always said that women carry the burden of responsibilities in most relationships.  Women are more mature, they tend to be more focused and generally have a better idea of what they want from a relationship than men do.  This isn't to say that men bear no responsibility for the success or failure of a relationship, we do.  But women have the power.  The problem is, not enough women know this.

Let's take a look at the bad boy phenomenon.  We are all familiar with it.  The guy who is mysterious, plays by his own rules, is tough, strong, can be mean when he has to be, a kitten when he wants to be.  These are men with a strong sense of self, a huge ego (even larger than the typical male ego, which is already massive) and moves from woman to woman as it suits his needs.

I learned early on that the bad boys get the girls.  Women love the bad boys.  We also know that when a man shows interest in a woman too quickly, they'll run away.  But be a jerk, distant, even a little mean, and they'll be fascinated by you.  They'll want to change you, they'll want to find out what kind of hurt you have inside that made you such a bad boy.  Women are drawn to angst like ants to a picnic.  The troubled soul, the loner, the bad boy, will win every time when a woman has to choose.

I get that, I really do.  I, myself often find myself attracted to the unattainable.  The woman who is "out of my league" as they might say.  Or the woman who is unavailable either emotionally or because she's married or in a relationship or maybe is moving away.  I make poor choices, we all do. 

But I have reached an age where I understand this major flaw in my relationship decision-making process.  I'm at peace with my idiocy.  I don't complain about it, I don't whine about it, hell, I've even stopped trying to change it, deciding instead to go along for the ride and hope that some woman comes along that will make me forget why I made all those bad decisions in the first place.

But for some reason, women tend to be shocked, surprised, flummoxed by their inability to get the bad boy conform to their dream of the perfect relationship.

Here's a hint, ladies:  If you're going to date bad boys, you're going to get bad relationships. 

And, if you choose to stay in these relationships, even after trying for years, after putting your soul into making it work, and it still isn't functioning, then who'se fault is that?  Is it the man's fault for being who he is?  Or is it yours for staying in a relationship that has zero chance of ever working?

Here's another hint.  When you find yourself in relationships that don't work, it's time to wield your power.  Because bachelors are inherently self centered, selfish and emotionally unavailable, they need a jolt in order to get through to them.  If you're dating a bachelor, or want to date someone who is a bachelor, then you have to remember a few things.

1.  You can't change him.  Don't try, don't even think about it.  If what you see is something that bothers you, move on.  All the cajoling and teaching and scolding in the world will never get the bachelor to be anything but who he is.  It's like trying to train a bear.  You can get him to jump through hoops for a while, but at some point, it's still a bear and it will kill you if it decides it's had enough. 

2.  It's not 1940 anymore - You have earning power, you have independence.  You don't NEED this man, or that man to make you complete.  The more independent you are, it's likely that bachelors will way more interested in you.  Confidence is sexy.

3.  Be aggressive - If you see a bachelor you like, go after him.  I hear so often from women who say they "will never pursue a man" or that they'll "never ask a man out".  Fine.  At least one of these women are attractive enough to get away with that philosophy.  Truthfully, most aren't.  If you see something you want, go get it.  Make eye contact, buy them a drink, ask them to dance, get their number, call them up and take them on a date.  It's not that bachelors are wallflowers, athough some are, it's that a lot of times, bachelors are out having fun.  They're eyes are always scanning the room for potential dates, always.  At bars, at clubs, in public, there are a lot of attractive women walking around.  You might just blend into a crowd.  He might not notice you.  That doesn't mean he won't be interested if you DO manage to stand out from the others.  Plus by doing this, you cut past the games, the crap and the effort of making a connection.  Bachelors are used to making the first move.  We are used to rejection and sometimes we just don't feel like taking the risk on a given night.  Trust me, bachelors will find your forwardness refreshing and enjoyable.

Now let's say you do manage to catch the attention of a bachelor.  You go out on a few dates, you get to know each other, you become friends, maybe with benefits.  If at some point you feel the bachelor in question and you are starting to reach a point where decisions have to be made, or you feel he is starting to lose interest, take a stand.

I'm not saying give your bachelor an ultimatum.  They never work.  They just put the bachelor in a defensive position and makes you the bad guy by putting pressure on the guy.  One of the reasons he might be shying away from you is that he is feeling pressure from you already.  Adding more on top of that is a sure fire way to end the relationship before it even gets started.

Chances are one of the reasons he was attracted to you in the first place is because of your independence.  Reclaim that ground by letting him know you have things to do, like spending time with your girlfriends, or maybe even going out with a co-worker or out on a blind date (set up by a friend, of course).  In other words, remind the bachelor what he has to lose without giving an ultimatum.

He might panick and decide maybe he's ready to commit more than he has.  Maybe he'll enjoy the time alone and appreciate you more when you two are together.  Either way, you're in control now and you're not letting the bachelor dictate the terms of the relationship.

Bachelors will string you along and play the field as long as they can.  They're bachelors because a) they're not ready to commit, b) they never want to commit, or c) the thought of commitment simply has never entered their mind.  You can't force any of these types of bachelors to commit if they're not prepared to do so.  But you CAN grab their attention, and, over time get them to realize how special you are and how much better they are with you than without you.

and if you decide you're willing to stick it out with a confirmed bachelor who treats marriage and commitment in the same way snowmen greet the sun, then don't complain or whine about it later when it falls apart.