But now, get ready for a virtual avalanche of entries as I prepare to make my way down to Austin, Texas for the "Out of Bounds Improv Festival." It should be a great time. I've never been to Austin, but I hear it's a great place and I couldn't be more excited to make the trip. I hope to have a bevy of funny, bachelor-esque stories to tell upon my return. But in the meantime, I have a few entries that have just been itching to be written.
I'll tick one off today, if you don't mind.
The Schedule:
I'll begin this segment with the acknowledgement that some people have busier lives than others. For most of us, our days are filled with things we have to do like work, taking care of the family pet, kids, errands...mundane things. But for even the busiest person, sometimes the weekends are a blank slate. And that's not always a bad thing. I mean, the weekends are supposed to be for relaxing, right?
Perhaps for some. For me, my weekends, tend to be busier than my weekdays. Since I work from home, my Monday through Friday schedule is fairly wide open. I have some meetings, deadlines to meet, shows to watch. But for the most part, my days and nights are mine to do with what I will.
My weekends, however, tend to be full with shows and performances and rehearsals and, hopefully, parties. I'll also let you in on a little secret; I keep terrible time. I try to be on time to most places, but usually if I'm five minutes late, that's a positive in my book. I also rarely plan ahead. I'm not talking about the kind of planning ahead where you look at your long term career goals and retirement future. No, I'm talking about the "hey, what are you doing Saturday night?" kind of plans.
I've had some interesting discussions with a number of women over the past few weeks, and, surprisingly, one of the biggest complaints each one has had about the men they are either with, ot want to be with, is that they don't plan ahead enough. I know, right? With all the stupid things that men do, THAT is what they are complaining about? Well, apparently, it's a big issue among women and I think I know why.
What Really Matters:
In the end, I think it comes down to value. Men, if there's one thing you have to know about women is that they value being valued. You can spend a night out on the town with your buddies and come in late stinking drunk, you can forget to call them when you told them you would, you can even skip their birthday to watch the U.S. Open. But you can make it all up as long as you remind them that they are important to you. Not just on Valentine's Day or on a holiday or on your anniversary, but at any time. Spend time talking to them, listening to them rant about their day or their insane co-workers, bring them flowers just because, make time for a special date night, and you remind them that you value them and their company.
Each woman I talked to that brought this up had a very similar scenario. They were interested in a man, they had gone out on a date or two. They chat online, via texts, on the phone and mention that they want to go out again. Then, the woman doesn't hear from the guy for a few days, Friday rolls around and then they get a message asking them what they're doing on Friday or Saturday.
Each woman rolls her eyes at this point in the story as if to say, "how could a guy be so stupid?" In defense of my gender, ladies, it's not stupid, it's just stuff that guys do. In the last two weeks, I have received texts from buddies along the lines of, "Hey, I'm out at a bar, come on down..." or "Going out tonight, what are you doing? Join up." This kind of "Scheduling" is pretty typical among men. We decide to go out, do something fun, and then we decide to let some folks know about it. Even married men do it. Last Friday, a buddy sent out a Facebook message setting up an event we call, "Bowl-e-oke" for Friday night. Of course, a handful of the women complained that they needed more time to plan something like that. I, on the other hand would have gone in an instant had I not already had a show scheduled.
And that's the difference. I already had something going on, and my buddy was cool about that. No worries, we just move on, and hopefully I can make it the next time. Whereas women will often not go, even if they don't have anything planned, just out of spite that the request came so late.
So I asked, as any good bachelor would do, what would be an appropriate lead time to ask a woman out for an activity. Again, be clear, this isn't even just about a date, it's about any kind of event. However, I will say that this line of discussion really only applies to a man that a woman is interested in. In other words, if you're in the "Friends" realm with a woman, asking them to do something a few hours in advance isn't such a mortal sin. Just don't be disappointed when they decline because they have something else planned. Let's face it, men, most women have way more options than we do on weekend nights.
But if a woman is interested in you, and you have gone out on a "date" with them, now you have crossed over into the, "must plan way in advance" neighborhood. But back to the point. I asked them what is acceptable and the general response I received was, three to five days. I can tell you I nearly fell off my chair. THREE TO FIVE DAYS!?! I was gobsmacked. Who the hell plans their weekends three to five days in advance? Well, as it happens most women do.
So what do I make of this? A few things.
1. Men are at a serious disadvantage when it comes to making plans
2. Women are very sensitive about when they are asked to do something
3. It's amazing that men and women ever, EVER get together and mate.
Seriously, though, men have to work at this sort of thing. Bachelors especially have a way of blithely cruising along in life assuming that every relationship is like the ones they have with their buddies. We know instinctively that relationships with women are different, the problem is, we don't want them to be. We WANT to be able to call a woman up at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon and ask them to do something and know they'll say yes.
Women, I could spend hours telling you why men don't call until the day before they want you to do soemthing, but you'll never get it. It's kind of just how we're wired. But you have to know that just because we wait to make plans, it doesn't mean we don't enjoy spending time with you. We do. We really want to hang out and laugh and have fun and maybe hook up late at night when the rest of the world is sleeping.
But frankly, we're lazy. Plus, we're creatures of habit. Thinking about what we want to do on a Saturday night when it's still only Tuesday, requires a skill set that we're simply not naturally equipped with, particularly bachelors, who tend to fly by the seat of their pants a lot.
You also have to know that by demanding that we make our plans with you three to five days in advance reeks of control and a bit of high maintenance. To you, out waiting until the last moment to make plans with you is disrepectful to you. To us, though, demanding three to five days to make plans seems a bit, well, controlling and arrogant. It's as if you expect us to make you the most important things in our lives, when, really, we're still probably trying to figure out what the relationship is all about.
And for the men, it's pretty simple. If you're really interested in spending time with a woman, maybe you should consider making plans farther in advance than just a few hours. Don't go overboard. I mean, you don't have to make huge plans, like a carriage ride or dinner at a swanky restaurant every time. It could be as simple as a concert in the park or drinks at a local bar. Just don't wait until the last minute because, as you have seen, if you wait, you're likely going to be out of luck.
And you don't even have to make definitive plans, as I've found out. Every woman I talked to mentioned that a heads up is all that's really necessary. If, say, on a Tuesday you think you want to go see a show, drop her a message and let her know that you're tentatively planning on doing just that, and that you'd love it if she'd go with you. To many women, this is tantamount to asking her to go with you. If she's interested in you, if she wants to spend time with you, she'll likely set that night aside to do something with you, even if it's not the play, she'll already be planning on doing SOMETHING with you that night. All you have to do is drop her a mention the day before to remind her that you're planning on doing something with her. Now you've contacted her twice, and both times well in advance of the actual "date". You win major brownie points for that, trust me.
I get it. Making plans in advance shows respect to the woman you're trying to connect with. It shows them that you value them and respect their time constraints. Yes, it's a little high maintenance, and yes, it's a little controlling, but really, guys, what's your other option? Sitting at home alone on a Friday night watching the Sci-Fi network, or hanging out with the boys again? sure, those are fun things to do every now and then. But nothing beats hanging out with an attractive woman, and if you want to do that, I've learned, both through experience, and through some fascinating conversations, that the only way that is likely to happen is if you plan in advance.
Hey, it's a small sacrifice to make, right guys?
