Real Bachelors Don't Help...

Sorry I've been out of the loop for a few days.  I thought I'd try and appease the masses *cough, cough*, by tossing up the top ten bachelor movies.  I was quite proud of that list.  Oddly enough, my inclusion of "The Jerk" caused the most ruckus. 

Bachelor Hall of Fame, and a Request:

I'll say only this people...leave Steve Martin alone.  He is the ultimate bachelor.  He holds an honored place in the Bachelor Hall of Fame.  I'm not sure a BHF exists, but it should.  In fact, I'm starting one right now.  Send me your candidates for the first ever Bachelor Hall of Fame vote.  I'll be collecting names and putting together the list of first year candidates.  Let me think on it for a little bit and I'll come up with some other rules and guidelines to help you make your decisions, because you, my friends, will be helping me vote in the inaugural class. 

Now, of course, there are some shoo-ins that don't have to be voted in.  Mr. Martin is one of those.  I'll compile a list of five or ten that I get a free pass, individuals who don't have to be voted in for their sheer bachelorness. 

By the way, while we're on the topic, I am going to ask a favor of you while I have your attention.  If you know of any singles, bachelors, women, men, people who breathe air and who you think would enjoy this blog, please feel free to forward it to them and expose them to this masterpiece of bachelorhood.  I'm working on growing the readership on my end, but any help you could give would be greatly appreciated.  Hell, if you lend a hand, I might even buy you a drink if I catch you at a local watering hole sometime.

But I'm not here to beg or grovel, I'm here to help, and that's what I'm about to do.  The past few days I've been working feverishly on getting my consulting seminar off the ground, so I've been a little distracted, but I do have two pieces of bachelor importance to address today. 

The first issue comes from a discussion I had earlier this week regarding the difference between men and women.  Of course, this is a bottomless well of great conversation, simply because there are SOOO many differences, which, of course, is fantastic.  It's the differences that make relationships so exciting, and dangerous.  And I'm not talking about the fact that men have no idea what "Scrapbooking" is, or the fact that a toilet seat left up to a guy is just another tuesday, while for a woman, it's cause for justifiable manslaughter.

What're you talkin' about, Willis?

No, today we're talking about, well...talking.  Communication, more precisely.  I had this conversation with two very good female friends this past week, so I figured I'd bring it up to you as well, as part of my public service to help bachelors everywhere avoid the many land mines we run into constantly when dealing with women.  As always, women, feel free to read along, just to make sure I'm getting it right or to add your own take on the topic.

We've all been there, haven't we, fellas?  A girlfriend or close female friend (remember, every bachelor needs one of those), calls you up, maybe they're a little tipsy, or they've been crying, or they're distraught about a fight or their cat is ill, or, whatever.  The point is, they're calling you to talk about it.

Quick what's your first instinct?  Be honest guys.  All together now...our first instinct is to do what?  That's right, we want to help.  Men are fixers.  For some reason we have this incredible urge to want to solve the problems of those around us.  Women may gather in knitting circles and crochet the names of people they want beheaded, or gossip about friends and family.  But men are just as bad, worse maybe, when it comes to talking about the problems of other people.  We sit around in judgement and come up with solutions for people who never asked for our help.

So when it comes to our female friends, our first instinct is to come to their rescue, to aid solve and fix.  Men, in the famous words of Hanz and Franz, hear me now and smell me later...this is a big mistake.  Women don't want us to fix their problems.  When they call us in the middle of the night, crying and venting, they're not asking for assistance.  It's not some kind of veiled cry for help. 

Here's what they're looking for.  They want someone to listen.  That's it, fellas.  It's one of those rare moments when you can really be sure what a woman wants.  They don't want you to solve their problems or come up with great solutions.  That is only going to irritate them, and make them feel worse and there will probably tears involved at some point.  Now, on the other hand, it might mean they'll never call you again to vent, which on the surface might sound great.  But it also means they won't be there when you need to vent and, you know, get their advice. 

See, that's the difference.  When men call women with their problems, we're looking for advice.  Real advice, good advice that we can actually use.  That's why we don't have these talks with our buddies, because the chances of getting good advice from them is about 50-50.  We WANT women to give us advice and help solve our problems.  Women, on the other hand, just want someone to listen to them.

It's a small sacrifice to make guys, in order to have an attractive woman be able to fill in as an emergency date for a wedding.  Just sit there and listen to them.  Try, try TRY to bury your natural urge to be the "handyman" and simply sit back and let them talk.  You don't even have to listen closely.  It's like when your parents used to lecture you about breaking curfew.  A few well-placed "mm hmmm's" and "yes's" will make it seem like you're engrossed in the details of her problems. 

The moral of the story here guys is, that even though it may seem like they want your help, when a woman calls to vent, just get out of the way and let her do the talking.  She'll thank you afterwards and you'll look like a prince for not trying to help solve her problems.  I know, it sounds strange, but believe me, it's the truth.

Dieting Dilemma:

The second issue today is a question that comes from one of the readers of the Bachelor Diaries. 
Jana asks:  "Do bachelors ever diet?"

Thank you, Jana for your interesting question.  Know that the Diaries values you as a reader and will be sending you edible underwear in the mail, look for them at some point...eventually. 

Anyway, to address your question, my first inclination is to say that, no, bachelors do not diet.  Certainly bachelors probably should diet, or eat better or drink less, or maybe that's just me.  But in this new century, it's safe to say that some bachelors do, indeed, diet.  However, I would argue that we don't consider it dieting.  We consider it, "getting healthy," or "losing weight".  That may sound like dieting to some, but I would venture an educated guess that most bachelors don't take their diet into consideration when trying to lose weight.  Instead we fall back on all those things we learned and did in high school and college when we had to "tone up". 

We hit the weights, we go to the gym and try to sweat off the pounds.  We might even get the urge to run a bit, train for a marathon or attend a "boot camp" of some kind.  Fortunately, I haven't had that kind of urge in, oh, about...several years now.  Sadly, it's probably just as likely that, as bachelors we'll ruin all that good sweat work by hitting the bars at night, drinking beer and eating a plate of nachos.

And when it comes to wondering if we ever worry about not being able to fit into our clothes, well, I can honestly say that I've never really spent any time worrying about that.  I've never worn women's clothes, but I can say that I think men's clothing is a little more forgiving in terms of shirts and slacks.  Frankly, men can hide the few extra pounds a little better with our clothing, what can I say.  Plus, in all honesty, men just aren't that worried about those few extra pounds to begin with.  Sad, but true.

Allright, that's it for today.  Glad to be back and hopefully wont' be gone for this long again, at least not in the near future.  And again, send this blog out to anyone you think might enjoy it, and I look forward to hearing your nominations for the Bachelor Hall of Fame.

Take care, sleep well and for God's sake, men, whatever you do, don't help!

Top Ten Movies for Bachelors

I was having a discussion about movies the other night, and we started getting into the differences between chick flicks and guy flicks.  As we were talking, I started wondering about if there is a difference between guy flicks and bachelor flicks.  Obviously, there is some overlap, but I really do believe there is a difference.

So, with that in mind, I set about finding the best movies for bachelors.  I compiled quite a list.  Some are clearly guy flicks, but I think the list is a good place to start for bachelors and, more importantly, for women who want to understand the bachelor psyche.

Here they are, enjoy!

1.  High Fidelity -  This is a must see for all bachelors.  Hell, it's about BEING a bachelor.  It's particularly engaging for aging bachelors facing a mid-life crisis.  It's also a great movie for women trying to understand how a bachelor operates or thinks.  If you haven't seen it, get it...now.

2.  When Harry Met Sally - I know, I know, you're sitting there thinking, "How can you put a chick flick in a bachelor's movie list?"  Well, I did.  Because it's about all the crap that we bachelors deal with.  Handling couples, being in a relationship at one time, moving on, growing up and finding someone worth spending time with.  Besides, Meg Ryan was particularly hot in this movie.

3.  Where the Buffalo Roam - the Bill Murray version, although the remake wasn't half bad.  This is about Hunter S. Thompson, a man's man and the ultimate bachelor.  It's the kind of life many bachelors wish to emulate, the drinking, the drugs, the illicit sex, the destruction of body, mind and hotel rooms.  What more could a person ask for?

4.  The Hangover -  It's a recent addition to the pantheon of great movies, but it's about the mother of all bachelor parties, which is part of being a bachelor. 

5.  Bachelor Party -  First, it has the word bachelor right in the title.  That alone makes it worthy, but it also features the kind of party every bachelor dreams about.  It's wild, it's crazy, it's an adventure.  There are hookers and a mule, and friends who probably belong in an insane asylum trying to show their best friend one last good time before entering the shackles of matrimony.  Added bonus, Tom Hanks at his comedic height.

6.  The Jerk - Okay, I have to admit that I put this one in because it's one of my favorite movies of all time.  But it is also the story of a man, a bachelor, just trying to get along in this world.  Through it all he run across a man who hates oil cans, a dominant biker chick, a woman who plays trumpet on the beach and goes from rags to riches to rags again.  It's a funny adventure movie, with the emphasis on funny.

7.  After Hours - For a movie directed by Scorsese, this movie gets very little attention.  However, in the spirit of all bachelor movies, this one features an adventure of a lifetime that takes place in one night in the life of an obsessed bachelor.  The poor guy is focused on a mysterious woman who he thinks is in trouble and he goes about trying to find out more about her and help her in any way he can.  Along the way he loses his money, gets his ass kicked, nearly killed, meets some very strange people, including a still-hot Terri Garr, and ends up disillusioned and disappointed in the end.  It's the perfect bachelor movie.

8.  Die Hard -  It's a man who is recently separated from his wife, has a daughter, is nearing middle age and is living the life of a depressed bachelor.  Said man goes on a life-threatening adventure.  It has all the elements, and it falls directly into the realm of kick ass guy flick.

9.  Lethal Weapon -  Mel Gibson makes this one a bachelor movie.  A man who is in the throes of some kind of maniacal breakdown, but he gets to wield a giant gun and have sex with models as a way of working through his pain.  Plus he has a dog, lives in a camper on a beach and sports a sweet mullet.  Again, another guy flick entry.

10.  Bedazzled -  Come on, right?  Elizabeth Hurley?  Smoking HOT!  Brendan Frasier?  Funny guy.  A bachelor gets to live out the fantasies of bachelors everywhere, courtesy of the sexiest demon you'll ever see.  What's not to love?

Honorable mention:  Love, Actually, Mad Max (just a cool guy flick), Very Bad Things.

Think I missed something?  Have issue with some of my picks, or do you have others to add to the list?  Please share.  As always, I look forward to your feedback. 

Dynamic Dating

I often get asked if it gets lonely being a bachelor.  If I'm answering honestly, I have to say yes.  But that's not really an issue.  I know married people who seem a lot more lonely than I do at times.  Same thing for those in "committed" relationships.  Sometimes the communications break down with couples and let me tell you, or you may already know, there's nothing lonelier than being with someone and feeling completely isolated and on your own.  It's the worst, much worse than going home alone at night to an empty apartment. 

Bachelors have an advantage, in some ways, that those in a couple don't have.  We can date.  We can go out on a different date with a different person every night if we wanted to; or were able to.  We can meet a bunch of new folks and get to know them and have companionship, be fulfilled, have our egos stroked (no innuendo intended) and go home happy, alone, if we decide that's what we want to do.  

But dating is so hard, I hear the whines coming through my computer screen.  And yes, it can be, if you make it hard.  If you're just out looking to have a good time, meet someone new and don't put added pressure on you or your date, then it's not hard at all, it can be a blast.

Even the dates that are total and complete disasters hold some value for a couple of reasons.  First, you generally get to know pretty quickly that the person you're on a date with is not the right person for you, so you can cut your losses early.  Second, the really disasterous dates give you humorous stories to tell for years to come.

For instance...

When I was a freshman in college, I dated a girl named Portia.  She was from New York, I was from Denver.  She was older, in fact the only older woman I've ever gone out with.  We had a history class together and I was smitten by her.  We studied together, got close, and I finally scrounged up enough nerve to ask her out at the end of the semester.  I was working a summer job at an airport catering service, you know, taking out the old food from an airplane and restocking it for the next flight. 

The job sucked, but it paid well and gave me time at night to go out, since I worked early mornings.  I wanted to impress Portia, so I bought a couple of tickets to the CU Shakespeare Festival, grabbed a bottle of wine and picked her up in my 1982 Pontiac J2000.  She was living in Boulder at the time, so I parked close to her house and we walked to the show. 

Immediately I knew things weren't going to go as planned.  She seemed distracted as we walked and the conversation seemed stiff and uninteresting.  I hadn't seen her in three weeks and I was so fired up to be with her, I couldn't understand why she wasn't showing the same enthusiasm. 

By the time we got to the outdoor theater, it had started to rain.  I had planned a nice picnic on the green, wine and everything.  It turns out she couldn't eat cheese, lactose intolerant, something I didn't know.  And I forgot a wine opener (ah the inexperience of youth).  I managed to shove the cork inside the bottle and poured her a cork-infused glass of wine into the cheap plastic cup I had brought.  We sipped the awful wine and I tried to make jokes. 

We watched the show, I remember it being only okay.  Afterwards, I was ready to call it a night, secure in the thought that I had blown it with this classy, beautiful woman completely.  To my surprise, however, afterwards, when we got to her house, she asked if I wanted to go grab a beer and play some pool with her.  Of course I agreed. 

While we were at Flynn's, she admitted she wasn't a big theater fan and would rather have spent time with me at a local bar.  She went because she knew I was excited, but noted that in the future, less formal get togethers would be appreciated.  I felt good, knowing that the lines of communication were opening and we had fun.

When we got back to her place, I noticed my car was gone.  I thought it had been stolen.  So she drove me to the police station where I reported the theft to the police.  They took my report and went into the back to check records.  When they returned, they told me I was under arrest for a warrant out of Aurora, apparently a ticket I hadn't paid from a couple of years earlier.  I was mortified.  The bail was $120 and I had bout fifteen in my pocket. 

Portia bailed me out, it took a few hours to be processed, and, as I had no way to get home, let me sleep on her couch that night.  The next morning I awoke to find that she was gone.  She had left me a note saying I owed her $120 bucks, that she was moving back to New York in a few weeks, and that we probably should never see each other again.  I was to be out of her house by the time she got back later that afternoon.

I managed to get my car out of impound, it had been towed, by the way, not stolen.  I drove back to Denver feeling embarrassed and sad and angry.  Of course, now, looking back, that entire evening holds a special place for me.  It was an awful date, with a great woman.  But more than that, it was such a learning experience, such an adventure.  I learned a lot that night and grew up a bit.  Plus, I now have a great story to tell about one of the worst dates in the history of mankind.

Get your courage up:

I was reminded of this on Saturday night as I was hanging out with some friends at Artopia in Denver. It was a mishmash of a lot of different types of people, artists, drinkers, clubbers, DJ's and slam poets and magicians, burlesque dancers and jugglers and transvestites.  We were there performing and after our set, we wandered around the different attractions and had a few drinks. 

One of the guys I was with is a 25 year old salesman.  Good guy, nice guy.  Not unattractive and no a jerk.  He is a good bachelor.  He got caught up with a drunk woman who took a liking to him during our show, and as some of us left the initial venue, he was seen chatting away with this attractive, but clearly inebriated woman on a couch. 

We made our way through the snow to another venue and watched some dancers do their thing with glowing hula hoops and fuzzy boots.  Suddenly he showed up, practically begging for us to help him ditch this woman who had apparently confessed she was about to throw up all over her sparkly golden dress.  Taking pity on the kid, we shuffled him through the crowd and upstairs to the dance club. 

Now it's been a while since I was at a dance club.  I've always been more of a barfly type of guy, not a clubber.  But I do enjoy clubs every now and then.  Once up there, I remembered why I liked going to clubs once in a while.  The women were all very attractive, the music was good and the drinks flowed. 

We were on round three when he pointed out a very attractive woman standing nearby with her friend.  I said I thought she was hot and that I loved her red hair.  He challenged me to go talk to her, so I did.  I was my usual charming self, introduced myself, mentioned how much I loved her hair, included her girlfriend in our conversation and offered to buy her a drink.  She made it clear she was there with her boyfriend, standing right behind her.  I thanked her for her time, said something about her being subtle but to the point, shook her hand and returned to where we had been sitting earlier.

It was a short exchange, but a pleasant one.  She wasn't bitchy or rude about my approach and seemed genuinely flattered.  It was the perfect bachelor risk.  See, in order for bachelors to get dates, we have to approach the people we want to date.  We have to get used to rejection.  Some play the numbers game, knowing that the more they ask, eventually someone will say yes.  Others play it safer, picking out the ones they feel pretty confident will say yes right off the bat.

Those who know me, know I rarely lack confidence and I rarely avoid asking someone out if I want to date them.  You have to take that risk.  Sadly, many bachelors either won't take that risk often enough, or they simply don't know how.

Bachelorettes, I understand your position, too.  You may be getting tired of waiting for guys to ask you out, but you don't really know how to approach a guy, or maybe you're afraid of rejection.  All I can say is, get used to it.  It's a gamble, it's putting yourself out there to meet new people, and not all of those people want to meet you.  You ask a guy out, they say no, move on to the next one.  It gets easier the more you do it.

When you finally do get that date, don't put pressure on it.  Approach it like you're just going to have fun and meet someone new.  The more pressure you put on a date, the less likely it will be fun and will turn into a disaster.  Added pressure is what makes dating hard.

Tips for the meeting:

For those of you who just don't know how to approach someone in a club or a bar or in public, well, the Bachelor Diaries is here for you.  Here are some tips you can use.  Let me know how it works out for you.

1.  Don't use a pickup line.  I dont care if your uncle's friends' best friend used a line to get his wife.  They just don't work.  Instead, find something to talk to them about.  Maybe it's their hair, or an unusual item of clothing or their dog, or a mutual interest.  Don't say, "Wow, you look hot in those shorts!"  That's creepy and gauranteed to scare them away.

2.  Use humor.  Try to make them laugh and be self-depricating.  You want to seem like you have confidence, you don't want to come across as an arrogant jerk.  Women love men who can make them laugh.  Don't tell jokes, you're not Seinfeld, but try to find a way to make them laugh, quickly.

3.  If they're with a girlfriend, and assuming you don't have a wingman (I'll write a full entry on the wingman coming up) include her girlfriend in the conversation.  The girlfriend is an important obstacle you will have to overcome.  If you do manage to strike up a conversation and exchange numbers, the prospective date will be looking to her girlfriend for approval.  You want the friend to like you, otherwise, you're dead in the water.

4.  Keep the conversation light and focused on her.  You don't want to talk about yourself too much.  Show interest in her, ask questions about what she likes to do, what she does for a living.  This is a fine line, because it's not an interrogation and asking too many personal questions is creepy.  It IS okay, however to ask if she's dating someone.  That shows you're interested in her without getting too personal.

5.  Be gracious.  Sometimes a person just isn't interested in you.  You make your introduction, you chat for a bit, you try to get a number or a date.  Setting up something casual works.  "Hey, I'm usually at The Spotted Dog on Friday nights, if I see you there, I'll buy you a drink," can work.  Let her know where she can find you.  If, however, she says she appreciates the effort and she's flattered, but she's just not interested, you can still let her know where you can be found, thank her and leave.  You don't want to pressure her and you don't want to cause a scene.  If they're not interested, let it go and walk away. 

I'm interested in hearing your dating stories, the good ones and the disasters.  Leave your stories here in the comments section and the best ones will win a prize.  Something cool like tickets to an improv show or a bottle of wine, sans corkscrew.

Can't wait to read them all.

Apology Accepted?

So, I watched the Tiger Woods apology this morning.  I was up, so, why not?  Honestly, I was never angry at Tiger.  I never felt he owed me an apology.  I never held him up as a role model, even though I would give my left nut to be able to golf like him. 

My first thoughts when I heard about Tiger's infidelity was, "Heck yeah, Tiger, you go, dude."  Now, I know that's a completely insensitive opinion on my part.  But, frankly, as a bachelor, I had to sit back and ask myself if I would have been any different.

Listen, power and money are great aphrodesiacs.  Women love men with power, women love men with money.  It's why ugly guys get laid.  If I had been Tiger, I probably wouldn't have gotten married, I don't care if she's a blonde Swedish supermodel.  There are just too many women out there to play around with when you're relatively young, good looking, a multi-millionaire and the best golfer in the world. 

It just reeks of temptation, the kind of temptation that better men than me can't resist. 

But apparently millions of American women and members of the religious right didn't see it that way.  They were "outraged" and "ashamed" and, well...outraged, by his actions.  They wanted, no, they DEMANDED an apology for his indescretions. 

Like many other bachelors, I don't judge men who cheat on their wives.  I just don't, so curse me now if you must.  I certainly judge the women they cheat with.  I mean, Hugh Grant was with one of the most beautiful women in the world when he decided to catch a quickie with one very unattractive hooker in the front seat of his car.  I didn't wonder why he cheated.  I wondered why he cheated with a woman who couldn't hold a candle to Elizabeth Hurley in any reality.

When President Clinton cheated on his wife when he was the President, I didn't question why he cheated.  I DID question why he cheated with Monica, when he clearly had better offers from much more attractive women.  It just boggled the mind.  Plus, I was disappointed he lied about cheating. 

Who was going to blame him?  We've seen his wife.  Bachelors everywhere would have cheered him on if he had just said, "Yeah I cheated, have you seen Hillary in the morning?  I did it, and I'd do it again, only this time with Elizabeth Hurley, come on baby, I know you want to get even with that English bastard, let me show you how it's done in the states, baby."

Bachelors would have erected a golden statue of Clinton in Central Park and we'd have little icons of him in our bedrooms that we would worship on a daily basis.

So I didn't, don't and never will demand an apology from Tiger.  I get it.  Bachelors get it.  Tiger should have stayed a bachelor and milked that ride for everything he could get.  God knows I would have.

How about you?  Were you mad at Tiger?  Did you demand an apology?  Was his apology enough for you if you did?  I'm interested to hear from others who were angry with Tiger before today's press conference.  Why were you so upset?  How do you feel about him now? 

Inquiring minds want to know. 

Bad Boys and Fine Whine

So much complaining and whining.  It's funny, really, if it weren't so sad.  I had the "pleasure" of catching about five minutes of the Today Show on NBC this morning.  I'm not exactly sure what the topic was, I think it had something to do with dating.  To my surprise, however, they had a panel of bachelors on to answer women's questions about men.

It was nice to see a group of bachelors answering questions, live questions, not pre-planned, canned and rehearsed questions, about dating and women and men.  A lot of times you get so-called "experts" answering these questions.  The only thing I know is that experts don't know bunk, when it comes to dating.  It's just too complex, too varied to toss out a few platitudes and generalizations and expect them to be successfull. 

Maybe Meredith is looking for a date, or maybe they were just in a pissy mood, but it looked more like a "attack all men" segment than a helpful, "how to get a man" segment.  The questions essentially boiled down into one of two categories.

Question number one:  Why don't men find me attractive?  (Other variations include; why won't they date me, why don't they ask me out, why don't they want to commit).

Question number two:  Why are all men such bastards?

Yeah, I think that about covers it.  Seriously, one of the questions asked was why a man in a relationship for ten years wasn't able to commit to the woman he's with.  By "commit" I assume she meant marriage, by the way.  In my mind, if a man has been with the same woman for ten years, he has made a commitment, a major commitment, a ten year commitment.  Fortunately, one of the bachelors asked the question I always ask in those situations which is, "Why is the woman still with the man if she feels he won't commit after ten years?"

The gals on the panel took offense to the question, hinting that the bachelors were blaming the woman for the non-commitment.  Look, there's no finger pointing going on.  Clearly the two sides just don't see eye to eye in their definition of "commitment". 

If the woman in that relationship wanted to get married, she probably should have said something early on in the relationship.  If she did, and he still didn't agree or want to get married, the woman has a choice.  She can stay with him out of sheer love, knowing that he is committed to her, if not married to her.  Or she can leave and go find a man who feels the same way about marriage and "commitment". 

I've always said that women carry the burden of responsibilities in most relationships.  Women are more mature, they tend to be more focused and generally have a better idea of what they want from a relationship than men do.  This isn't to say that men bear no responsibility for the success or failure of a relationship, we do.  But women have the power.  The problem is, not enough women know this.

Let's take a look at the bad boy phenomenon.  We are all familiar with it.  The guy who is mysterious, plays by his own rules, is tough, strong, can be mean when he has to be, a kitten when he wants to be.  These are men with a strong sense of self, a huge ego (even larger than the typical male ego, which is already massive) and moves from woman to woman as it suits his needs.

I learned early on that the bad boys get the girls.  Women love the bad boys.  We also know that when a man shows interest in a woman too quickly, they'll run away.  But be a jerk, distant, even a little mean, and they'll be fascinated by you.  They'll want to change you, they'll want to find out what kind of hurt you have inside that made you such a bad boy.  Women are drawn to angst like ants to a picnic.  The troubled soul, the loner, the bad boy, will win every time when a woman has to choose.

I get that, I really do.  I, myself often find myself attracted to the unattainable.  The woman who is "out of my league" as they might say.  Or the woman who is unavailable either emotionally or because she's married or in a relationship or maybe is moving away.  I make poor choices, we all do. 

But I have reached an age where I understand this major flaw in my relationship decision-making process.  I'm at peace with my idiocy.  I don't complain about it, I don't whine about it, hell, I've even stopped trying to change it, deciding instead to go along for the ride and hope that some woman comes along that will make me forget why I made all those bad decisions in the first place.

But for some reason, women tend to be shocked, surprised, flummoxed by their inability to get the bad boy conform to their dream of the perfect relationship.

Here's a hint, ladies:  If you're going to date bad boys, you're going to get bad relationships. 

And, if you choose to stay in these relationships, even after trying for years, after putting your soul into making it work, and it still isn't functioning, then who'se fault is that?  Is it the man's fault for being who he is?  Or is it yours for staying in a relationship that has zero chance of ever working?

Here's another hint.  When you find yourself in relationships that don't work, it's time to wield your power.  Because bachelors are inherently self centered, selfish and emotionally unavailable, they need a jolt in order to get through to them.  If you're dating a bachelor, or want to date someone who is a bachelor, then you have to remember a few things.

1.  You can't change him.  Don't try, don't even think about it.  If what you see is something that bothers you, move on.  All the cajoling and teaching and scolding in the world will never get the bachelor to be anything but who he is.  It's like trying to train a bear.  You can get him to jump through hoops for a while, but at some point, it's still a bear and it will kill you if it decides it's had enough. 

2.  It's not 1940 anymore - You have earning power, you have independence.  You don't NEED this man, or that man to make you complete.  The more independent you are, it's likely that bachelors will way more interested in you.  Confidence is sexy.

3.  Be aggressive - If you see a bachelor you like, go after him.  I hear so often from women who say they "will never pursue a man" or that they'll "never ask a man out".  Fine.  At least one of these women are attractive enough to get away with that philosophy.  Truthfully, most aren't.  If you see something you want, go get it.  Make eye contact, buy them a drink, ask them to dance, get their number, call them up and take them on a date.  It's not that bachelors are wallflowers, athough some are, it's that a lot of times, bachelors are out having fun.  They're eyes are always scanning the room for potential dates, always.  At bars, at clubs, in public, there are a lot of attractive women walking around.  You might just blend into a crowd.  He might not notice you.  That doesn't mean he won't be interested if you DO manage to stand out from the others.  Plus by doing this, you cut past the games, the crap and the effort of making a connection.  Bachelors are used to making the first move.  We are used to rejection and sometimes we just don't feel like taking the risk on a given night.  Trust me, bachelors will find your forwardness refreshing and enjoyable.

Now let's say you do manage to catch the attention of a bachelor.  You go out on a few dates, you get to know each other, you become friends, maybe with benefits.  If at some point you feel the bachelor in question and you are starting to reach a point where decisions have to be made, or you feel he is starting to lose interest, take a stand.

I'm not saying give your bachelor an ultimatum.  They never work.  They just put the bachelor in a defensive position and makes you the bad guy by putting pressure on the guy.  One of the reasons he might be shying away from you is that he is feeling pressure from you already.  Adding more on top of that is a sure fire way to end the relationship before it even gets started.

Chances are one of the reasons he was attracted to you in the first place is because of your independence.  Reclaim that ground by letting him know you have things to do, like spending time with your girlfriends, or maybe even going out with a co-worker or out on a blind date (set up by a friend, of course).  In other words, remind the bachelor what he has to lose without giving an ultimatum.

He might panick and decide maybe he's ready to commit more than he has.  Maybe he'll enjoy the time alone and appreciate you more when you two are together.  Either way, you're in control now and you're not letting the bachelor dictate the terms of the relationship.

Bachelors will string you along and play the field as long as they can.  They're bachelors because a) they're not ready to commit, b) they never want to commit, or c) the thought of commitment simply has never entered their mind.  You can't force any of these types of bachelors to commit if they're not prepared to do so.  But you CAN grab their attention, and, over time get them to realize how special you are and how much better they are with you than without you.

and if you decide you're willing to stick it out with a confirmed bachelor who treats marriage and commitment in the same way snowmen greet the sun, then don't complain or whine about it later when it falls apart. 

What bachelors want

Greetings fellow bachelors.  I hope you have all recovered from the holiday weekend sufficiently by now.  Today's post deals with a question I received recently from a reader known simply as "Jane".  I don't know the particulars of "Jane," but apparently she's a bachelor...or in search of a bachelor, I'm not really sure.  But the question is a good one, and one that I have been answering for many years as a self-professed bachelor.

Jane's question:  Dear Bachelor, What kind of woman do bachelors avoid?  As a follow-up, are bachelors more forgiving of women not having perfect bodies?  Finally, can bachelors smell desperation?

The Bachelor Diaries:  Dear Jane.  The answers, in order, are; A hottie, no, yes.  A side note, bachelors are NOT, repeat, not looking for their mothers.  That's just...wrong.

I'm just kidding, Jane.  First, let me start by saying thank you for your questions.  I don't know that I'll be able to answer all of these right here, right now, but if I don't get to them all, be assured I'll answer them soon.

I obviously don't speak for all men, although as a longtime bachelor, I believe I have a pretty good sense of what bachelors are looking for, so I'll certainly take a crack at these questions.  As always, feel free to chime in with any questions of your own, or if you're a bachelor, add your own thoughts or ideas about what bachelors want.  Female bachelors, give me YOUR thoughts about what bachelorettes are looking for, since I can only really write this from a male perspective.

Desperation Alert:

With all that said, let me start from the end and work my way back to the beginning.  Can bachelors smell desperation?  Jane, I sense that you give men way too much credit for having a heightened sense of awareness and sensitivity.  Men, in general, are way too self-involved to have a real sense of what women are feeling at any given moment.  This often leads to problems since women believe that, somehow, we can read their minds, or interpret their body language or understand their tone of voice. 

So, of course I'm going to say, yes, generally, bachelors can sense desperation.  For the "singles" out there, desperation works for them.  Mostly because they're just as desperate as the person they're out on a date with.  There's a panic of, "I can't be alone!" in their every move.  If they're with another desperate single, suddenly there's a love connection.  Or at the very least, a relationship connection.  In these situations, it's the relationship that matters, not the other person so much.  There's comfort in being involved with somebody, anybody, as opposed to being alone.  When you get two people like this together, they make it work simply because neither one wants to be, or is capable of, being alone.

Bachelors, not so much.  See, as I've said before, bachelors are not only comfortable being alone, they actually enjoy it much of the time.  So the idea of being in a relationship just to avoid being alone is both idiotic and repugnant.  They'd rather be alone than be with someone who will just be a drain on their time, money and energy.  The bachelor has already projected the relationship to its bitter end, and it's not pretty.  There's usually arguing, screaming, things being thrown, threats made.

When a bachelor goes on a date with a woman, there a lot of reasons why.  Somewhere on the list might be, "to find the love of my life", but it's probably lower on the list.  We bachelors may be attracted to the woman, we might want to spend more time with her, but the thought of marriage and children and dual retirement rocking chairs isn't even a blip on the radar. 

At the same time, a woman who is desperate, has already thought about all of that.  The wedding is planned, the invites already sent out in her mind.  She usually tips her hand somewhere between dinner and dessert with comments like "my mother would love you," and "I've always wanted a big family."

Definite No-No's:

Mom?  Family?  These are scary, scary words to a bachelor.  Here are things to avoid if you don't want to seem desperate when you meet a bachelor:

1.  Don't mention family, children or parents in any context that includes the two of you.

2.  Don't tell them you want them to go, say, whitewater rafting with the specific aim of having you meet their friends.  If you want to go rafting with them, do it, just don't make it a "friends meet-n-greet".

3.  Don't talk about being lonely, how much you hate being alone, or your ex's and how much you miss them or hate them.  These send up huge, HUGE red flags for a bachelor who's just out looking to have a good time with an attractive woman.

If you do any of these things, don't be surprised if you never hear from them again after the date.  Oh, another thing.  It's okay to be touchy, depending on the person, it varies.  But don't be OVERLY touchy.  You want to touch their shoulder, put a hand on the knee, maybe even hold their hand for a moment, fine.  But don't grab their hand every time you are walking together, or put your arm around him and squeeze him like a teddy bear, holding him close to you as if your life depended on it.

That kind of dependency frightens a bachelor.  We are, by nature, independent creatures, and we are going to be attracted to others who value and enjoy their independence.  We don't want to have someone who is too dependent on us for their happiness, it scares us off.

As to your other questions, I'm going to skip past the body type question right now.  It's really more of a "man" question rather than a bachelor-specific question.  I will say this, it changes over time and if I can take just one moment on my soapbox, let me pontificate.

We dont' want "Twiggy":

Women, stop it!  Men like curves, we want a woman to look like a woman.  We don't need our women to look like a superskinny, drug-emaciated model.  You work out, you want to be healthy, we get that, and it's cool.  But obsessing about working out, or losing that last five to ten pounds, well, that's just annoying.  It says something about self confidence and self perception if you can't have a cookie or a slice of cake because you're worried someone won't find you attractive enough if you eat it.  Plus, hey, you DO have a personality, don't you?  Try using it.  You'll find your love life will pick up significantly. 

Oh, man.  As you can tell, I'm pretty passionate about that topic.  I'll be doing an entire entry on it soon.

What DO we want?

So, I've menioned a few things that bachelors don't like, or want in this entry.  But what do they want?  What are they looking for?  What kind of woman does it take to break a bachelor out of eternal singletude? 

This is going to sound vague and will probably frustrate some of you with its non-specificity, but here is my answer.  A bachelor wants someone who fits them.

I know, I hear you out there, screaming, "What the hell does THAT mean?"  There are no real specific answers, since everyone wants something different, so, sorry about that.  But what I mean by that answer is, compatability is very, very important to a bachelor.  Man, how do I explain this?

Okay, I know a guy who is pretty humorless.  He's fastidious, follows all the rules, doesn't go out much at all, never drinks, doesn't smoke, works his 9 to 5 job every day and works on his home on the weekend.  He has a small circle of friends, which he enjoys, has one hobby, fishing, and has been a bachelor most of his life.  He's pretty set in his ways. 

Now you might think this guy is a loser, he's not.  He's very smart, stays in shape and is a fascinating person to talk to.  He likes his alone time, he's pretty self sufficient, plus he's pretty religious.  Some have tried to set him up with fun-loving, social butterfly type of women.  And they've all been very attractive.  For a while they have a good time, but eventually, she starts to feel tied down by spending another night in watching movies, he's just uncomfortable around her friends, they often disagree along religious and political lines, and soon after they stop seeing each other.

It's true that opposites attract.  Generally, these women spice his life up for a bit, and he likes that.  But over time, the differences get to be too much and it becomes an untenable relationship.  He needs someone who is less active, someone who will be a little more dependent on him in a relationship, someone who appreciates the one-on-one time rather than spending time out with a large social group of friends.

I'm a totally different story.  I've lived an...interesting life.  At one point I was married to my career, I like to drink, I'm very social, I smoke, I enjoy physical activities, but only to a point.  I sometimes like to argue just for the sake of arguing.  I love to laugh and have a strange sense of humor.  I need a companion, someone who is a partner.  Someone who makes me laugh, can argue with me, be a smart ass, is independent and is smart.  The best relationships I've had are the ones where we would go to a party, and about five minutes after getting there, we go off in different directions.  The cool part to that is that we have stuff to talk about on the drive home.

I also can't stand "high maintenance" women.  I will be posting a full entry on high maintenance women soon, but they just annoy the hell out of me.  Women who are clingy, women who are self-obsessed, women who feel they have to put makeup on just to run to the store.  Women who are so uptight they nitpick everything a man does.  Ugh, I just want to bop them on the head and let them see the light.  I love seeing women in sweats and with their hair in a ponytail, or just after they wake up in the morning.  Maybe because I live in Colorado, but nothing is more beautiful than a woman in a laid back state.  Unless it's a woman in an oversized man's shirt and nothing else...or a woman in a schoolgirl outfit...but back to my point...

We all have different definitions of what constitutes a "good" relationship.  If there are some unifying characteristics, though, I'd have to say these would be what bachelors are looking for:

1.  Someone who is their own person.  We are our own person and we want someone similar.

2.  Someone who doesn't want to change who we are. 

3.  Someone who is willing to overlook some of our flaws in exchange for the wonderful person inside.

4.  Someone who is trustworthy, understanding and loyal.

5.  Someone who shares our values.

You look at that list and, really, it pertains to all men, not just bachelors.  Although I think the first two are really important when it comes to bachelors.

Women, listen.  Men are simple creatures.  Bachelors even moreso.  Don't try to overthink us, don't try to unravel our secrets.  We are going to make stupid, stupid mistakes.  We are probably never going to live up to your childhood prince charming.  We are men, we are bachelors.  We are going to forget to put the toilet seat down, and we are going to forget birthdays, anniversaries and appointments.  We will dirnk too much sometimes, we will not be as emotionally available as you'd like and we will probably smell from time to time. 

If you can deal with all of that, and still find something special in a bachelor, then you might just be the kind of woman we're looking for.  Send us your number, we'll call you...eventually...maybe.

Hi, Mary Jet? It's me, Chris.

Hola amigos!  I hope you all are enjoying this most wonderful of days, President's Day.  I don't remember President's Day being a big deal when I was younger, but apparently, today, it is.  Government agencies close, parking is free, all is well with the world.

Of course there was another little holiday event we participated in over the weekend; Valentine's Day.  As usual, I had a good weekend.  Went to a party, met a lot of interesting new people, only found myself being annoyed by a single couple, and threw down a few beers.  Well, maybe more than just a few, but why sweat the details right now.

I was just going to write about the Valentine's Day party I attended over the weekend, and the lust connection and proposal I recieved, and I will, but I had a funny experience that will instead take over this entry.  But I'll get to that in a second.

I had two V-day parties to attend this weekend, I only made one of them.  And I'm sad I didn't get to go to the second one, as it sounds like it was also a blast.  I had a show to do Saturday night, but I was done early and went to the first party, fully intent on hitting the second party later in the evening.  A friend I do improv with owns, or at least used to own a female-oriented sex shop on Broadway in Denver.  He and his wife shuttered the doors this weekend and they threw a big party to celebrate and say goodbye.  I went to this party knowing there would be a whole spectrum of partiers there, free beer, colorful outfits and lifestyles, all surrounded by dildoes and other sex toys. 

I met some very interesting folks and here's what I really liked about it.  It wasn't really a setting for singles to specifically meet new partners.  If it happened, it happened.  But mostly it was a just party to mourn the loss of another small business in Denver and to look forward to better things in the future.

I saw some things that, if I were a woman, would scare the hell out of me; "I'm not putting THAT inside me!", and had some very interesting conversations with some very fascinating people  Somewhere along the way I was propositioned for a threesome.  One woman, two men.  Listen, I'm open minded.  I'm even a bit of a perv.  But I just can't go down that road.  I was flattered, honored even, since the couple was very attractive, but I declined and went outside for a smoke.  It wasn't the insane bash I envisioned with orgies taking place in the corner and people making out in candlelight, the sounds of "love" keeping rythm to the music.  But it was fun. 

The times they are-a-changin'

I've been to those types of parties.  Mostly when I was younger, but a few even more recently.  The funny thing is this; when I was younger, most of those types of parties were spontaneous and mostly alcohol fueled.  Crazy college kids hooking up at the end of some beer bash.  The more recent parties like that are more planned.  Drugs are more prominent.  Not the hard stuff, but the fun stuff like X and shrooms.  There's wine, beer, mixed drinks, the usual.  But the partiers are way more sophisticated than when I was younger.  They are adults, they understand their sexuality much better that most of us did when we were in our early 20's.  They KNOW why they're at the party.  They want to experience deviance, they want to push their limits, they are there to satisfy urges. 

Those parties are incredible.  The most recent one I went to was a Halloween a few years ago and I don't think I enjoyed a party as much since then.  Ask me someday and I might tell you about it in more detail.  The point is this...as bachelors get older they become more focused on exactly what they're looking for.  They know when something is a waste of time and simply don't expend their efforts on something or someone that doesn't meet certain requirements.  In this sense, getting older as a bachelor is a lot of fun.  I can say with certainty that the number of women I find attractive is much larger than it was ten years ago.  It's not all just physical like it used to be.  This is a good thing.

Particularly in today's age of the internet and social media, bachelors can always find a group of people that they connect with, thus focusing their search for fun or love, whichever they prefer, and in turn increasing their chances of success in finding what they're looking for.

The little shiny, multi-functional book:

On the other side of the spectrum is the young and vigorous bachelor.  You know who I'm talking about.  If it's a woman, we call them sluts or nympho's.  If they're men, we call them "players".  I don't think I was ever really a player.  I used to date a lot more when I was younger than I do today, although I blame my lack of funding for today's drought.  Anyway, I want to state for the record that I think these labels are patently unfair to the young, fun bachelors. 

When you're young is EXACTLY the time when you should be a bachelor.  Why tie yourelf down to a single individual when you really don't know what you're looking for anyway?  Play the field, sample the wares, tour the factory, whatever you want to call it, being a bachelor at a young age is like going to school.  You are always learning and growing and, unlike school, you're most likely having a great time while doing it.  Plus, you get to meet a ton of different people along the way, people who may become close friends over time.  Of course we know that most won't but still, you never really know.

All of this brings me to the holy grail for bachelors, "The Little Black Book."  During the porn party on Saturday (my name, not theirs), the shop was selling literal black books.  I've never had a real little black book.  I had a bunch of pieces of paper that I'd get with names and numbers on them and I'd put them into a bowl in my room.  Let me tell you, a hundred little pieces of paper is a real headache to sift through when you are looking for a date for a wedding or a late night hook up. 

Today, of course, we all have cellphones that can easily be updated with name, phone number, email, etc.  I have the pleasure of knowing two young bachelors, who you might call "players", and I discovered how today's youthful bachelors use their technology to increase their bachelor standing. 

Here's something else I have to admit.  I never had so many names and numbers that I had a problem remembering where I met a woman and when.  Apparently, this is not true with todays active bachelor.  Both young men are in their early 20's and go to dance clubs regularly.  I've never been a dance club kind of guy.  I meet women in other venues.  But I digress, again.  These two men are also very nice, very funny and attractive.  In other words, they're "chick magnets".  Thus, when they go out, they generally leave with two, three, twenty names and numbers.  I don't know how many because I've never been with them at the clubs, although I am seriously considering going, if just to watch them work their magic.  I'm sure it's a wonder to behold.  And as they saying goes, you're never too old to learn.

One day last week, I was standing next to one of these men when they received a phone call.  I caught the name.  It was Mary Jet.  I commented what a cool name that was.  For a second, the bachelor in question looked at me with a blank stare, as if trying to comprehend what I had just said.  Then, he broke into a full, loud laugh.  I was confused.  I really thought it was a cool name and didn't understand the meaning of the laughter. 

"Her name isn't Mary Jet," he said between giggles.  "Her name is Mary, and I met her at Jet."  For those of you who don't know Denver, Jet is the name of a local club.  Suddenly it made sense to me.  He must have a hundred "Jet's" in his phone.  So I asked him if I could see his phone list.  He obliged me and I nearly had to sit down, the number of women listed was so breathtaking.  There were "Jet's", "Blue's", "Front Porch's", etc.  Hundreds of names.  I was in the presence of greatness.

Now jump forward to Sunday night.  I was doing a show with another one of these uber-bachelors.  It just so happened that this one, we'll name him Sam, not his real name, by they way, had met two women while out on the town Saturday night.  He convinced them to attend the show Sunday night.  I saw them.  They were very, very attractive and the entire show just seemed totally smitten by him.  Of course, his goal for the night was to take them both home for a little "extracurricular" activity.  Hey, I just report, I don't judge.  And, frankly, I could only wish him luck, because if he succeeded in his achieving his goals, he is one lucky man.

Right after the show, while we were getting ready for notes, I told the story of the other bachelor and the mix up with the name "jet" and how the bachelor used the name to identify the woman in question.  Without missing a beat, "Sam" turned around and said, "Oh, yeah, I do that.  If I didn't, I couldn't keep my women straight." 

I fought the urge to just stand up and applaud.  Clearly, I was never in the same league as these gentlemen, but beyond that, I was impressed with their use of technology that simply wasn't available when I started on my Magical Mystery Tour of bachelorhood.  I can say this with all honesty; I would have been greatly served by an iPhone when I was in my mid-20's.  I knew too many Sarah's and too many Staceys and too many Melinda's and would get them mixed up all the time. 

Maybe even with an iPhone, my natural unorganized tendencies would have still resulted in a botched phone call late at night.  Either way, I know that being a bachelor has changed and the old exchange of numbers isn't what it used to be, and that's a good thing.  Perhaps getting the name and number in a phone is a lot like collecting notches in a bedpost, but safer and saner.  Sometimes a bachelor might not ever call that woman, or man. 

But just having it in the phone is a testament to their prowess as a bachelor.  It is an ego boost saying, "I was good enough to get them to give me their number."  Plus, later on, if one of those women do call, there won't be any embarrassment of the bachelor trying desperately to figure out who the caller is on the other end of the line. 

I used to know a guy when I was in college who would tape his old used condoms on his bedroom wall, yes, I know it's disgusting, but that's what he did.  It was his way of showing the world that he was a bachelor in good standing, a player to be reckoned with. 

Now, I ask you, isn't collecting names and numbers, complete with a note regarding where you met, MUCH better than condom taping?  Don't answer that, it's rhetorical.  In the end, the new little black book in a phone is a much better method to go about being a bachelor than it used to be, and for that, bachelors everywhere thank the technology gods.

Now, I only need to find some women to put in my iPhone.

Day D'Amour

I just want to get this out of the way here.  I enjoy Valentine's Day.  I do, really.  It's certainly not high on my list of the "High Holy Holidays," those are reserved for Halloween, St. Patrick's Day and New Years Eve.  But I always manage to get some drinking in and I meet some great people on Valentine's Day.  It's a fun day, particularly if you're single.  Don't believe me?  Then read on, I'll explain.

Currently it's Wednesday night.  A mere three days before the most dreaded of all holidays for singles everywhere...Valentine's Day.  Or at least that's what many would have you think.  Television, radio, print, movies, videos, poems, just about every aspect of our culture, popular or otherwise would have you believing that on Valentine's Day couples are in such a state of blissful love that rainbows appear spontaneously, clouds pour down chocolate sprinkles and God literally reaches down and individually blesses every couple, who probably just happen to be eating dinner at an expensive restaurant.

Meanwhile, all the singles in the world scurry into their darkened hovels, hissing at the smiling sun and singing bluebirds that, naturally, follow around all couples.  Those in love, simply walk past the huddling singles, tsking to themselves and sadly shaking their heads, knowing that at some point the singles will be sitting in front of their tv sets, drunk on box wine, their shirts covered in the remnants of cheetoes and crying themselves softly to sleep; a single, lonely sleep.

Uh, hold on there, Sparky...

I'm not buying it.  Never have.  I'm not one of those folks who've always despised the day.  I've been single, and I've also been involved in relationships on Valentine's Day.  I'm here to tell you, kind reader, that being single on Valentine's Day is really a lot easier.  I mean, let's face it, there's no pressure to buy trinkets, or diamonds, or chocolates or dinner for two.  You don't have to make plans, you don't have to go to "couples" parties where you'll have to listen to people talk about "Love in the Time of Cholera" as if it were a literary masterpiece while you're bored out of your mind looking in vain for more whiskey. 

You don't have to ask anyone to marry you.  Better yet, no one is EXPECTING you to ask them to marry you.  No late night arguments because you got too drunk or too "handsy".  No buying flowers that are way overpriced, or getting flowers at the office from that one person who is THIS CLOSE to being a stalker. 

What I'm saying is this...being single on Valentine's Day is a no-lose situation.  Besides, for a lot of us guys, Valentine's Day is for getting lucky.  If you're in a couple, the significant other feels almost obligated to have sex with you.  And if you're a bachelor, it's easy enough to find some lonely soul at the bar to go home with you if that's what you're really looking for.  So in this instance, it's a wash.

Listen.  I'm not some life coach or some kind of zen master.  I'm not telling you what holidays you should and shouldn't enjoy.  But I AM here to tell you that if you're a bachelor, you not only can, but you SHOULD enjoy Valentine's Day.

Why Valentine's Day is a Bachelor's Dream:

I've already gone over the reasons why it's not so bad, but here are some reasons why it can really be enjoyable for bachelors everywhere.

1.  Parties
There are a ton of parties.  Sure a lot of them involve couples, but the vast majority of them are singles focused.  If you can manage to find a party or two that is a singles only party, you're in for a treat.  They're usually full of fellow bachelors, fun people and cheap or free alcohol.  The added benefit is watching people try to awkwardly hook up with strangers in a desperate attempt to feel human companionship before the day ends.  It's a lot like St. Patrick's Day parties only without the green vomit at the end of the night.

2.  Desperation
I'm not talking about you.  I'm talking about the myriad of desperate "singles" out there that are just begging to be with someone for the night.  Don't go out and be a stalker or a predator.  Fellow bachelors, that is just bad form.  Besides, if you wash up, dress well and can speak in complete sentences, chances are, someone will find you and approach you.  All you have to do is stand back and be cool.

3.  Special Deals
They're everywhere.  Theaters, bars, restaurants, museums, etc.  It's a great time to be a bachelor, especially if you're on a limited budget.  Go out to a restaurant and treat yourself.  Ask for a center table in the middle of the room if you can, that way you get a full view of the uncomfortable first dates, the arguments, the awkwardness of the whole spectacle.  Plus, if there's a couple really in love in the corner, it can be heartwarming...or it can be a free peep show, whatever you're into.

4.  The heartbreak
I know, this is going to sound horrible, and it's not like I sit around hoping for it to happen (well, sometimes I do, but that's only because I'm fairly bitter and cynical), but seriously, seeing the disappointment, the anger, the fear, the sadness of the couples on Valentine's Day is part of what makes me go, "Yeah, it's good to be a bachelor on Valentine's Day."  There's nothing more that I enjoy than a good fight between a couple in a public setting, particularly after the sixth glass of wine.  It can only be topped if someone starts throwing things, which I've seen and it's wonderful, truly fantastic.


5.  Friends
Valentine's Day is a great excuse to get dressed up and gather with a bunch of other bachelors (not a singles party) and go out.  You can drink, eat, laugh, tell stories; all without the pressure of being in a couple.  It's a time to appreciate being a bachelor and spending time with good friends of both sexes.  Really, in this sense, it should be called, "kick ass relationship day" because I see a lot of bachelors having way more fun than most couples, at one quarter the cost.

Suck it, couples!

There really is only one drawback to Valentine's Day, and that's the couples.  I have no problem with copules.  Some of my best friends are couples.  They have a right to exist, just religious people, or couples with children.  I suppose they serve a purpose.  What I don't like is the assumption they ALL make that I must be sad or depressed on Valentine's Day because I'm a bachelor. 

Couples can often be, even outside of Valentine's Day, disgusting to be around when they're so co-dependent they can barely be away from each other.  It's particularly awful on this holiday, because they're trying to set you up with a friend who "has a great personality" or say things like, "maybe next year you won't be alone" in some kind of condescending way that is supposed to make you feel better.

Here's a hint to any couple reading this.  Don't feel bad for your bachelor friends.  We feel bad for you, really.  Don't try to make us feel better or set us up.  We're just fine, thank you.  Go on about your business, spend your money, feel special.  Hey, it's your day, you deserve it.  But don't expect us to feel bad because we're not mired in a union of two people.

Oh, and a note to movie and tv executives.  Stop making stupid, mushy, poorly written and acted love movies based on shaky premises.  You're embarrassing yourselves and the fine "chick flick" genre.  There are only a handful of "When Harry Met Sally's" or "Love, Actually's" or "My Girl Friday's" or, well, you get the idea.  Make a good love story or just stop making them.

Now, I'm going to go to sleep, on my couch, by myself, in my brand new boxers covered in little red hearts.  I bought them for myself for Valentine's Day.  I'm just bummed they didn't make Snuggies with hearts on them.  Now THAT would have been awesome!

Women are Bachelors, too.

Okay, so, I've had some feedback on the few entries thus far, and so far, most of it seems to be positive.  Thank you.  Of course there are some who take issue with the entries so far, and to those folks, I give a big apology to.  I don't mean to offend, really I don't. 

Yes, I speak in generalizations.  I know that, you know that, if the shoe doesn't fit, it's just not meant for you, or directed towards you.  As I've stated before, and I'll probably have to say again over time; this is not a mysoginistic blog.  I in no way mean to denigrate women.  Certainly I focus this blog towards bachelors, and my relationship insight is based solely on my life experiences, as failed as they may be when it comes to relationships.  But, as they say, there are no mistakes, just learning experiences.  If my 40 years on Earth has taught me anything, it's that I've made a ton of mistakes and hopefully, I've learned from them.

Another odd blast I received was from some women claiming that I'm missing an entire portion of the demographic out there.  Namely the female bachelor.  At first I balked at this.  My upbringing and social training has taught me that bachelors are dudes.  Single guys, players, loners, metrosexuals, gay men, straight men, curious men.  The key word here has always been men.  But as I thought about it, it occurred to me that I was way, WAY off base.

Here is the Dictionary.com definition of a bachelor: 

bach⋅e⋅lor

 /ˈbætʃələr, ˈbætʃlər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [bach-uh-ler, bach-ler] Show IPA –noun

1.	an unmarried man.

I guess that pretty much sums it up, right?  Well, I say nay!  Why can't women be bachelors?  Back in the day, unmarried women were referred to as "spinsters" or hags.  That seems kind of harsh to me.  Besides being a bachelor is much more than just being an unmarried man.  It's a lifestyle, it's a way of thinking, it's how you live.  Being unmarried doesn't mean you're alone, or even single.  According to this definition, you can be in a committed five year relationship, and STILL be a bachelor.

This, frankly, is wrong.  If you're in a relationship, especially a long term one, you're really not a bachelor. 

Then there is the word "single".  I'm single.  But I'm also a bachelor.  I'm going to say something here that not everyone will like or agree with, but it's my definition, so...there. 

All bachelors are single.  Not all singles are bachelors.  Huh?  What's that you say?  Yes, I said it.  I mean it.  We all have those friends that are constantly bouncing from relationship to relationship.  Each one is the "right" one, until they're not, and then the friend moves on the next "right" one.  These are the ones constantly looking for the love of their life.  They always have an eye out for the perfect match, overlooking obvious flaws in their mates early on because of their desperate desire to be in a relationship.

These folks are defined by their relationships.  If they're not in a relationship, they feel lost, they are lonely and sad and don't function well.  I have some friends like this, both men and women fall into this category.  These are singles, not bachelors. 

You see, a bachelor is okay with being alone.  They're not willing to compromise, they don't spend their days pining away for the love of their life.  They're open to finding it, but they don't treat it like a shopping excursion.  Bachelors date, they enjoy relationships, but they're not defined by them. 

So, with all that in mind, it has become clear to me that the term bachelor should also include women.  Yes, women.  Why can't they be bachelors?  Sure, you might point to the above definition and say, "but...but...but...the DEFINITION!"  To which I say, forgetaboutit!

Let's do something bold, something fun, something crazy.  Let's make our own definition of bachelor.  It's fun for the whole family, you'll see.

Here is my new definition of bachelor:

bach⋅e⋅lor

 /ˈbætʃələr, ˈbætʃlər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [bach-uh-ler, bach-ler] Show IPA –noun



1.  An individual not involved in a relationship, not actively searching for a relationship, but open to romance and possibly marriage if the right individual comes along.  Someone who is not defined by a relationship and both values and appreciates time alone without a significant other.  Someone who has lived and lives by a set of values, likes, dislikes and habits defined by time outside of a relationship.

How's that?  I like it.  What I like about it is that it is all-encompassing.  It can include women as well as men.  And it, subtly, excludes singles.  Not that I don't like singles.  Like I said, I'm single.  But again, singles and bachelors are two different creatures.

The biggest differenc between singles and bachelors, though, are the final two sentences in my new definition.  I've already explained that bachelors are open to romance, but don't define themselves by a relationship and actively enjoys the time to themselves.  They don't need a significant other to have a rich, fulfilling life.  But it's the last sentence that I think really cuts to the heart of the matter.

At 40 years old, I have been out of relationships more than I've been in them.  I've certainly enjoyed my time in relationships, and when they've ended, it's been terribly painful.  But once I got back on my feet, I've enjoyed my time out of relationships as well.  I like the freedom, the lack of baggage the fact that if I don't want to put the toilet seat down, I don't have to.  Sometimes I leave it up on purpose, just because I can.

In fact, I've developed several habits of my own, created my own lifestyle that would be severely hampered if I was in a committed relationship.  I'm a slob, I admit it.  I'm unorganized, I make a mess when I cook and I don't always do the dishes right after dinner.  I leave my dirty clothes on the chair in my living room, I sleep on my couch more than I do my bed, I sleep with a fan on, I keep my apartment at 65 degrees year-round, I smoke indoors, I like my tv loud, my music louder and I stay out until the sunrise when I feel like it, without calling anyone. 

How do you think that would fly with a girlfriend?  Yeah, not very well.  Listen, I know I have bad habits, things I should change about myself, but I'm comfortable with my habits and my lifestyle.  And if I really thought I'd met Mrs. Right and not just Mrs. Right Now, I'd go to extraordinary lengths to change some things if I had to.  But right now, I don't have to.

Singles aren't comfortable with their lives, at least not as far as I can see, which is why they are always looking for something better, thinking they can find that in another relationship.  I know it sounds like I'm juding, and I guess I am in a way.  But I'm not trying to be harsh.  I've told my "single" friends that they should take time to just be alone.  Find themselves, become comfortable in their own skin.  Rarely do any of my friends listen to me, and that make me sad. 

Bachelors might actually be more equipped to be in a relationship than many "singles" because bachelors are comfortable with who they are.  According to all the zen philosophy and Dr. Phil theories and the tao of love and all that other blah blah, a person has to love themselves before they can be open to a real, honest, open and loving relationship.  Bachelors may not be in love with themselves, but they at least know who they are and they're okay with that. 

It's like Stuart Smalley says, "You're good enough, smart enough, and goshdarnit, people like you!"  So here's a salute to all the bachelors of the world, male and female.  Peope like you, but more importantly, you like yourself, and THAT'S what makes you a bachelor, and not just a "single".

10 things you need...

Soooo....I was watching the Superbowl, as millions of others did this past weekend.  I wound up at a friends place with a few friends, drank some beers, mixed drinks, shots, smoked some cigs on the balcony in the snow, laughed while watching the "Puppy Bowl" and Saturday Night Live sketches on the computer, judged the commercials and, at some point, actually watched some football.

Somewhere else in among all of that frenetic activity, I mentioned something that every man should have.  What, exactly, I said every man should have, slips my mind right now, as is often the case after an alcohol-fuled Sunday night of singing and laughing.  I'm positive that whatever it was I said was true, I just can't seem to remember it right now. 

Anyway, what I DO remember is my friend Meredith saying that I should add whatever it was I said to "The Bachelor Diaries".  And so, in deference to Mere, and because my little nugget of wisdom has gone aimlessly wandering off into the mists of time, I am listing the ten things every bachelor NEEDS to have. 

Certainly there are a lot of things a bachelor should have.  God knows there are a ton of things all bachelors want.  And I'm probably missing a few of the bachelor-necessary items on this list.  But I don't think I could fit everything into a single list.  So I took about five minutes, thinking hard between watching a Johnny Cash documentary on television, and came up with this rundown of 10 essential things you must have in order to be a successful bachelor.

Oh, and the term, "successful" can be debated all you want.  Is a successful bachelor the one that avoids any kind of meaningful romantic involvement?  Or is success defined by cross the line from being single to being in a committed relationship?  Also, and I probably should make this clear.  Hell, I probably should just do a whole entry on this little gem; there is a difference between being single and being a bachelor.  Yeah, the more I think about it, the next entry has to be about that differentiation.  In the meantime, here's the list.  They're not in any particular order.  I mean, it's not like number one is the MOST important and number 10 is least.  They're all important.  It just happens that I put them down in the order I thought of them.  Read into that what you will.  Read the list, let me know what you think.  Tell me if I've missed something.  Meanwhile, I'll be recovering from my hangover and eating cold leftovers. 

1.  A tuxedo - This kind of falls into another list I've always had, the "what every man needs to have" list.  When I was younger, my uncle told me that one of the things every man should have is his own tuxedo.  For some reason that stayed with me.  Somehow, many of the other life lessons passed on to me never took root, but that stuck with me.  It's especially important, I think for bachelors to have a tuxedo, I think, if nothing else but for shock value.  Think about it.  As a bachelor, you probably don't get chances to get dressed up very often.  When people do see you, you might not have shaved, your socks are in their third day of use and you're probably only wearing underwear if you just did laundry.  Don't make that face, I'm just telling the truth.  Every bachelor has reached a hand into a pile of clothes, picked it up and sniffed it and checked for stains right before tossing it on to go out in public.  Most of your female friends are probably used to seeing you in wrinkled shirts, scuffed shoes and messy hair.  So imagine their shock and awe when you waltz into an event sporting a freshly pressed and tailored tuxedo.  They'll gasp, they'll stare, they'll say witty things like, "gee, you sure clean up good", or "who are you and what did you do to (insert name here)."  Then, at some point between martinis, you casually mention that you own the tuxedo, it's not rented.  All you have to do then is sit back and watch the respect and wonder grow.  Follow that up by showing up to work the next day with a mustard stain on your shirt and flip flops and now you're a man of mystery, or an eccentric.  Whatever, either one is a cool image to have.

2.  A close female friend - Okay, I know I said that these weren't in order, and that none is more important than the others, but I lied.  This one is absolutely essential.  Every bachelor needs a close female friend, someone who they can confide in, someone who they can take as a last minute date, someone who can put up with their stupid pet tricks and someone they can get advice from.  Let's face it, we're bachelors because we don't know the first thing about women.  Who else knows women better than other women.  Your close female friend can give you dating advice, give you decorating help, or simply be the one person who can tell you when you're being an idiot.  I know this may sound like a girlfriend, but she's not.  This close female friend is someone who you might have sex with, but not someone you'd ever date.  And, come to think of it, having sex with this person would just complicate things, so most likely you never even think about having sex with this person.  She's one of those rare women who you respect like mother, love like a sibling, talk with like a buddy and when you say to others, "she's just a friend" you really mean it.  These women are hard to find because, honestly, as a bachelor, you want to have sex with most women you meet if they're even remotely attractive.  It's a tall order to find a close female friend, but you have to have one.  I've found in my travels, and by talking to other bachelors that ex's can work this role pretty well.  If you don't have an ex that you still speak to who can be this person for you, well, good luck.  Maybe find a friend, have sex with her then break it off just so you can then insert her into this role in your life.  Just a thought.

3.  A jersey of some sort - This item does a couple of things for you.  First, it shows the world, in clear bright colors, something you love.  When you walk down the street in a University of Denver hockey jersey, or a CU football jersey, you're telling people you are devoted to something, win or lose.  It can also help liven up your athletic image if you have one.  If you don't have an athletic bone in your body, a jersey can sometimes give others the impression that you not only enjoy, but might even participate, in some kind of athletic activity.  Hey, it couldn't hurt.  But the best part of a jersey is that it gives a woman something very sexy to wear the next morning.  There is nothing sexier, nothing bachelors love to see more, than a woman dressed only in a jersey or the large dress shirt.  I know it's cliche, but damn, it's hot. 

4.  A cookbook - This should be pretty obvious.  As bachelors we all eat our share of fast food and have our regular restaurants we go to.  But at some point, either because we're broke, or we just want to stay in at night, we have to cook for ourselves.  Why not at least be able to make something good to eat.  Why should bachelors suffer bad food just because they don't have someone to cook for them?  Plus, it can be fairly impressive when you show up to a party with some culinary delight you made yourself.  It's also a great date to invite her to your place and then cook for her.  Get a cookbook that also gives wine and mixed drink tips for meals. 

5.  A stocked bar - I have to admit that I fall a little short on this one.  Not because I don't drink...that's laughable.  I DO drink, I love to drink.  Nothing is more fun that going out and spending time with friends over drinks at a bar.  But I don't have a fully stocked bar.  I DO often have some kind of alcohol in my cupboards; usually a whiskey or bourbon for myself and vodka for the non brown-liquor drinking folk.  I'm not saying be an alcoholic, but every bachelor should have some alcohol, beer or liquor, along with some mixers (juice or cola), in their place in order to entertain guests.  Yes, you're a bachelor, but that doesn't mean you are a hermit.  Being a bachelor means you don't have to get permission to have guests over.  You can invite people over at any time.  Having some beer, or wine or liquor is like your "thank you" to them for coming by and keeping you from wasting another night alone.

6.  A maid service - This is another one where I've fallen a bit short lately.  When I was bringing in much larger, and regular, paychecks, I had a maid service.  It was great.  It cost about $100 a month for two visits a month, not including tip.  I don't think I need to explain why this one is important.  Bachelors, you know, I know, everyone who's ever dropped in on you uninvited knows, your bathroom is probably a mess, there are dishes in your sink that have been there for weeks and your floor is littered with crumbs of meals gone by.  A maid service keeps your place relatively kept up.  Plus it forces you to do your laundry at least once a month.  Trust me, spend the money.  It's worth it.  And  the next time you meet a woman and want to invite her up you won't have to make her wait in the hallway while you "tidy up" and wipe down your bathroom in haste.

7.  A good story...or two...or three - Being a bachelor means you're on your own.  I often meet couples where one or the other is as exciting as tofu.  This works because one of the two is usually interesting and talkative while their partner sits in a chair in the corner and randomly grunts, or just stands there looking bored and shifting their weight from side to side, sighing and checking their watch.  Bachelors don't have the luxury of being with someone more interesting than they are.  If you sit in a corner and don't talk, chances are, you'll never meet anyone, and, you'll probably stop being invited to parties and gatherings.  I'm not saying you have to be the life of the party.  But having an interesting story or two to tell helps enormously.  Make it funny or make it interesting, but just have one.  I think that's why artists always have hot girlfriends.  They may be real assholes, drug-addicted, dirty and maybe even an idiot, but they are interesting or funny and they tell great stories. 

8.  A guitar - You don't have to know how to play one, but it helps.  I have a guitar.  I don't know how to play it.  I can't even tune the damn thing.  But I keep telling myself I'll learn to play someday.  It doesn't really matter.  I know a lot of people who DO know how to play.  And when they come over, sometimes they play my guitar.  It also is a great conversation starter.  For some reason, people are fascinated by guitars and it never fails, when someone I don't know comes to my place, they see my guitar and we start talking.  But I'll admit, it would be way cooler if I actually knew how to play.

9 A hobby - By definition, a bachelor spends a lot of time alone when at home.  Some people handle being alone well.  Others don't.  I think a lot of bachelors do the "alone" thing pretty well.  But even the most diehard of us bachelors enjoy the company of others.  A lot of us are social creatures by nature.  A hobby gets you out of your mancave and out into the world where you can meet new people, learn new things, experience life.  And I'm not talking about work here.  Certainly work exposes you to other people, but unless your job is something you love, you probably don't enjoy your coworkers all that much.  I used to fence when I was younger.  Now I do improv.  I've met some wonderful and amazing people through my hobbies, whether it was fencing, softball, improv or my love of ancient history.  Plus, if you have a hobby, if and when you finally DO get a relationship, it will give you something to do so you won't spend every waking moment thinking about the relationship, driving yourself crazy, end up smothering them with attention and eventually sabotaging the relationship.  See, hobbies are a good thing.

10.  A good couch - Now, I know some of you are saying, "What are you talking about?"  But hear me out.  There is no more important piece of furniture for a bachelor than a good couch.  It has to be long enough to lay completely out in.  It has to be wide enough for two people to be able to lie down in or cuddle up in while watching a movie.  It has to sit at LEAST four people comfortably and it needs to be comfy.  Oh, it also should be able to withstand pets, and stains and rough treatment.  A good couch is a place for friends to crash and doubles as a bed for those nights when you're just too tired to get up and walk to your bedroom.  I know everyone always gathers in the kitchen during parties, but at some point, they always end up on the couch.  This is another area where investing a little money to make sure you get something cool is well worth it.

So, there you have it.  Ten things every bachelor needs to have.  I left off things like, a cool dog, or, an iPhone, because, while those things are, undisputably awesome, they're not really necessary.  Maybe I should put together a list of things bachelors probably shouldn't have.  Things like one or more cats, shag carpet or a bed full of stuffed animals. 

As usual, let me know what you think.  Feel free to let me know if I missed anything, or add to the list.  Next up, I really think I'll give you a test to see if you're really a bachelor, or just single.  Much fun!  Can't wait!  blah blah blah.  I'm going back to the Johnny Cash documentary.