The ManDate!

Okay, it's discussion time here at "The Bachelor Diaries".  Last week was a little like the "good old days" for me a bit.  I was out nearly every week, enjoying the company of friends, doing a lot of laughing, imbibing on some cheap, but tasty, drinks. 

I had truly considered staying in a few of those night, but life has a way of rearing its ugly, or in this case, inebriated, head sometimes.  Not to say I regret it, I don't.  It was really awesome spending time with friends, particularly those I hadn't had a chance to hang out with for a while.  In a couple of cases, I also ended up having drinks with some friends who I'm still really just getting to know.  One of these instances occurred last Thursday. 

A buddy of mine texted me on Thursday and asked if I was interested in grabbing a drink.  I, of course, said yes.  I told him I was heading down to the Broker for a drink and I'd meet him there. 

By the way, if you live in Denver, or if you're ever in town for any reason, make a point to stop by the Broker if you have time.  They have a great prime rib and the restaurant is set in an old bank safe.  Seriously, you can eat inside the safe that's been renovated.  It's a longtime Denver icon.  But what really sets the place apart is their happy hour. 

There was a time in Denver when "McCormick's" had the best happy hour deal in town.  They offered cheap beers and decent food at bargain prices.  The problem was, you could only get the deals betwen 5pm and 7pm, and again from 11pm to close (around 1am).  Not at the Broker, though.  They have really cheap drinks, seved strong, by the way, and for five bucks you can get enormous meals.  Their shrimp bowl alone is worth the trip.  It's no wonder why The Broker is quickly becoming one of my favorite watering holes.  Of course it doesn't hurt that it's only about five blocks away from my apartment, so, totally within stumbling distance.

By the way, I don't work for The Broker, and I'm not being paid for this endorsement (there, government, happy now?)  ANYway...back to the original intent of the story.  I was at the bar having a martini when my buddy walks in.  There were some cute girls nearby, the rest of the bar was essentially empty, the bartender recognized me and was attentive.  It was a good scene, even if the Rockies WERE losing on the lone TV in the place. 

We had a couple of drinks, chatted about various things from music to shows to work, to his upcoming wedding.  Within about 20 minutes, a group of folks wandered in and took a table behind us.  It didn't take long before my buddy and I made our way over to the table and joined in.  As I introduced my buddy to some of the folks at the table who didn't know him, I took a seat and was faced immediately with this question:

"So, are you guys on a man-date?"

Now, you can imagine my surprise at this question, as, up until that exact moment in my life, I'd never heard of, "a man-date".  It's been over month since I'd been on a real date.  You know, the kind of date a bachelor goes on, with a woman and such.  I simply sat there for a second, not exactly sure how to respond, stunned by the audacity of the question.

When I finally responded, my answer was something like, "What the hell did you just ask?"  Followed pretty quickly by, "What the HELL is a man-date?!?!"

I was told in no uncertain terms that a man-date was when two men get to together socially over drinks, or dinner, to spend time together.  I was skeptical.  It just didn't sound right.  I'm not getting into any homophobic areas here.  I'm just saying that I have a pretty good idea what constitutes a date, and two straight guys hanging out doesn't really fit that definition.

So I went looking for some clarity.  I consulted the dictionary.  Of course, even though the word "Bromance" might be a listed word now, "man-date" still isn't.  I did, however find some interesting definitions in the one place where you would expect to find a slang term used to describe an outing by two dudes; the Urban Dictionary.  There are currently five definitions in the Urban Dictionary for "man-date."  Click here to read them all.

As you can see, the last definition kind of supports my theory.  Another basically defines a "gay man-date" and a third definition is kind of vague.  The first definition, though logically makes sense.  So, after my foray onto the interwebs, I'm basically as confused as I was when I started.

What is a date:

I suppose there can be as many definitions for a "date" as there are different kinds of relationships.  But for me, a date must consist of the following things:

1.  A man
2.  A woman
3.  Romantic intent
4.  Pre-planning to move the relationship further along, romantically
5.  Hopefully sex

Yes, I'm a pig, that was determined a long time ago...let's move on.  Now, if two men are romantically interested in each other, then you can just change number two to man and be good with it.  But for ME, number two has to be a woman.  There's nothing wrong with that...it's how I was born.  I have very good gay friends who regularly date members of the same sex, which I guess is a given, since they're gay.  Again, nothing wrong with that.  I'm just using my definition here.

Now, if I get together with a buddy, whether it's a male or a female, and numbers three through five aren't present, then it's not a date. In fact, this exact scenario happened on Friday night.  I was out for a drink with a female friend after spending time hanging out with another very close friend that we hadn't been able to spend time with for a while.  This woman happens to be perhaps my best friend, someone who I am very close to.  We were out having beers together, just the two of us. 

In some definitions, we might have been on a date.  But that's obviously not how I defined it.  Neither did she.  When I pointed it out, and asked her, "Hey, we're out together, just the two of us, having drinks socially...are WE on a date?"  Her answer was no.  To which I agreed.

I was enjoying my time with her, catching up, talking, laughing and having a beer.  If THAT wasn't a date, why then was the time I spent with my male buddy a man-date? 

You can see how I'm confused, right?  In both cases, I was just hanging out with a friend in a public place.  See definition number three...basically two buds sharing a beer.  NOT a date.  There was no romantic intent in either scenario, no furthering of the relationship romantically, and no getting laid by anyone involved in the two instances. 

So you can see why I so vigorously deny the concept of the "man-date."  It's not homophobia, it's really just an effort to keep the purity of the idea of a "date" intact.  In my opinion, there has to be romantic intent involved in order to be considered a date.

A New Definition:

There was ONE argument that logically made sense to me, so I feel compelled to reveal it.  One of the folks at the table Thursday night explained a "date" as a coming together of two people in an effort to get to know each other better and further the relationship on some level. 

I thought about this for a second and I had to admit that, while goes against my exact definition of a date, there is something that makes sense about it.  I suppose that there could be a case made that a date is really just an opportunity to get to know another person better. 

As bachelors we do this a lot.  We will see a woman that we might be attracted to and ask her out to get to know her better and see if a romance could develop.  I STILL believe there has to be an element of romance involved in order to be classified as a true "date", but if you take this definition at face value, then there could be a case made for the "man-date" as well.

The Result:

So in the end, I'm still left a little puzzled.  I mean, I get the idea of the "Bromance" and the "Man-crush".  These aren't romantic terms.  These are situations where one guy really respects another guy for his abilities as an athlete, or performer or as a bachelor.  A man can have a "bromance" and a "mancrush" and not have any romantic intentions.  That's why it's so easy for a bachelor to say, "I love you, man!"  But when it comes time to tell that special woman that you love her, well, it can feel like your innards are purging and you're coming down with the flu. 

Saying "I love you, man" is harmless, it carries no consequences.  Saying "I love you" to a woman chock full of consequence.  It's just a short step away from three screaming kids, driving a mini-van and living in the suburbs. 

So if the "bromance" and the "man-crush" aren't the same as a romance or a real "crush" then why would a man-date be the same as a real date?  The answer, it's not.  You can go ahead and use the word man-date if you want.  I probably won't. 

Hey, that doesn't mean I'll stop hanging out with my buddies, either.  I like spending time with my friends.  And the fact is, the time I spend with my friends is often WAY better than most of my dates. 

But what do you think?  Does the "man-date" really exist?  Is it a term that you would use to describe two buddies getting together for a beer or two?  What do you call it when a male and female who are just friends get together to do the same thing?  I'm curious, because, as always, I may be way off in my perception and definition.

Get back to me with your thoughts.  Set me straight, give me a digital high-five if you agree or a technical thumbs down if you think I'm off base.  I look forward to your responses.  And never fear, I'll be back with another riveting entry on the Bachelor Diaries very soon.  Until then...see ya.  I gots a man-date....errrr...drinks to get to.

The Gift of Giving!

I really need to start writing my ideas down.  I was so excited with my last entry, and I had a handfull of great entry ideas to follow it up with.  Then life kind of got in the way and by the time I got back in front of the blog, I had forgotten all of them.  Yep, every single one.

So, I did what every intrepid writer and reporter would do, I went out looking for a topic to write about.  And by that, I mean, I asked a few women what upsets them most about men while having a few drinks at the local watering hole.  Sure, it's not a scientific method, but I know a good topic when I hear one, and I've got a good one for you today.

Hey, guess where she's thinking about putting that roller?

In fact, it's SOOO good, I'm shocked that it never occurred to me.  But, then again, I'm a bachelor, so it makes sense that I never would have guessed that gift giving is among the things that really piss women off about men. 

In a way, this kind of makes no sense...at least to a bachelor.  I mean, women LOVE getting gifts, right?  They like shiny baubles and trinkets, right?  And ultimately, it's the thought that counts, RIGHT?  Well, my fellow bachelors, apparently not.

My conversation about gift-giving was actually pretty fascinating.  I sat and listened as a couple of the women involved complained about the myriad of gifts they've received over the years that simply weren't adequate.  Not only were they not adequate, they were downright, well, offensive.  After about five minutes of listening to these women hammer my gender for their clear lack of gift-giving knowledge, I finally had to stand up and ask the question every bachelor has wondered about over the years.

"What the hell do you want?" I asked.

The answer to that was a little less forthcoming.  But, never fear, bachelor brethren!  I did manage to glean some information from the stories told and the expressed frustrations.  So sit back, buckle up, because what I'm about to tell  you is going to be a little difficult to stomach for some of you, but you have to hear it.  It's for your own good, trust me.

Start Slow:

First, we have to start at the beginning.  You know, when you're still really infatuated with them and before all those little annoying things they do start to get, you know, really annoying.  It's the time in a relationship where you still care about what they say, how their day went, what kind of dress they really like to wear.  At this point, you're in tune with their likes and dislikes...for the most part anyway.  But none of that matters, because we're trying to woo them.  Or at the very least, try to woo them enough to sleep with you.

So you lavish them with the traditional gifts.  Things like jewelry and flowers and nights out on the town.  You buy them all the traditional trappings of a courtship.  No matter what any woman says, they LIKE getting things like Jewelry and flowers and nights out on the town.  Of course, you could give chocolate, and many women like chocolate, but some don't; so that's where the listening part comes in.  But we'll get to that in a minute.

Before we get there, though, we have to cover an important fact about the initial gift-giving stage.  You have to walk a fine line.  Oh, and life is NOT like the movies.  In some movies, the guy gets really romantic and buys one-thousand roses and fills up her office and she gets all mushy and they get married and buy a dog and move to the 'burbs and live happily ever after.  Here's a fact: There is such a thing as too much.

When I was in college, I had a good friend dating a man that she liked well enough.  It wasn't anything serious, at least to her.  But he was head over heels.  She was already teetering on the edge of staying with him or breaking up.  He had already given her an incredibly expensive necklace and had flown her out to New York for a Spring Break holiday.  To her, it had seemed like a little too much, a little too soon.

Now, he wasn't a stupid guy.  He could sense that she was having doubts about the relationship.  But instead of backing off a bit, he completely went the other way.  He bought one-thousand roses and had them delivered to her house.  Not only was she not overcome with gushiness when she got home, she was downright P.O'd.  Needless to say, they broke up the next day.  He was crushed.  He just couldn't imagine how a thousand roses didn't make her fall immediately in love with him.

Certainly that's just an anecdotal story, but that story really says everything you need to know about giving gifts early on in a relationship.  Basically, don't give too much too soon, you'll scare her away, and even if you manage to give great gifts that she absolutely loves early on, you'll still be in trouble because, a) she'll expect you to keep giving her those kinds of gifts.  Or b) she'll tire of those generic gifts and want something more personal.

More often than not, it will be a combination of the two.  She'll still expect you to give her the occasional necklace or bracelet or earrings.  But she'll also want gifts that are more personal than just a box of chocolates or shiny things. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you to go out and give a gift certificate to Wal-Mart early on the relationship.  I mean, sure, it's a great way to lower expectations, and if she really likes you, she'll stick with you, but it's pretty much guaranteed she'll bitch about it to her girlfriends and they'll all hate you and eventually, when you DO break up, you just KNOW that the Wal-Mart certificate will come flying back in your face at some point.  Plus there's the fact that if you're buying anyone a Wal-Mart gift certificate you should be locked away forever and never allowed to socialize with normal people again.

Go ahead and buy a nice necklace, or buy a dozen roses.  Just don't go overboard.  Remember, one of the best things about being a bachelor is being allowed, no, EXPECTED, to be somewhat aloof at times.  You're a bachelor, you're not in touch with your feelings, you're a bit boorish, you're a guy, so it's expected that you'll give crappy gifts.  So if you surprise her every now and then with something really cool like an expensive tennis bracelet or sparkling earrings, she'll be happy you just remembered her birthday or the anniversary, or her promotion at work. 

Catch Her Fancy:

Now, if you somehow manage to get past the initial stages of the relationship and you've managed to give a few quality gifts, you might think you're in the clear.  Not so fast, buddy.  In reality, your work has just begun.  Because now, she won't be satisfied with the impersonal gifts, the kinds of gifts that every other woman gets.  NOW she's going to want something much more personal.  Something that has sentimental value to her.  And in order to give a gift that fits that criteria, you're going to have to...GULP....listen to her.

Yes, I know, that's hard for a lot of you out there.  But follow along, it's not as hard as it sounds.  Okay, I lied, it CAN be hard, but, you know, if you really like her, you'll take the hit. 

Here's why it's so hard:  Many times the things that she wants the most will be said in passing over dinner, or during a conversation while smoking a cigarette, or while driving in the car as you're trying to listen to the football game.  A lot of times she'll make comments about things she likes or loves or wants while she's out shopping.  Of course, this means you actually have to be out shopping with her.  But that's not such a bad thing.  You don't have to do it very often, once, maybe twice.  A good woman doesn't expect her man to go shopping with her very often (are you listening, ladies?).  So if you agree to go once or twice, she'll take advantage of it by dropping hints about things she likes or wants.

And let's be clear here, you're really going to have to pay attention.  She'll say she likes that particular coffee table or that neat watch or that bedspread.  But the things that she really likes she'll say different things.  Things like, "Wouldnt' this look great in our place?" even though you don't live together.  Or, "I've always wanted one of those, ever since I was a little girl."  Or, "Man, I can't tell you how long I've dreamed about wearing a pair of those when we go out." 

You see a pattern?  The things she wants are things that matter to her, not because she just likes them, but because they are an affirmation of your relationship.  They mean more than just getting something that is nice.  It has to be a gift that says, "I listened to you, honey, and I give you this to let you know that I love you and with it I affirm how much I love you." 

See, you give a guy a cool gift and the guy hears, "Hey, I thought you'd like this, so...knock yourself out."  Women hear a completey different message. 

Here's another anecdotal story to illustrate my point:

One of my very best friends in the world happened to be there during the conversation and told me about a time when she knew exactly what her boyfriend was going to give her.  She said she knew her boyfriend was getting her boots, but not the exact kind of boots she was hoping for.  Now, of course, she was absolutely thrilled that he got her boots.  She loves boots and, hey, he WAS listening...he got her boots.  And she DOES still wear them, because they were nice boots.  But they weren't the exact kind of boots she had mentioned she wanted. 

Because she's a really cool chick, she didn't get mad, or angry or upset.  She was very happy with the boots.  But, because she knew her boyfriend at the time so well, she knew what she was getting long before she ever opened the gift.  Most other women would have been upset that they didn't get the right kind of boots because the guy wasn't listening.  Fortunately, she's not like that, but your girlfriend might be, so beware.  You have very little room for error with most women.

Avoid The Traps:

It's a great thing to give a gift and say something like, "I saw this and I immediately thought of you," and then she opens it to find a hand-carved wooden sculpture of an elephant.  Now, she may like elephants, and it might be a very expensive work of art.  But all she's going to hear is, "I think you're an elephant...Merry Christmas!"

You have to be very, VERY careful when giving a gift because it reminded you of her.  What might seem romantic or innocent to you can deliver a very harsh message to her if you're not careful.  And guys, I get it.  You want to be unique, you want to be original, you want to really surprise her.  But more often than not, that's just going to get you in trouble.

Of course, the more time you spend with a woman, the more you get to know her.  This means you know her likes and dislikes.  Again, avoid this trap.  If your girlfriend is a huge Journey fan, giving her a gift of a fully framed, autographed picture of the band onstage is cool, really cool.  If you follow that up the next year with a pair of tickets to L.A. to see the band live, well, that's cool too.  If you follow THAT up with another Journey-oriented present...well, she's probably going to be pissed.  You might think you're playing into her likes, but to her, you're focusing in on the one thing that you know she likes and she'll start to question how much you really know about her.

Years ago, I dated a woman from work and we worked closely together every day.  We talked all the time.  Then, about four months into the "relationship" we were going up to a cabin to spend a ski weekend together.  It was her birthday, and I had made her a CD of music she liked.  We had dinner on the way up and I gave her her CD.  She loved it.  We listened to it on the way up to the cabin.  We sang along, everything seemed fine.  Right before we got to the cabin, we stopped off at a liquor store in town.  The store was playing Van Morrisson's "Into The Mystic."  I love that song, and I love Van Morrisson. 

When we got back into the car, I mentioned how much I loved that song.  She replied, "well, didn't you put any Van Morrisson on the CD?"  I, of course, hadn't.  She then immediately proceeded to tell me that SHE loved Van Morrisson, and that "Into The Mystic" was one of her all-time favorite songs.  She then told me I should know that since she said that to me during our first date.  The rest of the weekend went downhill from there.

As you can see, gift-giving is tricky.  Here is a short list of things you never EVER want to give a woman as a gift:

1.  clothes - You'll probably get the size wrong, the color wrong, the style wrong.  Avoid giving clothes at all costs.


2.  Kitchen items - If you give her a blender, she has the right, under the law, to beat you with it.  It's true.


3.  Items for the car -  The only exception to this rule is if you actually give her a car to go with the other items.


4.  Games - Video or otherwise.  She's going to think, and rightly so, that you're really giving her the present so you can play with it later.


5.  Anything educational - You might as well give her a card that says, "You're a dumbass, but at least you're hot, happy birthday!"

Tips for the ladies:

Finally, as I wrap this up, I have to turn my attention to the ladies in the audience.  Ladies, and you know who you are, give your man a break.  Sure, you're allowed to bitch a little and complain to your girlfriend when your man gives you the DVD of "Die Hard With A Vengance" for your anniversary.  But realize that you're dealing with a guy, who, more often than not, thinks, "Hey, I like it, she'll like it, too."  Maybe he's just trying to share with you some of his more personal likes.

Realize that if a guy is giving you a gift, they really care about you.  It might not be the exact present you were hoping for, but he thought enough of you to actually go out and buy you something.  Like the cat that leaves a dead bird on your doorstep, the guy derives some joy from giving you a present that he thinks will make you happy. 

Oh, and if a guy you're NOT dating gives you the perfect gift, he wants to date you.  Trust me.  A guy doesn't listen or pay attention that closely to a woman they have no interest in.  If you mentioned in passing that you have always wanted an original, vintage-style Lite Brite, because it reminds you of better times, and then a "friend" gives you an original, vintage-style Lite Brite, then you can pretty much be assured that he wants to date you.  I'm just sayin'. 

In the end, be happy that you're with a guy that cares enough to actually get you a present.  Most of us aren't artsy OR crafty.  As much as we'd LIKE to present you with a scrapbook of photo memories of the last trip to Venice, or paint you a picture, or buy you the perfect gift, the fact is we're probably going to get it wrong. 

Just open your present, smile and be thankful that he cared enough to try.  Then take the receipt and get what you really wanted.  And when it comes to buying your man a present, know that you're in a much better position.  We like things that make noises, explode or jiggle. 

Until next time, I'm your friendly neighborhood bachelor, saying goodnight.  Oh, and if you have any bachelor related questions, or something you'd like me to write about, please feel free to drop me a line here or at cdgallegos01@earthlink.net, or leave a response and I'll get right to it, I promise.  Consider it my present to you.