I call these constants the "Bachelor Laws". Of course these laws will differ slightly from bachelor to bachelor, and in different regions and probably different countries. But for the most part, these are the rules that we bachelors follow, whether we want to or not...it's instinct.
"Well you can tell by the way I use my walk..." Eh, dancing sucks!
They aren't complicated, and even women, if they've ever spent any time around bachelors, are aware of them. Here are a few to get acquainted with:
1. You never cry at a sad movie in public...unless you're with a woman and you want to show your "softer" side so you can score later.Not That There's Anything WRONG With That...
2. The man always pays on the first date.
3. Slapstick is funny, explosions are cool, ninjas are awesome. (a note here, it's not essential that bachelors like the Three Stooges, but they DO have to like one of the following movies or their bachelor card is revoked; The Blues Brothers, Caddyshack, Spinal Tap, Airplane or Animal House).
4. Drinking is an acceptable form of recovery from a breakup.
5. Porn is a basic fundamental right.
6. You are required to punch Kenny G square in the face if you ever see him in person.
7. Ogling is okay as long as you don't say things like, "hubba hubba" or "Holy Crap, would you look at those things!"
8. Never be afraid to make the first move.
9. You can enjoy the opera and gardening as long as you also enjoy boxing and/or football.
10. No bachelor "enjoys" dancing, it's merely a way to hook up with a woman.
These are simply a handful of the laws that govern the actions of bachelors. There are a lot more, rules that deal with cooking, working out, dating, fighting, etc. But for a moment, I'd like to focus on the last of the ten rules I posted above. You know, the one about dancing.
I get a lot of flack for my take on dancing. However, I don't think I'm off base on this. I have known a lot of guys in my time. Guys who are graceful, tall, slender, fat and short. These are guys from all walks of life and different backgrounds and the one thing I can honestly say we have all had in common is out general dislike for dancing. Don't get me wrong, it's not that we hate dancing in general. I mean, we'll sit and watch a ballet, or we'll watch women bounce and jiggle all over the floor. It's just that if presented with a variety of activity options for the night, we will almost never willingly choose to go dancing.
I know, I know, "But Chris," you say, "I know a ton of guys who LOVE to dance." I don't doubt that you do. And for the most part I can put these men into one of two categories. One group of dancing men are the exceptions that prove the rule. The other group of men are gay.
Listen, there's nothing wrong with being gay. But for the most part, men who really like dancing are, well...gay. Yes, there are those cowboys who like to line dance...that isn't dancing, though, it's more like organized group activity. Like water aerobics on dry land. There are those ballet dancers, the ones who wear the really tight leotards that just happens to highlight their package in a way nature never intended. I'm not sure those guys are gay, they probably just like dancing with hot chicks and getting paid for it.
Anyway, the point is, I don't enjoy dancing, never have. And I'm actually a graceful fella. I CAN dance, if I have to. I can do the salsa and I'm a particularly good slow dancer. But by and large when I'm in an environment that involves dancing, I'm the one standing at the bar watching everyone else get sweaty.
My Dancing Disaster:
I did once actually recommend dancing as part of a date years and years ago. I was just out of college and a woman I'd known for some time hooked up with me at a house party. The following weekend, I asked if she wanted to go dancing. Now, I did this for two reasons. 1.) I knew she liked to dance and I wanted to take her someplace I thought she'd enjoy. 2.) She also enjoyed country music so I asked her to the Grizzly Rose, a big country bar just outside of Denver.
Now, the Rose has a live band of some sort just about every night and a huge dance floor right in front of the stage that is fenced off like some kind of corral. I don't like country music, and I can't two-step. So you can imagine how I had to psych myself up for the evening. Still, it was for her and I wanted her to be happy. We showed up at the place around 10pm on a Thursday night. There was a live band playing all sorts of twangy country tunes, some original, some covers.
She knew how to two-step, I already mentioned I didn't know how. She was cool about it and danced with a couple of guys before insisting I get out there and take a lesson from her. I did and, in reality, the two-step isn't a particularly difficult dance, I mean, it's really just two steps, shuffle shuffle, move. The music is simple, I picked it up pretty quick.
That's when disaster struck. There were about 15 couples on the floor at the time, all moving around in a circle, which is apparently what you do when you do the two step. It reminded me of a big barn dance. We were going around as easy as could be, talking a little, laughing a lot, when my date decided to up the ante a bit. Without saying a word, she pushed me away and said, "now it gets fun!"
I wasn't ready, not ready at all, for anything out of the ordinary and it caught me off guard. She grabbed my right arm, put her hand on my waist and spun me around. She did it so fast, I didn't have time to react. In an instant, she had thrown me out, spun me and brought me back in, all while not missing a beat in the two step dance. Well, that seems pretty simple, I thought to myself. So as we rounded the bend, she asked if I wanted to give it a try. Of course I did. I wanted to show her I was the man, I could lead, I could dance her silly little two step and do flips and twists, dammit.
The next moment happened in slow motion, like one of those movies where the hero gets shot and time suddenly stands still and you helplessly watch as the bullet enters the chest and papers and blood fly everwhere while someone just off camera yells, "Noooooooooo!"
yeah, it was just like that. I grabbed her at the waist and flung her out in front of me, still holding on to her right hand. And then it happened. My feet somehow got crossed and when I started to pull her back in, I lost my balance. I started to fall, but I didn't want to drag her down with me, so I took my left arm and pushed her aside, which didn't help, because she got caught up in my legs and toppled herself.
As I fell backwards, and she fell off to my right, an elderly couple just kept dancing towards me. Because my hands were occupied as I fell, I couldn't break my fall and I fell squarely on my ass, my momentum carrying me backwards. I knew if I didn't try to stop my movement, or gain control of it at least, my head was going to slam into the floor, so I raised my legs to try and do a reverse tumble roll. Sadly, as I kicked my legs up to help me roll over backwards, the elderly couple finally saw what was happening in front of them.
I remember the look on the elderly woman's face, a mixture of horror and confusion as her mind put all the pieces together. They were too close to get out of the way, and their reflexes too slow to save them from getting hit...hard.
I did roll over, but as my head whipped up, it hit the elderly man smack dab in the gut. I heard an "oomph!" as he double over. The woman refused to let go of her man and got dragged backwards as my momentum took us all about five steps in reverse. I couldnt' see what was happening behind me, I could only feel it. I knew I hit the man hard and I could hear the woman scream a little as they crumpled into a heap, my body landing right on top of both of them. Then there was another set of legs all tangled up with us. A woman's show hit my head, a foot nailed me in the ribs and suddenly there were two bodies lying on top of me.
We apparently had been flung so far back, we hit the couple behind the elderly couple, who, again, just didn't see the disaster coming. In the aftermath, I envisioned a giant car crash on the freeway, where the semi-truck jacknifes and wipes out about ten cars and all that's left is wreckage and engine fluids and steam rising from the rubble. For a second I thought I heard the requiem from Full Metal Jacket playing in the background.
There was groaning and my side hurt, as did my butt. I got the couple off of me and then rolled over so I could get off the couple I had destroyed. By that time, my date and a few other folks had come over to give us all a hand. And then I saw it. There was a pool of blood on the floor. To be fair, there was blood kind of everywhere. It turns out the old man had tried to stop his fall and put his hand out. He promptly broke his wrist and his face hit the floor. Amy had tripped and hit her head on the stupid fence that ran along the outside of the dance floor and when my head hit the man, I cut my scalp on the dudes oversized belt buckle. It looked like a MASH unit.
I apologized to the dazed couple and to my date and to anyone within earshot of my voice. I couldn't have felt worse. Frankly, I was truly just glad that no one died. Seriously, I nearly killed an old man while doing the two step at the Grizzly Rose. I vowed from that day forward I would never dance again...or at the very least, never do the two step again at the Rose.
Dancing For My Art:
I bring this up because one of the ways a bachelor can catch the attention of a woman he's attracted to is dance. Like it or not, being able to dance is a sure fire way to meet a woman. If a bachelor can dance, he can always go up and ask a woman out on the floor. Plus, dancing IS a great way to break the ice. Let's face it, dancing is sexual in nature. Men will dance only because sex might be involved. Women dance because they actually like it. I never understood that, I never will, but them's the rules and I follow them because it's the law.
I also mention this because I'm in an improv group that sings. We improvise musicals on the spot. This means the characters, the plot, the music, the lyrics, all made up on the spot. Another element of musicals is dancing. We've been working, as a group, on dancing and getting better; and we have. But I'm pretty much the weak link when it comes to the dancing part, so I'm trying to get better at it.
Last Sunday we rehearsed on the 16th Street Mall because we didn't have a keyboard available to us in the club, but there are a bunch of pianos just sitting on the mall for people to play if they want to (Don't ask me, it's part of the city's summer art program). We were out there, with our pianist, grabbing people as they walked by and asking them for suggestions for songs. Then we'd stand around and just sing for them. It turned out to be a great way to promote our upcoming show, but at one point I couldn't help but think how cool it would be if we also did a little dance to go along with our song. How impressed would people be then, right?
But for the moment, we'll have to stick with the songs, at least until we get better at dancing as a group, or until I can do it without significantly injuring someone. So cross your fingers as I attempt to improve my dancing abilities. Hopefully no one dies and even though I won't enjoy it, I know it's for the good of the group, which is more important.
I'll keep you updated. Until then, stay cool my bachelor and bachelorette friends. Next entry will be after the Fourth Of July and will update the parties I'm attending. Should be fun!
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