Tonight I want to talk about the weather. No, not in a Gilbert and Sullivan sing-songy way, but in a way that actually impacts bachelors.
First off, I have confession. I hate Summer. really I do. Maybe it's because I'm a big guy and big guys don't do well in the heat. But even when I was younger and in shape, you know, where I actually didn't mind taking off my shirt in public, I hated Summer. It's just too damn hot. I mean, in the winter, when it's cold, you can always put on more layers and clothes to keep warm. But when it's 100 degrees outside and the sun is beating down on you like a hammer on an anvil, there's really not much you can do about it. Seriously, you can only take off so many clothes, especially in public.
And the thing about the heat is, even if you took off all your clothes and ran naked down the street, you'll just be naked and hot. And most likely, you'll just get arrested, where you end up naked in a jail cell next to a big guy named Bubba, and that's never a good thing.
But there is ONE good thing about Summer, and that's short skirts. I'm not talking about skirts that hover somewhere just above the knee. That's pretty sexy, but for this post, I'm talking about the little black dress that hikes WAY up near the nether-regions showing off so much leg that you could swear the woman is wearing basically a negligee and nothing else.
Here's another confession, in case you didn't already know. I'm a leg man. I love legs. All kinds of legs. A woman in a skirt is perhaps the sexiest thing in the world to me. So when the weather turns warm and the evening temps linger around 70 or 75 degrees, I feel a lot like kid in a candy store. Because that's when women decide that it's a good idea to wear skirts that are so short you can actually hear the chorus of, "Halleluja" when they bend over.
As I sit here, it's 2am and I've just spent some time wandering the streets of downtown Denver as the bars were closing and drunk women of all sizes and shapes were stumbling out of bars, uttering that most pleasant of phrases to a bachelor's ears, "I"m SOOOO drunk...".
But what surprised me the most wasn't that nearly all of these women were wearing skirts that looked like they were made for women half their size, but that they were almost all wearing EXACTLY the same dress. I'm not kidding...it was as if ROSS had a sale on the same dress and every woman in the Metro-area decided to go buy it and wear it out on the same night.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's just that when EVERY woman tripping around the streets of downtown looks like a hooker, the thrill kind of wears off pretty quickly. And that kind of bums me out. I mean, I should be thrilled at the fact that so much leg is showing everywhere I turn. But when all the women look exactly alike, short, once-piece skirt with black pumps, it stops being sexy and actually gets a little boring.
Case in point:
As I was walking home tonight, I saw (and I counted) 17 women wearing pretty much the same outfit. Certainly, most of them were attractive enough and most of them could pull off the look with ease. I kind of ogled the first few I saw from afar, in a creepy, "I want to lock you up in my basement" kind of way. But then the next few had less of an impact on me and by the time I was walking into my apartment complex, I barely noticed the gaggle of drunk girls twisting their ankles as they attempted to walk to...well...wherever it was they were walking to under the influence of copious amounts of margaritas and vodka drinks.
They were giggly, and stumble-ee, and leaning on each other as if the laws of gravity had somehow strengthened and they were battling the urge to instantly collapse to the street in a messy sorority girl pile.
Listen, I'm not saying I wouldn't have easily gone out of my way to talk to any of these girls if given the chance. But looking as they were, I might have felt the urge to pull out a $20 and pay them for the time they spent with me. I'm not saying that looking like a hooker is a bad thing. In fact, I encourage all attractive women to go "hooker" whenever they feel the urge. But I want to pass along the following bit of information in the hopes that some women might take it to heart.
Be Different...Be You!
As I was standing at the corner across the street from my complex, waiting for the cars to pass by, I noticed the aforementioned group of drunk girls weaving their way across the street. Most of them were attractive enough. But it was what I saw trailing just behind them that really caught my eye.
About ten paces behind the slut parade walked a single woman. She looked cool, dressed in a puffy 1950's style skirt that billowed out just above the knees and a light, form-fitted blouse. She wore the "Mary Jane" type of shoes that men just go crazy over, and her auburn hair was loose and long, flowing over her shoulders in a devil-may-care sort of way.
And while she wasn't showing as much leg as the hooker hotties walking in front of her, she demanded much more attention, at least from me, as the other girls. Perhaps it was because the walked with confidence. Maybe it was because she had an air or mystery about her, with they way she clutched her tiny little purse as if she was nervous, but walked as if she owned the street. Who knows.
What I DO know is that she stood out from just about every other woman around her. She didn't seem drunk, she wasn't wearing the little black dress that every other woman was wearing. And the fact that the dress she wore was stylish and attractive only added to the sexiness of the fact that the hemline ended just above the knee.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a prude, I'm no Victorian who goes crazy over the mere sight of an ankle. But I DO appreciate style. It's a strange dichotomy for a bachelor. We want our women to be sexy. We want them to be able to wear the short little black dress that shows just a little too much when they lean over to pick up their keys off the floor. At the same time, we want our women to be stylish, to stand out, to be original and sexy all at the same time.
And that might be the biggest difference between a bachelor who's older than 35 and a bachelor who's in his 20's. I'll admit it...when I was 22, I would have jumped all over the puke patrol. At that age, it's simply about the physical attraction. But as a bachelor gets older, it becomes more complex. You start to realize that there are a million women who look pretty good in a short black skirt. But not every woman can pull off the more demure, teasingly sexy look that speaks of confidence and brains and wit.
Maybe getting older as a bachelor means becoming more like a woman, I'm not sure. But I DO know that at some point, the substance of a woman becomes a little more important than if they can pull off the "little black dress' look.
That's really the one redeeming aspect of Summer for me. It's not just that more and more women wear the short short skirts. It's that I can really start to tell the difference between the women I'm really interested in meeting and the ones that, at best, would be good for a quick slap and tickle before sending them on their way.
In the winter, everyone is bundled up and wearing layers of coats and jeans and hoodies. Everyone kind of looks alike. But once the weather turns warm, you really start to see the individual style and personality come out. You start to see the women who are sexy in their own right and don't feel the need to dress like a Hollywood hooker.
Again, don't misread me here. I'm not complaining. In fact the short skirts are really the only thing that helps be get through the rough spot between late March and early October. I love seeing the short skirts, I love the wanton display of legs and ass.
But ultimately, that's just eye-candy for the most part. It's the ones who can be sexy in their own right, the ones who can pull off the 50's style look, or who feel comfortable wearing only shorts and an oversized shirt or fitted t-shirt that really stand out.
So get out there, my bachelor friends. Because the only thing better than Summer is Halloween when it comes to women wearing the kind of clothes that are specifically meant to get your blood boiling. The difference is that Halloween is a fantasy night when women wear clothes to portray who they want to be. Whereas Summer is the time where women wear clothes that indicate who they really are.
Take some time to wander the streets after the bars close and take in the spectacle. But, as bachelors, realize that the clothes will tell you almost everything you need to know about the woman you're about to hook up with.
They're either the girl you kick out of bed at 5am, or they're the kind of girl you actually get up early to make breakfast for. You can tell a lot by the kind of Summer clothes a woman wears, you just have to be aware enough to read the signals.
And when it comes to your own wardrobe, let me say this. Linen is attractive. It flow in the right places and it clings where it should. But you can only wear it if you're in some sort of shape. Seriously, it's like spandex. Only wear linen if you're skinny enough to pull it off. Otherwise, dear bachelors, find a style that suits you and stick with it.
Don't try to wear skinny jeans if you can't pull off the hipster look. Don't wear plaid if you're 5 foot 6 and weigh 110 pounds. Just like women, you have to find a style that fits you, that tells the world who you are. And that's not an easy thing to figure out. But once you DO find your style, go forth and conquer. Because while almost every woman looks good in a short black skirt, not every man looks good in baggy jeans and a backwards baseball cap.
In the end, it's still Summer, so comfort matters. Find something that is comfortable and is cool enough to wear even in the middle of the day. Because you have to be you. Trust me, most of the girls wearing the short black skirt isn't a slut, even if they choose to dress like one for a night out on the town. But you can bet that the girl who stands out in her choice of outfit isn't trying to fool you or trick you. She will end up being, most likely, who you think she is; confident, independent, smart, and challenging.
And in the end, isn't that the kind of woman we're all looking for?
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