No, I'm not going to give you my "special" recipe for pumpkin-butternut squash soup (which, by the way was a HUGE hit at my last Halloween party). This isn't about teaching bachelors how to cook, because, let's face it, if you're a bachelor, cooking is probably very low on your list of things to learn. It ranks right up there with learning how to dance the Tango or knowing all the words to "Stranger of the Night" from the Musical "Phantom of the Opera."
Which is unfortunate, really, because, while we as bachelors are way more interested in the latest tech toys, or how to fix our car, or pondering why women don't wear short skirts more often, we really could use skills like cooking, dancing and a basic knowledge of musical theater. Yes, there are those bachelors out there who know all of these things. As men, we generally call these guys, gay. But that's a big mistake.
Ummm...honey, dinners ready!
Who Are You? Who Who, Who Who?
Certainly, there is something to be said for being the rough and tumble, rugged bachelor type that cooks only when the words "camping" and "possum" are involved, but take a moment, bachelor friends of mine, to think about how to really seduce a woman.
Too often, bachelors, particularly the younger ones, take the approach of impressing a woman the same way they might try to impress a fellow bachelor. We brag about ourselves, we try to show how much money we have by taking them out to expensive restaurants and we attempt to appear as macho as possible. The idea that we might show a sensitive side, or a hidden talent or an understanding of the ins and outs of a proper box step is not just abhorrent to many bachelors...it's downright frightening.
And I get that. As American men, we're not really raised with the idea that real men dance, and cook and listen to opera. Real men in America drive muscle cars, paint their body for football games, watch movies with explosions and nudity and never, ever, EVER cry. No matter what.
I'll admit, I often fall into this line of thinking. My entire life has been a series of porn parties, drinking parties, random hook-ups, movie explosions, bar fights and raw machismo. It's an image that many men attempt to portray, and one that very few are truly successful at. Let's face it. Unless you wander the countryside with a shotgun at your side, clad in leather on the back of a Harley Hog, you probably will never be as "manly" as the men you hope you imitate. The fact is, we can't all be "The Road Warrior".
But that doesn't mean we still can't be manly men. Truth be told, I've always had a place in my heart that literally seethes and rebels at the sight of "sensitive ponytail guy." We all know these guys. They have gone by different names over the years, but they're essentially the same. Call them SPG, MetroSexuals, or Hipsters, the point is, they are the more sensitive, allegedly more enlightened male that women say they want, but really don't.
At the same time, they don't really want the bad boy guy all the time either. As far as I can figure out, women, being the complicated creatures they are, want the bad boy, the sensitive ponytail guy, protector and confidant all wrapped into one. All I have to say is, "good luck, ladies." That's a pretty tall order. Frankly, men just aren't that versatile. For that matter, we're not really interested in being that versatile. We want to be the guy that smashes stuff, kills a woolly mammoth and then clubs some chick on the head with a club and drags her into our cave. In our inner core, we're simply childish cavemen. The sooner you face that fact, the better off we'll all be.
But...and this is a big one, guys, so pay attention...that doesn't mean that as men, as bachelors we shouldn't strive to better ourselves. This means being open to some of the more sensitive sides of our nature. That means learning some skills that not only will help you make your way through this crazy world, but will also help you woo a woman.
Cookin' With Gas:
Imagine a date. Not just any date. But a date with a woman that you really, REALLY like. This isn't some floozy you met in a bar and you liked her because her tats were sexy. No, this is a woman who has a brain, legs that won't quit and a real sense of humor. She isn't too high maintenance and while she enjoys Keaneau Reeves movies for some inexplicable reason, she also enjoys a good shoot-em-up flick.
Sure, you could take her out to some expensive restaurant, but what would that prove? I can't speak for all women, but many of the women I've known over the years have lamented the fact that every date they go on consists of dinner at an expensive restaurant, hanging out in a crowded bar followed by awkward attempts at kissing or more.
It's not that these women didn't enjoy the dinner, or the free drinks. It's just that, they say, it all seems so formula, so cliche. There's no imagination, no spontaneity, no romance.
But what would happen if, instead of asking her out on a "traditional" date, you threw her a curve ball? What if you asked her to your place for a nice, quiet dinner, followed by dancing at a local club? Imagine how the late night kiss attempt might be different.
You see, there's something to be said for taking the time to create something with your own hands, just for her. And here's the thing...you don't have to be a five-star chef. Just the fact that you made the food yourself tells her that you like her enough to take the time to craft a meal specifically in her honor. Maybe it's just a salad, followed by chicken and pasta with a light dessert to top it off. Hey, that's fine. Buy some decent wine, play some good music and spend the evening just talking and getting to know one another.
Maybe you invite her over a little early and make it an event. Cook the meal together. You'd be surprised at how much fun that can be.
I know, I can hear a lot of you saying, "But Chris, I have no idea how to cook." That's okay. I'm assuming you can read because you're reading my post right now. There are these things called cookbooks that you can buy, or, better yet, recipes you can download right onto your computer-machine. These fabulous inventions tell you what kind of food to buy, how to prepare it, how long to cook it and how to serve it. Truly an ingenious invention.
Now, I know how to cook. I learned at a young age, and it's no surprise since a person doesn't get to be my size without knowing how to cook for himself. And be sure...I've made my share of mistakes. I've filled up the muffin tins to the top, which, by the way, creates giant mutant muffins and creates a huge mess in your stove. But I've learned, and some of my best dates have been one-on-one dinners that I've made for the one I lusted after. Believe me, a simple dinner with some appetizers, some candlelight, a clean apartment and good music softly playing in the background is a much better venue to get to know someone that in a crowded, expensive restaurant or bar.
Dancing Fool:
That leads me to the other skill that is really important for bachelors to know; dancing. I'll be the first to admit, I'm not a very good dancer. Left to my own devices, I end up looking like a bear that has just been shot in ass with arms flailing and legs kicking out in all directions. I actually thought I killed an old man once while trying to dance the two-step at the Grizzly Rose one year. Seriously, I thought he was dead after I rolled him like he just stole my wallet.
It's called the "Wild Goose" why do you ask?
However, I'm a pretty decent Salsa dancer and I can hold my own in a slow dance, which are really the only two dances any bachelor really NEEDS to know. If you don't know how to slow dance, take my advice and learn how...yesterday.
I guarantee, if you look online, you can find a local studio that will teach you how to dance a traditional slow dance, and probably even teach you some other dances as well such as the Tango, the Salsa and maybe even the Macarena if you ask nicely.
Okay, I was just kidding about the Macarena, but honestly, learn to dance. Ask any woman you know, and they'll tell you right away, there's nothing as attractive as a man who really knows how to dance. It shows confidence, coordination, stamina and, in the end, dancing can just be plain sexy.
You need look no further than the Latino culture to find proof of theory. Latino and Spanish men are raised knowing how to dance. Dancing isn't a woman thing, it's a machismo thing. I once knew a small Latin man who wasn't much to look at by his own admittance, but put him in a club and he'll have some of the most attractive women fighting each other for a chance to spend just one dance with him. That's because he knew how to dance, how to lead, how to seduce through the art of the dance.
I make no promises, but I will say this. If you have a woman you want to seduce, I mean really seduce, make her dinner at your place, be intimate in your conversation, show her your talents instead of just bragging about them, and then take her out dancing where you can strut your stuff a little, topped off by a romantic slow dance...well buster, you'll be one quick road trip back to your apartment for some all-night lovin'.
For Singles Only...An Addendum:
All of this brings me back to one of my pet peeves. Shopping for the bachelor. I tend to buy my food as I need it. This means spending a lot of time in convenience stores or making quick runs to the nearest Vitamin Cottage or Whole Foods for a special meal or party. However from time to time, I have been known to hit the Target Superstore, or King Soopers or even a Sam's Club for shopping purposes.
Here's the problem with that. Convenience stores and specialty stores are more expensive than your traditional grocery stores. But the problem with grocery stores, or the more reasonably priced Sam's Clubs of the world sell foodstuffs in larger quantities than I can actually eat. In other words, when I shop at a more traditional store, I always end up buying more than I use..because it's packaged that way, and some of what I buy always spoils before I get to it.
This truly annoys me. It feels like throwing money out my window just because everyone else is doing it. I wish, and I know this is really just a pipe dream, but I wish there was a store out there specifically designed to sell food packaged just for singles. I could buy a package of hot dogs in quantities of four instead of eight since I won't eat eight hot dogs, but I'll eat four over the course of a day or two. As it is, I open a package of hot dogs, end up eating two or three, and then I put the rest back in the fridge to sit and slowly go bad. I don't want eight hot dogs...I want two, three, four tops.
Here's another example. I don't need two pounds of hamburger. I need a half pound that I can mold into a burger and eat with a serving of instant potatoes, which, sadly, only comes in packages of four servings. Again, I know I'm asking for a lot. I mean, we all know that most shoppers are buying for couples or families with two-point-three children. But I just wish there were more options for singles to buy single food servings at locations that don't start with the number 7 and end with the number 11.
On Final Thought:
Okay, enough bitching. The point is, as bachelors, we need to understand that women DO want to see our manly side. They want to feel safe. They want to trust in our strength and integrity and they want to know that if we have to fend of a cluster of ninja's in a dark alley, we'll be able to hold them off long enough for her to scramble away while we slowly die from multiple ninja star wounds.
At the same time, they also want to trust us, they want to know that we're not all dirt and fists and blood and gratuitous explosions. They want to know they can actually talk to us. That we'll listen, that we can actually take care of ourselves and that we're not just looking for someone to make us spaghetti and do our laundry.
By knowing how to cook and add starch to your shirts and running vacuum over your carpet from time to time, they'll see that you aren't looking for a mother, but for a partner. And if you can then take them out for a night on the town and dance with them, hold them in your arms and not crush their big toe or kill an old man, they'll view you in an entirely different light. They'll wonder what other "secret skills" you may have hidden away behind your gruff exterior. Sing them a song and they'll literally melt into a puddle in your arms.
To be straight here...you don't have to be Wolfgang Puck, or Fred Astaire or Michael Buble. You simply have to be able to cook a meal, dance a simple dance, sing a simple song and suddenly you'll have a leg up on your competition. You can still enjoy your crappy porn, Kung Fu movies and old Violent Femmes albums. Just make sure she sees that there's more to you than being the simple caveman we all are at our core.
Just be careful, because once you start doing that...once she sees you as a talented, sensitive man with other manly traits, you might just find yourself in an honest to goodness relationship. And then you'll have to turn in your bachelor card. Don't worry though, as a tried and true bachelor, you'll probably screw it up somewhere along the way, and then you can use your talents to go out and find another wonderful woman to woo. And that, my friends, is the REAL circle of life.
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