She's Got The Look!

I feel like ranting today...

It's not that it's been a particularly bad week or so since I last posted, it's just that I have a lot on my chest that I have to get off.  It's actually been a bit crazy since we last spoke.  In that time, I went to New York, hung out with good friends, sang some songs, did some shows, got way behind in work.  So, you know, all good.

I hate myself for find her attractive...

But what I really want to talk about is "Hipsters."  You see, when I went to New York, I spent a lot of my time in a place called Williamsburg, Brooklyn.  It's a very cool little neighborhood just on the other side of the East River, nestled in the shadow of the Willaimsburg Bridge.  It's located right off of Bedford Avenue, which, it just so happens, is also where the New York Marathon goes down. 

I had been in Brooklyn for all of about 30 minutes when it started to dawn on me that everyone...and I mean EVERYONE pretty much looked exactly the same.  Skinny jeans, tiny sweater vests, chunky glasses, and for the girls, black leggings.  Oh, and let's not forget the scarf bunched tightly around the neck, even if the sun is out and the weather is 75 degrees.  I have to make an exception for the scarf, though, because I think that's more of a New York thing than a Hipster thing, since it seemed everyone in New York was wearing one.  In fact, I think when you move to the Big Apple, they hand one out to every new resident as a kind of identification tag. 

Now, I've been fairly cool with the whole hipster thing.  Like grunge, preppy, punk, goth, emo and all those other fads, I pay little attention to recent fads.  When I dress, I simply try not to look completely idtiotic or homeless.  It's a challenge, to be sure, but I manage.

But I DO have a dirty little secret to tell:  I actually LOVE the hipster look on women.  Yes, I get annoyed at the opaque tights and the hipster look on girls will always be head and shoulders better than the long frayed jeans with flip-flops look (blech).

But the best part about the hipster look with women is that they wear glasses.  In case you haven't caught my previous posts, I absolutely ADORE women with glasses.  Glasses are hip, glasses are shiek, glasses are...well...sexy. 

The problem is, with hipster chicks, you also get hipster dudes, and that's where I start to have a problem.  Listen, I get it.  If your 25-ish and you want to date, you most likely will be dealing with a hipster chick, a hippie chick, a business chick or a trailer chick.  You have to choose who you're going to go after.  If you're in college in Colorado, you're probably going to be getting a lot of hippie chick.  The biz chick and hipster chick have some crossover and if you're just looking for a quick and dirty lay on a Friday night, then trailer chick will do just fine, thank you.

So if you're going after hipster chick, you have to dress the part.  Again, understandable.  But here's the thing, just because you dress like a hipster dude, doesn't mean you have to be a douche like a hipster dude.  Go ahead and wear the tiny hat, the sweater vest and the skinny jeans with a sagging butt.  I don't care.  If it helps you get laid, more power to you.  But like the grunge, goth, emo or preppie phenomenons, the hipster dude fashion comes complete with a shitty attitude. 

It has something to do with being "ironic" which is oddly enough, ironic since many hipsters don't really know what the word means.  I get the sense that many of them derive their definition of ironic from that old Alanis Morissette song, which wasn't ironic at all, just stupid.  But because hipsters aren't ironic at all, they actually end up being, of all things...ironic. 

DAMMIT!  The hipsters win again!  In the end, though, I've reached the conclusion that if men would simply leave fashion trends alone, I could probably actually appreciate the new fashion trends much more.  The fact is, while I LOVE hipster women, hipster men are like nails on a chalkboard to me. 

And yet...

Even with the hipster women, I get a little annoyed at their choice to wear skirts with black leggings.  Again, I get it if the weather is cold and windy, but when the sun is out and it's warm, leave the hose or leggings or tights at home.  You're wearing a skirt, right?  What's the point of wearing a skirt ona warm day if you're just going to cover up your legs anyway?  Why not just wear slacks, or jeans?  Being a man, I know there is an answer in there that I just won't understand, but I think the question was worth asking anyway.

I've always been a fan of the goth look, and the emo look, and I guess I'll but the Hipster look in with those two strange fashions.  I don't know why I've always had an attraction to those particular looks, but I think it has something to do with the kind of personality it takes to wear those fashions.  The women who sport those looks are often more independent, smarter, more thoughtful and most likely artsy...and I love artsy. 

And Now Onto Rant Two:

I'll try to make this one a quickie, kay?  This one has to do with babies and children.  As a 40 year old bachelor, I've pretty much made my bed when it comes to raising a family.  It's not that I can't have a kid, I can shoot bullets till I'm 80 (yay for being a guy).  It's just that I really don't know if I want to have children.

But as a 40 year old bachelor, I'm inundated more and more with friends who have gotten married and popped out a handful of carpet monsters.  When that happens, you're suddenly awash in pictures of your friends children eating soup, sleeping on the couch, dressed up like Darth Vader for Halloween.

Then, at some point, the parents want you to...no, they practically demand, that you tell them how amazing and cute and wonderful their child is. 

Listen, breeders, because this may save your relationship with your single friends. 

1.  All babies are ugly.
2.  No, I don't care how smart you think your kid is.  If they can't figure out my taxes, they're of no use to me.
3.  All children are walking disease factories.  I don't want to hold them, touch them or even breath the same air as them.
4.  Babies and children in particular smell like strawberries and evil.  I don't care what you say.
5.  The more you talk about your child to me, the more I put you in the crazy cat lady category.  

There, that should help you.  Just like your single friends don't want you to pity them because you're married and they're not, your single friends also don't give a crap about your child.  We aren't related to them, we didn't create them, we get pure joy out of teasing them and we'll most likely only care for them if you die and we are forced to take them in by law.

Frankly, to most single people, a baby or small child is kind of like a cat or a dog.  We don't even really see them as real people.  They're hairless, crying pets basically.

As a single man, I wish there were more non-children places I could go.  I'd pay extra for non-children movies, non-children flights, non-children restaurants.  Why do you think so many men go to strip clubs?  NO CHILDREN!

I love seeing cute pictures of dogs on Facebook and on people's cellphones.  That's because dogs are cute, and no one has to change their diapers. 

I don't hate children, really I don't.  It's just that the more married people try to shove their children down my throat, the more I resist them.  I'm sure if I had a child of my own, I'd most likely do exactly the same thing.  You're proud of your child, this miracle of creation you produced with someone else. 

So, my bachelor friends, the only advice I can give is to grin and bear it.  Smile when your friends show you the pictures of their babies, be kind and try not to suggest a pillow to a parent trying to calm down a screaming child. 

And, whatever you do, if you ever do find that you somehow end up with a tiny baby boy, do everything in your power to make sure they don't grow up to be a hipster dude.  Like the "sensitive ponytail guy" from the 90's, they're just douches.