Dance as if...

You probably know the rest of that line.  I think it comes from a country song or something.  There's a bit about pretending that no one is watching you as you make a total tool of yourself on the dance floor.  I mean, that's not EXACTLY what it says, but it's implied.  I don't think they actually use the word "tool".

Regardless, dancing can be a tricky subject for most bachelors.  In fact, it's a bit of a conundrum.  Women like men who dance.  They DON'T like men who can't dance.  Therefore, a woman will be happy you got out on the dance floor, but then they won't talk to you after you finish spazzing out, all elbows and knees. 

nobody is watching...nobody is watching...nobody is watching...

I was in a conversation recently with a guy a bit younger than me and the subject of dancing came up.  Apparently he was at a concert or a club, or maybe a concert at a club, it really doesn't matter.  The gist is that he was one of the few white men dancing as if no one was watching.  The problem is, people WERE watching.  He said at one point he overheard someone behind him say, "Wow, look at that French Fry go!"  Sure the "French Fry" comment could have been about the fact he was a tall white man.  But honestly, I think we all know that it's because he was a tall white man who couldn't dance a lick.

The problem is, some people were just born to dance.  Women, gay men, apparently French people and a few select Russians who look good in tights.  I, however, was not born to dance.  I've never enjoyed it, what with all the sweating and heavy breathing and social awkwardness.  It's like having public sex, but without the happy ending.  Besides, I was always more interested in what was going on at the bar than on the dance floor.  Why wreck yourself when rum and cokes are on special for $3.00?

When I was younger, and many pounds lighter, I'd go to dance clubs.  This usually entailed me, joined by a handful of friends, some of which were very attractive women, going into a club and immdiately splitting up.  I would make my way to the bar with one or two of the guys, while the women made a beeline for the dancefloor.  I'd drink myself into a pleasant numbness while the girls gyrated and looked sexy and got hit on by random dudes.  I was smart enough to realize even then that these women didn't want me to go to the club with them to dance, they wanted me there in case some of the random dudes got a little too aggressive. 

I didn't mind.  They usually paid my cover, and I even got to sleep with a few of them from time to time.  Who needed to dance when I could stand around getting drunk and look imposing?  At some point, I'd fill up on enough courage juice where I'd finally get out on the floor and whirl like a dirvish.  This normally only lasted a couple of songs, but I'd at least feel like I danced a little so the experience was complete. 

As I got older, the routine was basically the same every time I hit a dance club only my trips to the dance floor became fewer and fewer.  In time, I stopped going to dance clubs completely, which is allright since I'm now 40 years old and I'd pretty much look like a dirty old man perving on 22 year olds.  I can do that at a regular bar without paying the cover or dealing with the crowds at a dance club.

But still, there's the problem of the bachelor and the dance.  Let's admit it, most of us don't dance, or at least don't dance well.  And don't listen to the women that say it doesn't matter if you don't dance well...they're lying.  It matters.  If you want to sleep with them, it matter a lot!

I think the basic problem is, unlike women, or gay men or French people or leaping Russians, the average American bachelor doesn't understand the appeal of dancing.  We get no inherent joy from dancing.  It's like a job to most of us; something we have to do in order to appeal to Mrs Right...or at least Mrs. Right Now. 

It's unstructured, it's crowded, and let's face it, at some point, you end up repeating the same moves until you look like a Charlie Brown character just hopping from one leg to another with your arms by your sides. 

Sadly, however, every bachelor is going to be faced with the moment when they absolutely HAVE to dance.  It could be the difference between waking up in her bed, or going home alone to watch "The Soup" reruns at 2am.

So, in an effort to help my bachelor bretheren, here are a few simple things you can do to make sure you don't coldcock anyone with a flying elbow, or instantly crush your girl's libido with your awful moves on the dance floor.

Study Up, Bro!

Oddly enough, the traditional dance club, with the techno and house music pumping and pounding is perhaps the worst place for a bachelor to actually dance.  There no rhyme or reason to the dancing and unless you're blessed with natural dancing talent, you're going to look like a goof bobbing and weaving to the beats.

So what are you supposed to do?  The simple answer is; Study!

Listen, you don't have to be a world class dancer.  You just need to get by.  So the first thing you need to do is take a dance lesson.  Don't sign up for tap, or ballet, these probably won't get you very far and there are very few venues where you can show off these moves.  No, instead, sign up for something relatively easy and yet popular. 

Most cities have free or very cheap dance lessons where you can learn the basics of Salsa, Swing or the Two step.  These classes are short, lasting only one or two classes for the basics and you can take what you learned and practic a bit by yourself in the privacy of your own home.  The hardest part of this plan is that you'll need a female friend to go with you.  You don't want to go to these things alone. 

Once you've mastered the basics, or at least learned them as best as you can, the next move is up to you.  If you ask a woman out, you want to show her a good time.  And chances are, she'll want to go dancing.  Even if she doesn't say it, she'd much rather spend a date dancing the night away than watching you drink your fifth martini in a dark and crowded bar. 

This is where you take control of the situation.  Don't let her mention dancing.  If you do, you'll probably end up in a one of those clubs you desperately want to avoid.  Instead, establish where you'er going to dinner, and immediately say you're going dancing.  This will surprise her and please her.  She'll be shocked that you would consider dancing which will make you even more intriguing and attractive to her.

You need to pick your club wisely.  Make sure it's a club that features the kind of dancing you've been practicing.  It doesn't matter if it's a salsa club, a swing dance club or a country music club.  Just make sure you have your basic steps down and don't try to get too fancy.  A little bit of dancing goes a long way for a bachelor.

This is where many bachelors get into trouble.  We get comfortable with the basic steps and in an effort to really impress our date, we try to grab the brass ring.  We go crazy and try that cool spin move or between the legs flip or double toe-tap and things go horribly wrong.

I know, because I've done it myself.  Years ago I went to the Grizzly Rose, a country music club in Denver with a date.  I had never danced the two-step before, but was willing to learn at the encouragement of my date.  An hour later, I was moving around in a circle like an old pro.  An hour after that we had mastered a simple, basic spin move, and an hour after that, I was five beers in and my courage was up.  I decided to try the more complicated double spin, under the arm, behind the back back in the saddle move (I don't know if that's the actual term for the move, but I made it up and I like it). 

I spun my date out in front of me, still holding her hand, then pulled her back underneath my arm, so far so good.  Things got gummed up, though when I tried to guide her behind my back so she'd end up back at my left hand side.  Our feet got tangled up and I fell forward, trying to regain my balance.  At some point as I flew face first into the floor and knew it was hopeless and fell over like a redwood.  The problem was, I had stumbled into the elderly couple in front of me and as I fell, they were like little lumberjacks frozen in fear as the large tree topples on top of them. 

We hit with a thud.  The elderly man on the bottom, the elderly woman hurling off into the center of the floor and me landing squarely on top of the old man.  I heard a groan and I instantly thought I'd killed him.  He was bruised and shaken up, but fortunately, not dead.  I was asked to leave the dance floor and needless to say, we never danced again that night.  I also never heard from my date after that night.  I've also never danced the two step again.

The point is, you don't have to be spectacular, just passable.  Just the fact that you're out on the floor dancing, looking halfway decent will be enough to impress your date.  Try to look too cool and end up wounding an old man, though, and she'll probably never talk to you again.

The Traditional Dance:

There is one other dance that every bachelor absolutely HAS to know, and that is the traditional ballroom dance.  You should learn it as a waltz and as a regular slow dance.  This dance will serve you well for your entire life, so the better you are at it, the more it will come in handy.  This is the kind of dance you do at weddings, fancy parties, and late at night when the lights are low and the club is preparing to shut down.  It's also a great romantic dance to do when you're alone with your date at home. 

Again, you can take a single class to learn the basics, but there's nothing like experience to really get it down.  Here are a few essentials of the proper slow dance that I've learned over the years:

1.  Hold Her Close - This isn't 1899, it's 2011.  The hand out to the side is outdated and just looks silly.  Instead, clasp your hands behind her back.  Place them in her lower back gently but firmly.  Don't hug her and don't stand two feet away with your hands on her hips...this is how you dance with your cousin.  How you hold her is just as important as how you move your feet.

2.  Make Eye Contact - This can sometimes be the hardest part of the slow dance, but it's vital.  Don't avoid eye contact, look her directly in the eyes.  Some men prefer to hold the date so close they're looking over her shoulder, I prefer to hold them close, but not so close that we can't look at each other.  You can tell a lot about what a woman is thinking or feeling by looking into her eyes. 

3.  Guide the Dance - You'll learn this if you take a basic class, but the man leads the dance.  It doesn't really matter where you go, or how you get there, just be sure that you're leading the way.  If you want to dance in wide concentric circles, then do it, if you want to move in a square, do that.  As long as you're guiding her in the direction you want to go, you'll be fine.  Be aware, though, that you're not dragging her from one side of the room to the other.  All it takes is gentle pressure in her lower back to let her know which way you want her to go.  Try to stay in rythm to the music and whatever you do, don't step on her toes.

4.  Talk, Don't Ramble - Again, this is a tricky subject.  You want to talk to her while you're dancing to put her at ease, but you don't want to talk too much that it gets distracting.  Sometimes silence is a very good thing.  Tell her you're happy she's dancing with you, tell her how beautiful she looks, let her know that she dances wonderfully.  The slow dance is NOT the time to discuss work, or past girlfriends or the dinner you had that night.  Like the basics of dance, a little goes a long way.

5.  Be Confident - No matter what you do, do it with confidence.  Understand that you WILL mess up at some point, that's okay.  As long as you hold her close and dance with confidence, she'll be happy that she danced with you.  If you're timid, she'll sense this and you'll be lost.  The slow dance is one of the few times a man can show confidence without having to blow something up or being loud about it.  Besides, all those other moments are really just false bravado, and women can see right through that.  But a man who dances with confidence is being real and there's nothing more attractive to a woman than a man with confidence.

One final note, whether it's a slow dance, a salsa, a swing dance, a two-step or moving aimlessly at a techno dance club, whenever you dance with a woman, have fun, or at least look like you're having fun.  It may be work, you may be miserable, dancing might be the last thing you want to do, but don't show it.  A woman wants you to have fun dancing with her, so smile, laugh, try to enjoy it.

I mean, the entire dating ritual for most bachelors is like a dance.  You move, they move, and hopefully, in a short time, you're both moving in concert with each other and a connection has been made.

Or you could be all stiff and cold and oily...like french fry.