It's SPORTS, Baby!

As America begins to slouch forward this week, shrugging off it's collective hangover after the annual national party known simply as "The SuperBowl," I got thinking about the average bachelor and his relationship to sports. 

Now, I'm a big sports fan.  In my younger days, I used to play football, baseball, racquetball, basketball, and I wasn't bad.  Not long ago, I used to spend every Sunday at a park with coworkers and friends playing volleyball.  I still get to the batting cages and enjoy a rousing game of softball as well.  In fact, in the past few years, I played indoor soccer (I was horrible), dodgeball and softball on organized teams in actual leagues.  I even used to fence (no, not building fences, but swordfighting).  I still manage to get out for a few rounds of golf a year. 

Sports and the Bachelor, it's a touchdown every time!

It's a commonly held belief that women don't really enjoy sports.  Or at least not as much as their men do.  However, I have to say that living in Colorado at least, that's not really the case.  Most of the women I know are WAY more active than I am.  Which leads me to the conclusion that at least when it comes to PLAYING sports, it's actually a benefit for bachelors to actively engage in sports, even if it's beer-league kickball. 

But when it comes to watching sports?  Well, now, that's a completely different ball of wax.  And I'm not even just talking about watching it on TV.  For some reason, women don't get that bachelors, most of them anyway, really enjoy watching their favorite sports, whether it's on TV or in person at a stadium.

Plus, there's another aspect of sports that really seems to baffle womankind everywhere, and that's the bachelor's infatuation and uncanny knowledge of sports minutiae.  Sure, we can't remember her birthday, or her favorite colors and if you put a gun to our head, we might have a hard time remembering her eye color.  But ask us how many stolen bases Ricky Henderson had in 1988, or who won the Home run derby in 1999, we'll rattle off names, numbers and even do a play by play for you.

So this post is for the women.  It's a little insight into how sports fits into the life of a bachelor, and, how you can use sports to "get your man". 

It's A Guy Thing:

I have a lot of female friends who enjoy their sports. They like to play sports and heck, they'll even watch it from time to time.  But in my time wandering this planet, it's very, VERY rare to find a woman with the kind encyclopedic knowledge of sports your typical bachelor often has. 

I can't explain why I know the batting average for Andres Gallaraga in 1995, but I always forget a girl's birthday or an anniversary date.  What I DO know is that I'm not alone.  Many bachelors have this problem.

Ladies, before we go forward, you have to know something right from the start.  This isn't a personal thing.  We still care about you, it's just that our minds are already cluttered with stats and highlights and information that is basically totally useless in the real world.  Basically, it's a guy thing.  You wouldn't understand it, and we don't expect you to, honest.  At best we hope you can deal with it and know that we're not trying to be idiots, it just comes naturally.

Bowl-A-Rama

I spent this past Sunday, like a lot of Americans, hanging out with friends, eating wings, drinking beer and watching the Packers beat the Steelers in SuperBowl 45.  There were men, there were women, rooting interests were established, comments on the commercials were made, the halftime show was scrutinized. 

A lot of the comments about the game itself came from three of the guys in the room.  Another guy wasn't really into the game.  He was married, but I think the fact that he's from Puerto Rico had more to do with that than his nuptials.  One woman actually left in the middle of the first quarter to go to church, another sat in the back and said nothing for two hours, a third woman was playing hostess, a fourth woman kept commenting on the players butts, and my friend Mere, actually was watching the game and making timely, intelligent comments.

Now I'm not going to say one is better than the other, but from a bachelor's perspective, only one of the women I mentioned previously was an actual joy to have at the party.  It's not that sitting quietly in the corner is a bad thing, it's just that it's kind of awkward.  Playing hostess is a good thing, an absolute necessity, but frankly, bachelors could go an entire game without ever hearing how nice the players' butts look in their pants.  We just don't want to hear that.

However, if a woman make a comment about a particular player or a play or makes an astute observation about how the 3-4 alignment of the defense is leaving gaping holes in the secondary for the faster wide receivers....well, for some bachelors, that's terms for love at first sight. 

Seriously, ladies, we love that.  Listen, we're not asking you to be able to remember all those useless statistics.  That's our job, and if you do it better than us, then we're going to feel a little emasculated.  But simply by trying, just the little act of knowing something, well, that might be the best way to capture a bachelor's attention.

It shows us that you care about the things we care about.  It let's us know that you understand our infatuation with men the size of of a schoolbus slamming into each other at 100 miles an hour.  More importantly, it's a subtle approving nod that tells us, "it's okay, go ahead and remember your stupid statistics and forget my birthday, because I'm going to drag you to a tupperware party someday, and you'll be okay with it."

And we will be.  Because it's a two way street.  We see that you're trying to enjoy the game and learn something about it.  Plus, we'll appreciate not having to answer a million inane questions while our favorite team is down by three with two minutes to go.  We'll gladly go to that tupperware party or baby shower, and while you're mingling with your girlfriends discussing taffeta, or shoes, or whatever you talk about, we'll be in the corner proudly regaling our friends with the one time you knew the difference between a zone and man-to-man coverage scheme.

Baseball Daze:

Of course, the SuperBowl is one thing.  Even non-football fans watch that game.  But baseball is a different beast entirely.

A little caveat here, I'm a huge baseball fan.  Like golf, I'll watch it on TV if it's on.  But like golf, it's always better in person.  Golf is much more enjoyable to play.  Baseball is much more enjoyable to see in person.

I love baseball so much, that it's on my list of must-do dates.  In other words, when I start to think that I'm getting really interested in a woman, I'll take her to a baseball game.  If she hates it, I pretty much know the relationship is doomed.  If she has a blast, then there's hope and reason to move forward. 

I'm not asking you to suddenly begin loving baseball.  That's just something you can't fake.  In most cases, all I can do is simply ask that you not HATE baseball.  But if you're interested in a guy, one of the best things you can do is to at least try and like his favorite sport.  It may be football, or baseball or hockey or basketball or bicycling.  It doesn't matter.  Just try to take an interest.  For the reasons I stated above, plus one other reason.

Like my baseball date, bachelors will take a woman to their favorite sporting event as a kind of test.  We WANT you to like our favorite sport because we WANT to spend fun times with you.  Part of that is being able to have a shared connection with a particular team.  Not liking our favorite sport is almost always a signal to the bachelor that the relationship is going to fail.  It's that important.

Couch Potato:

Finally, a lot of women get really upset at their men for sitting around on the couch watching golf or basketball or whatever.  For some reason, right about kickoff or first pitch or tip off, women decide THAT'S when they need the trash taken out or the sink fixed or errands run. 

Don't do this.  Again, I'm not saying you have to let your man sit around the house for hours on end, eating pizza, watching ballgames and turning into Jabba-The-Hut.  But don't hound them either.  After a while, it really starts to seem vindictive.  Like you're just angry that for three hours on Sunday, we're not paying attention to you and paying more attention to grown men playing kids games. 

All we ask is that you be aware of when "the game" is on.  It's not that we won't take the trash out or fix the sink or run the errands.  It's just that we prefer to do this stuff BEFORE or AFTER "the game". 

On the plus side, if you ever want to break up with a guy, one of the quickest ways to do the deed is to constantly bother him during "the game" or mock his favorite sport or sports team.  Trust me, chances are, he'll break it off and come out looking like the bad guy in the whole affair.

Tips For Chicks:

So with all that said, here are some tips ladies can use to catch the attention of that particular bachelor, or at the very least, ways you can manage to not screw things up by messing up the all-important sports issue.

1.  Find out what his favorite sport is - try watching a few games to see if you might enjoy it also
2.  Learn the rules - nothing is more annoying than having to answer a ton of questions when all we want to do is watch the game.
3.  Figure out the key players - You don't have to know all the players, just the big names and the teams they play for.  Knowing some of their big achievements or why they're important also helps
4.  Know the schedule - Some sports like baseball and basketball have a ton of games, but not all are important.  The big games, though, do matter.  Try to know when the big matchups are on.
5.  Do some research - The internet is a wonderful thing.  Do a little background research on the sport, learn the teams, understand some of the rivalries, find out about some of the key moments in the sports' history.

One final thing.  As a 40 year old bachelor, I'm not in the loop like I used to be when it comes to pop culture.  That means I have to go out of my way a couple of times a week to try and find out the latest gossip with the recent hollywood hotties, or the most current musical superstar.  I watch "The Soup" I check out the internet, I even ask my friends who ARE in the know.  This way, I can try to at least not sound completely out of it when those topics are discussed. 

I'm not always successful, but I will say that I love the look on the faces of my more hip friends when I actually know who Will-I-Am is or the words to the latest Hanna Montana song. 

So now you know.  Of course, you won't be required to spend your weekends at HOOTERS or sit through a double-header at Coors Field.  But you'll have plenty of opportunities to strut your sports knowledge in front of your bachelor friends.

The SuperBowl may be over, but right around the corner is March Madness.  It's a perfect time to test your new-found sports skills.  Join a pool, catch a game with your bachelor buds and see how they react when you talk about how the ACC is really down this year or how San Diego State is a Final Four quality team, even if it does play in the Mountain West Conference. 

They'll spit beer through their nose and then look at you in disbelief.  But then don't be surprised if they don't offer to buy you a plate of wings and later ask you out.  Try it and let me know.