Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Wow, I can't believe it's been an entire MONTH since my last post.  I have a ton of things to post about, I've just been busy with work, and life in general.  So many things to talk about, from bachelor parties, to date etiquette to "crazy" girls (of which I have more than my share of experience with).  Of course, I'm always open to any thoughts or ideas you might have.  Want to ask me a question?  Just send it to me here or on my Facebook page under "The Bachelor Diaries".  I'm happy to answer any question that's bachelor-oriented. 

 

"Ooohhh, I'll smack you good, I will!"

But for right now, I want to talk about the time-honored tradition of the "Bachelor apology".  If you're not a bachelor, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about.  That's because the B.A. as it's called isn't between a bachelor and a woman, it's something that is strictly between two bachelors.

That isn't to say that there isn't the old-fashioned bachelor apology to a lady.  But that's usually simply called, "The Apology".  When a bachelor has to apologize to a woman for something stupid they've done, there's a specific way to do it.  Sometimes it involves trinkets, like jewelry, or chocolates or a new car, depending on how stupid the bachelor was.

The important thing to remember when apologizing to a woman is to:

1.  Be sincere - In the absence of actually BEING sincere, at least SOUND sincere
2.  Assume all blame - Never implicate her in any way.  Take all responsibility
3.  It's not about you - It's all about how SHE feels, not how bad YOU feel

There you go.  Follow these three basic rules and you'll be okay, most of the time.  Also remember that women have particularly long memories.  They often won't tell you exactly how they feel, they'll get mad at you for not simply "knowing" how they feel, and they'll tell you everything is okay even when it's obvious that everything is NOT okay.  Apologizing to a woman is a landmine, inside a war zone, wrapped in ground zero of a nuclear bomb.  

In other words...it can be tricky.


ManSpeak:

But none of this applies when the apology is bachelor to bachelor.  It's way simpler and uses far less words.  But while the bachelor apology is easier, there are still some things to remember to make it a real apology and mend fences between two feuding dudes.

What a lot of women don't understand is that, simply put, men fight.  We like to fight.  It's kind of in our blood.  When I was growing up I used to get into scraps all the time with the boys in my neighborhood.  We'd take something pretty stupid and blow it up into this big thing and the next thing you know, we were wrestling on the ground, slapping each other with sticks or pushing someone out of the treehouse. 

When I got older, I had some friends that I used to hang out with, playing racquetball, or basketball or board games.  It didn't matter what it was, we were all young and hyper-competitive.  It was only natural that tempers would sometimes flare.  Sometimes I would get into fights on the courts, racquetball rackets flying, or basketballs being flung at heads.  Hell, I even got into a fistfight over a game of Risk one day.  Words were exchanged, dice was tossed in the general direction of someone's head, fists of fury flew.

And lest you think that maybe I was the only one with an anger management problem, all of my friends at one time or another had fights with someone else in the group.  It didn't matter if it was a pick up game, a game of cards, football practice, baseball practice, etc.

The thing is, guys fight...all the time.  Now this came in handy when I started working in news.  People fight all the time in newsrooms...seriously.  Sometimes punches are even thrown.  Everyone in a newsroom is opinionated.  However, it's important to remember this...it's never personal.  You can get angry, you can fight, say mean things and raise your voice.  You can even throw a punch.  But it's never personal. 

Again, I realize that this can be a difficult concept for some to grasp.  But usually bachelor fights are intense and over very quickly.  They're also usually about something stupid.  A fact not lost on most battling participants once the anger has subsided.  Once the fight is over, a few things need to happen before you can get to the actual apology.

First, you need a little time.  And I'm not talking "girl" time, which we all know can mean anywhere from 24 hours to three years.  Bachelor time can be basically be broken into two categories. 

1.  One day
2.  The time it takes to sober up

If the fight was alcohol-fueled, you HAVE to wait until both parties have sobered up and have figured out what exactly happened.  This is usually the case for bachelors over the age of 21.  If the fight was motivated by something else, then a day is usually sufficient. 


The only two exceptions to this rule are:

1.  The person you had a fight with is a rival or someone you already disliked.  This kind of fight carries grudges and no apologies will be forthcoming, so no need to worry about it.
2.  The fight was over a woman.  In this case, things get murky.  Frankly, bachelors shouldn't be fighting over a woman.  It's undignified and no one wins. 

I've had fights over a woman, it never turns out well.  I used to date a woman named Sarah.  A pretty redhead who was very high-maintenance and prickly at times.  We went out with an old friend one night and he proceeded to get drunk.  Sarah didn't like my friend pretty much from the get go.  She let me know it and wanted me to ditch him so we could go somewhere else together.  At first, I was reluctant, I mean, you shouldn't let a woman dictate your friends, right?  But then he continued to drink and got really hammered.  At one point, Sarah had had enough and frankly told him to beat it.  My friend took offense and proceeded to call her several "bad" names.  I didn't want to beat the crap out of my friend, but I was really pissed.  I mean, truly furious.  I simply told my friend, what he did was unacceptable and that we were through.

About six months later, Sarah and I were through.  I haven't spoken to my friend since that incident nearly eight years ago.  So, I guess we all lost, except Sarah, who ended up in a happy relationship with someone else.  So, you see, no one wins when you fight over a woman.

Anyway, once the fight is over, a little time has passed and everyone is sober, it's time for the actual apology, bachelor-style!

Dude, my bad:

Chuckle if you want, but I've actually apologized using those exact words.  And it worked, because...well, because guys are simple.  In fact, when it comes to the Bachelor Apology, the fewer words and less emotion involved, the better. 

Here is an example of a typical B.A.

Joe - Hey, uh...I'm uh....
John - Yeah, I know...ummm...whatever.
Joe - No, I mean it, I uhhh...you know.
John - It's cool.  I'm...you know...I'd never really...
Joe - Yeah.
John - So, let's just...
Joe - Totally over.  I just...I mean, my bad, dude.
John - So we're good?
Joe - We're good.

See how simple that was?  No actual sentences.  More like a jumble of unfinished phrases and thoughts.  What you couldn't see was the handshake that follows it at the end, or the man-hug afterwards.  This is a lot like other "deep" conversations that men have.  few words, but the meaning gets across somehow.

In the end, being a man, being a bachelor has its advantages.  You can express entire thoughts and feelings in the span of two minutes and fifteen words.  The problem comes when you're SO used to expressing entire thoughts in broken phraseology, that you struggle to communicate with women who, for some odd reason, require you to speak in full sentences.

Of course you can't apologize to a woman like this, but that's what bachelor friends are for.  So you don't HAVE to use your words, at least when you don't want to.