We've all seen the clips, read the quotes, watched in horror, amazement and a kind of morbid curiosity as actor Charlie Sheen performs one of the most epic flameouts of all time. I mean, this isn't a get drunk and trash a hotel room as a washed up rock n roll star flameout. It isn't even the, get caught in a public bathroom performing oral sex kind of implosion that seems so popular with government and various church officials.
Would you like to see my "little Sheen?"
No, this road to ruin is unique. It has flair, it has some punch, it has style. It's the kind of self-destructive behavior last seen in the late 70's when Syd Vicious was busy tearing up the English countryside. Friends, this truly historic meltdown will go down in history as one of the great and memorable meltdowns. This is like Rome crumbling under the relentless barbarian hordes. This is..well...epic.
But with all of the twists, turns and bizarre plot points, bachelors all over can learn something very valuable from the Charlie Sheen supernova; and your friendly Bachelor Diaries is here to tell you what.
Growing Old Sucks:
Listen, I know that. You know that. We all know that. I JUST celebrated my 41st birthday two days ago. Still, age is really just a state of mind...blah blah blah. It's true, though. I don't feel 41. Sure, the knees ache sometimes, the hearing isn't what it used to be (although I attribute that to my radio days) and of course, hangovers take longer to recover from.
But for the most part, I still feel young and spritely. Well, if not spritely, at least healthy. But regardless of how a bachelor might feel, there are certain lines that get drawn as the years pile up. For instance, I don't go "clubbing" anymore. Not because I don't like the music, but because it just looks strange for a 41 year old man hanging out on the dance floor, drinking and watching the ladies dance.
Don't get me wrong, I still hit on the young ones from time to time, I just do it in a different way than I used to and in different venues. I know my limitations, I play to my strengths, I do what I can to hide my myriad of flaws. However, there is still a group of bachelors out there that refuse to acknowledge their age, flaws or weaknesses.
Subject number one, for your consideration...Mr. Charlie Sheen.
Let me state, for the record, that The Bachelor Diaries does NOT condone, in any way, violence against women, striking a woman, domestic abuse or any of that kind of thing. Hitting a woman doesn't prove you're a man, it makes you weak.
And as we know, Mr. Sheen has been accused of striking more than one woman in his life. That is deplorable and he should be punished for it if it is true. However when it comes to his philandering, drug use, alcohol consumption and liquor-fueled ramblings in the press is actually quite impressive.
It's almost admirable in the way that, for some reason, Sheen has lost all ability to edit the thoughts in his head before he spews them out for all the world to mock. And let's face it, sometimes that is not only funny, but downright refreshing.
Perhaps he's lashing out. Maybe he's lost his mind. I don't know and I don't care. I found a list of his more colorful quotes from a recent L.A. Times article. I love the fact that he says things like, "
Mid-Life Meltdown:
"I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. [I survived] because I'm me. I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs.""The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards -- all of them -- look like droopy-eyed, armless children."
"Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words –- imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists."
"I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
"They can’t hang with me, their bones would melt like wax."
"I'm an F-18 bro and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground."
"That was an old brain. I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year old."
Okay, that last one is kind of a WTF moment. But the other quotes. I mean, COME ON! Comparing yourself to an F-18? Calling out Sinatra and Jagger, perhaps the gnarliest partiers of all time? Saying you have "fire-breathing fists?" This is the stuff of legend, folks, legend!
You have to admire a man who has slept with some of the most attractive women in Hollywood, isn't afraid to say anything to anyone, drinks, parties leaves a trail of ruin in his wake and then steps up to the mic. to brag about it...loudly.
There's just one problem. Mr. Sheen looks desperate, he looks lost, he looks out of place. If he were 21 and running rampant like this, movies would be made, books would be written, he'd be chiseled into the annals of mythical figures, joining the likes of Vicious, Morrison, Moon, Dean.
With any luck he'd die at the bottom of a pool before his edge wore off and became a sad figure of what he once was. The strange thing...Sheen has seemingly done it backwards. After being essentially a child movie star, Sheen has shed his good boy image and it feels like he's trying to recapture his lost youth.
It all stinks of mid-life crisis, and that's the problem. Again, I get a thrill when a man walks forward and challenges all comers. When he says his fists are fire-breathing, when he says he parties harder than anyone and then goes out and proves it. For some bachelors, that's the ultimate goal. It's the bad boy that we have all dreamed of being and who we think all women want. Of course there's something sexy in a man with that kind of confidence, that kind of freedom of thought and spirit. He's dangerous and let's face it, some women find dangerous sexy.
That's all well and good, too. But not when you're in your 50's. Not when you have children who depend on you. Not when you have family reputation and real responsibilities on the line. If Sheen wants to look at someone who did it the right way, he doesn't have to look far. He simply needs to take a glance at another "Brat-Pack-er" Robert Downey Jr.
Downey, raised hell, he got hooked on drugs, committed crimes, went to jail, abused alcohol, trashed hotel rooms, slept with starlets and basically did everything he could to ruin his career and end his life. But he did it when he was still relatively young. Now that he's a bit..."aged" he's pulled his shit together and is heading down the road to being a more refined, respectable and graceful bachelor.
And that's the point, I guess to this post. Sure, it's okay to look at Sheen and point and laugh. But there's a part of most bachelors who admires his gumption, his fire and his egotism, even while they deplore his actions against women. But we wince a bit every time he spouts more drivel. Not because what he says isn't true, or may be offensive to some. No, we wince because it's a bit embarrassing. He's acting like a spoiled 22 year old instead of like a grown man. Bravado only goes so far as an adult. At some point it needs to be replaced with a quiet confidence, otherwise you're little more than a loud teenager yelling into the night looking for attention.
The Classics:
Look at the bachelors who carry the flag for the aging single man. Wayne, Grant, Heffner, Hugh Grant. They all had flaws, they all made awful mistakes along the way. But as they grew older, they didn't go screaming into the abyss. They spoke with strong, carefully chosen words to get their point across. Even Sinatra and Martin continued to party long after they should have hung up the martini glasses, but they did it with class.
That's why they'll be remembered forever as bachelor legends. I'm not saying you have to stop living the bachelor life. It's just that, like everything else, things change a bit as you grow older. The rules are a little different. You gain more freedoms here, you lose some advantages there. It balances out in the end, but you have to pay attention to the signs.
I threw a party this past weekend for my birthday. It was a nice, small-ish gathering of friends. We had drinks, we played "shuffle-beer" and I stayed up until 5am. I got a few noise complaints, but the cops never showed. Compared to my 30th birthday party, where arrests were made, things were broken and relationships altered forever, I would say my latest birthday bash was a bit more civilized, a bit more in keeping with my age. And I'm okay with that.
They say that with age comes wisdom. Clearly, Sheen is a walking illustration showing that isn't necessarily true. Maybe he's the exception that proves the rule. Maybe not. Maybe he's just being a "guy's guy" and he actually believes this is how men his age should act. I can't tell you what is going through his mind.
I do know that, were I in his shoes, I probably would take time to fly to the Bahamas or the French Riviera, boink some classy French actresses, brunettes, with the Cleopatra haircut and rosy cheeks, and try to enjoy my later bachelor years with a little less commotion. But that's just me. I only hope that when the time comes, I don't find myself in a tiny red sports car, bragging that my partying would "melt your bones to wax" and skydiving to get one more adrenaline rush. I hope my mid-life crisis, when it comes, and I'm sure it will, will be a bit more graceful than that.
I will, however begin referring to my fists as "fire breathing dragons." I mean, that's just cool.
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