Stupid Men Tricks

Okay folks, riddle me this:  What is the world record for quarters stuck in a person's nose?  If you guessed 18, you are correct.  You win nothing except the pity of your friends for actually knowing that.  How about the record number of backflips on a pogo stick?  The number of cobras kissed on the head without being bitten?  The record for number of live cockroaches inside a human mouth at one time?  Or how about the record for being hit by a paintball?

Answers: 9, 16, 12 and 114, in order.

Besides all being world records, what else do you think all of these things have in common?  If you guessed unbelieveable stupidity, you would be correct.  If you also guessed they are all records held by men, you win again!  Give that person a kewpie doll!

In case you haven't guessed by now, it's a fairly quiet Thursday night and I'm watching "World's Dumbest" on TV.  I have to admit, it's a guilty pleasure of mine.  So much so, that I TIVO it, along with "The Soup" and "Aqua Teen Hunger Force."  What can I say, I like mindless TV sometimes.  Now, I've seen this show a bunch of times, It makes me laugh.  But for some reason I was watching tonight and I was hit by a sudden epiphany. 

 13 live cockroaches in my mouth? Yeah, it's cool.  Can you believe I'm still single?

Men are idiots.

Women don't stick quarters up their noses.  Women don't try to jump over rivers in a jet-powered Lincoln Continental.  Women don't put cockroaches in their mouths.  And for this I am very, very happy.  Listen, men are stupid enough for both genders, we don't need women trying to outdo us in the dumb department.  Besides you have the bitchy thing.  We let you have that, let us be stupid.

Those who know me know that I have long stated that men are idiots.  It's what we do, it's our superpower.  I have no problem admitting it.  But I DO have a problem explaining why, we're such idiots.  I've been asked more than once why men are sto stupid.  Generally, I just laugh and mutter something under my breath and then say something about the moon and tidal forces and the ill effects of disco liesure suits.

Honestly, I have no answer to that question.  It's like asking why dogs bark at squirrels or why cats are evil.  Some things just are and you have to deal with it.  As a man and a bachelor, I've had to come to grips with this sad bit of natural truth.  For instance, I KNOW that no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, or how careful I am, I'm going to do something really, really stupid.  The stupidity is often increased by a factor of ten when I'm in a relationship. 

Fortunately, I'm comforted by knowing all of my bachelor brothers are probably being just as stupid as I am.  And honestly, ladies, we don't know why we do the things we do.  Why do we forget your birthday, or the restaurant of our first date or that we shouldn't have stayed out until 4am with our secretary?  We don't think about it, we just stumble blissfully ignorant through our lives just waiting for the next stupid thing we're going to do.  Sometimes we even wonder why we're doing the stupid thing WHILE WE'RE DOING IT.  But that doesn't stop us.  Hell no! 

If it makes you feel any better, it's not something we do just to piss you off.  In fact, it's not something we learned how to do when we suddenly hit puberty and decided that risking life and limb was not only a good idea, but an imperative to entering manhood.

I'll use myself as an example.  In my lifetime I have done the following stupid things:

1.  Fell down the stairs, broke my arm, and told doctors my aunt pushed me
2.  Stood on a hill while my family was target shooting
3.  Fell down said hill and cut my wrist from pinkie to arm.  I still have the scar
4.  Jumped off a jungle gym and broke my arm
5.  Actually inhaled the spring from a pen.  Doctors had to take it out of my lung
6.  Swallowed ball bearing on a dare
7.  Have eaten various strange plants and bugs, on a dare
8.  Skateboarded behind a car and received a concussion
9.  Climbed the bookcases in elementary school and threw paper airplanes at the teacher
10. Shoplifted
11. Nearly burned my house down while playing with fire (broke the TV)
12. Cheated (especially at board games...if you're not cheating, you're not trying)
13. Cheated on a college girlfriend
14. Became the reason KOA has a no drinking policy at work
15. Broken a xerox machine by xeroxing my ass (but NOT the one I got blamed for)
16. Jumped from the roof of a house onto my flagpole
17. Jumped from the roof of a house into a tree
18. Driven 110 miles an hour, lost my license
19. Randomly taken road trips to California, Texas and Montana for no good reason and without 
      telling anybody
20. Challenged a man twice my size to a fistfight, which I promptly lost

I'm stopping at 20, because, well, because it's getting a little embarrassing.  Don't think this is a comprehensive list.  Just think of this as a highlight reel of just SOME of "Chris's dumbest moments." 

Each time I'd do something stupid, someone, usually a family member would ask me, "What the hell were you thinking?!?"  My response was, "ummmm...errrr...uhhhh...I dunno, just 'cause." 

To be honest, I HAVE given some thought to why men have mastered the art of stupidity.  Sometimes we do stupid things to impress women.  Of course, we don't know at the time that being stupid is actually one of the dumbest ways to impress a woman.  Sometimes we do things on a dare, because our friends are cheering us on and we just CAN'T back down if people are cheering us, right?

I mean, even while my family was berating me, right behind them, my friends were usually snickering and high-fiving and giving me a big thumbs up as if to say, "right on, man!"


It's In The Genes:

Of course, I'm not a doctor, so I have absolutely no scientific proof, but I think the answer lies somewhere in genetics.  How else can you explain our fascination with monkeys, or things that blow up, or games that involve brutal bodily injury and/or scratching and spitting? 

Why else would a man fart loudly while having Christmas dinner at his girlfriend's parents house and then nearly burst a blood vessel trying not to laugh too loudly.  We know that women mature faster than men, but as I go through life, I have made several observations that prove, to me at least, that while women might mature faster, men simply have a hard time maturing at all.

Yes, we might dress up in a tuxedo for a gala event, but that won't stop us from puking in the planter outside the restaurant later that night.  We might say and do all the right things for a little while, but eventually, like the sun rising in the East and setting in the West, we're going to falter.

It just HAS to be genetic, or biological.  It's something inherent in us men to be stupid, generally at the worst possible time.  It's easy to understand why a 14 year old boy might crush up a packet of smarties and then snort them while the rest of the boys giddily stand around cheering him on.  My friend Travis did that.  He was never really the same after that.

But it's another thing for a grown man to look at a bottle of Tabasco sauce and wonder how fast he can drink it.  But we do.  For some reason, while women evolved into graceful, beautiful rational life forms, men remained somewhat nearer to our glorious ape ancestry.  We're often violent, irrational, smelly, burpy, surly creatures that often act without thinking. 

And I know women do stupid things to.  like Guenevere sleeping with Lancelot, or Juliet killing herself (I mean, really, was he worth it?), or Sarah Palin just being Sarah Palin.  But really, the ratio is so enormously on the side of men it's almost astronomical.  There's, like, one stupid woman act for every one million stupid man act.  It's almost inconsequential. 

In summary, I still don't know why men are such idiots.  Like I said, it has something to do with genes, or apes or moon tidal forces.  I just don't know.  But I do know this.  I'm okay with it. 

It's kind of like a female friend of mine.  She's crazy.  She's high maintenance.  I seriously want to give her boyfriend a medal.  But I love her to death.  Yes, she's crazy, and she drives me crazy and she sometimes drives the rest of our cast crazy.  But you know what?  It's okay. 

It's okay because, 1) She's not, like, homicidal crazy.  2) She embraces her crazy.

People who understand who they are and know their flaws are the best kind of people.  You can forgive them their faults when they embrace them because, well, they're just being who they are.  You have to respect that.  I wish more men would embrace their stupidity.  Too often we try to explain it away or make excuses or try to hide it.  I ask why?  Why not just embrace the fact that at some point, if you're a bachelor, heck, if you're a man, you're going to do something incredibly stupid sometime.  And then follow that thought up with the knowledge that after that, you'll do something stupid again.

It's Not The Same:

Just a quick note as I wrap this up.  I'm not talking about the kind of stupidity that comes with drinking too much.  That's a whole speical kind of dumb.  Plus, while stupidity while being male is forgiveable, stupidity while drunk normally isn't.  Just because you drank half a bottle of tequila doesn't give you permission to be more stupid than usual.  It happens, but apologizing for doing something dumb while you were three sheets to the wind isn't the same as apologizing for being a sober male and still thinking that your head will fit throught those stairway slats.

So ladies, relax.  I know I've said this before, but I felt it needed to be said again.  No matter who you're dating, or how good of a guy he might be, just know that at some point he's going to come home with a used dirt bike and want to go out "jumping things" with his buddies.

There's a reason why there are no women in the Jackass crew.  Women are too smart for that.  All you can do is sigh and try to love your man no matter how dumb he might get sometime.  I have a good friend who is married to a smart, professional man.  They have two children.  He's a computer whiz or something like that.  Well read and cultured, spent time in Africa with the Peace Corps.  A few years ago, he called me up and wanted to me to come over to help them film them jump there car over life-sized dummy in their alley.  That was to be followed by an egg-eating contest, followed by a farting contest. 

These are grown, adult, smart family men.  At one point, I looked at my friend and smiled and just said, "hey, it's boys being boys."  To which she responded, "I know, that's why I'm not upset.  I have to allow for his dumb-ass moments from time to time."

And THAT'S the correct response.  Hey, we let you blow things all out of proportion sometimes.  We go to your mom's house with minimal complaining, we change the light bulbs and kill spiders (except for me, I don't do spiders) without getting upset.  So give us our stupidity, please.  We'll embrace it and you can tell all your friends that you're the smart one in the relationship.  Trust me, they'll believe it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the hospital to have a quarter removed from my nose.

The Art of the Pick-Up

Okay all you Bachelorettes, it's time to step up to the plate.  This one is directed at all of you ladies out there who have had to resist the utter craziness of some drunk frat boy hitting on you in a crowded bar.  Or the insanity of a self-proclaimed charmer trying to "get your digits" while all you want to do is catch up on your book of the week reading.

The art of the "pick-up" isn't dead, it's just hiding in a cave somewhere in the hills of L.A. until another sexual revolution rears its promiscuous head.  In today's world where sometimes the woman wears the pants in the relationship, it's rare to find a guy who really, REALLY understands how to "pick-up" a woman.

"Hi, I'm Robert, I do drugs, will you sleep with me?"

And I'm not talking about the end-of-the-night, desperation hook up where both parties are more than a little tipsy and just looking for someone to spend the night with because of their crippling fear of going home alone for a fifth straight Friday night.  That's not a pick-up, that's a train wreck.

No, I'm talking about the real art of seeing someone you are intitially attracted to, someone who is a complete stranger, and going up, talking to them and establishing a rapport that, at the very least leads to a friendship, if not a little bit of the slap and tickle.

Oh Molly, Where Are You?

Think back, my friends to a little gem of a movie called, oddly enough, "The Pick Up Artist".  First, you have to understand that I'm a huge Robert Downey Jr. fan.  If he's in a movie, I'll probably go see it.  If the movie sucks, I'll probably blame the actress opposite him, the writer or the director.  I'll even focus my wrath on the best boy and the gaffer if I have to; anything to avoid blemishing my unadulterated admiration for Mr. Downey Jr. 

I enjoyed that movie, and not just because it felt like I was growing up right along with Robert and teen squeeze Molly Ringwald.  It was a tentative exploration of life after high school and some of the issues we have to deal with when it comes to relationship and blah blah blah. 

Actually, I liked it because if I remember correctly, Molly got kind of naked and I learned how to try and pick up a chick.  Seriously, at the time, I approached it like an educational documentary.  Taking notes, studying film, practicing the right inflections and timing of the perfect pick up line.

Sad to say, I never really perfected the art of the pick up.  Frankly, I'm not sure most men do.  Like anything else, it requires years of practice and dedication to the art.  You have to fail before you walk and then walk before you can run, and honestly, most men just don't have that kind of self discipline.  But some guys ARE good at it.  Not coincidentally, these guys also look like Brad Pitt and George Clooney.  I realized my superpower rested in the slower approach.  Get to know the girl over several years time and then, after they've exhausted all other alternatives, be the last one standing so she HAS to date you.  Hey, it works for me.

But I decided to ask some bachelors over the weekend if they've ever used a pick-up line and whether it was successfull.  Obviously, every bachelor I asked has at least tried a pick up line at one point or another.  I'm going to highlight three of the answers I got over the weekend, not using their real names of course, to protect the innocent. 

But before I get there, I have to qualify something.  There are really two kinds of pick up lines.


1.  The ridiculous, "lets have sex" line
2.  The sincere, "I want to strike up a conversation" line

There is a huge difference.  You know the first kind of line.  It's the awful lines that, really, I think have only been used in B-movies.  Lines like:

(him)"Did it hurt?" 
(her) "Did what hurt?" 
(him) "When you fell from heaven."

Or the always popular, "The sky must be missing a couple of stars, cause I think they're in your eyes."
Or, "Why do birds suddenly appear...?"

In fact, I think most awful pick up lines are actually used as choruses for cheesy love songs.  Then of course there are the actual pick-up lines you might really hear at a bar or a coffee shop, or in line at the local Whole Foods (hey, I live in Colorado, by law we're only allowed to buy food at health food stores, King Soopers, and safeway are for banking, buying light bulbs and filling your prescriptions).

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly:

Anway, I digress, again.  These lines are basically conversation starters.  In fact AskMen.com listed the top 10 pick up lines based on their chances of success.  And because I'm a good guy, I'm going to show them to you.  So...here they are from ten to one:


10: "Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
9: "Would you like to dance?"
8: "Can I interest you in a glass of..?"
7: "Do you come here often?  I could use your opinion on something..."
6: "Excuse me, can you help me with...?"
5: "Dont' you find this place...?" (cool, classy, chic, off the hook, something positive)
4: "You look like you might be interested in some great conversation."
3: "Would you like an escort to your..." (table, elevator, the bar...NOT her apartment)
2: "Wow! I really like that (insert item of clothing or fragrance) you're wearing."
1: "I just thought you should know that you have a really nice..." (whatever you say, don't say ass or set of knockers)

That's a fine list.  Although I think number 4 would be hilarious to actually hear a guy try on a woman. Some are obvious like asking them to dance, or asking them if they want a drink or simply asking if a seat is taken.  Most of them involve flattery of some kind as well, which, I've found can make a woman uncomfortable if you lay it on too thick.  This is where the art comes in, knowing how to read her reactions and adjust accordingly.

I'll get back to this list but first I want to relay the answers from our panel of bachelors.  All three of these guys are younger than I am, although one isn't much younger, while another is significantly younger.  The third is kind of in-between.  Here are some real life pick up lines used by real life bachelors and how they worked.

Subject 1 - "John"
Age 22: Occupation, student.
"John" fancies himself as a bit of a ladies man.  When I met him, he was with a woman he had met just a few days earlier, an attractive 21 year old redhead with freckles and great legs.  When I asked him if he'd ever used a pick up line, he just laughed and pointed to his date saying, "I used one on her."  I asked him what he said, and he replied with this little classic: "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" (oddly enough, this one is listed as one of the worst pick up lines ever at the pickup artists website.)

I have to admit, I chuckled a bit, even as I was gagging on my beer.  I didn't have to ask if he was successful since he was with her at the bar.  He Did say that she initially rolled her eyes and started to walk away.  But he said he noticed she had giggled and was smiling so he took that as a sign to pursue her.  I chalked it up to the fact that she was so young that maybe she hadn't heard many pick up lines.  Or maybe she was just physically attracted to the guy.  Either way, I asked him if he generally used such crappy pick up lines.

He replied, "Yeah, I use really bad lines, just to break the ice.  I'm a goofy guy so I use my sense of humor to get them to laugh, and it works."  Clearly.  "Most of the time they can tell I'm just messing around and having fun.  Sometimes, though it doesn't work and I figure I don't want to be with her anyway if she doesn't have a sense of humor."

Of course I'm paraphrasing, but that was, essentially what he said.  Trust me.  I understood what he said, and his technique, while not textbook, seemed to work for him.  We then armwrestled and I lost, which is probably why he can get away with using cheesy pick up lines and be successfull.


Subject 2 - "Sam"
Age 30:  Occupation, Video Editor.
At 30 years old, "Sam" says he's moved past the point of using pick up lines for the most part.  He's looking for a more long term relationship after just getting out of a two year relationship.  He said he used to use pick up lines all the time, mostly without success.  Although he considers himself pretty successfull using pick up lines, he doesn't consider them pick ups.  He looks at them more like conversation starters, which, the best pick up lines are. 

He said he had tried a pick up line a few days earlier at a restaurant.  He was eating at the breakfast bar and an attractive woman sat nearby.  He was reading the paper, she was reading the paper and at one point, he leaned over and asked for the salt and pepper (after hiding the shakers directly in front of him).  "I did that just to guage if she had any interest in me," he said.  "Sam" says she made eye contact with him and held it for just a lingering second, which he says gave him the courage to use a more direct line.

"I leaned over and made a comment about the newspaper headline, it was about the education bill or something.  I mentioned that I thought teachers were underpaid and tried to make a joke that they should get combat pay or something stupid like that.  She just looked at me and kind of smiled but didn't say anything.  So I said something about wanting to be a teacher once but I ended up behind a camera, women usually perk up when I say I shoot video, but she literally turned her back to me, swivelled around on the stool and I took the hint."

"Sam says he finds that the best pick up lines are small talk starters and that it's not just the lines, it's the approach and the location.  "You have to be somewhere where the woman is open to talking to strangers and making small talk.  Then you can find something in common and go from there. 

Smart guy, this "Sam."


Subject 3 - "Harry"
Age: 38: Occupation, IT specialist.
"Harry" and I go way back.  We used to work together some time ago and we still keep in touch.  We had lunch on Sunday and I broached th subject of pick up lines to him.  He immediately grunted and stuffed his face with his Reuben.  "Harry" was married once, divorced a few years ago and is just now getting back into the game.  And while "Harry" makes a good living and women have said he's an attractive guy, he's never had much luck with women.  He's a good guy, but kind of humorless.  I thought, who better to ask about pick up lines than a guy who could seriously use a good one to meet Mrs. Right.

Here is his reply:  "I only have one pick up line if you can call asking a woman to dance a pick up line.  I like to dance, I'm not a bad dancer.  I figure if I can get them dancing, I at least have a shot at a date.  Plus, you don't have to do a lot of talking while you dance.  Plus I smell good (seriously, he said this) and women like how I smell, I just have to get them close to me.  It doesn't always work.  I asked a woman to dance with me last week and she said no, but not like a regular no, it was like a 'HELL NO' which pissed me off and ruined the rest of my night...bitch."

It's A Different Kind Of Art:

So, there you go, a random sampling and insight into the strange and disturbing mind of three bachelors. 

I find as I get older, I know my style and my strengths and weaknesses better and better.  I don't use pick up lines per say, but I DO like to use conversation starters, which I have found to be pretty effective.

And while I could give a list of rules describing what makes a good pick up line and a bad pick up line, what circumstances enhance the success of your pick up line and such; I won't do that.  I won't because, and here's the secret, the lines themselves have very little to do with the success or failure of the pick up.  It has more to do with confidence and personality and general attractiveness than the words you say.

So with that said, I'll leave you with this little bit of advice from the AskMen site.  If you want to be a pick up artist keep the following words in mind the next time you approach a stranger at a party or a bar or a coffee shop prepared to sweep her off her feet with your dazzling display of loquaiciousness.

Just remember: Being cheesy isn’t cute and will get you dismissed faster than she can bat an eyelash. On the other hand, being clever and confident with your delivery can get you to the next level. If flattery remains your point of action, make sure not to lay it on too thick. Compliments should be delicate and poured on lightly to ensure their staying power. The objective is to create a conversation starter that best reveals your interest and your intent.

Maybe we should call it the conversation-starter artist.  I like that. That's an art I think even I could be pretty decent at. 

Ladies, now it's your turn.  Tell me about all of your awful pick up lines that you've heard, or relay the pick up lines that actually got your attention and worked.  I know the guy's point of view on this one, but what about you?  Do YOU use pick up lines?  Dish, baby.  You know what to do. 

Oh, and by the way, I think you have a really nice....uh....nevermind.

Etiquette, People!

First, I must make an apology.  For those of you who followed my old blog, years ago, this might be a bit of a rehash.  For those of you who are brand new, or missed my last blog, stick around, this is gonna get good.

It has been a bit quiet since my little four day adventure a couple of weeks ago.  Not too much going on, just biding my time as we prepare for a number of Hit n Run shows coming up over the next couple of months.  But I did have a wonderful discussion on Saturday as I was catching a ride to a friend's babeque that I thought I'd pass along. 

Just follow the rules and no one will get hurt, okay?

And here's the great thing, it's a topic that I think everyone, male or female can relate to, even though the approaches are COMPLETELY different.  Yes, I'm talking about bathroom etiquette, folks.

Why is this such an important topic to cover, you might ask?  I'll tell you why.  Because there are rules.  And while most rules are meant to be broken, when it comes to bathroom etiquette, the rules are there for a reason and heaven help the individual that decides to go all rogue and break the bathroom rules.

Private vs. Public:

Of course, we have to admit that there are really two types of bathrooms here.  There's the private bathroom, the one in your home or your significant others' home, and then there's the public bathroom.  The important thing to remember is this: while the rules are pretty straightforward across the lines, there are some differences when dealing with these two types of bathrooms.

Let's tackle the public bathroom first.  To be fair, I have to mention that I'm speaking strictly from a male point of view here, and I would desperately love to hear from some women who can give me some insight to the rules in the women's public restrooms.

When it comes to men's public restrooms there's really only one rule you have to be aware of, but it's a really, REALLY important rule:

1.  NO TALKING

There you go.  If you follow this rule whenever you're in a men's public restroom, you'll do just fine.  Now, like all rules, there ARE some exceptions, although I don't like them, they exist and they must be acknowledged.

It's okay to talk if you're at the sink washing your hands.  And it's okay to talk if you're waiting for a stall in a line with other men who are also waiting for a stall.  Plus, it's kind of okay to talk if you're in a public restroom at a sports stadium, however you MUST be talking about the game at hand and nothing else if you insist on talking there.


The Bathroom Call:

I can't tell you exactly how the conversation in the car started, but somehow the other man in the car and I began discussing the useage of cellphones in a mens' public restroom.  This brought up an entirely different set of rules that also must be addressed.

First, it doesn't matter if you're on a cellphone or not, there should be absolutely NO talking while actually using the head in a public bathroom.  It's pretty much strictly verboten!  However, as the fellow I was with correctly pointed out, there are really two types of cellphone discussions that take place in a men's public bathroom.


1.  The unexpected call.
2.  The bragging call.

Men can tell when you receive a phone call that you didn't expect.  It's usually from a family member, a girl or a really drunk friend.  We get it.  You didn't expect the phone call, and we can usually tell that you don't really want to be on the phone at the time.  These kind of discussions are generally okay because the one in the bathroom does a lot of grunts or mono-syllabic responses like, "yeah" or "okay" or "sure".  The other men in the bathroom aren't happy about it, but we understand and besides, it's not like you're having some deep conversation that we have to listen to, so we can go about our business without being too disturbed.

The bragging call, however is a completely different story.  These are the guys who are doing most of the talking in the conversation, talking about the girl they're with, or who they wish they were with or someone they saw who they hope they can be with later.  This kind of call is uber-annoying and completely unacceptable. 

And if your cellphone rings while you're IN the public restroom, don't you DARE answer it.  In fact, as a rule, most cellphone calls should be handled outside the restroom.  If you're on the phone and you have to pee, stand outside as long as you can humanly bear it and then go in only if your bladder is about three seconds from actually exploding.

The thing is, men just don't like to talk in the bathroom.  We're used to the bathroom being our own private time.  So having to share the bathroom with other men is already awkward and uncomfortable.  The last thing we need is to have to carry on a conversation or listen to others have a conversation while we're trying to do our business.

Often times I will be in the middle of a discussion with a friend who also just happens to be going to the bathroom at the same time and I will seriously stop the conversation as we step into the restroom, and then resume it once we've left.  It's just common courtesy.  Now, I have been known to see someone I know in the restroom while I'm in there and at the most we'll acknowledge each other with the basic head nod and say something softly like, "hey" or "what's up?" and leave it at that.


So to recap, here are the basic rules or etiquette for men's public restrooms:


1.  No Talking
2.  If you have to talk, do it only at the sink or while waiting in line for a stall.
3.  No talking to yourself, even.  It's creepy and annoying.
4.  No talking on the cellphone unless absolutely necessary.  Talk outside the bathroom if you can.
5.  Talking at a sports venue is marginally okay, but you have to be talking about the game.
6.  No singing, whistling or looking around while using a public restroom.
7.  Never EVER make a phone call or answer a phone call while using a public restroom.
8.  Never continue a conversation from outside the bathroom, save until you're finished.
9.  You can acknowledge a friend in the restroom, but no touching or conversations.
10. Never, EVER talk between stalls.  That's just wrong!

Just Do It:

I won't get into the psychology of these rules.  They are what they are.  And they are fairly  universal.  I've heard stories, real horror stories, about the women's public restrooms in the places where I hang out.  Stories involving long discussions about boys, or other women or clothes, or hair, whatever, apparently women like to talk in the bathroom. 

As a man and a bachelor I can honestly say, I don't get that.  Going to the bathroom is like going to work.  You don't necessarily want to be there, but you have to go, so make it as short and sweet as possible with the fewest distractions you can muster.  Plus, apparently women like to vomit in the public restroom.  I can honestly say in the two decades I've been going to bars and getting drunk, I have only seen one man actually puke in a public restroom. 

Sure, we might barf on the dance floor, or in the plant in the corner or on the street somewhere, but for some reason we don't generally puke in the public restroom.  We might pass out there, but oddly, throwing up just isn't generally on the menu.  And when we do, we almost always hit the toilet or sink.  I've seen the end results of someone throwing up in the public restroom a couple of times, but it's always in the sink or toilet (okay, once in the urinal, but that was a friend's 21st birthday and...well, it's a long story).

From what I hear, women just throw up willy nilly all over the women's public restroom.  That seems odd to me.  yeah, we might pee on the floor more than is normally accepted, but we almost always hit our target if we're throwing up somewhere. 

The woman driving the car defended womankind saying that women's bathrooms aren't all social clubs where women go to chat with friends out of earshot of those annoying men.  but then she mentioned that she knows women who will actually talk between stalls.  I think I got a little dizzy at that moment just trying to imagine what would happen if two men started talking between stalls in a men's public restroom.  I honestly think someone would explode.

Home is where the head is:

Now, the home bathroom is a different beast, but the rule still applies.  There really isn't a lot of talking, if any at all, in a bachelor's bathroom.  When I was younger and living with a woman, she loved to talk.  We'd take separate showers, but one of us would often be in the bathroom while the other was showering or we'd both be using the sink as we got ready for our day.  She would chat and make jokes and try to get me to talk to her. 

Two points:  First, I'm not a morning person, so I don't usually like to talk first thing in the morning.  Second, it's a bathroom, it's not a lounge, it's not meant for talking, it's meant for doing your business and getting out of there.

it was a real bone of contention in our relationship for a while, until I explained to her what the rules were.  After that she didn't try to talk to me through the door while I was on the toilet reading a book or the paper, and she didn't try to continue a conversation while she was in there doing what she needed to do.  Again, that's just not right.

When I was dating a gal a while ago, she spent a lot of time at my place.  I have to say that my apartment was never cleaner and my bathroom never sparkled more than when I was dating her.  But I can clearly remember, about two months in, when I walked into my bathroom one morning and there, on my sink was her toothbrush and hair gel, some makeup and some feminine hygiene products.  I admit I freaked a little. 

To a bachelor, the bathroom is like his personal mancave.  It's his private sanctuary from the outside world.  He can go in there to think or read or even take a nap.  Seriously, I have napped in a bathroom many times.  Yes, my butt falls asleep, but it was a small price to pay.  I have even gone into my bathroom to simply think and clear my head when I've been alone in my own apartment.  To a bachelor the bathroom is like Superman's Fortress of Solitude. 

No one can touch you in there, no can bother you or make you do something you don't want to do. It's just you, and the toilet and your thoughts.  So to have a woman suddenly start to take over by placing her personal products on your sink, well, it's like a signal that she's starting to take over.  If you're relationship has evolved that far, then, okay.  But if it happens suddenly, it's a shock and it can prove to be a major bump in an otherwise smooth relationship road.

So women, be careful about what you do when dealing with a bachelor and his bathroom.  It's a sensitive area and one that should not be messed with.  I would go so far as to say that if and when you get into a relationship with a bachelor, check to see if he has two bathrooms, or just be careful about what you leave behind on his sink.

As always, I'm VERY interested in hearing from the women who read this blog.  Because I can't imagine that bachelorettes have decidedly different rules from bachelors when it comes to bathroom sanctity.  What are the rules in your world?  What are the do's and dont's you deal with both public and private?  Either way, it's important to keep in mind that there are rules when it comes to bathroom etiquette and while, as I said, rules are made to be broken...some rules are also simply meant to be obeyed.

Protocols, Rules, Regulations

So, before I get into today's entry.  I just have to say that I pushed a car today.  More accurately, I pushed MY car today.  Sadly, I don't have a nice, little Smart car or aluminum body vehicle.  No, I have a nice, heavy, 4x4 Chevy Blazer.  Here's a little tip for all you kind readers out there.  If you ever have to push a Chevy Blazer up a small incline, push with your legs and lean, I mean REALLY lean into the push.  Oh, and rocking also helps.  Needless to say, I have had my workout for the day.

Why won't you call me?  Hasn't it been three days yet?

Anyway, I'm actually here to talk about rules and protocols and all that fun stuff.  Now, those that know me, also know that I've never been a real stickler about following rules.  I tend to bend rules when I can  and break them outright when I shouldn't.  Rules are made to be broken, right?  Kind of like the rules of grammar, which my cousin so thoroughly enjoys hammering me with when discussing this blog.  Hey, I'm a published writer, a longtime journalist, I break the rules at my discretion, so...there.

Although my disregard for grammatical rules is probably a fascinating conversation I'm sure you'd all just love to listen to, I'm actually here to talk about the rules of dating and relationships.  Of course, I can't fit ALL the rules into one single blog entry, so at least for now, I'm just going to focus on the beginnings of relationships...and maybe the end, but we'll have to see about that.

Damn The Rules!

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I had a wonderful time with a bevy of beautiful women over the weekend and spilling into Monday night.  I had mentioned that I found myself interested in at least one of them.  I received a note asking me if I had actually asked this particular woman out on a date yet.  I hadn't, I still haven't.

Which leads me to the first rule under the microscope.  It's perhaps one of the most hallowed and revered of all bachelor codes and rules.  You all know it, so say it along with me; I'm talking about the "Three Day Rule."  For those of you who might have been living in a cave for the past 50 years, that's when a bachelor waits three days to call a woman he just met to ask them out on a date. 

Honestly, I've never really adhered very well to this rule.  Often, when I meet someone I like or who grabs my interest, I will ask them out that night.  Plus, I really have a hard time asking a woman out over the phone.  Call it the old fashioned in me, but I just beleive in doing important things like asking a woman out face to face. 

Of course, things change with every passing day, and now, men and women are asking each other out on the phone, over texts, on Tweets on Facebook.  All of which is about as romantic as sending a carrier pigeon to ask a woman out.  Actually, I take that back.  A carrier pigeon is more romantic becaue it shows you liked her enough to actually train a pigeon to carry her a message.

I don't know, maybe it's me, but it seems like texting a woman with the following message, "hey baby, wanna go out sometime?" seems a little impersonal, way too casual and, frankly a bit insulting.  Of course I know I'm starting to sound like one of those octogenarians who sit on their porch in a rocking chair and a wooden cane cursing at those damn kids to get off his lawn.

But I prefer to do something like as a woman out in person.  It just feels more, well, personal.  Plus, here's another thing, I know a lot of bachelors that don't ask a girl out immediately upon meeting them.  Like me, they like to spend some time around a person to get to know them and make sure that the woman is someone who they really want to date.

Is There A Female Equivalent?

But I've always wondered how women feel about the three day rule.  I mean, it's not like it's a secret, right?  If you give your phone number to a guy you met in a crowded, darkened bar or nightclub, chances are you've been drinking a little as well, do you expect him to call you in three days?  What happens if he calls you the next day?  Is it really a sign of desperation?  Maybe he is just really interested.  What if, and this is something I do way too often, he waits beyond three days?  Is his window of opportunity closed? 

Do women have a similar three day rule?  I've always wondered about that.  I know that some women wait until at least the third date before they'll sleep with a guy, but what about during those first few days after just met the guy?  How do you feel about a text asking you out?  Do you prefer it to be done in person or is a phone call just as good?  So many questions, so few answers right now. 

I know why the three day rule is in effect.  If a guy calls a girl too soon after meeting them, they DO look desperate.  Two days after meeting a girl, still seems a little too eager.  Wait four days or longer and the girl forgets you and the magic has worn off, at least that's the theory.  Three, like the song says, is the magic number.

Whenever I think about this rule, I can't help but think about that scene from "Swingers" where the poor schlub meets a woman, gets her phone number and calls her immediately upon getting home.  Of course he gets the answering machine and leaves a message, which he can't finish because he's rambling.  So he calls her back, gets the machine, finishes his message.  But then he feels like an idiot, so he calls back, another message.  Then comes the remorse, another phone call, another message to apologize.  Of course, then he really feels stupid, so he calls back one last time, this time she answers in the middle of his message.  "Don't ever call me again" is all she says.

We've all done this at one point in our lives.  It's embarrassing and humiliating to think about, but when we're younger we do stupid things.  Maybe this is why the three day rule is in effect.  It gives the guy time to digest the first impression as well.  If he's still interested after three days, then it's worth calling, right?  Or at the very least, setting up another meeting.

There are a ton of rules that have to be followed in the initial stages of a developing relationship.  Or at least rules we're SUPPOSED to follow.  Simple things like not talking too much about yourself, holding a door open for a woman, waiting three days to call, not jumping in bed hours after meeting someone.  I would like to add another rule.  One that says no asking someone out via text or FB. 

End It Quickly, Like Pulling Off A Band-Aid:

This goes double for breaking up with someone.  I know I've mentioned that in the past I've simply let budding relationships die on the vine by not calling the woman back, even after I promised to do so.  Yes, this is a bit of a cowards way out, I admit it.  But It's just as cowardly to text someone to say, "Hey, baby, it's over....seeing someone new, have a nice life." 

Again, I say to all the bachelors, and bachelorettes out there, when it's over, or if it never was, or if it never will be, man up and say so, in person.  Trust me, I will do as I say in the future as well.  I have to point out, that, as a bachelor, I have always appreciated it when a woman tells me straight up that it's just not going to happen.  Like most bachelors, I appreciate the honesty. 

There was a woman I had a huge crush on a while ago.  I had known her for a probably eight months, maybe a year before asking her out.  I pushed and cajoled and prodded.  She knew I had a crush on her and my personality can be, well, a bit overpowering sometimes.  I got her to say yes to a date.  A single date.  We had both been drinking a little and afterwards, a bunch of us left the bar and went back to my place to wind down the evening. 

At one point while we were getting snacks at the 7-11 in my building, she came up to me and simply called the date off.  I didn't understand, I wasn't happy about it.  But later, she explained that she just never saw it going anywhere in the future and that it was probably a waste of time and that she didn't want to lead me on.  She just wanted to be friends.

I appreciated that, even though it hurt at the time, it was better than being led on.  We never really spoke much after that, and I never really see her anymore, which is fine.  At least the crush was nipped in the bud early.  Women, take a lesson from this situation.  If you're not interested in a guy, don't lead them on, don't give them your phone number, don't go out on a "harmless" date with him.  Say no, leave it at that and move on.  If he wants to be your friend afterwards, then fine.  If not, then at least you saved both of you some pain and drama you would have to inevitably have had to deal with down the road.

Now that's a rule everyone can live with.

From the mouth of babes

Hello kind readers.  I hope you are nice and warm as another May storm sweeps across Colorado.  It has been an adventurous few days since we were last together and I had a few very interesting conversations that I thought I'd pass along. 

Being a bachelor, I spend a lot of time talking to men about relationships.  Mostly it's reminiscing about previous conquests, talking about current relationships or wish-there-were relationships.  We rate the women we know in our lives, usually on scales involving beers or bedsheets or the traditional 1-10.  It's a bit like the "Hot Tub" game my friend Mere plays where you choose people to be in your hot tub, there are rules, and various types of hot tubs, at least there are when I play, but we won't get into that right now.

Confucious say: Women are like fortune cookies, full of secrets, but always delicious.

The point is, even though I have a number of female friends to talk about relationships with, and I do, the kind of laid-back, no-holds-barred kind of talk about women is generally reserved for when I'm with my guy friends.  But every now and then, I get a chance to get a peek into the mind of the female and let me tell you, it's a crazy, harrowing, yet exhillerating ride.

The fun started Friday night and continued through Monday afternoon.  In between there was a trip to Boulder, three murders, one dead truck (not part of the murer spree), two car rides home within the course of three hours, one less than a mile from my apartment, an impromptu fashion show, a reunion of sorts and ended some Dim Sum at a hidden gem on South Federal.  Whew, now I know why I need a break from my weekends.

To start from the beginning, it was a dark and cloudy night...  

Well, actually, it was a pretty quiet brisk Friday night and I went to go see a show opening at the theater I do improv at.  It was the first Friday I didn't have a show in nearly a year and I wanted to see the new one taking our place.  The show was fine.  The fun started afterwards, and I mean WAY afterwards, like four hours afterwards.  I had been at Rock Bottom having some drinks with friends and the party broke up around midnight.  The theater was having a late night show so I plodded the block and a half back to the Bovine and caught the last half hour of the show.

After the late night show ended, a handful of the performers and myself wandered upstairs to hang out with a few beers and chat the night away.  There were some women there, mostly in their early 20's, and one closer to my age.  All three are very attractive and two of them were getting pretty inebriated.  A few passes of a joint (really, a joint, one of the guys actually rolled a joint, it felt very much like college) the group was feeling pretty mellow.  I stuck with the beer.

Suddenly, the three women started talking about sex and relationships, but mostly about sex.  The guys in the room pretty much just sat back and took it all in.  Now, truth be told, of the four guys in the room, only one is in a committed relationship, and I use the term committed loosely.  He's dating a very pretty bar manager who likes to call people "darling", but not in a Russian vixen sort of way, where the a is all drawn out, like "daaaaahhhhling". 

As bachelors, we took the time to sit and listen to these women talk about some of their favorite bedroom activities, what they like men to do in bed and how they choose a potential sex-buddy.  Here is what I learned from their conversation:

1.  Apparently women like men who are aggressive in bed.  I felt pretty positive about myself after hearing this nugget.


2.  Toy, including, but not limited to, handcuffs, rope, dildo's and feathers are apparently much appreciated by women.


3.  If a woman doesn't want to sleep with you about a minute after meeting you, you're out of luck.  I kind of knew this already, but it's always good to get secondary confirmation.


4.  Women like strong arms, kind eyes and a good butt.  Well, two out of three ain't bad, right?


5.  Talking too much is a good way to kill the mood.


6.  Women also like to see other hot women kiss.  Again, I knew this, but, you know, confirmation.


7.  Not all women like to cuddle afterwards.

8.  Some women simply can't orgasm.


9.  I now know the ergoenous zone of three attractive women.


10.  Women are sometimes more choosy about who they pick to be a sex buddy than they are about who they date.

The evening broke up after one of the women, who I think clearly has a crush on one of the guys in the room, called it a night, followed quickly by the rest of the group.  I woke up the next morning with a bit of a hangover and had to get to rehearsal. 

Saturday night was quickly upon me and I found myself in Boulder after a ride from my mother since my own car had died a week earlier.  A friend was going to try and replace my thermometer since it was overheating while I was in Boulder so I'd have use of my Blazer again.  Sadly, as we started getting ready for the Dinner Detective show, I got a phone call that went something like this:

"This is Chris"
"Dude, you're screwed"
"What?"
"I got the thermometer in, but you're car is basically dead."
"What do you mean?"
"You have a blown head gasket."
Silence...."Uh...what does that mean?"
"You have oil in your intake, and anti-freeze in your firing pins."
"Yeah, so?"
"So it'll cost more to fix than the car is worth."
More silence...."Oh...okay."
"Sorry, dude."
"Well, thanks anyway, bye."

...And Then I Died:

That was how my Saturday night started off.  The next few hours I spent pretending to be part of a happy couple.  Basically, I lied to complete strangers for three hours.  At the end of the show, I get shot, I die.  I won't tell you too much, because you should come see the show.  When all is said and done, three people are murdered.  Fun for the whole family!

I needed to get a ride back to Denver and, fortunately, the only one in the cast that night heading back into town was a really cute woman who was meeting a friend in Denver for coffee.  She wanted to talk about some social media options for a new business she was part of starting. 

A disclaimer here before I go on.  I've long been fascinated by this woman.  I've known her for a while now and phsysically, she's beautiful.  Long sandy blonde hair, huge amazing blue eyes, full lips, perfect skin and great legs.  She's smart but I've always gotten that sense that she's kind of stand-offish, withdrawn.  So it was great to get a chance to talk with her for 30 minutes in a car together.

I thought we'd just be talking about the social media, but before we ever got to that we started talking about relationships.  I'm not sure where she was coming from, but she started talking about the power structure of relationships, who is dominant, who is submissive, how roles are played in every relationship, how people should be more open to alternative lifestyles.

It was intriguing to listen to her talk.  For a long time I've thought that men, bachelors particularly, have been in a state of flux and confusion.  Society and women tell us that they want men to be strong yet sensitive, be a breadwinner, but not necessarily THE breadwinner.  Bachelors can get easily confused.  Are we Carey Grant or John Wayne? 

But listening to this woman, it dawned on me that women today are in a similar situation.  She pointed out the blurring of gender roles and the difficulty of balancing career and family.  Experiencing the joys of sex while trying to stay safe.  It was a glimpse into the struggles and dreams and fears that I think a lot of bachelorettes deal with.  Another point of honesty here; I spent a lot of the time while listening to her imagining her naked and thinking about sleeping with her.  I know, that makes me a pig.  I'm a guy, it's genetic, I can't help it.

Saturday Night Part Deux:

When we got back to Denver, she dropped me off in front of my place and I walked over to catch the last part of the show at the Bovine because it was the last show a friend of mine was performing in.  Once again, this woman is very attractive.  Funny, smart, hot and funny.  Really, really funny. 

Since it was her last show, I managed to talk her into going out with the group after the show, she rarely goes out afterwards.  We talked about acting and Los Angeles and movies and relationships.  It was an amazing conversation.  But the fun didn't really begin until after the bar closed down and I was walking her back to her car.  She offered me a ride, which seems a little ridiculous, since her car was parked exactly one and a half blocks away from my front door.  I declined, but then took her up on it since it allowed me a chance to continue our conversation.  I like being around her because she makes me laugh, what can I say. 

We parked in front of my building and suddenly she broke into classic fashion show critic mode.  Being just after 2am, crowds of teenyboppers were roaming the streets searching desperately for after hours parties and late night foodstuffs.  As one group of four obviously drunk women walked towards us, we were still sitting in her car next to the sidewalk, I commented that no matter how attractive a woman is, when they wear those silly little sandals, it's just unattractive.

This was my friends cue to go off on an epic riff about the absolutely horrid styles and clothes worn by apparently everybody out on the town Saturday night.  Denver, we have no style.  Too many frat-boy wannabe's wearing kahki's, large girls wearing dresses way too small, white pants, a fashion no-no, sweater vests, an execution-worthy fashion offense, hippie skirts, windbreakers, ugga boots (I think that's what they're called), flimsy sundresses (which, for the record I defended as being sexy), everything was grist for her mill. 

I can't explain to you how funny it was, it just doesn't have the same effect in a retelling, but the entire point was that if you're going to go out on the town, dress up.  Be fashionable.  Put on your little black dress, or a decent pair of jeans, even, whatever you do, just make sure you look fashionable. 

Obviously, she was comparing the fashions to the kinds of fashions you might see in L.A., which of course are going to be mostly top notch.  When I tried to explain that it's Denver, and, 1) Most people can't afford dresses or shirts made in Paris and 2) it's DENVER!

She responded that that was no excuse for poor fashion.  I know I'm making her sound like an incredible bitch right now, and she's anything but.  I think her point was, whether you're a bachelor or a bachelorette, how you look matters when you go out.  You want to put your best foot forward.  We all know this, but to hear her point out all the little reasons why an otherwise decent outfit gets a fail, was an eye opening experience.  For some it was their choice of shoes, for others it was the colors they were wearing, for others still, it was about the bling, too much mostly and gawdy.


We parted ways with me still laughing out loud.

Mothers Day was fun, spent it with the mom-unit, took the dog for a long swim and watched Iron Man 2.  Fun.  And then it was Monday.

A girl who owns a real estate firm in town emailed me out of the blue.  We used to work right across the street from each other when our PR agency was in business.  She wanted to catch up and have lunch.  She picked me up and we drove to one of her favorite places which specializes in Dim Sum.  This woman is very driven and organized and very successful in what she does.  She's very well put together and likes to get to the point when she talks about things. 

At one point during lunch we started talking about relationships.  She's been very supportive of me trying to build my business and find a girlfriend.  She asked me if I was dating anyone, of course I said no.  She just started a relationship and seemed to want to help me find a girlfriend.  She knows that I try to plan a lot of things in my professional life.  She wondered, though if I had a plan to find a girlfriend, get married, have a family. 

I told her I left all of that up to fate.  It was an answer which I think caught her off guard.  She pointed out that a person HAS to have a plan, even in their personal life.  There has to be a plan to meet people, to get out in the game, have goals, and a plan to meet those goals.  I disagreed but she persisted in telling me I needed a plan. 

The lunch was incredible, and catching up with her was just as great.  I realize I should get out more and do things with her and my friend Tara because they know so many people.  It probably would not only spice up my personal life, but also probably help my business.  We left each other with plans to get together again soon, most likely at one of her get togethers.  I'm very thankful for that.

The adventure ended Monday night with my friend Mere and I back at Rock Bottom.  I blew too much money, which is my nature.  But I met a very cute woman, a painter who paints sets for theaters.  Her eyes twinkled, her smile was bright and we had a long, in-depth and wonderful conversation about Star Trek.  Seriously, Star Trek.  As we discussed the merits of Data vs. Bones, Picard vs. Kirk, the quality of Deep Space Nine, the awesomeness of Captain Janeway and the underrated Enterprise franchise, I thought for a moment that I was in love. 

I hope to see her again.  But in the end, it was a great way to end a truly fascinating weekend.  I had a chance to spend Friday night, saturday night and Monday night in the company of some extremely attractive, talented, smart and funny women.  And the crazy part is, it wasn't even with some of my closes female friends, all of whom are also very attractive smart and funny women.  Being a bachelor has its advantages and one of those are that I get to spend time with some amazing women.  But cooler than that is that I sometimes get the opportunity to get insight into women from these friends of mine. 

I don't know that I learned anything Earth-shattering, but I did wake up Tuesday morning feeling as if I'd been given an opportunity that doesn't come along very often.  Three nights, four women who all offered me different perspectives and thoughts and feelings about being a bachelorette in society today.  Really, it was information gleaned directly from the mouth of babes, literally.

Porn Star!

I think I just saw my first real life, in-the-flesh porn star.  Seriously.  I hve no proof of this, only my own conjecture, but I have two witnesses who will back me up on this...trust me.  Now, naturally, meeting a porn start in person is generally a bachelor's wet dream.  I'm not going to pretend that bachelor don't spend an inordinate amount of time viewing porn.  We do.  We're men, it's part of our makeup, we can't help it.  As men, we're visually stimulated and, therefore, porn is part of our daily routine, kind of like waking up and eating.

We're really "dancers", respect us for our brains!

But let me back up and full you in from the beginning.  I had made plans to meet a friend for some drinks on Thursday night.  It was just a chance to hang out with a friend and have a few drinks and catch up.  She's been out on the road directing a non-profit travelling art exhibit from state to state.  She'd been out of town in her art truck for about six weeks, going from Chicago to Missouri to Louisiana and various other states, promoting her unique art expo. 

Now she was back in town and wanted to get together.  I also have to take a moment here to mention that she's a lesbian.  And no, not one of those, "I'm 40 years old and in a bad marriage so I think I'll try women" kind of lesbian, but a full blown, 20-something committed lesbian.  I also have to say here, that I loves me my lesbians. 

Lesbians are great.  They're generally hot, even the ones that you wouldn't look at if they were straight, they're hot if they're lesbians.  This is because, as men, we can't help thinking about them having hot, steamy lesbian sex with some other smoking hot lesbian chick.  Honestly, it's the first thing we imagine when we hear the word, "lesbian."

Anyway, I met my friend, and her friend at a Peruvian restaurant downtown Thursday night.  They ate, while I had some kind of sweet alcoholic drink.  It was good and it was strong, the way I like my drinks.  At some point, we moved over to Rock Bottom and started getting our drink on.  The back bar was crowded, but we managed to find a table and settled in comfortably among some kind of office party, four drunkies dancing to Michael Jackson tunes and another party that seemed oddly out of place. 

An Angel In White:

And that's when we saw her.  It wasn't just me.  I saw her, my friend saw her and my friends friend saw her.  She was an angel in white.  An angel with enormous breasts and long flowing blonde hair and legs that took my breath away.  Another great advantage of being with lesbians is that, as a man, I can share my lustfull feeling with them, because, they're generally having the same feelings. 

We literally had a hard time having a conversation for a while because at one point, the porn star decided she wanted to dance in the space between the tables.  The three of us would try and start a conversation or continue a previous conversation and every time we would simply stop talking and stare, really stare at this amazing specimen of the female form dance and gyrate and wriggle her way around the bar. 

As I sated before, I don't really know if she is a porn star.  But I've seen many porn stars in my life and I have to tell you, that if this woman decided she wanted to make porn, she'd be a very, VERY rich woman.  As it is, she's probably a stripper.  And yes, I can hear you all now. Why, you ask, would I assume that an absolutely perfect woman would have to be either a porn star or a stripper.  I'll tell you why.

First, her breasts were unnaturally large.  Now, I'm not a breast guy, as my friends will attest to.  I'm a leg guy.  But this woman's breasts were, how do I put this, mesmerizing.  They were bobbly and tightly packed inside her too-small white shirt.  Even I couldn't help but stare a little.  And, here's the interesting thing, the woman KNEW I was starting.  But it wasn't just me.  She knew everyone in the imediate vicinity was staring at her, looking at her, drinking in her body, her moves, her beauty.  And let me say this again, she was beautiful.  Even my lesbian friends were caught up in it.

This woman reveled in her sexiness, she enjoyed the attention, she wanted people to stare, to watch, to lust.  So it was my natural bachelor instinct, given her joy of exhibitionism, the way she looked and they way she acted that I assumed she was, A) a porn star, or B) a stripper.

I know, I know, I'm jumping to conclusions.  I'm making assumptions, and we all know what happens when you assume something, right?  You make an ass our of u and me (clever, right?).  Anyway, I don't feel too bad about my assumptions since my two lesbian friends were there with me making the same estimation. 

Sometimes You Just Know:

It's funny, but as a bachelor, you start to develop a sixth sense for certain things.  For instance, we can tell when a woman is starting to get a little too serious.  Or we can tell the difference between being smitten, or having a crush, or someone in full blown love.  There are subtle differences.  My hot friend I caught starting at the adonnis from yesterday's post, is simply smitten, I have a crush on a fellow performer, I have a friend who is in full blown love with someone who seems completely wrong for her.  A bachelor can tell these things.

We also develop a sense about women who look like porn stars and act like strippers.  Now, I may be wrong.  She might just be the hottest CEO or secretary or plumber I've ever seen.  But something tells me that this woman had spent at least a few hours on a pole somewhere, and in front of a camera doing things she probably wouldn't want her father to see.  At the very least I'm pretty certain she's featured in some "Girls Gone Wild" video.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm passing judgement here.  I have no problems with strippers OR porn stars.  In fact, as a bachelor, I'd love to sit down and talk to some of them sometime.  Really, I'd like to see what makes them tick.  Because as a bachelor I have to admire the freedom that must come from being so confident and uninhibited.

As the night wore on, we didn't get a chance to talk to the young lady, although she constantly looked over to our table to see if we were watching, which, of course we were.  We DID however get to talk to  some of the other members of the party, since their table was right next to ours.  As it turns out, it was a wedding celebration.  The couple getting married danced in front of us and everyone in the party seemed perfectly at ease in being the center of attention.  Obviously this was a family that had few inhibitions.


Dance, Dance, Dance:

In fact, there was a lot of dancing at the bar.  Not just the party across the way from us, but a handful of people at the bar itself were dancing nonstop for about two hours.  It was three guys and an attractive woman dressed in a plaid shirt.  By the way, I was told by my friends that just because a woman wears plaid doesn't mean she's a lesbian, so, do what you will with that tidbit of information. 

The night ended with me stumbling home after saying my goodbyes to my friends at the bar.  It was late and the hot chick had left a few minutes earlier anyway.  As I walked home, I thought about the woman and about dancing.  I'm not a dancer.  I can't even do "The Carlton" well.  I have the white man's overbight and I have actually injured people on the dance floor. 

But all that dancing made me think how desireable it made those women seem.  From an anthropological standpoint, that fits.  Throughout history dancing has really been used for only two purposes; as part of religious ceremonies, or to attract a mate.  Yes, you can tell me that some people dance to express joy.  I'm not buying it.  At least not for guys.  I've never met a man who dances simply to express joy.  Men dance for one reason, and that's to hook up with a woman.  Otherwise, by and large, we're perfectly okay with sitting back and watching the women dance.

But there is some truth to the axiom that women are attracted to men who dance.  I had a friend who now works as a reporter in Chicago.  He's a little Latin man, but full of machismo.  He loved dancing with women, and he was good at it.  Women adored him, and he enjoyed the attention he got from the women he danced with.

I know I should learn to dance better.  It might even help me in my quest to become thinner.  I can kind of do the salsa.  I'll say this.  Bachelors who can dance are generally way more successful than bachelors who don't.  It's a great way for bachelors and bachelorettes to get attention and let the world know that your available and ready for a little bit of after hours fun.

Of you could try being a porn star or a stripper.  I'm just sayin'. 

That Face To Face Feeling

Hello folks, I'm back!  I kow, it's been a week since my last post, actually about eight days.  I've been neglecting my bachelor duties, and for that, mea culpa.  I've been busy with work stuff.  Gasp!  Bachelors actually work?  Well, yes, you have to if you want to have any money to, you know, actually go out and date.

But it's given me a little time to think about bachelorhood.  I didn't reach any kind of epiphany, but a few things did occure to me, and I wanted to pass a few of those thoughts along to my bachelor friends. 

Do I make you RANDY baby?

One thing that hit me was this; let's face it, being a bachelor is basically a superficial kind of lifestyle.  I know that sounds really bad, but I mean that with all good intentions.  Think about it.  You don't have any real comittments such as a wife, children, etc.  One of the great things about being a bachelor is that if you hate your job, you're much freer to simply walk away and go looking for something better.  Sure bills are an issue, but in the end, your biggest responsibility is making sure you have a roof over your head and food to eat.  Everything else is kind of gravy.

The Look Of Love:

Second, bachelors really aren't "looking" for love in all the wrong places, or right places for that matter.  For this reason, one of the first things bachelors do is judge potential mates and dates on their looks.  Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  The women I find attractive some men don't.  The women that other men find attractive, like J-Lo and Jessica Simpson I don't find attractive at all.  I say this because, as I've stated previously, women seem to think that all men are monolithic in what they find attractive.  It's just not true.

But it works the other way as well.  Bachelorettes are just as visually driven as the bachelors, particularly in 2010.  The male body image has changed, and continues to change.  As I thought about this, I started thinking about all the dating I used to do when I was younger and in shape. 

Then over the weekend I was out at a club downtown and I started noticing that the most successful bachelors were all skinny.  Apparently skinny is in.  Big, bulky, muscly...out.  Fat, never was in, unless you live in Japan, in which fat is a status symbol and was in the way Rubenesque women were hot 200 years ago.

Now, I'm fat. I've never really thought of myself as fat, but lately I've been seeing a lot of pictures and videos of myself and, really, it's hard to avoid.  This could explain why I'm getting as many dates as I would like.  In order to let your personality shine, you have to get ladies to talk to you first. 

A Goal:

And so, I've decided I'm going to start working out again.  Not to try and become the muscular kid I was 20 years ago, but simply to tone down and feel slim again.  My goal is to drop 50 pounds, and then see what happens from there.

I put this out there because I think in order to accomplish something you have to put it out to the universe.  You have to tell the world that you are shooting for a goal.  This way you make a kind of unspoken commitment to your friends and strangers and family that, yes, this is what you are going to do.  If you keep it a secret, there's no fear of failure, there's no one to call you on your slacking. 

Just like if and when I decide to quit smoking, I'll tell the world and let the chips fall where they may.  A lot of this came to me while I was doing a show Saturday night.  There's a woman I know, a very funny, attractive and talented woman.  I wouldn't say I have a crush on this woman, she's hard to get close to.  But I like her.  I caught her staring at one of our fellow performers, a man much younger than both of us.  This guy is one of the friendliest, nicest guys you will ever meet.  But to describe him best, I would probably use the word, "Adonnis."  I mean, the guy is a physical specimen.

Even the taller, skinner guys get the stares from the women.  At that point, I figured it out a bit.  Like a lot of bachelors, I realized that I don't need to, in fact I can't, compete with these younger turk bachelors roaming the streets.  I simply need to try and make myself the best bachelor I can be. 

Losing the weight will help me healthier, and probably make me look a few years younger.  Plus, with my gray temples and salt and pepper hair, I think I'll be a sexy beast, to quote Mike Meyers.  And if not, well, at least I'll be healthier, right?

Beauty Is Subjective:

It dawn on me, though that sometimes relationships is blind to physical appearance.  A good friend of mine is a big man.  A very big man.  And yet his girlfriend is very, very tiny.  My friend Meredith calls her "The Pixy" which I think is a fantastic name.  I'm not saying that bachelors and bachelorettes are superficial people.  I think we all have a ton of substance to us all.  Yes, we can be selfish and sometimes narcissistic and, yes, sometimes looks mean a little bit too much to us.  But we're also giving and caring and deep individuals. 

But one of the great things about being a bachelor is that we often have the freedom and ability to make ourselves over in whatever image we choose.  We're not beholding to anyone except ourselves.  This post isn't meant to belittle myself, or moan and complain about my situation.  As always, I love being a bachelor and I'm pretty happy with my life.  But it's to tell you, my readers and friends, that I will be trying to become, if not a better me, at least a thinner me. 

So sit back, watch the developments and cheer me on.  I won't be running any marathons anytime soon, but hopefully at some point I'll be able to look at a photo or video of myself and say, "Not THAT'S one good looking bachelor!"