We're really "dancers", respect us for our brains!
But let me back up and full you in from the beginning. I had made plans to meet a friend for some drinks on Thursday night. It was just a chance to hang out with a friend and have a few drinks and catch up. She's been out on the road directing a non-profit travelling art exhibit from state to state. She'd been out of town in her art truck for about six weeks, going from Chicago to Missouri to Louisiana and various other states, promoting her unique art expo.
Now she was back in town and wanted to get together. I also have to take a moment here to mention that she's a lesbian. And no, not one of those, "I'm 40 years old and in a bad marriage so I think I'll try women" kind of lesbian, but a full blown, 20-something committed lesbian. I also have to say here, that I loves me my lesbians.
Lesbians are great. They're generally hot, even the ones that you wouldn't look at if they were straight, they're hot if they're lesbians. This is because, as men, we can't help thinking about them having hot, steamy lesbian sex with some other smoking hot lesbian chick. Honestly, it's the first thing we imagine when we hear the word, "lesbian."
Anyway, I met my friend, and her friend at a Peruvian restaurant downtown Thursday night. They ate, while I had some kind of sweet alcoholic drink. It was good and it was strong, the way I like my drinks. At some point, we moved over to Rock Bottom and started getting our drink on. The back bar was crowded, but we managed to find a table and settled in comfortably among some kind of office party, four drunkies dancing to Michael Jackson tunes and another party that seemed oddly out of place.
An Angel In White:
And that's when we saw her. It wasn't just me. I saw her, my friend saw her and my friends friend saw her. She was an angel in white. An angel with enormous breasts and long flowing blonde hair and legs that took my breath away. Another great advantage of being with lesbians is that, as a man, I can share my lustfull feeling with them, because, they're generally having the same feelings.
We literally had a hard time having a conversation for a while because at one point, the porn star decided she wanted to dance in the space between the tables. The three of us would try and start a conversation or continue a previous conversation and every time we would simply stop talking and stare, really stare at this amazing specimen of the female form dance and gyrate and wriggle her way around the bar.
As I sated before, I don't really know if she is a porn star. But I've seen many porn stars in my life and I have to tell you, that if this woman decided she wanted to make porn, she'd be a very, VERY rich woman. As it is, she's probably a stripper. And yes, I can hear you all now. Why, you ask, would I assume that an absolutely perfect woman would have to be either a porn star or a stripper. I'll tell you why.
First, her breasts were unnaturally large. Now, I'm not a breast guy, as my friends will attest to. I'm a leg guy. But this woman's breasts were, how do I put this, mesmerizing. They were bobbly and tightly packed inside her too-small white shirt. Even I couldn't help but stare a little. And, here's the interesting thing, the woman KNEW I was starting. But it wasn't just me. She knew everyone in the imediate vicinity was staring at her, looking at her, drinking in her body, her moves, her beauty. And let me say this again, she was beautiful. Even my lesbian friends were caught up in it.
This woman reveled in her sexiness, she enjoyed the attention, she wanted people to stare, to watch, to lust. So it was my natural bachelor instinct, given her joy of exhibitionism, the way she looked and they way she acted that I assumed she was, A) a porn star, or B) a stripper.
I know, I know, I'm jumping to conclusions. I'm making assumptions, and we all know what happens when you assume something, right? You make an ass our of u and me (clever, right?). Anyway, I don't feel too bad about my assumptions since my two lesbian friends were there with me making the same estimation.
Sometimes You Just Know:
It's funny, but as a bachelor, you start to develop a sixth sense for certain things. For instance, we can tell when a woman is starting to get a little too serious. Or we can tell the difference between being smitten, or having a crush, or someone in full blown love. There are subtle differences. My hot friend I caught starting at the adonnis from yesterday's post, is simply smitten, I have a crush on a fellow performer, I have a friend who is in full blown love with someone who seems completely wrong for her. A bachelor can tell these things.
We also develop a sense about women who look like porn stars and act like strippers. Now, I may be wrong. She might just be the hottest CEO or secretary or plumber I've ever seen. But something tells me that this woman had spent at least a few hours on a pole somewhere, and in front of a camera doing things she probably wouldn't want her father to see. At the very least I'm pretty certain she's featured in some "Girls Gone Wild" video.
Please don't misunderstand, I'm passing judgement here. I have no problems with strippers OR porn stars. In fact, as a bachelor, I'd love to sit down and talk to some of them sometime. Really, I'd like to see what makes them tick. Because as a bachelor I have to admire the freedom that must come from being so confident and uninhibited.
As the night wore on, we didn't get a chance to talk to the young lady, although she constantly looked over to our table to see if we were watching, which, of course we were. We DID however get to talk to some of the other members of the party, since their table was right next to ours. As it turns out, it was a wedding celebration. The couple getting married danced in front of us and everyone in the party seemed perfectly at ease in being the center of attention. Obviously this was a family that had few inhibitions.
Dance, Dance, Dance:
In fact, there was a lot of dancing at the bar. Not just the party across the way from us, but a handful of people at the bar itself were dancing nonstop for about two hours. It was three guys and an attractive woman dressed in a plaid shirt. By the way, I was told by my friends that just because a woman wears plaid doesn't mean she's a lesbian, so, do what you will with that tidbit of information.
The night ended with me stumbling home after saying my goodbyes to my friends at the bar. It was late and the hot chick had left a few minutes earlier anyway. As I walked home, I thought about the woman and about dancing. I'm not a dancer. I can't even do "The Carlton" well. I have the white man's overbight and I have actually injured people on the dance floor.
But all that dancing made me think how desireable it made those women seem. From an anthropological standpoint, that fits. Throughout history dancing has really been used for only two purposes; as part of religious ceremonies, or to attract a mate. Yes, you can tell me that some people dance to express joy. I'm not buying it. At least not for guys. I've never met a man who dances simply to express joy. Men dance for one reason, and that's to hook up with a woman. Otherwise, by and large, we're perfectly okay with sitting back and watching the women dance.
But there is some truth to the axiom that women are attracted to men who dance. I had a friend who now works as a reporter in Chicago. He's a little Latin man, but full of machismo. He loved dancing with women, and he was good at it. Women adored him, and he enjoyed the attention he got from the women he danced with.
I know I should learn to dance better. It might even help me in my quest to become thinner. I can kind of do the salsa. I'll say this. Bachelors who can dance are generally way more successful than bachelors who don't. It's a great way for bachelors and bachelorettes to get attention and let the world know that your available and ready for a little bit of after hours fun.
Of you could try being a porn star or a stripper. I'm just sayin'.
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