The Art of the Pick-Up

Okay all you Bachelorettes, it's time to step up to the plate.  This one is directed at all of you ladies out there who have had to resist the utter craziness of some drunk frat boy hitting on you in a crowded bar.  Or the insanity of a self-proclaimed charmer trying to "get your digits" while all you want to do is catch up on your book of the week reading.

The art of the "pick-up" isn't dead, it's just hiding in a cave somewhere in the hills of L.A. until another sexual revolution rears its promiscuous head.  In today's world where sometimes the woman wears the pants in the relationship, it's rare to find a guy who really, REALLY understands how to "pick-up" a woman.

"Hi, I'm Robert, I do drugs, will you sleep with me?"

And I'm not talking about the end-of-the-night, desperation hook up where both parties are more than a little tipsy and just looking for someone to spend the night with because of their crippling fear of going home alone for a fifth straight Friday night.  That's not a pick-up, that's a train wreck.

No, I'm talking about the real art of seeing someone you are intitially attracted to, someone who is a complete stranger, and going up, talking to them and establishing a rapport that, at the very least leads to a friendship, if not a little bit of the slap and tickle.

Oh Molly, Where Are You?

Think back, my friends to a little gem of a movie called, oddly enough, "The Pick Up Artist".  First, you have to understand that I'm a huge Robert Downey Jr. fan.  If he's in a movie, I'll probably go see it.  If the movie sucks, I'll probably blame the actress opposite him, the writer or the director.  I'll even focus my wrath on the best boy and the gaffer if I have to; anything to avoid blemishing my unadulterated admiration for Mr. Downey Jr. 

I enjoyed that movie, and not just because it felt like I was growing up right along with Robert and teen squeeze Molly Ringwald.  It was a tentative exploration of life after high school and some of the issues we have to deal with when it comes to relationship and blah blah blah. 

Actually, I liked it because if I remember correctly, Molly got kind of naked and I learned how to try and pick up a chick.  Seriously, at the time, I approached it like an educational documentary.  Taking notes, studying film, practicing the right inflections and timing of the perfect pick up line.

Sad to say, I never really perfected the art of the pick up.  Frankly, I'm not sure most men do.  Like anything else, it requires years of practice and dedication to the art.  You have to fail before you walk and then walk before you can run, and honestly, most men just don't have that kind of self discipline.  But some guys ARE good at it.  Not coincidentally, these guys also look like Brad Pitt and George Clooney.  I realized my superpower rested in the slower approach.  Get to know the girl over several years time and then, after they've exhausted all other alternatives, be the last one standing so she HAS to date you.  Hey, it works for me.

But I decided to ask some bachelors over the weekend if they've ever used a pick-up line and whether it was successfull.  Obviously, every bachelor I asked has at least tried a pick up line at one point or another.  I'm going to highlight three of the answers I got over the weekend, not using their real names of course, to protect the innocent. 

But before I get there, I have to qualify something.  There are really two kinds of pick up lines.


1.  The ridiculous, "lets have sex" line
2.  The sincere, "I want to strike up a conversation" line

There is a huge difference.  You know the first kind of line.  It's the awful lines that, really, I think have only been used in B-movies.  Lines like:

(him)"Did it hurt?" 
(her) "Did what hurt?" 
(him) "When you fell from heaven."

Or the always popular, "The sky must be missing a couple of stars, cause I think they're in your eyes."
Or, "Why do birds suddenly appear...?"

In fact, I think most awful pick up lines are actually used as choruses for cheesy love songs.  Then of course there are the actual pick-up lines you might really hear at a bar or a coffee shop, or in line at the local Whole Foods (hey, I live in Colorado, by law we're only allowed to buy food at health food stores, King Soopers, and safeway are for banking, buying light bulbs and filling your prescriptions).

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly:

Anway, I digress, again.  These lines are basically conversation starters.  In fact AskMen.com listed the top 10 pick up lines based on their chances of success.  And because I'm a good guy, I'm going to show them to you.  So...here they are from ten to one:


10: "Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
9: "Would you like to dance?"
8: "Can I interest you in a glass of..?"
7: "Do you come here often?  I could use your opinion on something..."
6: "Excuse me, can you help me with...?"
5: "Dont' you find this place...?" (cool, classy, chic, off the hook, something positive)
4: "You look like you might be interested in some great conversation."
3: "Would you like an escort to your..." (table, elevator, the bar...NOT her apartment)
2: "Wow! I really like that (insert item of clothing or fragrance) you're wearing."
1: "I just thought you should know that you have a really nice..." (whatever you say, don't say ass or set of knockers)

That's a fine list.  Although I think number 4 would be hilarious to actually hear a guy try on a woman. Some are obvious like asking them to dance, or asking them if they want a drink or simply asking if a seat is taken.  Most of them involve flattery of some kind as well, which, I've found can make a woman uncomfortable if you lay it on too thick.  This is where the art comes in, knowing how to read her reactions and adjust accordingly.

I'll get back to this list but first I want to relay the answers from our panel of bachelors.  All three of these guys are younger than I am, although one isn't much younger, while another is significantly younger.  The third is kind of in-between.  Here are some real life pick up lines used by real life bachelors and how they worked.

Subject 1 - "John"
Age 22: Occupation, student.
"John" fancies himself as a bit of a ladies man.  When I met him, he was with a woman he had met just a few days earlier, an attractive 21 year old redhead with freckles and great legs.  When I asked him if he'd ever used a pick up line, he just laughed and pointed to his date saying, "I used one on her."  I asked him what he said, and he replied with this little classic: "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" (oddly enough, this one is listed as one of the worst pick up lines ever at the pickup artists website.)

I have to admit, I chuckled a bit, even as I was gagging on my beer.  I didn't have to ask if he was successful since he was with her at the bar.  He Did say that she initially rolled her eyes and started to walk away.  But he said he noticed she had giggled and was smiling so he took that as a sign to pursue her.  I chalked it up to the fact that she was so young that maybe she hadn't heard many pick up lines.  Or maybe she was just physically attracted to the guy.  Either way, I asked him if he generally used such crappy pick up lines.

He replied, "Yeah, I use really bad lines, just to break the ice.  I'm a goofy guy so I use my sense of humor to get them to laugh, and it works."  Clearly.  "Most of the time they can tell I'm just messing around and having fun.  Sometimes, though it doesn't work and I figure I don't want to be with her anyway if she doesn't have a sense of humor."

Of course I'm paraphrasing, but that was, essentially what he said.  Trust me.  I understood what he said, and his technique, while not textbook, seemed to work for him.  We then armwrestled and I lost, which is probably why he can get away with using cheesy pick up lines and be successfull.


Subject 2 - "Sam"
Age 30:  Occupation, Video Editor.
At 30 years old, "Sam" says he's moved past the point of using pick up lines for the most part.  He's looking for a more long term relationship after just getting out of a two year relationship.  He said he used to use pick up lines all the time, mostly without success.  Although he considers himself pretty successfull using pick up lines, he doesn't consider them pick ups.  He looks at them more like conversation starters, which, the best pick up lines are. 

He said he had tried a pick up line a few days earlier at a restaurant.  He was eating at the breakfast bar and an attractive woman sat nearby.  He was reading the paper, she was reading the paper and at one point, he leaned over and asked for the salt and pepper (after hiding the shakers directly in front of him).  "I did that just to guage if she had any interest in me," he said.  "Sam" says she made eye contact with him and held it for just a lingering second, which he says gave him the courage to use a more direct line.

"I leaned over and made a comment about the newspaper headline, it was about the education bill or something.  I mentioned that I thought teachers were underpaid and tried to make a joke that they should get combat pay or something stupid like that.  She just looked at me and kind of smiled but didn't say anything.  So I said something about wanting to be a teacher once but I ended up behind a camera, women usually perk up when I say I shoot video, but she literally turned her back to me, swivelled around on the stool and I took the hint."

"Sam says he finds that the best pick up lines are small talk starters and that it's not just the lines, it's the approach and the location.  "You have to be somewhere where the woman is open to talking to strangers and making small talk.  Then you can find something in common and go from there. 

Smart guy, this "Sam."


Subject 3 - "Harry"
Age: 38: Occupation, IT specialist.
"Harry" and I go way back.  We used to work together some time ago and we still keep in touch.  We had lunch on Sunday and I broached th subject of pick up lines to him.  He immediately grunted and stuffed his face with his Reuben.  "Harry" was married once, divorced a few years ago and is just now getting back into the game.  And while "Harry" makes a good living and women have said he's an attractive guy, he's never had much luck with women.  He's a good guy, but kind of humorless.  I thought, who better to ask about pick up lines than a guy who could seriously use a good one to meet Mrs. Right.

Here is his reply:  "I only have one pick up line if you can call asking a woman to dance a pick up line.  I like to dance, I'm not a bad dancer.  I figure if I can get them dancing, I at least have a shot at a date.  Plus, you don't have to do a lot of talking while you dance.  Plus I smell good (seriously, he said this) and women like how I smell, I just have to get them close to me.  It doesn't always work.  I asked a woman to dance with me last week and she said no, but not like a regular no, it was like a 'HELL NO' which pissed me off and ruined the rest of my night...bitch."

It's A Different Kind Of Art:

So, there you go, a random sampling and insight into the strange and disturbing mind of three bachelors. 

I find as I get older, I know my style and my strengths and weaknesses better and better.  I don't use pick up lines per say, but I DO like to use conversation starters, which I have found to be pretty effective.

And while I could give a list of rules describing what makes a good pick up line and a bad pick up line, what circumstances enhance the success of your pick up line and such; I won't do that.  I won't because, and here's the secret, the lines themselves have very little to do with the success or failure of the pick up.  It has more to do with confidence and personality and general attractiveness than the words you say.

So with that said, I'll leave you with this little bit of advice from the AskMen site.  If you want to be a pick up artist keep the following words in mind the next time you approach a stranger at a party or a bar or a coffee shop prepared to sweep her off her feet with your dazzling display of loquaiciousness.

Just remember: Being cheesy isn’t cute and will get you dismissed faster than she can bat an eyelash. On the other hand, being clever and confident with your delivery can get you to the next level. If flattery remains your point of action, make sure not to lay it on too thick. Compliments should be delicate and poured on lightly to ensure their staying power. The objective is to create a conversation starter that best reveals your interest and your intent.

Maybe we should call it the conversation-starter artist.  I like that. That's an art I think even I could be pretty decent at. 

Ladies, now it's your turn.  Tell me about all of your awful pick up lines that you've heard, or relay the pick up lines that actually got your attention and worked.  I know the guy's point of view on this one, but what about you?  Do YOU use pick up lines?  Dish, baby.  You know what to do. 

Oh, and by the way, I think you have a really nice....uh....nevermind.