Being a bachelor, I spend a lot of time talking to men about relationships. Mostly it's reminiscing about previous conquests, talking about current relationships or wish-there-were relationships. We rate the women we know in our lives, usually on scales involving beers or bedsheets or the traditional 1-10. It's a bit like the "Hot Tub" game my friend Mere plays where you choose people to be in your hot tub, there are rules, and various types of hot tubs, at least there are when I play, but we won't get into that right now.
Confucious say: Women are like fortune cookies, full of secrets, but always delicious.
The point is, even though I have a number of female friends to talk about relationships with, and I do, the kind of laid-back, no-holds-barred kind of talk about women is generally reserved for when I'm with my guy friends. But every now and then, I get a chance to get a peek into the mind of the female and let me tell you, it's a crazy, harrowing, yet exhillerating ride.
The fun started Friday night and continued through Monday afternoon. In between there was a trip to Boulder, three murders, one dead truck (not part of the murer spree), two car rides home within the course of three hours, one less than a mile from my apartment, an impromptu fashion show, a reunion of sorts and ended some Dim Sum at a hidden gem on South Federal. Whew, now I know why I need a break from my weekends.
To start from the beginning, it was a dark and cloudy night...
Well, actually, it was a pretty quiet brisk Friday night and I went to go see a show opening at the theater I do improv at. It was the first Friday I didn't have a show in nearly a year and I wanted to see the new one taking our place. The show was fine. The fun started afterwards, and I mean WAY afterwards, like four hours afterwards. I had been at Rock Bottom having some drinks with friends and the party broke up around midnight. The theater was having a late night show so I plodded the block and a half back to the Bovine and caught the last half hour of the show.
After the late night show ended, a handful of the performers and myself wandered upstairs to hang out with a few beers and chat the night away. There were some women there, mostly in their early 20's, and one closer to my age. All three are very attractive and two of them were getting pretty inebriated. A few passes of a joint (really, a joint, one of the guys actually rolled a joint, it felt very much like college) the group was feeling pretty mellow. I stuck with the beer.
Suddenly, the three women started talking about sex and relationships, but mostly about sex. The guys in the room pretty much just sat back and took it all in. Now, truth be told, of the four guys in the room, only one is in a committed relationship, and I use the term committed loosely. He's dating a very pretty bar manager who likes to call people "darling", but not in a Russian vixen sort of way, where the a is all drawn out, like "daaaaahhhhling".
As bachelors, we took the time to sit and listen to these women talk about some of their favorite bedroom activities, what they like men to do in bed and how they choose a potential sex-buddy. Here is what I learned from their conversation:
1. Apparently women like men who are aggressive in bed. I felt pretty positive about myself after hearing this nugget.
2. Toy, including, but not limited to, handcuffs, rope, dildo's and feathers are apparently much appreciated by women.
3. If a woman doesn't want to sleep with you about a minute after meeting you, you're out of luck. I kind of knew this already, but it's always good to get secondary confirmation.
4. Women like strong arms, kind eyes and a good butt. Well, two out of three ain't bad, right?
5. Talking too much is a good way to kill the mood.
6. Women also like to see other hot women kiss. Again, I knew this, but, you know, confirmation.
7. Not all women like to cuddle afterwards.
8. Some women simply can't orgasm.
9. I now know the ergoenous zone of three attractive women.
10. Women are sometimes more choosy about who they pick to be a sex buddy than they are about who they date.
The evening broke up after one of the women, who I think clearly has a crush on one of the guys in the room, called it a night, followed quickly by the rest of the group. I woke up the next morning with a bit of a hangover and had to get to rehearsal.
Saturday night was quickly upon me and I found myself in Boulder after a ride from my mother since my own car had died a week earlier. A friend was going to try and replace my thermometer since it was overheating while I was in Boulder so I'd have use of my Blazer again. Sadly, as we started getting ready for the Dinner Detective show, I got a phone call that went something like this:
"This is Chris"
"Dude, you're screwed"
"What?"
"I got the thermometer in, but you're car is basically dead."
"What do you mean?"
"You have a blown head gasket."
Silence...."Uh...what does that mean?"
"You have oil in your intake, and anti-freeze in your firing pins."
"Yeah, so?"
"So it'll cost more to fix than the car is worth."
More silence...."Oh...okay."
"Sorry, dude."
"Well, thanks anyway, bye."
...And Then I Died:
That was how my Saturday night started off. The next few hours I spent pretending to be part of a happy couple. Basically, I lied to complete strangers for three hours. At the end of the show, I get shot, I die. I won't tell you too much, because you should come see the show. When all is said and done, three people are murdered. Fun for the whole family!
I needed to get a ride back to Denver and, fortunately, the only one in the cast that night heading back into town was a really cute woman who was meeting a friend in Denver for coffee. She wanted to talk about some social media options for a new business she was part of starting.
A disclaimer here before I go on. I've long been fascinated by this woman. I've known her for a while now and phsysically, she's beautiful. Long sandy blonde hair, huge amazing blue eyes, full lips, perfect skin and great legs. She's smart but I've always gotten that sense that she's kind of stand-offish, withdrawn. So it was great to get a chance to talk with her for 30 minutes in a car together.
I thought we'd just be talking about the social media, but before we ever got to that we started talking about relationships. I'm not sure where she was coming from, but she started talking about the power structure of relationships, who is dominant, who is submissive, how roles are played in every relationship, how people should be more open to alternative lifestyles.
It was intriguing to listen to her talk. For a long time I've thought that men, bachelors particularly, have been in a state of flux and confusion. Society and women tell us that they want men to be strong yet sensitive, be a breadwinner, but not necessarily THE breadwinner. Bachelors can get easily confused. Are we Carey Grant or John Wayne?
But listening to this woman, it dawned on me that women today are in a similar situation. She pointed out the blurring of gender roles and the difficulty of balancing career and family. Experiencing the joys of sex while trying to stay safe. It was a glimpse into the struggles and dreams and fears that I think a lot of bachelorettes deal with. Another point of honesty here; I spent a lot of the time while listening to her imagining her naked and thinking about sleeping with her. I know, that makes me a pig. I'm a guy, it's genetic, I can't help it.
Saturday Night Part Deux:
When we got back to Denver, she dropped me off in front of my place and I walked over to catch the last part of the show at the Bovine because it was the last show a friend of mine was performing in. Once again, this woman is very attractive. Funny, smart, hot and funny. Really, really funny.
Since it was her last show, I managed to talk her into going out with the group after the show, she rarely goes out afterwards. We talked about acting and Los Angeles and movies and relationships. It was an amazing conversation. But the fun didn't really begin until after the bar closed down and I was walking her back to her car. She offered me a ride, which seems a little ridiculous, since her car was parked exactly one and a half blocks away from my front door. I declined, but then took her up on it since it allowed me a chance to continue our conversation. I like being around her because she makes me laugh, what can I say.
We parked in front of my building and suddenly she broke into classic fashion show critic mode. Being just after 2am, crowds of teenyboppers were roaming the streets searching desperately for after hours parties and late night foodstuffs. As one group of four obviously drunk women walked towards us, we were still sitting in her car next to the sidewalk, I commented that no matter how attractive a woman is, when they wear those silly little sandals, it's just unattractive.
This was my friends cue to go off on an epic riff about the absolutely horrid styles and clothes worn by apparently everybody out on the town Saturday night. Denver, we have no style. Too many frat-boy wannabe's wearing kahki's, large girls wearing dresses way too small, white pants, a fashion no-no, sweater vests, an execution-worthy fashion offense, hippie skirts, windbreakers, ugga boots (I think that's what they're called), flimsy sundresses (which, for the record I defended as being sexy), everything was grist for her mill.
I can't explain to you how funny it was, it just doesn't have the same effect in a retelling, but the entire point was that if you're going to go out on the town, dress up. Be fashionable. Put on your little black dress, or a decent pair of jeans, even, whatever you do, just make sure you look fashionable.
Obviously, she was comparing the fashions to the kinds of fashions you might see in L.A., which of course are going to be mostly top notch. When I tried to explain that it's Denver, and, 1) Most people can't afford dresses or shirts made in Paris and 2) it's DENVER!
She responded that that was no excuse for poor fashion. I know I'm making her sound like an incredible bitch right now, and she's anything but. I think her point was, whether you're a bachelor or a bachelorette, how you look matters when you go out. You want to put your best foot forward. We all know this, but to hear her point out all the little reasons why an otherwise decent outfit gets a fail, was an eye opening experience. For some it was their choice of shoes, for others it was the colors they were wearing, for others still, it was about the bling, too much mostly and gawdy.
We parted ways with me still laughing out loud.
Mothers Day was fun, spent it with the mom-unit, took the dog for a long swim and watched Iron Man 2. Fun. And then it was Monday.
A girl who owns a real estate firm in town emailed me out of the blue. We used to work right across the street from each other when our PR agency was in business. She wanted to catch up and have lunch. She picked me up and we drove to one of her favorite places which specializes in Dim Sum. This woman is very driven and organized and very successful in what she does. She's very well put together and likes to get to the point when she talks about things.
At one point during lunch we started talking about relationships. She's been very supportive of me trying to build my business and find a girlfriend. She asked me if I was dating anyone, of course I said no. She just started a relationship and seemed to want to help me find a girlfriend. She knows that I try to plan a lot of things in my professional life. She wondered, though if I had a plan to find a girlfriend, get married, have a family.
I told her I left all of that up to fate. It was an answer which I think caught her off guard. She pointed out that a person HAS to have a plan, even in their personal life. There has to be a plan to meet people, to get out in the game, have goals, and a plan to meet those goals. I disagreed but she persisted in telling me I needed a plan.
The lunch was incredible, and catching up with her was just as great. I realize I should get out more and do things with her and my friend Tara because they know so many people. It probably would not only spice up my personal life, but also probably help my business. We left each other with plans to get together again soon, most likely at one of her get togethers. I'm very thankful for that.
The adventure ended Monday night with my friend Mere and I back at Rock Bottom. I blew too much money, which is my nature. But I met a very cute woman, a painter who paints sets for theaters. Her eyes twinkled, her smile was bright and we had a long, in-depth and wonderful conversation about Star Trek. Seriously, Star Trek. As we discussed the merits of Data vs. Bones, Picard vs. Kirk, the quality of Deep Space Nine, the awesomeness of Captain Janeway and the underrated Enterprise franchise, I thought for a moment that I was in love.
I hope to see her again. But in the end, it was a great way to end a truly fascinating weekend. I had a chance to spend Friday night, saturday night and Monday night in the company of some extremely attractive, talented, smart and funny women. And the crazy part is, it wasn't even with some of my closes female friends, all of whom are also very attractive smart and funny women. Being a bachelor has its advantages and one of those are that I get to spend time with some amazing women. But cooler than that is that I sometimes get the opportunity to get insight into women from these friends of mine.
I don't know that I learned anything Earth-shattering, but I did wake up Tuesday morning feeling as if I'd been given an opportunity that doesn't come along very often. Three nights, four women who all offered me different perspectives and thoughts and feelings about being a bachelorette in society today. Really, it was information gleaned directly from the mouth of babes, literally.
No comments:
Post a Comment