Etiquette, People!

First, I must make an apology.  For those of you who followed my old blog, years ago, this might be a bit of a rehash.  For those of you who are brand new, or missed my last blog, stick around, this is gonna get good.

It has been a bit quiet since my little four day adventure a couple of weeks ago.  Not too much going on, just biding my time as we prepare for a number of Hit n Run shows coming up over the next couple of months.  But I did have a wonderful discussion on Saturday as I was catching a ride to a friend's babeque that I thought I'd pass along. 

Just follow the rules and no one will get hurt, okay?

And here's the great thing, it's a topic that I think everyone, male or female can relate to, even though the approaches are COMPLETELY different.  Yes, I'm talking about bathroom etiquette, folks.

Why is this such an important topic to cover, you might ask?  I'll tell you why.  Because there are rules.  And while most rules are meant to be broken, when it comes to bathroom etiquette, the rules are there for a reason and heaven help the individual that decides to go all rogue and break the bathroom rules.

Private vs. Public:

Of course, we have to admit that there are really two types of bathrooms here.  There's the private bathroom, the one in your home or your significant others' home, and then there's the public bathroom.  The important thing to remember is this: while the rules are pretty straightforward across the lines, there are some differences when dealing with these two types of bathrooms.

Let's tackle the public bathroom first.  To be fair, I have to mention that I'm speaking strictly from a male point of view here, and I would desperately love to hear from some women who can give me some insight to the rules in the women's public restrooms.

When it comes to men's public restrooms there's really only one rule you have to be aware of, but it's a really, REALLY important rule:

1.  NO TALKING

There you go.  If you follow this rule whenever you're in a men's public restroom, you'll do just fine.  Now, like all rules, there ARE some exceptions, although I don't like them, they exist and they must be acknowledged.

It's okay to talk if you're at the sink washing your hands.  And it's okay to talk if you're waiting for a stall in a line with other men who are also waiting for a stall.  Plus, it's kind of okay to talk if you're in a public restroom at a sports stadium, however you MUST be talking about the game at hand and nothing else if you insist on talking there.


The Bathroom Call:

I can't tell you exactly how the conversation in the car started, but somehow the other man in the car and I began discussing the useage of cellphones in a mens' public restroom.  This brought up an entirely different set of rules that also must be addressed.

First, it doesn't matter if you're on a cellphone or not, there should be absolutely NO talking while actually using the head in a public bathroom.  It's pretty much strictly verboten!  However, as the fellow I was with correctly pointed out, there are really two types of cellphone discussions that take place in a men's public bathroom.


1.  The unexpected call.
2.  The bragging call.

Men can tell when you receive a phone call that you didn't expect.  It's usually from a family member, a girl or a really drunk friend.  We get it.  You didn't expect the phone call, and we can usually tell that you don't really want to be on the phone at the time.  These kind of discussions are generally okay because the one in the bathroom does a lot of grunts or mono-syllabic responses like, "yeah" or "okay" or "sure".  The other men in the bathroom aren't happy about it, but we understand and besides, it's not like you're having some deep conversation that we have to listen to, so we can go about our business without being too disturbed.

The bragging call, however is a completely different story.  These are the guys who are doing most of the talking in the conversation, talking about the girl they're with, or who they wish they were with or someone they saw who they hope they can be with later.  This kind of call is uber-annoying and completely unacceptable. 

And if your cellphone rings while you're IN the public restroom, don't you DARE answer it.  In fact, as a rule, most cellphone calls should be handled outside the restroom.  If you're on the phone and you have to pee, stand outside as long as you can humanly bear it and then go in only if your bladder is about three seconds from actually exploding.

The thing is, men just don't like to talk in the bathroom.  We're used to the bathroom being our own private time.  So having to share the bathroom with other men is already awkward and uncomfortable.  The last thing we need is to have to carry on a conversation or listen to others have a conversation while we're trying to do our business.

Often times I will be in the middle of a discussion with a friend who also just happens to be going to the bathroom at the same time and I will seriously stop the conversation as we step into the restroom, and then resume it once we've left.  It's just common courtesy.  Now, I have been known to see someone I know in the restroom while I'm in there and at the most we'll acknowledge each other with the basic head nod and say something softly like, "hey" or "what's up?" and leave it at that.


So to recap, here are the basic rules or etiquette for men's public restrooms:


1.  No Talking
2.  If you have to talk, do it only at the sink or while waiting in line for a stall.
3.  No talking to yourself, even.  It's creepy and annoying.
4.  No talking on the cellphone unless absolutely necessary.  Talk outside the bathroom if you can.
5.  Talking at a sports venue is marginally okay, but you have to be talking about the game.
6.  No singing, whistling or looking around while using a public restroom.
7.  Never EVER make a phone call or answer a phone call while using a public restroom.
8.  Never continue a conversation from outside the bathroom, save until you're finished.
9.  You can acknowledge a friend in the restroom, but no touching or conversations.
10. Never, EVER talk between stalls.  That's just wrong!

Just Do It:

I won't get into the psychology of these rules.  They are what they are.  And they are fairly  universal.  I've heard stories, real horror stories, about the women's public restrooms in the places where I hang out.  Stories involving long discussions about boys, or other women or clothes, or hair, whatever, apparently women like to talk in the bathroom. 

As a man and a bachelor I can honestly say, I don't get that.  Going to the bathroom is like going to work.  You don't necessarily want to be there, but you have to go, so make it as short and sweet as possible with the fewest distractions you can muster.  Plus, apparently women like to vomit in the public restroom.  I can honestly say in the two decades I've been going to bars and getting drunk, I have only seen one man actually puke in a public restroom. 

Sure, we might barf on the dance floor, or in the plant in the corner or on the street somewhere, but for some reason we don't generally puke in the public restroom.  We might pass out there, but oddly, throwing up just isn't generally on the menu.  And when we do, we almost always hit the toilet or sink.  I've seen the end results of someone throwing up in the public restroom a couple of times, but it's always in the sink or toilet (okay, once in the urinal, but that was a friend's 21st birthday and...well, it's a long story).

From what I hear, women just throw up willy nilly all over the women's public restroom.  That seems odd to me.  yeah, we might pee on the floor more than is normally accepted, but we almost always hit our target if we're throwing up somewhere. 

The woman driving the car defended womankind saying that women's bathrooms aren't all social clubs where women go to chat with friends out of earshot of those annoying men.  but then she mentioned that she knows women who will actually talk between stalls.  I think I got a little dizzy at that moment just trying to imagine what would happen if two men started talking between stalls in a men's public restroom.  I honestly think someone would explode.

Home is where the head is:

Now, the home bathroom is a different beast, but the rule still applies.  There really isn't a lot of talking, if any at all, in a bachelor's bathroom.  When I was younger and living with a woman, she loved to talk.  We'd take separate showers, but one of us would often be in the bathroom while the other was showering or we'd both be using the sink as we got ready for our day.  She would chat and make jokes and try to get me to talk to her. 

Two points:  First, I'm not a morning person, so I don't usually like to talk first thing in the morning.  Second, it's a bathroom, it's not a lounge, it's not meant for talking, it's meant for doing your business and getting out of there.

it was a real bone of contention in our relationship for a while, until I explained to her what the rules were.  After that she didn't try to talk to me through the door while I was on the toilet reading a book or the paper, and she didn't try to continue a conversation while she was in there doing what she needed to do.  Again, that's just not right.

When I was dating a gal a while ago, she spent a lot of time at my place.  I have to say that my apartment was never cleaner and my bathroom never sparkled more than when I was dating her.  But I can clearly remember, about two months in, when I walked into my bathroom one morning and there, on my sink was her toothbrush and hair gel, some makeup and some feminine hygiene products.  I admit I freaked a little. 

To a bachelor, the bathroom is like his personal mancave.  It's his private sanctuary from the outside world.  He can go in there to think or read or even take a nap.  Seriously, I have napped in a bathroom many times.  Yes, my butt falls asleep, but it was a small price to pay.  I have even gone into my bathroom to simply think and clear my head when I've been alone in my own apartment.  To a bachelor the bathroom is like Superman's Fortress of Solitude. 

No one can touch you in there, no can bother you or make you do something you don't want to do. It's just you, and the toilet and your thoughts.  So to have a woman suddenly start to take over by placing her personal products on your sink, well, it's like a signal that she's starting to take over.  If you're relationship has evolved that far, then, okay.  But if it happens suddenly, it's a shock and it can prove to be a major bump in an otherwise smooth relationship road.

So women, be careful about what you do when dealing with a bachelor and his bathroom.  It's a sensitive area and one that should not be messed with.  I would go so far as to say that if and when you get into a relationship with a bachelor, check to see if he has two bathrooms, or just be careful about what you leave behind on his sink.

As always, I'm VERY interested in hearing from the women who read this blog.  Because I can't imagine that bachelorettes have decidedly different rules from bachelors when it comes to bathroom sanctity.  What are the rules in your world?  What are the do's and dont's you deal with both public and private?  Either way, it's important to keep in mind that there are rules when it comes to bathroom etiquette and while, as I said, rules are made to be broken...some rules are also simply meant to be obeyed.