Communication, Bachelor Style

Okay, it has to be said; women, you just don't get it.  Now, dont get upset, this isn't a bash or attack in any way, please understand me.  I'm just saying that when it comes to bachelor communication, you simply don't get it.

He: "Bald is beautiful!"  She: "Why don't you ever listen to me?"

Perhaps this is more of a gender thing, than a bachelor thing, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that bachelors communicate in ways vastly different than non-bachelors.  Bachelorettes, I'm guessing, probably communicate in different ways then their involved or married counterparts.  But, as I'm a guy, I can really only speak to the bachelor side of things.  If you're a bachelorette and can speak to this, please, add a comment and let me know.  It's always nice to hear the female perspective on all things bachelor.

Same Words, Different Language:

It's obvious to anyone over the age of, say, three, that men and women communicate differently to begin with.  But as we grow older and move into bachelorhood, that communications gap seems to grow even larger.  And that difference impacts nearly all aspects of our conversations, from questions, to listening to expressing our feelings (which of course, bachelors NEVER do, right?).

Men aren't necessarily a talkative group.  We often like to talk AT people, not always WITH people.  I'm a good teacher, I do a great job of disseminating information, I tell a good story.  However, I don't always carry on the best of conversations.  I get distratcted easily, I jump around from point to point, sometimes I just don't have anything to add.  It's not that I'm not interested, it's how I'm wired.

As men grow, they develop a kind of silent language that we use.  You've seen it before, I'm sure.  Two men pass on the street, they make eye contact, they acknowledge each other, size each other up, and eventually send a small, polite greeting to each other as they go on their separate way; all without saying a word.  The head nod is simply an accepted form of communication between men.  Men, try doing this to your next girlfriend, or your wife or even your female friends.  I can almost guarantee that you'll immediately be inundated with a series of questions ranging from "what's wrong?" to "why don't you love me anymore?" 

I know it's a cliche, but sometimes cliches, like stereotypes have a basis in reality.  Men can have entire conversations in four sentences or less, and sometimes those sentences don't actually involve words.  Here's an actual phone conversation I had not too long ago with a buddy of mine during a football game.  He called me after a great play, assuming that I was watching the game.

PHONE RINGS:
Me: "Hey"
Him: "Whoa!"
Me: "I KNOW"
Him: "I mean, awesome"
Me: "affirmative grunt"
Him: "Unbelievable!  Later"
Me: "Later"
HANG UP:

Not only did he assume I was watching the game, which I was, he didn't need to get into a full discussion of what had just happened.  Just the simple exclamations were enough to get the point across.  Here's an example of an exchange between a buddy and myself after a particularly nasty argument.

Me: "Dude, sorry"
Him: "It's allright"
Me: "Cool?"
Him: "Yeah...me too."
Me: "Cool."

And this was after a fight that nearly came to blows.  We didn't need to sit down and discuss our feelings or rehash what happened.  We both understood implicitly what took place, and put it behind us.

I think the communication between men/bachelors, or the lack thereof, is one reason why we struggle so much with our communications with women.  Because we have to explain things to women, and not because you don't understand, but because you WANT the explanation.  Having a significant other means having to explain your thoughts, actions and desires, and, frankly, we're neither good at that or experienced with it.

Men struggle with words at times.  We like to use our physicality, we like to use our grunts and clicks and heavy sighs to do our talking for us.  It's easier, mostly because other men understand this ancient man-code.  The problem is, even though we know women don't understand it, we insist on doing it anyway.   Sometimes the best we can do as bachelors is to whistle at an attractive woman, or stare at her as she passes by.  To bachelors it's our primitive way of showing approval and attraction.  Be honored, soak it in, know that the bachelor isn't TRYING to be a louse, he's just trying to tell you, in his own painful way that he thinks you're attractive and would like to get to know you over a candlelit Italian dinner and a bottle of Cabarnet; without, you know, using so many words to express it.

Cruel to be Kind:

In some ways, though, bachelors never grow out of their childlike actions when it comes to communicating.  Remember that one boy that used to pull your hair in school, or be mean to you for seemingly no reason?  Chances are, that boy liked you, but probably couldn't express it with his words. 

Even the most well-spoken bachelor can revert to this childlike action when trying to express feelings and emotions and other uncomfortable things to others.  For instance, guys will express friendship with other men by being mean sometimes.  This isn't the WWE version of a bromance, just little things like punching in the shoulder, or pushing buttons or giving a sarcastic dig.  This works with other men/bachelors because we're used to it.

What we don't realize, though, is that that form of communication doesn't work very well when it comes to women, friends or otherwise.  I'm not excusing bachelors, I'm just pointing out why it happens sometimes.  We even fight differently, and I'm not talking fisticuffs.

Men, bachelors in particular just don't know how to fight with a woman.  When we fight with our fellow bachelors, we fight to win.  It's usually a no-holds barred event that borders on verbal warfare.  This, by the way to all you bachelors out there, is NOT the way to fight with a woman.  Generally, women don't fight to win, they fight because there is a problem they want to resolve.  Bachelors, on the other hand, fight because they feel attacked and therefore it's a win or lose situation. 

When it comes to fighting, though, women do something that always, ALWAYS, drives bachelors nuts; they dredge up the past.  Ladies, if you want to absolutely enrage your fellow, bring up past actions and watch him melt into an apoplectic mess.  Bachelors have no defense for this tactic.  It's not a tactic generally used by other men or bachelors, so we're just not very experienced with how to defend against it.  When bachelors fight or argue, it's about the topic at hand.  When women fight or argue, it's about a situation and everything that goes with it.

Here's another hint, ladies, one sure way to drive a stake through the heart of any bachelor is to simply hang up or walk away from a fight or argument.  Once again, that is a tactic rarely, if ever used by bachelors against other bachelors.  We like to finish our fights.  By simply walking away or hanging up, you confuse and anger us even more.  When that happens, we honestly don't have a clue about what to do. Seriously, no clue.

It's About Us:

In the end, most communication for bachelors is about ego.  We WILL talk on the phone with you, as long as it's about us, or something we care about, and even then, we're probably itching to get off the phone as quickly as possible so we can do something important like watch the latest "Funny or Die" video or watch that action adventure, everything-blows-up-with-scantily-clad-women-as-damsel-in-distress movie.

We will listen to you, but then we won't understand why you get upset when we try to help or find solutions to your problem.  When our buddies call with problems, they want our help.  So we don't understand why you don't.  I mean, most bachelors will hang up on that kind of conversation wondering why in the world you called if you didn't want his help and will be confused as to why you are now mad at him.

We don't want to hear about your latest boy problem, ladies.  Nor do we want to hear about your dating woes.  That's what you have girlfriends for, right?  When you talk to us about your dating issues or the men you're having problems with in your life, it tells the bachelor that he's like your girlfriend, not a real man, not worthy of your attention in a romantic way.  The funny part is, we don't even have to be attracted to you to feel slighted by this action. 

Because bachelors like to be seen as a sexual entity, a threat to other men, a man worth fretting over.  Just because we're not intimately or romantically involved with you doesn't mean we don't want to be considered as worthy as the man you're spending hours on the phone complaining about.  Sure we'll listen, but we won't be happy about it.

These, of course, are generalities, and the thoughts of one bachelor.  But be assured, that I'm speaking on behalf of many bachelors out there who are probably doing a little happy dance right now.  Ladies, if you want to catch a bachelor's attention, if you want to have open and full communications with him, talk about him and things he's interested in.  He'll reciprocate, trust me.  And don't get offended when he says something stupid.  We're men, that's what we do. 

Oh, and if your bachelor sees you and gives you the silent head nod, don't freak out.  Simply nod back and punch him in the shoulder.  He'll love you forever.