In situations like that, it's always nice to have a friend nearby. Not that, you know, if you WERE facing a firing squad, you'd want your friend to be standing right next to you waiting to take a bullet. But when it comes to dating, friends are indeed good to have on hand. It's why people so often travel in packs when they go to clubs, bars, poetry readings, anywhere they might have a chance to meet someone from the opposite sex. There's strength in numbers.
The Art of Love & War:
Some have compared dating and relationships a lot like going to war. I even think there was a book written about dating and relationships based on "The Art of War," using many of the same techniques outlined to gain battlefield victory to win the heart of that special someone. And if that book hasn't been written yet, I call dibs. I think it'd be a great read.
I mean, think about it, you assemble your troops, you try to gain the high ground, you do your reconniasance, you only bring out the heavy artillery when absolutely necessary. When taken in this context, it's no surprise that one of the main weapons in the dating conflict, at least for men, is "the wingman".
I'm not sure what women call the girlfriends they bring with them when they go out together. From my perspective they look like a force field, or some other kind of defense perimeter. In Star Trek, they'd be called a deflector sheild; their sole purpose to swat away potential suitors like the tail of wild beast.
With that in mind, men came up with, "the wingman". But what is this mysterious wingman? What is his purpose? What does he do and how does he do it? Ah, patience, friends, all in due time. First we have to lay out the battle-lines.
Surveying the Field:
We've all seen groups of women at clubs and bars. I don't care where you're at, or how old you are, or what your sexual orientation is. When a group of women gather, it takes all of about four seconds for a hierarchy to evolve. There's the leaders, sometimes referred to as "The Heathers" by some guys (If you haven't seen the movie, rent it, watch it, you'll get it). The Heathers are usually the most attractive, stunningly attractive sometimes, and they have the bitchiness to prove it. In fact they're usually prety bitchy because they're hot and they know it. These girls are usually in the inner circle of the protective shield. It takes a special kind of man to penetrate this defenses to reach The Heathers, and then know what to do once he gets to them. Generally this venture ends in dismal failure.
Then there's the wannabe's. These girls are also usually very attractive, but not quite as bitchy, but they'd sure like to be. They wannabe one of The Heathers, and they'll do almost anything to get inside that inner circle. Again, this is usually failure waiting to happen for most guys.
After these women, you have the pretty women, the less pretty women and the hangers-on, the not quite so pretty, but they have a great personality and they do gain something from hanging with the pretty girls, even if it's only on the periphery.
Now, smart men, experienced men will focus on a woman in one of these last three groups. They're easier pickings and, depending on what the guy is looking for, is a pretty good bet for success. Obviously, the hangers-on are anxious for any kind of attention they might get from a guy, while the pretty ones are there to have fun and not as defensive or bitchy or wary, whatever word you want to attach, as The Heathers or the wannabe's.
Plus, and here's where experience kicks in, when you're dealing with a large group of women, they will, eventually, break off into smaller groups, usually in twos or threes, maybe fours. It's rare when one of these smaller groups contains one of The Heathers or wannabe's. Now we can start discussing the wingman, because now is when the wingman strategy can be put to use.
The Scenario:
There are three women at a club, they're dancing a little with their friends and between songs, they head back to their table or the bar for drinks. There is a group of men nearby. One of them has been eyeing one of the pretty ones. He has her eye on her, he's smitten, infatuated, driven to meet her. But what can he do? He's clearly outnumbered, three to one.
He turns to one of his buddies and says confidently, "I need a wingman." At that point, one of the buddies has to step up to the plate and "take one for the team." This often isn't as bad as it seems, depending on the group of women the target is with.
You see, the wingman's biggest responsibility is distraction. His job is to pick off the friends of the woman being targeted, so the primary bachelor can make his move. Now, if the woman is only with one friend, this is easy. He simply needs to distract a single friend. If she's with two or more friends, the job becomes much more difficult and might even require multiple wingmen.
Attractiveness of the "friends" is also a factor because if the friend is not so pretty, or, god forbid already in a relationship, married or serious it doesn't matter, then the friend is going to be extra protective and that much harder to pry away from the target. If the friend is also single and attractive, then the wingman might actually have a chance with her, if he's attractive and charming enough. If the friend finds the bachelor making the move to be attractive, then there's always a chance the bachelor might get attention from two women, at which point the wingman has his work cut out for him, unless the bachelor wants the attention of both, in which case his job is done.
Confused? That's okay. Because being a wingman can be complicated. There has to be trust between the wingman and the pilot (the bachelor making the move on the target). The pilot has to know that the wingman is going to do his job, keeping the friends away from the target so he has a chance to talk with her one on one and try to make an impression on her. For this reason, the wingman is usually a trusted, longtime friend of the pilot. With this longtime association, comes a series of eye contact, hand signals, and other forms of non-verbal or word signals that are inherently understood between the two.
A good wingman can assess the situation, see how successful the pilot is and adjust accordingly. Does the pilot need more time? Is he crashing and burning? Does he need backing or support to close the deal?
The Approach:
A good wingman will even know how to approach the target and her friends. And believe me, there is a lot of strategy to keep in mind when putting together an approach plan. For instance, here are a few strategies that have proven successful over time:
Divide and Conquer - This is perhaps the best known and one of the most successful strategies utilizing the wingman, and best used if the target only has one friend to deal with. In this strategy, the pilot approaches first and strikes up a conversation with the target, acknowledging the friend, but putting most of his focus on the target. Just as the friend starts to feel unwanted and ignored, the wingman swoops in and distracts her with discussion of his own. Timing is important in this one. If the wingman is too early, the friend may not bite. If he's too late, the friend will interfere in the pilot's approach and things could end before they even get started.
The Immersion - This is a technique best used when the target has more than one friend, but no more than three. This one also helps if you have a wingman that is relatively attractive and charming. This strategy requires a simultaneous approach by the pilot and the wingman. The two men approach the women and begin a conversation. The wingman attempts to grab the attention of the friends, while the pilot attempts to communicate with the target. There is a risk in this strategy in that the target may find the wingman more attractive and the pilot will lose out. If this happens, the pilot and the wingman have to immediately change places and assume the other's role.
The Bait and Switch - Basically, a reverse of the Divide and Conquer scenario. In this scenario, the wingman attacks first, generally asking the friend or friends out to dance or to strike up a conversation or buys them drinks and settles in as one of the group. In this strategy, the wingman's goal is to grab the focus of the friends, although in the process, he will likely also grab the attention of the target. This means the wingman has to make it clear that he is more interested in one of the friends, therefore separating the friend from the target. This is when the pilot enters the picture and makes his move on the target.
All three of these scenarios are used by men in clubs all over the world, and, while not always successful, the wingman increases the chances of success significantly. Here's another thought. Unlike women, men don't necessarily have the hierarchy that women do when at clubs. Any man can be the wingman at any time. Regardless of how attractive or well spoken or charming he may be, there are times when he will have to assume the role of the wingman.
To The Victor...
And there's no shame in that, really. As wingman, we're doing our fellow bachelors a favor. Take pride in the effort you give and in any successes he may have in snaring the target. One of the traditions I had when I was younger (read: in college and immediately afterwards) and regularly engaging in the wingman experience, was that if the pilot failed to achieve his goal, whether it be getting digits or a date, and the wingman did his job properly, then the pilot owed the wingman a drink. On the other hand, if the goal wasn't achieved because the wingman screwed up, then the wingman bought the pilot a drink.
I know it all sounds so mysoginistic, and like a big game, but it's not. Well, okay, it IS a big game. There's nothing at stake other than pride and a future with a potential lover, but trust me, it's not meant to be mysoginistic in any way. It's just that the description comes off that way. In reality, it's a way for men to try to break through the armor and defenses of women in a situation that doesn't often lend itself to personal, one-on-one meetings.
The women play their game, the men play theirs, and together they do a wonderful dance of tit for tat, playing a game of romantic chess in the clubs and at the bars.
Women, I'm curious to see if you have a similar "wingman" strategy. I mean, it IS 2010, and women approach men just as much as men approach women. If you do, please tell the bachelor diaries you wingman strategies, or tell us what you all really talk about when you're in those large groups.
By the way, the wingman isn't patented or owned by anyone. So, women go get a Goose to your Maverick and let the games begin!
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