Real Bachelors Don't Help...

Sorry I've been out of the loop for a few days.  I thought I'd try and appease the masses *cough, cough*, by tossing up the top ten bachelor movies.  I was quite proud of that list.  Oddly enough, my inclusion of "The Jerk" caused the most ruckus. 

Bachelor Hall of Fame, and a Request:

I'll say only this people...leave Steve Martin alone.  He is the ultimate bachelor.  He holds an honored place in the Bachelor Hall of Fame.  I'm not sure a BHF exists, but it should.  In fact, I'm starting one right now.  Send me your candidates for the first ever Bachelor Hall of Fame vote.  I'll be collecting names and putting together the list of first year candidates.  Let me think on it for a little bit and I'll come up with some other rules and guidelines to help you make your decisions, because you, my friends, will be helping me vote in the inaugural class. 

Now, of course, there are some shoo-ins that don't have to be voted in.  Mr. Martin is one of those.  I'll compile a list of five or ten that I get a free pass, individuals who don't have to be voted in for their sheer bachelorness. 

By the way, while we're on the topic, I am going to ask a favor of you while I have your attention.  If you know of any singles, bachelors, women, men, people who breathe air and who you think would enjoy this blog, please feel free to forward it to them and expose them to this masterpiece of bachelorhood.  I'm working on growing the readership on my end, but any help you could give would be greatly appreciated.  Hell, if you lend a hand, I might even buy you a drink if I catch you at a local watering hole sometime.

But I'm not here to beg or grovel, I'm here to help, and that's what I'm about to do.  The past few days I've been working feverishly on getting my consulting seminar off the ground, so I've been a little distracted, but I do have two pieces of bachelor importance to address today. 

The first issue comes from a discussion I had earlier this week regarding the difference between men and women.  Of course, this is a bottomless well of great conversation, simply because there are SOOO many differences, which, of course, is fantastic.  It's the differences that make relationships so exciting, and dangerous.  And I'm not talking about the fact that men have no idea what "Scrapbooking" is, or the fact that a toilet seat left up to a guy is just another tuesday, while for a woman, it's cause for justifiable manslaughter.

What're you talkin' about, Willis?

No, today we're talking about, well...talking.  Communication, more precisely.  I had this conversation with two very good female friends this past week, so I figured I'd bring it up to you as well, as part of my public service to help bachelors everywhere avoid the many land mines we run into constantly when dealing with women.  As always, women, feel free to read along, just to make sure I'm getting it right or to add your own take on the topic.

We've all been there, haven't we, fellas?  A girlfriend or close female friend (remember, every bachelor needs one of those), calls you up, maybe they're a little tipsy, or they've been crying, or they're distraught about a fight or their cat is ill, or, whatever.  The point is, they're calling you to talk about it.

Quick what's your first instinct?  Be honest guys.  All together now...our first instinct is to do what?  That's right, we want to help.  Men are fixers.  For some reason we have this incredible urge to want to solve the problems of those around us.  Women may gather in knitting circles and crochet the names of people they want beheaded, or gossip about friends and family.  But men are just as bad, worse maybe, when it comes to talking about the problems of other people.  We sit around in judgement and come up with solutions for people who never asked for our help.

So when it comes to our female friends, our first instinct is to come to their rescue, to aid solve and fix.  Men, in the famous words of Hanz and Franz, hear me now and smell me later...this is a big mistake.  Women don't want us to fix their problems.  When they call us in the middle of the night, crying and venting, they're not asking for assistance.  It's not some kind of veiled cry for help. 

Here's what they're looking for.  They want someone to listen.  That's it, fellas.  It's one of those rare moments when you can really be sure what a woman wants.  They don't want you to solve their problems or come up with great solutions.  That is only going to irritate them, and make them feel worse and there will probably tears involved at some point.  Now, on the other hand, it might mean they'll never call you again to vent, which on the surface might sound great.  But it also means they won't be there when you need to vent and, you know, get their advice. 

See, that's the difference.  When men call women with their problems, we're looking for advice.  Real advice, good advice that we can actually use.  That's why we don't have these talks with our buddies, because the chances of getting good advice from them is about 50-50.  We WANT women to give us advice and help solve our problems.  Women, on the other hand, just want someone to listen to them.

It's a small sacrifice to make guys, in order to have an attractive woman be able to fill in as an emergency date for a wedding.  Just sit there and listen to them.  Try, try TRY to bury your natural urge to be the "handyman" and simply sit back and let them talk.  You don't even have to listen closely.  It's like when your parents used to lecture you about breaking curfew.  A few well-placed "mm hmmm's" and "yes's" will make it seem like you're engrossed in the details of her problems. 

The moral of the story here guys is, that even though it may seem like they want your help, when a woman calls to vent, just get out of the way and let her do the talking.  She'll thank you afterwards and you'll look like a prince for not trying to help solve her problems.  I know, it sounds strange, but believe me, it's the truth.

Dieting Dilemma:

The second issue today is a question that comes from one of the readers of the Bachelor Diaries. 
Jana asks:  "Do bachelors ever diet?"

Thank you, Jana for your interesting question.  Know that the Diaries values you as a reader and will be sending you edible underwear in the mail, look for them at some point...eventually. 

Anyway, to address your question, my first inclination is to say that, no, bachelors do not diet.  Certainly bachelors probably should diet, or eat better or drink less, or maybe that's just me.  But in this new century, it's safe to say that some bachelors do, indeed, diet.  However, I would argue that we don't consider it dieting.  We consider it, "getting healthy," or "losing weight".  That may sound like dieting to some, but I would venture an educated guess that most bachelors don't take their diet into consideration when trying to lose weight.  Instead we fall back on all those things we learned and did in high school and college when we had to "tone up". 

We hit the weights, we go to the gym and try to sweat off the pounds.  We might even get the urge to run a bit, train for a marathon or attend a "boot camp" of some kind.  Fortunately, I haven't had that kind of urge in, oh, about...several years now.  Sadly, it's probably just as likely that, as bachelors we'll ruin all that good sweat work by hitting the bars at night, drinking beer and eating a plate of nachos.

And when it comes to wondering if we ever worry about not being able to fit into our clothes, well, I can honestly say that I've never really spent any time worrying about that.  I've never worn women's clothes, but I can say that I think men's clothing is a little more forgiving in terms of shirts and slacks.  Frankly, men can hide the few extra pounds a little better with our clothing, what can I say.  Plus, in all honesty, men just aren't that worried about those few extra pounds to begin with.  Sad, but true.

Allright, that's it for today.  Glad to be back and hopefully wont' be gone for this long again, at least not in the near future.  And again, send this blog out to anyone you think might enjoy it, and I look forward to hearing your nominations for the Bachelor Hall of Fame.

Take care, sleep well and for God's sake, men, whatever you do, don't help!