Bad Boys and Fine Whine

So much complaining and whining.  It's funny, really, if it weren't so sad.  I had the "pleasure" of catching about five minutes of the Today Show on NBC this morning.  I'm not exactly sure what the topic was, I think it had something to do with dating.  To my surprise, however, they had a panel of bachelors on to answer women's questions about men.

It was nice to see a group of bachelors answering questions, live questions, not pre-planned, canned and rehearsed questions, about dating and women and men.  A lot of times you get so-called "experts" answering these questions.  The only thing I know is that experts don't know bunk, when it comes to dating.  It's just too complex, too varied to toss out a few platitudes and generalizations and expect them to be successfull. 

Maybe Meredith is looking for a date, or maybe they were just in a pissy mood, but it looked more like a "attack all men" segment than a helpful, "how to get a man" segment.  The questions essentially boiled down into one of two categories.

Question number one:  Why don't men find me attractive?  (Other variations include; why won't they date me, why don't they ask me out, why don't they want to commit).

Question number two:  Why are all men such bastards?

Yeah, I think that about covers it.  Seriously, one of the questions asked was why a man in a relationship for ten years wasn't able to commit to the woman he's with.  By "commit" I assume she meant marriage, by the way.  In my mind, if a man has been with the same woman for ten years, he has made a commitment, a major commitment, a ten year commitment.  Fortunately, one of the bachelors asked the question I always ask in those situations which is, "Why is the woman still with the man if she feels he won't commit after ten years?"

The gals on the panel took offense to the question, hinting that the bachelors were blaming the woman for the non-commitment.  Look, there's no finger pointing going on.  Clearly the two sides just don't see eye to eye in their definition of "commitment". 

If the woman in that relationship wanted to get married, she probably should have said something early on in the relationship.  If she did, and he still didn't agree or want to get married, the woman has a choice.  She can stay with him out of sheer love, knowing that he is committed to her, if not married to her.  Or she can leave and go find a man who feels the same way about marriage and "commitment". 

I've always said that women carry the burden of responsibilities in most relationships.  Women are more mature, they tend to be more focused and generally have a better idea of what they want from a relationship than men do.  This isn't to say that men bear no responsibility for the success or failure of a relationship, we do.  But women have the power.  The problem is, not enough women know this.

Let's take a look at the bad boy phenomenon.  We are all familiar with it.  The guy who is mysterious, plays by his own rules, is tough, strong, can be mean when he has to be, a kitten when he wants to be.  These are men with a strong sense of self, a huge ego (even larger than the typical male ego, which is already massive) and moves from woman to woman as it suits his needs.

I learned early on that the bad boys get the girls.  Women love the bad boys.  We also know that when a man shows interest in a woman too quickly, they'll run away.  But be a jerk, distant, even a little mean, and they'll be fascinated by you.  They'll want to change you, they'll want to find out what kind of hurt you have inside that made you such a bad boy.  Women are drawn to angst like ants to a picnic.  The troubled soul, the loner, the bad boy, will win every time when a woman has to choose.

I get that, I really do.  I, myself often find myself attracted to the unattainable.  The woman who is "out of my league" as they might say.  Or the woman who is unavailable either emotionally or because she's married or in a relationship or maybe is moving away.  I make poor choices, we all do. 

But I have reached an age where I understand this major flaw in my relationship decision-making process.  I'm at peace with my idiocy.  I don't complain about it, I don't whine about it, hell, I've even stopped trying to change it, deciding instead to go along for the ride and hope that some woman comes along that will make me forget why I made all those bad decisions in the first place.

But for some reason, women tend to be shocked, surprised, flummoxed by their inability to get the bad boy conform to their dream of the perfect relationship.

Here's a hint, ladies:  If you're going to date bad boys, you're going to get bad relationships. 

And, if you choose to stay in these relationships, even after trying for years, after putting your soul into making it work, and it still isn't functioning, then who'se fault is that?  Is it the man's fault for being who he is?  Or is it yours for staying in a relationship that has zero chance of ever working?

Here's another hint.  When you find yourself in relationships that don't work, it's time to wield your power.  Because bachelors are inherently self centered, selfish and emotionally unavailable, they need a jolt in order to get through to them.  If you're dating a bachelor, or want to date someone who is a bachelor, then you have to remember a few things.

1.  You can't change him.  Don't try, don't even think about it.  If what you see is something that bothers you, move on.  All the cajoling and teaching and scolding in the world will never get the bachelor to be anything but who he is.  It's like trying to train a bear.  You can get him to jump through hoops for a while, but at some point, it's still a bear and it will kill you if it decides it's had enough. 

2.  It's not 1940 anymore - You have earning power, you have independence.  You don't NEED this man, or that man to make you complete.  The more independent you are, it's likely that bachelors will way more interested in you.  Confidence is sexy.

3.  Be aggressive - If you see a bachelor you like, go after him.  I hear so often from women who say they "will never pursue a man" or that they'll "never ask a man out".  Fine.  At least one of these women are attractive enough to get away with that philosophy.  Truthfully, most aren't.  If you see something you want, go get it.  Make eye contact, buy them a drink, ask them to dance, get their number, call them up and take them on a date.  It's not that bachelors are wallflowers, athough some are, it's that a lot of times, bachelors are out having fun.  They're eyes are always scanning the room for potential dates, always.  At bars, at clubs, in public, there are a lot of attractive women walking around.  You might just blend into a crowd.  He might not notice you.  That doesn't mean he won't be interested if you DO manage to stand out from the others.  Plus by doing this, you cut past the games, the crap and the effort of making a connection.  Bachelors are used to making the first move.  We are used to rejection and sometimes we just don't feel like taking the risk on a given night.  Trust me, bachelors will find your forwardness refreshing and enjoyable.

Now let's say you do manage to catch the attention of a bachelor.  You go out on a few dates, you get to know each other, you become friends, maybe with benefits.  If at some point you feel the bachelor in question and you are starting to reach a point where decisions have to be made, or you feel he is starting to lose interest, take a stand.

I'm not saying give your bachelor an ultimatum.  They never work.  They just put the bachelor in a defensive position and makes you the bad guy by putting pressure on the guy.  One of the reasons he might be shying away from you is that he is feeling pressure from you already.  Adding more on top of that is a sure fire way to end the relationship before it even gets started.

Chances are one of the reasons he was attracted to you in the first place is because of your independence.  Reclaim that ground by letting him know you have things to do, like spending time with your girlfriends, or maybe even going out with a co-worker or out on a blind date (set up by a friend, of course).  In other words, remind the bachelor what he has to lose without giving an ultimatum.

He might panick and decide maybe he's ready to commit more than he has.  Maybe he'll enjoy the time alone and appreciate you more when you two are together.  Either way, you're in control now and you're not letting the bachelor dictate the terms of the relationship.

Bachelors will string you along and play the field as long as they can.  They're bachelors because a) they're not ready to commit, b) they never want to commit, or c) the thought of commitment simply has never entered their mind.  You can't force any of these types of bachelors to commit if they're not prepared to do so.  But you CAN grab their attention, and, over time get them to realize how special you are and how much better they are with you than without you.

and if you decide you're willing to stick it out with a confirmed bachelor who treats marriage and commitment in the same way snowmen greet the sun, then don't complain or whine about it later when it falls apart.