Bachelors have an advantage, in some ways, that those in a couple don't have. We can date. We can go out on a different date with a different person every night if we wanted to; or were able to. We can meet a bunch of new folks and get to know them and have companionship, be fulfilled, have our egos stroked (no innuendo intended) and go home happy, alone, if we decide that's what we want to do.
But dating is so hard, I hear the whines coming through my computer screen. And yes, it can be, if you make it hard. If you're just out looking to have a good time, meet someone new and don't put added pressure on you or your date, then it's not hard at all, it can be a blast.
Even the dates that are total and complete disasters hold some value for a couple of reasons. First, you generally get to know pretty quickly that the person you're on a date with is not the right person for you, so you can cut your losses early. Second, the really disasterous dates give you humorous stories to tell for years to come.
For instance...
When I was a freshman in college, I dated a girl named Portia. She was from New York, I was from Denver. She was older, in fact the only older woman I've ever gone out with. We had a history class together and I was smitten by her. We studied together, got close, and I finally scrounged up enough nerve to ask her out at the end of the semester. I was working a summer job at an airport catering service, you know, taking out the old food from an airplane and restocking it for the next flight.
The job sucked, but it paid well and gave me time at night to go out, since I worked early mornings. I wanted to impress Portia, so I bought a couple of tickets to the CU Shakespeare Festival, grabbed a bottle of wine and picked her up in my 1982 Pontiac J2000. She was living in Boulder at the time, so I parked close to her house and we walked to the show.
Immediately I knew things weren't going to go as planned. She seemed distracted as we walked and the conversation seemed stiff and uninteresting. I hadn't seen her in three weeks and I was so fired up to be with her, I couldn't understand why she wasn't showing the same enthusiasm.
By the time we got to the outdoor theater, it had started to rain. I had planned a nice picnic on the green, wine and everything. It turns out she couldn't eat cheese, lactose intolerant, something I didn't know. And I forgot a wine opener (ah the inexperience of youth). I managed to shove the cork inside the bottle and poured her a cork-infused glass of wine into the cheap plastic cup I had brought. We sipped the awful wine and I tried to make jokes.
We watched the show, I remember it being only okay. Afterwards, I was ready to call it a night, secure in the thought that I had blown it with this classy, beautiful woman completely. To my surprise, however, afterwards, when we got to her house, she asked if I wanted to go grab a beer and play some pool with her. Of course I agreed.
While we were at Flynn's, she admitted she wasn't a big theater fan and would rather have spent time with me at a local bar. She went because she knew I was excited, but noted that in the future, less formal get togethers would be appreciated. I felt good, knowing that the lines of communication were opening and we had fun.
When we got back to her place, I noticed my car was gone. I thought it had been stolen. So she drove me to the police station where I reported the theft to the police. They took my report and went into the back to check records. When they returned, they told me I was under arrest for a warrant out of Aurora, apparently a ticket I hadn't paid from a couple of years earlier. I was mortified. The bail was $120 and I had bout fifteen in my pocket.
Portia bailed me out, it took a few hours to be processed, and, as I had no way to get home, let me sleep on her couch that night. The next morning I awoke to find that she was gone. She had left me a note saying I owed her $120 bucks, that she was moving back to New York in a few weeks, and that we probably should never see each other again. I was to be out of her house by the time she got back later that afternoon.
I managed to get my car out of impound, it had been towed, by the way, not stolen. I drove back to Denver feeling embarrassed and sad and angry. Of course, now, looking back, that entire evening holds a special place for me. It was an awful date, with a great woman. But more than that, it was such a learning experience, such an adventure. I learned a lot that night and grew up a bit. Plus, I now have a great story to tell about one of the worst dates in the history of mankind.
Get your courage up:
I was reminded of this on Saturday night as I was hanging out with some friends at Artopia in Denver. It was a mishmash of a lot of different types of people, artists, drinkers, clubbers, DJ's and slam poets and magicians, burlesque dancers and jugglers and transvestites. We were there performing and after our set, we wandered around the different attractions and had a few drinks.
One of the guys I was with is a 25 year old salesman. Good guy, nice guy. Not unattractive and no a jerk. He is a good bachelor. He got caught up with a drunk woman who took a liking to him during our show, and as some of us left the initial venue, he was seen chatting away with this attractive, but clearly inebriated woman on a couch.
We made our way through the snow to another venue and watched some dancers do their thing with glowing hula hoops and fuzzy boots. Suddenly he showed up, practically begging for us to help him ditch this woman who had apparently confessed she was about to throw up all over her sparkly golden dress. Taking pity on the kid, we shuffled him through the crowd and upstairs to the dance club.
Now it's been a while since I was at a dance club. I've always been more of a barfly type of guy, not a clubber. But I do enjoy clubs every now and then. Once up there, I remembered why I liked going to clubs once in a while. The women were all very attractive, the music was good and the drinks flowed.
We were on round three when he pointed out a very attractive woman standing nearby with her friend. I said I thought she was hot and that I loved her red hair. He challenged me to go talk to her, so I did. I was my usual charming self, introduced myself, mentioned how much I loved her hair, included her girlfriend in our conversation and offered to buy her a drink. She made it clear she was there with her boyfriend, standing right behind her. I thanked her for her time, said something about her being subtle but to the point, shook her hand and returned to where we had been sitting earlier.
It was a short exchange, but a pleasant one. She wasn't bitchy or rude about my approach and seemed genuinely flattered. It was the perfect bachelor risk. See, in order for bachelors to get dates, we have to approach the people we want to date. We have to get used to rejection. Some play the numbers game, knowing that the more they ask, eventually someone will say yes. Others play it safer, picking out the ones they feel pretty confident will say yes right off the bat.
Those who know me, know I rarely lack confidence and I rarely avoid asking someone out if I want to date them. You have to take that risk. Sadly, many bachelors either won't take that risk often enough, or they simply don't know how.
Bachelorettes, I understand your position, too. You may be getting tired of waiting for guys to ask you out, but you don't really know how to approach a guy, or maybe you're afraid of rejection. All I can say is, get used to it. It's a gamble, it's putting yourself out there to meet new people, and not all of those people want to meet you. You ask a guy out, they say no, move on to the next one. It gets easier the more you do it.
When you finally do get that date, don't put pressure on it. Approach it like you're just going to have fun and meet someone new. The more pressure you put on a date, the less likely it will be fun and will turn into a disaster. Added pressure is what makes dating hard.
Tips for the meeting:
For those of you who just don't know how to approach someone in a club or a bar or in public, well, the Bachelor Diaries is here for you. Here are some tips you can use. Let me know how it works out for you.
1. Don't use a pickup line. I dont care if your uncle's friends' best friend used a line to get his wife. They just don't work. Instead, find something to talk to them about. Maybe it's their hair, or an unusual item of clothing or their dog, or a mutual interest. Don't say, "Wow, you look hot in those shorts!" That's creepy and gauranteed to scare them away.
2. Use humor. Try to make them laugh and be self-depricating. You want to seem like you have confidence, you don't want to come across as an arrogant jerk. Women love men who can make them laugh. Don't tell jokes, you're not Seinfeld, but try to find a way to make them laugh, quickly.
3. If they're with a girlfriend, and assuming you don't have a wingman (I'll write a full entry on the wingman coming up) include her girlfriend in the conversation. The girlfriend is an important obstacle you will have to overcome. If you do manage to strike up a conversation and exchange numbers, the prospective date will be looking to her girlfriend for approval. You want the friend to like you, otherwise, you're dead in the water.
4. Keep the conversation light and focused on her. You don't want to talk about yourself too much. Show interest in her, ask questions about what she likes to do, what she does for a living. This is a fine line, because it's not an interrogation and asking too many personal questions is creepy. It IS okay, however to ask if she's dating someone. That shows you're interested in her without getting too personal.
5. Be gracious. Sometimes a person just isn't interested in you. You make your introduction, you chat for a bit, you try to get a number or a date. Setting up something casual works. "Hey, I'm usually at The Spotted Dog on Friday nights, if I see you there, I'll buy you a drink," can work. Let her know where she can find you. If, however, she says she appreciates the effort and she's flattered, but she's just not interested, you can still let her know where you can be found, thank her and leave. You don't want to pressure her and you don't want to cause a scene. If they're not interested, let it go and walk away.
I'm interested in hearing your dating stories, the good ones and the disasters. Leave your stories here in the comments section and the best ones will win a prize. Something cool like tickets to an improv show or a bottle of wine, sans corkscrew.
Can't wait to read them all.
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