Women are Bachelors, too.

Okay, so, I've had some feedback on the few entries thus far, and so far, most of it seems to be positive.  Thank you.  Of course there are some who take issue with the entries so far, and to those folks, I give a big apology to.  I don't mean to offend, really I don't. 

Yes, I speak in generalizations.  I know that, you know that, if the shoe doesn't fit, it's just not meant for you, or directed towards you.  As I've stated before, and I'll probably have to say again over time; this is not a mysoginistic blog.  I in no way mean to denigrate women.  Certainly I focus this blog towards bachelors, and my relationship insight is based solely on my life experiences, as failed as they may be when it comes to relationships.  But, as they say, there are no mistakes, just learning experiences.  If my 40 years on Earth has taught me anything, it's that I've made a ton of mistakes and hopefully, I've learned from them.

Another odd blast I received was from some women claiming that I'm missing an entire portion of the demographic out there.  Namely the female bachelor.  At first I balked at this.  My upbringing and social training has taught me that bachelors are dudes.  Single guys, players, loners, metrosexuals, gay men, straight men, curious men.  The key word here has always been men.  But as I thought about it, it occurred to me that I was way, WAY off base.

Here is the Dictionary.com definition of a bachelor: 

bach⋅e⋅lor

 /ˈbætʃələr, ˈbætʃlər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [bach-uh-ler, bach-ler] Show IPA –noun

1.	an unmarried man.

I guess that pretty much sums it up, right?  Well, I say nay!  Why can't women be bachelors?  Back in the day, unmarried women were referred to as "spinsters" or hags.  That seems kind of harsh to me.  Besides being a bachelor is much more than just being an unmarried man.  It's a lifestyle, it's a way of thinking, it's how you live.  Being unmarried doesn't mean you're alone, or even single.  According to this definition, you can be in a committed five year relationship, and STILL be a bachelor.

This, frankly, is wrong.  If you're in a relationship, especially a long term one, you're really not a bachelor. 

Then there is the word "single".  I'm single.  But I'm also a bachelor.  I'm going to say something here that not everyone will like or agree with, but it's my definition, so...there. 

All bachelors are single.  Not all singles are bachelors.  Huh?  What's that you say?  Yes, I said it.  I mean it.  We all have those friends that are constantly bouncing from relationship to relationship.  Each one is the "right" one, until they're not, and then the friend moves on the next "right" one.  These are the ones constantly looking for the love of their life.  They always have an eye out for the perfect match, overlooking obvious flaws in their mates early on because of their desperate desire to be in a relationship.

These folks are defined by their relationships.  If they're not in a relationship, they feel lost, they are lonely and sad and don't function well.  I have some friends like this, both men and women fall into this category.  These are singles, not bachelors. 

You see, a bachelor is okay with being alone.  They're not willing to compromise, they don't spend their days pining away for the love of their life.  They're open to finding it, but they don't treat it like a shopping excursion.  Bachelors date, they enjoy relationships, but they're not defined by them. 

So, with all that in mind, it has become clear to me that the term bachelor should also include women.  Yes, women.  Why can't they be bachelors?  Sure, you might point to the above definition and say, "but...but...but...the DEFINITION!"  To which I say, forgetaboutit!

Let's do something bold, something fun, something crazy.  Let's make our own definition of bachelor.  It's fun for the whole family, you'll see.

Here is my new definition of bachelor:

bach⋅e⋅lor

 /ˈbætʃələr, ˈbætʃlər/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [bach-uh-ler, bach-ler] Show IPA –noun



1.  An individual not involved in a relationship, not actively searching for a relationship, but open to romance and possibly marriage if the right individual comes along.  Someone who is not defined by a relationship and both values and appreciates time alone without a significant other.  Someone who has lived and lives by a set of values, likes, dislikes and habits defined by time outside of a relationship.

How's that?  I like it.  What I like about it is that it is all-encompassing.  It can include women as well as men.  And it, subtly, excludes singles.  Not that I don't like singles.  Like I said, I'm single.  But again, singles and bachelors are two different creatures.

The biggest differenc between singles and bachelors, though, are the final two sentences in my new definition.  I've already explained that bachelors are open to romance, but don't define themselves by a relationship and actively enjoys the time to themselves.  They don't need a significant other to have a rich, fulfilling life.  But it's the last sentence that I think really cuts to the heart of the matter.

At 40 years old, I have been out of relationships more than I've been in them.  I've certainly enjoyed my time in relationships, and when they've ended, it's been terribly painful.  But once I got back on my feet, I've enjoyed my time out of relationships as well.  I like the freedom, the lack of baggage the fact that if I don't want to put the toilet seat down, I don't have to.  Sometimes I leave it up on purpose, just because I can.

In fact, I've developed several habits of my own, created my own lifestyle that would be severely hampered if I was in a committed relationship.  I'm a slob, I admit it.  I'm unorganized, I make a mess when I cook and I don't always do the dishes right after dinner.  I leave my dirty clothes on the chair in my living room, I sleep on my couch more than I do my bed, I sleep with a fan on, I keep my apartment at 65 degrees year-round, I smoke indoors, I like my tv loud, my music louder and I stay out until the sunrise when I feel like it, without calling anyone. 

How do you think that would fly with a girlfriend?  Yeah, not very well.  Listen, I know I have bad habits, things I should change about myself, but I'm comfortable with my habits and my lifestyle.  And if I really thought I'd met Mrs. Right and not just Mrs. Right Now, I'd go to extraordinary lengths to change some things if I had to.  But right now, I don't have to.

Singles aren't comfortable with their lives, at least not as far as I can see, which is why they are always looking for something better, thinking they can find that in another relationship.  I know it sounds like I'm juding, and I guess I am in a way.  But I'm not trying to be harsh.  I've told my "single" friends that they should take time to just be alone.  Find themselves, become comfortable in their own skin.  Rarely do any of my friends listen to me, and that make me sad. 

Bachelors might actually be more equipped to be in a relationship than many "singles" because bachelors are comfortable with who they are.  According to all the zen philosophy and Dr. Phil theories and the tao of love and all that other blah blah, a person has to love themselves before they can be open to a real, honest, open and loving relationship.  Bachelors may not be in love with themselves, but they at least know who they are and they're okay with that. 

It's like Stuart Smalley says, "You're good enough, smart enough, and goshdarnit, people like you!"  So here's a salute to all the bachelors of the world, male and female.  Peope like you, but more importantly, you like yourself, and THAT'S what makes you a bachelor, and not just a "single".