But I don't have any of that. No ten million dimes, no nubile bunnies, no lagoon. What I DO have, however are answers. I know why men never call when they say they will. I've done it, your boyfriend has done it, your husband, brother, father, the President have all done it. In fact, with the exception of, maybe, the Pope, every man in the history of mankind has said something like, "Hey, I'll call you later," and then you never hear from them again.
Even before phones, women probably heard thing like, "I'll be in touch," or "I'll Pony Express you next week." Then some woman would wait by her hearth, her heart jumping every time a horse rode by in the dark of night. Alas, the rider would never stop at her house, and she'd never again hear from the man again.
But you want answers, right? Why men lie, why men never call, why they won't answer when you phone them. Before I tell you the big secret, I have to say something first. And this is important, because I'm sure over the years as this blog grows and morphs into what it should be, you're going to hear this from me a lot...a LOT. Ladies, you're thinking too hard.
Seriously. You're trying to read into what bachelors say and do at every turn. Notice I said bachelors. Because I'm certain there are men and women out there who will say I'm oversimplifying things, painting things all black or all white. That YOUR husband isn't like that, or doesn't do that. Blah blah blah. If you're married to a man, I GAURANTEE that at one point, your man has "done that" or "been there" or has been "like that". I will grant you, however, that the non-bachelors of the world have somehow figured out how to either hide these tendencies very well, or maybe they're the one in a million man. The one exception that confirms the rule.
Anyway, back to the overthinking. You overthink what bachelors do, and that's your first mistake. Listen, we're not complicated creatures. We have feelings, we just don't always know how to express them, at least not in complete sentences. So take my advice and stop trying to figure us out. Generally, what you see is what you get. We like to have fun, we like our football, our dogs, our playtime, we generally define ourselves by our work and often get lost in our careers, we like to eat, have sex and be respected by members of both sexes.
With that said, the answer you're looking for, the reason why men never call when they say they will is this; men are relationship cowards and we're stupid.
There, don't you feel better now that you know? What's that? You don't? Okay, I'll explain. Men aren't necessarily trained to deal with relationships. Most of our formative relationships were with other men. Our fathers, uncles, brothers, friends. We can have entire conversations in five words or less. We may be able to stand in front of thousands of people and give great speeches, or teach the pythagorean theorem, but when it comes to one on one conversation with our girlfriends, we usually fall short.
It's not that we don't have anything to say. It's just that what women want to talk about isn't what men want to talk about all the time. Plus, we're afraid. We've been conditioned to know that, at some point, we're going to say something terribly wrong. Then you'll get angry and we'll feel bad and you'll tell all your hot girlfriends what an ass we are and our dating availability will be severely limited for a week or so. Jokes aside. We know that the less we say, the better chance we have of not pissing you off.
Now to the stupid part. We're...well...stupid. Sometimes bachelors go on a date just because they need the companionship, because they're lonely, because they want an excuse to dress up and go out on the town with an attractive woman by their side. Whatever the reason, they're not really looking for someone to start a longterm relationship with. So they go on a date or two, and they have fun, they really do. Even if you could the "right" woman, the bachelor just isn't in that mindset. But they can tell if you're thinking that way, and they begin to form an exit strategy.
Usually that strategy is something like, "one last date, tell them I'll call, then run away, fast." The follow up is to not return your calls until you just give up. Even in actual relationships, men don't call when they say they will. This is just stupid. This is the symptom of a bachelor who is feeling in over his head, trying to regain control of a life he feels he is losing to the relationship. Kind of like the kid who feeding the dog, even though he's not supposed to, just to reassert control of his life. It's why teens start smoking, girls date boys they know their fathers will hate and why men don't call. It's a metaphorical middle finger saying, "I'm still in control." Sad but true.
Then there's what has happened to me several times. I see a woman who I think is attractive, ask her out on a date, and after a couple of dates, I realize this just isn't going to work. So instead of saying, honestly, "I've had fun, but I don't think this is going to work," I take the cowards way out and say, "I'll call you later" and I then I disappear.
But bachelors be warned. If it already hasn't happened to you, this strategy will eventually come back to bite you in the ass. I perform at a local improv theater and I had met a woman at a Valentine's Day party. She was attractive, professional, seemed smart and liked to laugh. I asked her out, and she said yes, and we went out on a couple of dates. It seemed to be going well, but even after the first date, I was starting to have my doubts. So imagine how surprised I was when she showed up at one of my shows on a Friday night.
I didn't say anything and she hung out with me and my friends after the show, and when the time came, insisted I walk her back to her car. I did, we kissed and did some heavy petting in the parking lot and I told her I'd call her over the weekend. I had no intention of ever calling her, but it seemed easier than saying, "Thanks for the kiss and the make out session, by the way, this isn't working, goodbye."
A few months later, I was surprised to see that she had signed up for classes at the same theater I performed at. And then about a year and a half later, a group of friends and I were at a local karaoke bar celebrating my birthday and lo and behold, who do you think was there. That's right, she was. And trust me, she was NOT happy to see me. Needless to say, it made for a very uncomfortable evening, particuarly when she came to confront me, and I couldn't even remember her name. The following explosion of controlled rage directed at me was not pleasant.
In retrospect, I know I should have just told her the truth, but it was just so much easier to simply leave the situation and hope I never, ever see her again.
So there you have it, ladies. Bachelors don't return your calls because we're emotional cowards and we're stupid. Oh, and bachelors, be warned, if you're going to use the "I'll call you, but never will" strategy, know that there are ramifications. At some point you WILL get burned. So, you know, use at your own risk.
No comments:
Post a Comment