10 things you need...

Soooo....I was watching the Superbowl, as millions of others did this past weekend.  I wound up at a friends place with a few friends, drank some beers, mixed drinks, shots, smoked some cigs on the balcony in the snow, laughed while watching the "Puppy Bowl" and Saturday Night Live sketches on the computer, judged the commercials and, at some point, actually watched some football.

Somewhere else in among all of that frenetic activity, I mentioned something that every man should have.  What, exactly, I said every man should have, slips my mind right now, as is often the case after an alcohol-fuled Sunday night of singing and laughing.  I'm positive that whatever it was I said was true, I just can't seem to remember it right now. 

Anyway, what I DO remember is my friend Meredith saying that I should add whatever it was I said to "The Bachelor Diaries".  And so, in deference to Mere, and because my little nugget of wisdom has gone aimlessly wandering off into the mists of time, I am listing the ten things every bachelor NEEDS to have. 

Certainly there are a lot of things a bachelor should have.  God knows there are a ton of things all bachelors want.  And I'm probably missing a few of the bachelor-necessary items on this list.  But I don't think I could fit everything into a single list.  So I took about five minutes, thinking hard between watching a Johnny Cash documentary on television, and came up with this rundown of 10 essential things you must have in order to be a successful bachelor.

Oh, and the term, "successful" can be debated all you want.  Is a successful bachelor the one that avoids any kind of meaningful romantic involvement?  Or is success defined by cross the line from being single to being in a committed relationship?  Also, and I probably should make this clear.  Hell, I probably should just do a whole entry on this little gem; there is a difference between being single and being a bachelor.  Yeah, the more I think about it, the next entry has to be about that differentiation.  In the meantime, here's the list.  They're not in any particular order.  I mean, it's not like number one is the MOST important and number 10 is least.  They're all important.  It just happens that I put them down in the order I thought of them.  Read into that what you will.  Read the list, let me know what you think.  Tell me if I've missed something.  Meanwhile, I'll be recovering from my hangover and eating cold leftovers. 

1.  A tuxedo - This kind of falls into another list I've always had, the "what every man needs to have" list.  When I was younger, my uncle told me that one of the things every man should have is his own tuxedo.  For some reason that stayed with me.  Somehow, many of the other life lessons passed on to me never took root, but that stuck with me.  It's especially important, I think for bachelors to have a tuxedo, I think, if nothing else but for shock value.  Think about it.  As a bachelor, you probably don't get chances to get dressed up very often.  When people do see you, you might not have shaved, your socks are in their third day of use and you're probably only wearing underwear if you just did laundry.  Don't make that face, I'm just telling the truth.  Every bachelor has reached a hand into a pile of clothes, picked it up and sniffed it and checked for stains right before tossing it on to go out in public.  Most of your female friends are probably used to seeing you in wrinkled shirts, scuffed shoes and messy hair.  So imagine their shock and awe when you waltz into an event sporting a freshly pressed and tailored tuxedo.  They'll gasp, they'll stare, they'll say witty things like, "gee, you sure clean up good", or "who are you and what did you do to (insert name here)."  Then, at some point between martinis, you casually mention that you own the tuxedo, it's not rented.  All you have to do then is sit back and watch the respect and wonder grow.  Follow that up by showing up to work the next day with a mustard stain on your shirt and flip flops and now you're a man of mystery, or an eccentric.  Whatever, either one is a cool image to have.

2.  A close female friend - Okay, I know I said that these weren't in order, and that none is more important than the others, but I lied.  This one is absolutely essential.  Every bachelor needs a close female friend, someone who they can confide in, someone who they can take as a last minute date, someone who can put up with their stupid pet tricks and someone they can get advice from.  Let's face it, we're bachelors because we don't know the first thing about women.  Who else knows women better than other women.  Your close female friend can give you dating advice, give you decorating help, or simply be the one person who can tell you when you're being an idiot.  I know this may sound like a girlfriend, but she's not.  This close female friend is someone who you might have sex with, but not someone you'd ever date.  And, come to think of it, having sex with this person would just complicate things, so most likely you never even think about having sex with this person.  She's one of those rare women who you respect like mother, love like a sibling, talk with like a buddy and when you say to others, "she's just a friend" you really mean it.  These women are hard to find because, honestly, as a bachelor, you want to have sex with most women you meet if they're even remotely attractive.  It's a tall order to find a close female friend, but you have to have one.  I've found in my travels, and by talking to other bachelors that ex's can work this role pretty well.  If you don't have an ex that you still speak to who can be this person for you, well, good luck.  Maybe find a friend, have sex with her then break it off just so you can then insert her into this role in your life.  Just a thought.

3.  A jersey of some sort - This item does a couple of things for you.  First, it shows the world, in clear bright colors, something you love.  When you walk down the street in a University of Denver hockey jersey, or a CU football jersey, you're telling people you are devoted to something, win or lose.  It can also help liven up your athletic image if you have one.  If you don't have an athletic bone in your body, a jersey can sometimes give others the impression that you not only enjoy, but might even participate, in some kind of athletic activity.  Hey, it couldn't hurt.  But the best part of a jersey is that it gives a woman something very sexy to wear the next morning.  There is nothing sexier, nothing bachelors love to see more, than a woman dressed only in a jersey or the large dress shirt.  I know it's cliche, but damn, it's hot. 

4.  A cookbook - This should be pretty obvious.  As bachelors we all eat our share of fast food and have our regular restaurants we go to.  But at some point, either because we're broke, or we just want to stay in at night, we have to cook for ourselves.  Why not at least be able to make something good to eat.  Why should bachelors suffer bad food just because they don't have someone to cook for them?  Plus, it can be fairly impressive when you show up to a party with some culinary delight you made yourself.  It's also a great date to invite her to your place and then cook for her.  Get a cookbook that also gives wine and mixed drink tips for meals. 

5.  A stocked bar - I have to admit that I fall a little short on this one.  Not because I don't drink...that's laughable.  I DO drink, I love to drink.  Nothing is more fun that going out and spending time with friends over drinks at a bar.  But I don't have a fully stocked bar.  I DO often have some kind of alcohol in my cupboards; usually a whiskey or bourbon for myself and vodka for the non brown-liquor drinking folk.  I'm not saying be an alcoholic, but every bachelor should have some alcohol, beer or liquor, along with some mixers (juice or cola), in their place in order to entertain guests.  Yes, you're a bachelor, but that doesn't mean you are a hermit.  Being a bachelor means you don't have to get permission to have guests over.  You can invite people over at any time.  Having some beer, or wine or liquor is like your "thank you" to them for coming by and keeping you from wasting another night alone.

6.  A maid service - This is another one where I've fallen a bit short lately.  When I was bringing in much larger, and regular, paychecks, I had a maid service.  It was great.  It cost about $100 a month for two visits a month, not including tip.  I don't think I need to explain why this one is important.  Bachelors, you know, I know, everyone who's ever dropped in on you uninvited knows, your bathroom is probably a mess, there are dishes in your sink that have been there for weeks and your floor is littered with crumbs of meals gone by.  A maid service keeps your place relatively kept up.  Plus it forces you to do your laundry at least once a month.  Trust me, spend the money.  It's worth it.  And  the next time you meet a woman and want to invite her up you won't have to make her wait in the hallway while you "tidy up" and wipe down your bathroom in haste.

7.  A good story...or two...or three - Being a bachelor means you're on your own.  I often meet couples where one or the other is as exciting as tofu.  This works because one of the two is usually interesting and talkative while their partner sits in a chair in the corner and randomly grunts, or just stands there looking bored and shifting their weight from side to side, sighing and checking their watch.  Bachelors don't have the luxury of being with someone more interesting than they are.  If you sit in a corner and don't talk, chances are, you'll never meet anyone, and, you'll probably stop being invited to parties and gatherings.  I'm not saying you have to be the life of the party.  But having an interesting story or two to tell helps enormously.  Make it funny or make it interesting, but just have one.  I think that's why artists always have hot girlfriends.  They may be real assholes, drug-addicted, dirty and maybe even an idiot, but they are interesting or funny and they tell great stories. 

8.  A guitar - You don't have to know how to play one, but it helps.  I have a guitar.  I don't know how to play it.  I can't even tune the damn thing.  But I keep telling myself I'll learn to play someday.  It doesn't really matter.  I know a lot of people who DO know how to play.  And when they come over, sometimes they play my guitar.  It also is a great conversation starter.  For some reason, people are fascinated by guitars and it never fails, when someone I don't know comes to my place, they see my guitar and we start talking.  But I'll admit, it would be way cooler if I actually knew how to play.

9 A hobby - By definition, a bachelor spends a lot of time alone when at home.  Some people handle being alone well.  Others don't.  I think a lot of bachelors do the "alone" thing pretty well.  But even the most diehard of us bachelors enjoy the company of others.  A lot of us are social creatures by nature.  A hobby gets you out of your mancave and out into the world where you can meet new people, learn new things, experience life.  And I'm not talking about work here.  Certainly work exposes you to other people, but unless your job is something you love, you probably don't enjoy your coworkers all that much.  I used to fence when I was younger.  Now I do improv.  I've met some wonderful and amazing people through my hobbies, whether it was fencing, softball, improv or my love of ancient history.  Plus, if you have a hobby, if and when you finally DO get a relationship, it will give you something to do so you won't spend every waking moment thinking about the relationship, driving yourself crazy, end up smothering them with attention and eventually sabotaging the relationship.  See, hobbies are a good thing.

10.  A good couch - Now, I know some of you are saying, "What are you talking about?"  But hear me out.  There is no more important piece of furniture for a bachelor than a good couch.  It has to be long enough to lay completely out in.  It has to be wide enough for two people to be able to lie down in or cuddle up in while watching a movie.  It has to sit at LEAST four people comfortably and it needs to be comfy.  Oh, it also should be able to withstand pets, and stains and rough treatment.  A good couch is a place for friends to crash and doubles as a bed for those nights when you're just too tired to get up and walk to your bedroom.  I know everyone always gathers in the kitchen during parties, but at some point, they always end up on the couch.  This is another area where investing a little money to make sure you get something cool is well worth it.

So, there you have it.  Ten things every bachelor needs to have.  I left off things like, a cool dog, or, an iPhone, because, while those things are, undisputably awesome, they're not really necessary.  Maybe I should put together a list of things bachelors probably shouldn't have.  Things like one or more cats, shag carpet or a bed full of stuffed animals. 

As usual, let me know what you think.  Feel free to let me know if I missed anything, or add to the list.  Next up, I really think I'll give you a test to see if you're really a bachelor, or just single.  Much fun!  Can't wait!  blah blah blah.  I'm going back to the Johnny Cash documentary.