Day D'Amour

I just want to get this out of the way here.  I enjoy Valentine's Day.  I do, really.  It's certainly not high on my list of the "High Holy Holidays," those are reserved for Halloween, St. Patrick's Day and New Years Eve.  But I always manage to get some drinking in and I meet some great people on Valentine's Day.  It's a fun day, particularly if you're single.  Don't believe me?  Then read on, I'll explain.

Currently it's Wednesday night.  A mere three days before the most dreaded of all holidays for singles everywhere...Valentine's Day.  Or at least that's what many would have you think.  Television, radio, print, movies, videos, poems, just about every aspect of our culture, popular or otherwise would have you believing that on Valentine's Day couples are in such a state of blissful love that rainbows appear spontaneously, clouds pour down chocolate sprinkles and God literally reaches down and individually blesses every couple, who probably just happen to be eating dinner at an expensive restaurant.

Meanwhile, all the singles in the world scurry into their darkened hovels, hissing at the smiling sun and singing bluebirds that, naturally, follow around all couples.  Those in love, simply walk past the huddling singles, tsking to themselves and sadly shaking their heads, knowing that at some point the singles will be sitting in front of their tv sets, drunk on box wine, their shirts covered in the remnants of cheetoes and crying themselves softly to sleep; a single, lonely sleep.

Uh, hold on there, Sparky...

I'm not buying it.  Never have.  I'm not one of those folks who've always despised the day.  I've been single, and I've also been involved in relationships on Valentine's Day.  I'm here to tell you, kind reader, that being single on Valentine's Day is really a lot easier.  I mean, let's face it, there's no pressure to buy trinkets, or diamonds, or chocolates or dinner for two.  You don't have to make plans, you don't have to go to "couples" parties where you'll have to listen to people talk about "Love in the Time of Cholera" as if it were a literary masterpiece while you're bored out of your mind looking in vain for more whiskey. 

You don't have to ask anyone to marry you.  Better yet, no one is EXPECTING you to ask them to marry you.  No late night arguments because you got too drunk or too "handsy".  No buying flowers that are way overpriced, or getting flowers at the office from that one person who is THIS CLOSE to being a stalker. 

What I'm saying is this...being single on Valentine's Day is a no-lose situation.  Besides, for a lot of us guys, Valentine's Day is for getting lucky.  If you're in a couple, the significant other feels almost obligated to have sex with you.  And if you're a bachelor, it's easy enough to find some lonely soul at the bar to go home with you if that's what you're really looking for.  So in this instance, it's a wash.

Listen.  I'm not some life coach or some kind of zen master.  I'm not telling you what holidays you should and shouldn't enjoy.  But I AM here to tell you that if you're a bachelor, you not only can, but you SHOULD enjoy Valentine's Day.

Why Valentine's Day is a Bachelor's Dream:

I've already gone over the reasons why it's not so bad, but here are some reasons why it can really be enjoyable for bachelors everywhere.

1.  Parties
There are a ton of parties.  Sure a lot of them involve couples, but the vast majority of them are singles focused.  If you can manage to find a party or two that is a singles only party, you're in for a treat.  They're usually full of fellow bachelors, fun people and cheap or free alcohol.  The added benefit is watching people try to awkwardly hook up with strangers in a desperate attempt to feel human companionship before the day ends.  It's a lot like St. Patrick's Day parties only without the green vomit at the end of the night.

2.  Desperation
I'm not talking about you.  I'm talking about the myriad of desperate "singles" out there that are just begging to be with someone for the night.  Don't go out and be a stalker or a predator.  Fellow bachelors, that is just bad form.  Besides, if you wash up, dress well and can speak in complete sentences, chances are, someone will find you and approach you.  All you have to do is stand back and be cool.

3.  Special Deals
They're everywhere.  Theaters, bars, restaurants, museums, etc.  It's a great time to be a bachelor, especially if you're on a limited budget.  Go out to a restaurant and treat yourself.  Ask for a center table in the middle of the room if you can, that way you get a full view of the uncomfortable first dates, the arguments, the awkwardness of the whole spectacle.  Plus, if there's a couple really in love in the corner, it can be heartwarming...or it can be a free peep show, whatever you're into.

4.  The heartbreak
I know, this is going to sound horrible, and it's not like I sit around hoping for it to happen (well, sometimes I do, but that's only because I'm fairly bitter and cynical), but seriously, seeing the disappointment, the anger, the fear, the sadness of the couples on Valentine's Day is part of what makes me go, "Yeah, it's good to be a bachelor on Valentine's Day."  There's nothing more that I enjoy than a good fight between a couple in a public setting, particularly after the sixth glass of wine.  It can only be topped if someone starts throwing things, which I've seen and it's wonderful, truly fantastic.


5.  Friends
Valentine's Day is a great excuse to get dressed up and gather with a bunch of other bachelors (not a singles party) and go out.  You can drink, eat, laugh, tell stories; all without the pressure of being in a couple.  It's a time to appreciate being a bachelor and spending time with good friends of both sexes.  Really, in this sense, it should be called, "kick ass relationship day" because I see a lot of bachelors having way more fun than most couples, at one quarter the cost.

Suck it, couples!

There really is only one drawback to Valentine's Day, and that's the couples.  I have no problem with copules.  Some of my best friends are couples.  They have a right to exist, just religious people, or couples with children.  I suppose they serve a purpose.  What I don't like is the assumption they ALL make that I must be sad or depressed on Valentine's Day because I'm a bachelor. 

Couples can often be, even outside of Valentine's Day, disgusting to be around when they're so co-dependent they can barely be away from each other.  It's particularly awful on this holiday, because they're trying to set you up with a friend who "has a great personality" or say things like, "maybe next year you won't be alone" in some kind of condescending way that is supposed to make you feel better.

Here's a hint to any couple reading this.  Don't feel bad for your bachelor friends.  We feel bad for you, really.  Don't try to make us feel better or set us up.  We're just fine, thank you.  Go on about your business, spend your money, feel special.  Hey, it's your day, you deserve it.  But don't expect us to feel bad because we're not mired in a union of two people.

Oh, and a note to movie and tv executives.  Stop making stupid, mushy, poorly written and acted love movies based on shaky premises.  You're embarrassing yourselves and the fine "chick flick" genre.  There are only a handful of "When Harry Met Sally's" or "Love, Actually's" or "My Girl Friday's" or, well, you get the idea.  Make a good love story or just stop making them.

Now, I'm going to go to sleep, on my couch, by myself, in my brand new boxers covered in little red hearts.  I bought them for myself for Valentine's Day.  I'm just bummed they didn't make Snuggies with hearts on them.  Now THAT would have been awesome!