What bachelors want

Greetings fellow bachelors.  I hope you have all recovered from the holiday weekend sufficiently by now.  Today's post deals with a question I received recently from a reader known simply as "Jane".  I don't know the particulars of "Jane," but apparently she's a bachelor...or in search of a bachelor, I'm not really sure.  But the question is a good one, and one that I have been answering for many years as a self-professed bachelor.

Jane's question:  Dear Bachelor, What kind of woman do bachelors avoid?  As a follow-up, are bachelors more forgiving of women not having perfect bodies?  Finally, can bachelors smell desperation?

The Bachelor Diaries:  Dear Jane.  The answers, in order, are; A hottie, no, yes.  A side note, bachelors are NOT, repeat, not looking for their mothers.  That's just...wrong.

I'm just kidding, Jane.  First, let me start by saying thank you for your questions.  I don't know that I'll be able to answer all of these right here, right now, but if I don't get to them all, be assured I'll answer them soon.

I obviously don't speak for all men, although as a longtime bachelor, I believe I have a pretty good sense of what bachelors are looking for, so I'll certainly take a crack at these questions.  As always, feel free to chime in with any questions of your own, or if you're a bachelor, add your own thoughts or ideas about what bachelors want.  Female bachelors, give me YOUR thoughts about what bachelorettes are looking for, since I can only really write this from a male perspective.

Desperation Alert:

With all that said, let me start from the end and work my way back to the beginning.  Can bachelors smell desperation?  Jane, I sense that you give men way too much credit for having a heightened sense of awareness and sensitivity.  Men, in general, are way too self-involved to have a real sense of what women are feeling at any given moment.  This often leads to problems since women believe that, somehow, we can read their minds, or interpret their body language or understand their tone of voice. 

So, of course I'm going to say, yes, generally, bachelors can sense desperation.  For the "singles" out there, desperation works for them.  Mostly because they're just as desperate as the person they're out on a date with.  There's a panic of, "I can't be alone!" in their every move.  If they're with another desperate single, suddenly there's a love connection.  Or at the very least, a relationship connection.  In these situations, it's the relationship that matters, not the other person so much.  There's comfort in being involved with somebody, anybody, as opposed to being alone.  When you get two people like this together, they make it work simply because neither one wants to be, or is capable of, being alone.

Bachelors, not so much.  See, as I've said before, bachelors are not only comfortable being alone, they actually enjoy it much of the time.  So the idea of being in a relationship just to avoid being alone is both idiotic and repugnant.  They'd rather be alone than be with someone who will just be a drain on their time, money and energy.  The bachelor has already projected the relationship to its bitter end, and it's not pretty.  There's usually arguing, screaming, things being thrown, threats made.

When a bachelor goes on a date with a woman, there a lot of reasons why.  Somewhere on the list might be, "to find the love of my life", but it's probably lower on the list.  We bachelors may be attracted to the woman, we might want to spend more time with her, but the thought of marriage and children and dual retirement rocking chairs isn't even a blip on the radar. 

At the same time, a woman who is desperate, has already thought about all of that.  The wedding is planned, the invites already sent out in her mind.  She usually tips her hand somewhere between dinner and dessert with comments like "my mother would love you," and "I've always wanted a big family."

Definite No-No's:

Mom?  Family?  These are scary, scary words to a bachelor.  Here are things to avoid if you don't want to seem desperate when you meet a bachelor:

1.  Don't mention family, children or parents in any context that includes the two of you.

2.  Don't tell them you want them to go, say, whitewater rafting with the specific aim of having you meet their friends.  If you want to go rafting with them, do it, just don't make it a "friends meet-n-greet".

3.  Don't talk about being lonely, how much you hate being alone, or your ex's and how much you miss them or hate them.  These send up huge, HUGE red flags for a bachelor who's just out looking to have a good time with an attractive woman.

If you do any of these things, don't be surprised if you never hear from them again after the date.  Oh, another thing.  It's okay to be touchy, depending on the person, it varies.  But don't be OVERLY touchy.  You want to touch their shoulder, put a hand on the knee, maybe even hold their hand for a moment, fine.  But don't grab their hand every time you are walking together, or put your arm around him and squeeze him like a teddy bear, holding him close to you as if your life depended on it.

That kind of dependency frightens a bachelor.  We are, by nature, independent creatures, and we are going to be attracted to others who value and enjoy their independence.  We don't want to have someone who is too dependent on us for their happiness, it scares us off.

As to your other questions, I'm going to skip past the body type question right now.  It's really more of a "man" question rather than a bachelor-specific question.  I will say this, it changes over time and if I can take just one moment on my soapbox, let me pontificate.

We dont' want "Twiggy":

Women, stop it!  Men like curves, we want a woman to look like a woman.  We don't need our women to look like a superskinny, drug-emaciated model.  You work out, you want to be healthy, we get that, and it's cool.  But obsessing about working out, or losing that last five to ten pounds, well, that's just annoying.  It says something about self confidence and self perception if you can't have a cookie or a slice of cake because you're worried someone won't find you attractive enough if you eat it.  Plus, hey, you DO have a personality, don't you?  Try using it.  You'll find your love life will pick up significantly. 

Oh, man.  As you can tell, I'm pretty passionate about that topic.  I'll be doing an entire entry on it soon.

What DO we want?

So, I've menioned a few things that bachelors don't like, or want in this entry.  But what do they want?  What are they looking for?  What kind of woman does it take to break a bachelor out of eternal singletude? 

This is going to sound vague and will probably frustrate some of you with its non-specificity, but here is my answer.  A bachelor wants someone who fits them.

I know, I hear you out there, screaming, "What the hell does THAT mean?"  There are no real specific answers, since everyone wants something different, so, sorry about that.  But what I mean by that answer is, compatability is very, very important to a bachelor.  Man, how do I explain this?

Okay, I know a guy who is pretty humorless.  He's fastidious, follows all the rules, doesn't go out much at all, never drinks, doesn't smoke, works his 9 to 5 job every day and works on his home on the weekend.  He has a small circle of friends, which he enjoys, has one hobby, fishing, and has been a bachelor most of his life.  He's pretty set in his ways. 

Now you might think this guy is a loser, he's not.  He's very smart, stays in shape and is a fascinating person to talk to.  He likes his alone time, he's pretty self sufficient, plus he's pretty religious.  Some have tried to set him up with fun-loving, social butterfly type of women.  And they've all been very attractive.  For a while they have a good time, but eventually, she starts to feel tied down by spending another night in watching movies, he's just uncomfortable around her friends, they often disagree along religious and political lines, and soon after they stop seeing each other.

It's true that opposites attract.  Generally, these women spice his life up for a bit, and he likes that.  But over time, the differences get to be too much and it becomes an untenable relationship.  He needs someone who is less active, someone who will be a little more dependent on him in a relationship, someone who appreciates the one-on-one time rather than spending time out with a large social group of friends.

I'm a totally different story.  I've lived an...interesting life.  At one point I was married to my career, I like to drink, I'm very social, I smoke, I enjoy physical activities, but only to a point.  I sometimes like to argue just for the sake of arguing.  I love to laugh and have a strange sense of humor.  I need a companion, someone who is a partner.  Someone who makes me laugh, can argue with me, be a smart ass, is independent and is smart.  The best relationships I've had are the ones where we would go to a party, and about five minutes after getting there, we go off in different directions.  The cool part to that is that we have stuff to talk about on the drive home.

I also can't stand "high maintenance" women.  I will be posting a full entry on high maintenance women soon, but they just annoy the hell out of me.  Women who are clingy, women who are self-obsessed, women who feel they have to put makeup on just to run to the store.  Women who are so uptight they nitpick everything a man does.  Ugh, I just want to bop them on the head and let them see the light.  I love seeing women in sweats and with their hair in a ponytail, or just after they wake up in the morning.  Maybe because I live in Colorado, but nothing is more beautiful than a woman in a laid back state.  Unless it's a woman in an oversized man's shirt and nothing else...or a woman in a schoolgirl outfit...but back to my point...

We all have different definitions of what constitutes a "good" relationship.  If there are some unifying characteristics, though, I'd have to say these would be what bachelors are looking for:

1.  Someone who is their own person.  We are our own person and we want someone similar.

2.  Someone who doesn't want to change who we are. 

3.  Someone who is willing to overlook some of our flaws in exchange for the wonderful person inside.

4.  Someone who is trustworthy, understanding and loyal.

5.  Someone who shares our values.

You look at that list and, really, it pertains to all men, not just bachelors.  Although I think the first two are really important when it comes to bachelors.

Women, listen.  Men are simple creatures.  Bachelors even moreso.  Don't try to overthink us, don't try to unravel our secrets.  We are going to make stupid, stupid mistakes.  We are probably never going to live up to your childhood prince charming.  We are men, we are bachelors.  We are going to forget to put the toilet seat down, and we are going to forget birthdays, anniversaries and appointments.  We will dirnk too much sometimes, we will not be as emotionally available as you'd like and we will probably smell from time to time. 

If you can deal with all of that, and still find something special in a bachelor, then you might just be the kind of woman we're looking for.  Send us your number, we'll call you...eventually...maybe.