Hey, Don't Do That!

I'm gonna rant a little bit here.  Is that okay?  Can I rant?  Cool.  Don't worry, it's not a big rant.  In fact, it's less of a rant and more of a laundry list of don'ts.  Sure, I've spent a lot of time on this blog so far talking about what bachelors are like, what bachelors enjoy, what attracts bachelors and so on. 

I know, I know, I left the toilet seat up...so sue me!

But today, I want to offer up some advice for women, and men, hoping to attract a bachelor or a bachelorette.  Basically, this is an entry with some friendly tips of what NOT to do to attract a bachelor.  Of course, as always this comes from a man's point of view, so any perspective from the women's point of view is always welcome.

Really, this is a list of things that bachelors don't like.  And I'm not talking about things like broccolli or brussel sprouts (seriously, who eats those things willingly?).  I'm talking about something I hit on in the last entry, things that women (and men) do when trying to attract a bachelor of the opposite sex.

So sit back, buckle up and enjoy the ride, this should be good:

1.  Don't nitpick - Really, I shouldn't have to say this, but it appears I do.  Yes, we know that our hair might not be perfect, or our bathroom isn't as clean as it possible could be, or that we haven't shaved in a week.  We know that.  We don't need you to point out all of our flaws.  We still want to be with you even when you don't shave your legs, so cut us some slack.  An addendum here, nailing us on important stuff like not driving drunk, stopping smoking and no murder is okay to nitpick on...I guess.

2.  We don't want you to be our mother - First, that's just sick.  The fact is, we probably like you becaus you're NOT our mother.  This doesn't mean we don't love our mothers, but we don't want to date someone who is just like her.  We spent 18 years growing up with our mother, we want something different, something fun and exciting and wild.  Mothers don't really fit into that mold.  Ladies, if you start dating a bachelor who wants you to be like his mother, or says things like, "My mom made her meatloaf differently" or "My mother always did my laundry," or "wow, you look great, just like my mom," run away...run away fast!

3.  Don't drop in unexpected - When the dating is first getting started, one of the most annoying things that you can do is to just pop by unexpectedly.  Chances are, we are sitting around in our boxers, watching crap tv in a house that is "this close" to being condemned by the EPA.  This isn't how we want you to see us.  You're in for nothing but disappointment if you drop in on your bachelor unannounced and it's going to embarrass us and anger us.

4.  Dont' embarrass us - Speaking of no-no's, don't embarrass us.  You can make us mad, we'll get over it, because we like you.  But if you embarrass us, especially in front of our friends, we'll never forget it.  This is because the male is driven by his ego.  Our ego's are huge.  When you embarrass us by telling stories of how we are in bed, or something really stupid we did, or retelling a story our mother told over dinner one night, we start to question how much you really care for us.  Really, we just don't understand when a woman embarrasses us in public.  Why would you do it?  We want to be your knight, your strength, your source of pride.  When you embarrass us, it's like you're saying, "I think of you as less than a man."  And that hurts.

5.  Don't compare - Here's another little tip, ladies...with men, everything is a competition, everything.  Arguments are a competition, lovemaking is a competition, the time you spend with us is a competition.  So when you start comparing us to other men you work with, or spend time with, or used to date, we get competitive.  We see it as a challenge.  And I know what you're thinking.  You're wondering why we have to be so competitive and insecure.  I don't have any answers for you, we're just hardwired that way. 

6.  Don't pressure - By now, you probably know that men simply don't conversate the same way women do.  Sometimes we just don't have much to say.  At these times, don't pressure us to talk.  Don't pressure us to take the relationship to the next level and for God's sake, don't pressure us to marry you.  Pressuring us is a sure way to push us away.  Things work out the way they're supposed to work out, you can't rush a bachelor.  If you do, you risk losing him.

7  We hate crying - Not only do we hate crying ourselves, we hate it when you cry.  We have no defense for that, truly.  The hardest, meanest man in the world becomes a puddle of goo when confronted by a crying woman.  It's like your superpower or something.  When we argue, crying is simply unfair, and it drives us crazy.  Even when you're crying over something that we didn't do, we feel terrible about it.  We feel like we let you down and we have no way to help you.  Because we can hug you and try to comfort you, but we know you'll just cry later when we're not around and we feel awful about that.  Remember, big girls don't cry.

8.  Don't expect jewelry - This fall right under the heading of "don't be high maintenance" and I've already done a full entry on that one.  This isn't to say that we won't get you expensive gifts to show you how much we care, or even that we don't like getting you expensive gifts.  What it IS saying is that we absolutely HATE it when you start expecting expensive gifts as a symbol of our relationship.  That is not only supremely annoying, it's just not cool and bachelors will flee from you as if you were a banshee.

9.  We hate it when you get possessive - Okay, moment of admission here, I have, in my past, been guilty of doing this.  Jealousy is an ugly thing, but most of us have to deal with it at some point.  Once again, this is a great way to end a relationship quickly.  But this isn't about cheating, it's about people being people.  It's too sexist to say that men's eyes just wander, because the truth is, everybody's eyes wander.  If you're at a bar and an attractive man or woman walks past and your date takes a second to catch a look, don't freak out.  Just because we look doesn't mean we're not attracted to you.  It means we like to look at attractive things.  It's that simple, so don't get all freaked out when it happens because it will eventually.

10.  Don't change who we are - First off, it will never work.  We are who we are and though we might be able to learn how to show up on time, or learn to use our phones to remember your birthday, underneath it all, we will never change.  This is a particularly woman thing to do.  I know, again I'm being sexist, but it happens.  For some reason some women want to dress up their bachelors in different clothes, make them look and act differently and that's just a road to disaster you can never come back from.  Work on the little things like getting your guy to put the toilet seat down and picking his dirty clothes off the floor.  You'll have much more luck in those endeavors than trying to make us someone who we aren't.

So there you have it.  Ten things that bachelors really don't like.  I left off a few things like, hanging up in the middle of an argument, telling your girlfriends all the little relationship secrets or leaving tampons on the bathroom counter.  But you get the point. 

I hope I didn't offend anyone.  This was meant in the spirit of helpfullness, not anger.  I love women, I do.  I just thought I'd toss out a few things that you should know in your pursuit of a bachelor.  Now, get out there and pick up your feminine hygiene products up off the bathroom vanity.  Do it, do it now.

P.S.  Anyone wanting to post the top ten things that bachelorettes don't like, please post in the comments, I'd love to hear them.  In fact, I probably NEED to hear them.  Ciao!