But to the point, I've had a lot of dates in my life. And I'll say this about myself; I'm nothing if not a pretty darn good date. Really, I'm a good dater. I generally make a really good impression, I'm witty, I'm a gentleman I try to avoid touchy subjects like politics and babies and try hard not to do anything stupid or offensive like laughing when she tells me about the horrible death of her grandma or falling asleep when they start talking about their cats.
uhhh...hey, baby, a little kiss goodnight...baby?
This isn't to say that all of my dates turn into wonderful relationships that ultimately end up as steaming piles of crap in three months. This also isn't to say that some of my dates don't go wildly, tragically wrong, spiralling into a death twirl before crashing into a burning heap before nights end. Some do.
But I'd like to think that every relationship, no matter how painful, pathetic or wonderful, no matter how short or long, is an opportunity to learn. And brothers and sisters, have I done some learning in my lifetime. So it is with a sense of hope for all of bachelordome that I come to you to spread some of my hard earned wisdom and knowledge.
Now, I've covered good dates in previous entries. Plus, we've all seen the magazine articles on "how to get that perfect mate," or "How to plan the perfect date." Some of those lists are just a bunch of hooey. And I say this, as a list writer myself. Not that my lists are inaccurate necessarily, or that there aren't some tried and true techniques in there that work. My lists are perfectly fine.
The problem is that no two people are alike. I suppose that's what makes dating and relationships such a roller coaster in the first place. But because of these differences, dating can take on several different incarnations, some work for you, some don't.
For instance, I like to go to baseball games for dates, or jazz clubs, or even hit a slimy dive bar where we can talk untilt he wee early hours under dim lights and surrounded by toothless alcoholics who swear they hear the voice of Carol Burnette and smell vaguely like urine and porn shops. Hey, these dates work for me.
For you, well, you might not enjoy dive bars as much as I do and you might be revulsed at the thought of spending four hours at Coors Field. So trying to tell people how to plan a perfect date is kind of an effort in futility; like herding cats or trying to have a logical conversation with uber-religious folks.
But there ARE some things that are universal to dating and, sadly, most of them are bad. You, as a bachelor can do and say all the right things, on the surface anyway, but it's really the little things that can absolutely kill any chance you might have of reaching second base or even a second date.
The Little Things:
I've also had a chance to talk to a lot of women about dating over the years. Sometimes it's former dates, but mostly, it's friends who tell me about their dating horror stories. In each and every bad date story, there are always, ALWAYS some similar themes that run through each of them.
Before I move on, let me say this. I'm not talking about idiosyncrasies that might be specific to a certain woman. For example, I once ruined a date right at the very beginning simply by holding a door open and pulling the chair out for my date to sit in. She said it showed I was trying to "exert my male power" over her or something stupid like that.
Although, in retrospect, it might have been that I told her that was a stupid thing to think. I'm pretty positive that calling your date stupid ten minutes into the date ruins any chances you might have with her.
We all know those kinds of little things and, basically, we can't help those issues. Some people simply weren't meant to be with certain people. I clearly was not meant to be with that woman, or any woman who is going to be offended that I held the door open for her. That's how I was raised, I can't help it.
What I'm talking about here are the things you do, or don't do, without thinking that are pretty major faux pas. Of course, there are really big things like showing up smelling like you just worked out and haven't showered in a week. Women love men who smell good. Ask any woman you know, and they'll tell you that a good smelling man is like an aphrodesiac.
Also, these are major dating no-no's from a male point of view. In other words, these are things that we do, as men, that are absolutely certain to ruin any date. Some of these things aren't gender specific. In these cases, I'll mention that if a woman does it, it's certain to ruin any chances she might have with the bachelor.
So without further ado, here is the list:
1. Be late - Okay, I have a problem with this. And if you're in Spain or Italy or Latin or South America, time has less meaning. But if your'e dating a typical American woman, being late is a huge turn-off. It sends the signal that she's not important enough for you to show up on time. Not exactly a great way to start off a date.
2. Be wishy-washy - Listen, you asked her out, she accepted. The last thing she wants is to hop into your car and have you lean over and whisper in her ear, "So, what do you want to do?" This is a big no-no as well. Have a plan. You should have reservations at at least two different restaurants, three just in case. That way if you say, "Hey, I thought we'd go to (insert restaurant name here)" and she says, "really? I hate Italian food" you have backups in place. Or you could say, we're going bowling, I hope you brought your wrist guard." Maybe even, "I thought we'd go dancing, I signed us up for a Salsa class, and afterwards we'll grab mojitos, hope you brought your dancing shoes." Whatever you do, don't ask her out on a date and then not have a plan. Even if the plan isn't something she loves, you can always change, but at least you had a plan.
3. Argue about money - If you asked her out, you're paying. Don't get through the dinner or end of the night and suddenly hand her the bill with her amount owed penciled in at the bottom. Hopefully she'll at least offer to pay her share, at which point you politely say, "thank you but no thanks." Sometimes a woman will asolutely insist that she pays. Don't get upset. Just tell her that you were raised that whoever did the asking out, should pay. Remind her that it's your pleasure and that she owes you nothing in return. Most of the time, this will do the trick. If she is still insistent, agree to go dutch. All you're going to do by arguing is ruin what might have been a great time up to that point.
Ladies, this is important: Let the guy pay. BUT, also at least offer to pay. This says a lot about you. Sure, you don't really expect to pay, and you shouldn't. But it's really the offer that matters.
4. Dont' lie - At first I was going to simply call this, dont talk too much. Mostly because when men talk to much, they have a tendency to exaggerate things or tell a lie or two. Mostly it's exaggerating stories, which a lot of men do. It's a natural thing for guys. But seriously, know where to draw the line. Don't tell her you fought off five muggers in New York, or slept with 100 women by the time you were out of college. First, that makes you a slut, second, women can see through your over-exaggerations and they will start to question everything you say. Again, that's not good.
5. Don't get drunk - Nothing says "I love you" like getting smashed on tequila slammers and doing a body shot with the bartendress. No one is impressed that you can down a can of beer in three seeconds flat. Plus, you'll slobber and you might throw up. That alone is reason enough to say no to a second date. But you're really sending the message that she's not interesting enough on her own without plowing yourself with alcohol so you can sit through one more story of how she just loved all of her sorority sisters SOO MUCH. Anyway, getting drunk on the first date is a bad, bad move.
It works the other way, too:
There you have it. No matter how good you smell, how much of a gentleman you are, what kind of car you drive or how much money you make, if you do any of these five things, you're basically screwing yourself and guaranteeing you won't get a second date. Plus you might end up in jail. And take it from me, who has some experience in this arena, going to jail during a date is also a great way to ruin any chances you might have with her.
Now, if you're dating a woman and you actually WANT to end it with her, but you don't want to come off as the bad buy, start employing some of these tactics. Within a few dates, it's likely she'll break it off with you and you can move on to other conquests. Of course this would be a cowards way out. But I suppose it's still better than telling her you'll call and then never talking to her again.
Although if you really want to make sure you never date her again, that's an excellent techinque as well. Enjoy bachelors. Until next time, peace out.
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