Love and Math

Sooo, I'm not a mather.  That's funny to a handful of improvisers I know, sorry about the inside joke.  For the rest, basically, I'm not very good at math.  It's not that I can't do it.  I can memorize equations and formulas pretty well.  I understand most of the basics of math.  It's just that I'm slow at it.  It takes me time.  And since most other things come very easily to me, that frustrates me. 

It's safe to say that the math and I aren't romantically involved.  We're barely on speaking terms, kind of like some of my old girlfriends.  In fact, when math and I meet on the street, we just kind of avert our eyes and awkwardly walk past each other, muttering something about having to get to the dentist or that we're late for our high colonic.

3/x cosign < 2x (425 + s) sin / tan x - 1,356 = Chris and Jenny sitting in a tree...

You might wonder why I'm brining up the subject of math in today's entry, particularly since I'm sure so many of you are waiting with baited breath for details on this weekend's party.  There's method to my madness, so patience grasshopper.

The Party:

Yes, I hosted the party.  It started late, like REAL late, like 11pm late.  It wasn't a big gathering, but we had enough alcohol to inebriate a full-on army.  Not the U.S. army.  More like the army of a small independent island-nation that still uses flintlocks as their primary weapon; but an army nonetheless.  My German friend, we'll call her Andrea because that's her name, brought over beer, whiskey, vodka and chocolate, lots and lots of German chocolate. 

Around 11:30 a handful of others showed up and we played a drinking game called Improv Kings Cup.  I won't go into details, because, well, I just won't.  Suffice to say, we all got kind of buzzy, or drunky, whatever you want to call it. 

Music was played, cigarettes were smoked, noise complaints were made and someone threw up.  A good time was had by all.  I think I passed out around 5am, which made me an hour late for my rehearsal on Sunday, which I felt very bad about.  Not only because I was an hour late, but because I had the mother of all hangovers, and I think I smelled like barf. 

I just wanted to go home and go to sleep, but instead, I ended up going to a Rapids soccer game, where my friend Darren and I nearly got into a fight with some Texans, three guys and witch of a woman.  Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and, again, a good time was had by all.

It's The Math, Stupid:

But back to the math.  You see, on Saturday, before my party, my friend Tara came over and we recorded a few episodes of our upcoming podcast called "His View, Her View."  We're still working on the name, that's our working title right now. 

You're familiar with Tara if you've read my blog with any consistency.  She's the recently (two years) divorced woman with the ailing daughter.  It was her divorce party I went to a couple of months ago that ended with a strange 22 year old girl throwing up on my shoes. 

Anyway, it seems Tara and I have vastly different takes on things like, religion, economics, relationships, just about everything in general.  She has said, on record, she likes to ask me my advice so she can specifically do the opposite of the advice I give her.  She thinks I'm always wrong when it comes to relationship advice.  This could be true, I mean, I AM a 40 year old bachelor.  But during the conversation she started discussing the concept of mathematics and relationships.

I was fascinated by the theory and I thought I'd pass it along to all of you.  In fact, she had a couple of interesting theories which I'd like to pass on.  I'm interested in hearing from the women, because, in essence, her idea is that any woman can get any man, as long as they practice a few basic techniques.

Technique #1:

Clothes make the woman - I'm not sure this is incredibly Earth shattering.  Her theory goes like this.  Most women are fairly average looking.  But it's the ones that get dolled up, wears nice clothes, puts on the makeup, straps on the heels and gives the appearance of being beautiful that sets some women apart from others.

I don't know that I'd argue this point necessarily.  But I have to at least comment.  I think that some women, when they get really made up can have these two affects on men. 


1.  The woman instantly seems high maintenance
2.  The man can become intimidated because the woman is TOO pretty

I'm not saying that dressing down is the way to go.  If you want to attract bees, you have to use some honey, right?  But TOO pretty can work against you.  That's all I'm saying.

Technique #2:

Eye contact is the key to that first connection - Tara made a comment during taping that at one point, she felt she could have any man in a room that she wanted simply by making eye contact.  Here's how it works.

1.  Make eye contact more than once.  Make sure the guy sees you making eye contact.
2.  Once he sees you making eye contact, by the third time, hold eye contact for ten seconds or as long as possible.  If he looks away, make sure you still look at him.  He'll look back and see that you're still looking
3.  Once the long gaze has been established, smile and look away demurely
4.  Wait for him to come sit next to you 
5.  Begin dating

I have to admit, I am buying into this technique.  If I'm at a bar and I see an attractive woman, I may not make a move if I don't feel like the door is open for me.  Sometimes, like all men, I just don't feel like being rejected.  But if a woman looks back, makes eye contact and HOLDS that eye contact, that's an open door.  It's an invitation to approach her.  The eye contact is like her saying to me, "come on over big boy and let's talk."  I have to admit, this technique would be very effective in getting a bachelor to talk to you.

Technique #3:

It's all about the numbers -  This is where the math comes in.  She started to equate successful dating with online dating sites.  Now as many of you know, I have no use for online dating.  I'm all about fate and luck and turning the corner and running into your soulmate.  However, online dating sites are all about working the numbers.  Throw enough mud on a wall, something is bound to stick, right?

But Tara insists that finding the "one" is about working the numbers.  She went into a mini-statistics lesson which I won't bore you with.  But the idea is this.  Imagine dating like being a salesman.  You're selling yourself to members of the opposite sex. 

When you're a salesman, you have to talk to a lot of potential customers and you'll often get a lot of no's before you get a yes.  Dating, she says, is no different.  Like marketing, if you send out 1,0000 direct mail pamphlets, statistics show that you can expect about a one percent return on those mailings.  So, about 10 people will actually respond to that mail. 

In face to face sales meetings, you can expect a higher return, maybe 20 percent.  So now you're up to 200 people out of 1,000 you might try to sell face to face.

Now, let's put those numbers and statistics into the realm of dating, shall we?  

Let's say you go out ten nights a month.  If you're looking to find a date, meet new people, you have to be a little aggressive in actually meeting those people.  This could be as simple as going to a club and talking to strangers (at her divorce party, I probably met 15-20 new women that night).  It could be going to a party and meeting friends of friends.  Maybe you're at a bar with friends, there's no reason why you couldn't meet new people there.

Tara is very clear that you don't have to spend hours striking up a conversation with these people, in fact, you don't have to talk to them very long at all.  Something as simple as talking about what they're drinking, or a song being played, or what they do.  The point is just initiating a conversation, about anything.

She is also quick to point out that you aren't making a move on them.  You're simply chatting with them.  After a few minutes of chatting, you make your move, but you don't ask them out.  Here's where it gets interesting.  Tara's advice is to have a business card with you at all times.  You simply hand the person your card and say, "call me sometime."  Then you walk away. 

For instance, before the taping on Saturday, Tara stopped by a grill on the first floor of my building.  She said the guy preparing the food was cute and they chatted briefly, maybe three minutes while he got her order ready.  That, she said, would have been a perfect time to slip a card to the guy and invite him to call her. 

Now back to the math.  Her theory is this; if you go out ten times a month, and you meet, let's say two new people each time you go out, you slip them the card, say "call me" and walk away, the numbers dictate that out of those 20 people, you're likely to get 4 dates for your efforts.  That's a 20-percent return.

Now, four dates may not sound like a lot, but that's four dates a month that you didn't have before.  Plus, now you both have been able to actually see and talk to each other before your first real date, which is a far sight better than trying to go the online route.

Get Out There!

I must say that I am intrigued by this technique.  When I was in college, our basic theory was that if we kept asking girls to go home with us, the more we asked the better our chances became that we wouldn't be sleeping alone that night.  Most of the time it worked. 

Of course, if you're really active, you could meet up to 100 new potential dates or more if you go out more frequently and are liberal in giving away your business card.  I'd like to try this technique sometime if I ever get back into serious dating mode. 

So there you have it.  Three techniques designed to snare a bachelor from a woman who has no troubles at all finding dates.  Remember, we're not talking love here.  We're just talking about dating.  Of course, sometimes dating can lead to love, but, as I've said in previous posts, better to leave that expectation at home watching SNL until your five or six dates in, at least.

Ladies, what do you think?  Do you think these techniques work?  Have you tried any of them yourselves?  Guys, what's your take?  I'm fascinated to hear what you think because while I think all three of these techniques might work, you might think differently. 

Let the debate begin, and in the meantime, order yourselves some business cards...just in case.