Not long ago I posted an entry about the bachelor communication skills. But I was out last night at a local watering hole and witnessed one of the ultimate moments of bachelor-speak ever witnessed.
Yeah, they call me cupcake, wanna fight about it?
I was hanging with some friends, most of whom are single. However, one of the guys had recently met a girl and decided that he was going to expose her to his little group of friends. We were all gathered around the table, pints of guinness sweating on the coasters, and we're laughing and joking. He's calling us by our "bachelor" names, G, Kool-Aid, Philly, Jahawk. Remember, these are old college friends, so we were well versed in our nome-de-plumes, as well as with many of the less admirable adventures we'd had over the years.
He was in the middle of telling a story about an old friend of ours who had recently passed away. It was hiliarious and poignant at the same time. Needless to say, the language was salty and the details were not ready for prime time.
"So, Spunk came out of the bathroom, butt nekkid, and his mom and grandma were there, and he didn't know they would be there for his birthday, right? But he was smoking the biggest roll you've ever seen, I mean it was massive. Well hawk, you remember hawk? Hawk came in, his ass waving all over the place in front of Spunk's mom, and he grabbed the joint and fu**ing went to town on Spunk for stealing his weed. I was laughing so hard, I peed on the spunk's bed. I literally urinated on his pillow. I don't really remember why we were all bare assed though. Dicks hanging out and all...that's funny."
We were laughing so hard, we didn't realize his girlfriend had entered the bar and was making her way over to us. In an instant, his demeanor changed. He became, well, a gentleman. He cleaned up his language, he stopped telling stories. But what was even stranger was, he started calling us by our real names. Except for her, who he called "strawberry". Which is odd because her name was neither strawberry nor had any relation in any way to fruits of any kind.
Hey, They're Cute, Right?
Listen, we all give nicknames to each other. I think it's typically more of a guy thing, but nicknames are nothing new, bachelors don't have a patent on cool nicknames. And we all have "pet" names for our significant others (although usually it's things like, lovie, or sweetie or pookums...not strawberry...seriously, that's just odd).
I love nicknames. I assign nicknames to people I like sometimes, even if it's just shortening their name a little. However, I've always been a "last name" guy. Meaning I usually call people by their last names after a while. I wish I could pinpoint why or some kind of system to my last name calling, because I have very good friends that I call only by their last names, and other very good friends I call only by their first name. Then there are a few I have nicknames for.
When I first started working in television, I was working what is called the assignment desk as an assignment editor. I had just moved over from radio and I was still learning the ropes. Just like in any field, a person has to prove themselves. Part of my job was to assign photographers with reporters and then assign them which stories to cover.
The photogs were mostly veterans in a newsroom known nationally for being among the best videojournalists around. They tested me, they wanted to see if I was up to working in that newsroom. Things can get very busy in a newsroom, and KUSA was no different. One afternoon we had some breaking news and I paged some of the photogs to the newsroom so I could hand out assignments. Not thinking, I paged them by their last names. Up to this point, I had been very cognizant of calling every one by their first names. This time, I simply forgot.
I remember one of the photogs, a big guy who used to play college football took offense at me addressing him by his last name only. It never really dawned on me that someone might actually get upset by being called by their last name. People call me by my last name all the time, which is strange, because my first name is so much easier to say. Maybe it's just fun for folks to say Gallegos, I don't know, I don't care.
I still call friends by their last names, but I'm more sensitive nowadays that some might not find it as endearing as I do.
The Bachelor Rules:
Bachelors, believe it or not have a set of rules, guy rules you could call them, when it comes to nicknames. Jayhawk (or hawk as we call him), Spunk, Philly, Kool-Aid have their nicknames because they earned them. Hawk is from Kansas, who are the Jayhawks, and he's a huge KU fan, so we call him hawk. Philly is from Philadelphia. We tried calling him cheesesteak, but it never stuck, Philly did. Spunk got his nickname because one night in college he got really drunk and stoned and kept saying the word "spunk" for some reason, because he thought it was a funny sounding word. My nickanme is G, I think because they're lazy and didn't like saying Gallegos.
Nicknames and pet names are fun and should be applied liberally to your friends and family. But if you do decide to start naming folks, keep these rules in mind:
1. The nickname has to have some connection to the individual. Same goes for pet names. And it has to be a connection that is easily made and that others in the group can readily understand. Therefore "Spunk" works because we all knew why he had the name. Strawberry continues to baffle me.
2. The nickname can't be humiliating or denigrating. It can be funny or in relation to a funny or embarrassing moment, but the individual getting the nickname has to appreciate it not hate it.
3. It has to be spontaneous. If you have to think too hard about nicknaming someone, it won't work. That's why cheesesteak never stuck. We tried too hard. Philly just came naturally.
4. You can't "gloss" yourself. "Glossing" is when you give yourself a nickname. In other words, you can't just give yourself a nickname. It's bad form and will be ridiculed by bachelors everywhere. A nickname is given to you by those close to you, like being knighted, you have to have it bestowed, not self-created.
5. Keep it simple. I think this is why indian names never made good nicknames. It's hard to go to the bar and say hello to "he-who-used-to-live-in-Philadelphia-but-now-lives-in-Denver". Nicknames like B-Dog, Philly, Downsey (that was for you, Mere) and Shawshank work because they're easy to say and remember. Difficult nicknames don't work. Remember, you have to be able to say them when you're drunk.
So go out, apply nicknames where applicable and start learning the bachelor language we all love and adore. Just don't nickname yourself and keep the rules in mind. Got it, Dawg?
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