Make the First Move

I love movies, although I don't see nearly as many as I used to.  Not anymore, at least.  When I was a kid, I used to see movies every week.  My mom and I would go on Saturdays.  I think it was as much of an escape for her, trying to raise a boy as a single mother who had to work long hours to make ends meet.  Looking back, I know that she probably cherished the time she had to spend with me, the movie was most likely irrelevant.

When I got older, in high school.  I used to go see movies once a week still.  I was working a part time job in high school to pay for the dollar movies at the old Aurora Mall Theaters, right next to the arcade.  We'd get there early, play some video games, you know the vintage ones, like Donkey Kong and Joust and Tron (aaahhh, yes...the 80's). 
 

 Worst...speed dating...session...EVER!

In the summers, I worked at a restaurant across the parking lot from a movie theater, and when I worked the afternoon shifts, I'd go across the way, walking across the blacktop in the scorching heat and meet my friends waiting in the shade under the theater awning.

There was nothing like walking into that theater, the cold blast of recycled air, the smell of the popcorn, the rush of seeing something new and exciting.

I remember the day I stopped going to the movies regularly.  I was hanging out with a girl named Cindy, had a huge crush on her.  We were going to go see a movie, but we ended up hanging out in the parking lot drinking beers, smoking weed and listening to Pink Floyd's "The Wall".  We made out later that night and I was in heaven.  Suddenly, movies didn't seem so important.  We continued to hang out for a couple of weeks.

In fact, about two weeks later, I had a birthday party at a friends house.  At some point, late in the night when the alcohol was nearly gone and the lights were dim, I found Cindy in my friends' parents bedroom under the covers.  The crush was crushed.  I didn't see a movie for months after that.  Every time I thought about seeing a movie, I kept thinking of that magical evening in the parking lot with Cindy and I did something else instead.

Life-Altering Moments:

Why, you might ask, am I prattling on about movies?  I suppose because movies can have an impact in our lives.  Like a good book.  I remember when I first read 1984.  Changed my life.  That's probably why I have problem with authority.  But movies can have the same impact.  Think of the movies you've seen that stick with you.

There's a moment in E.T. that I will always remember, the moment when the kid releases all the frogs and makes a connection with that girl he likes in his class.  I spent the next year in science class trying to figure out how to release all the frogs just so I could impress Tanya Jerrell.  Sadly, the frogs were already dead, so my strategy was doomed before it even started.

I felt the same way after seeing "Lost In Translation".  Loved it.  Same with Blade Runner and Secretary, Star Wars, Lawrence of Arabia and Raiders of the Lost Ark.  I have a new movie to add to that pantheon of movies; "Up In The Air."

It's a bachelor movie.  It's a movie about bachelors, for bachelors.  Well, aging bachelors, actually.  It takes everything we hold dear, freedom, fun, independence, casual sex, and turns it on its head.  It was one of those movies that made me sit still for a bit afterwards and really think about what I had just seen.

I've reached the conclusion that "Up In The Air" is like the movie Swingers, but, you know, for entirely different reasons.  For the longest time I've told women that there are a handful of movies they should watch if they really want an insight into the male mind.  There aren't too many out there, you know.

Swingers is one of them.  It's like a map of the 20-something bachelor mind.  Every 24 year old manchild wants to be "money", like the wolf with the fangs...SOOO money (watch the movie, you'll get it). 

Then there's "High Fidelity" a frightening look into the neurotic, sometimes terrifying, always self sabotaging mind of the 30-something bachelor.  It even comes complete with full instructions on creating the "perfect mix tape" which reached it's peak in the early 90's, but still manages to be relevant even today.

It's a Thinker:

As I stave off middle age, still single, and oddly okay with that, a movie like "Up In The Air" hits home.  It raises questions that, frankly, I have been avoiding for quite some time.  Do I need to grow up?  Are things like commitment and raising a family and making solid plans for the future really the things I should be focusing on now?  Is it really okay to be content with the thought that I might never get married or have children, even though I've always thought that my 40's would be a good time to start a family if I ever got to that point?  Is it okay that I really don't think about that kind of thing very much, except, of course, after I watch movies like U.I.T.A.?

Quite honestly, I don't know the answers to these questions.  But I suppose that's why I like movies like that one, and Lost In Translation.  Because they make me think.  They make me question my lifestyle, my choices and take a look at where I'm at and where I'm going.

I find as I get older, I miss my friends more when I'm not with them.  I dread the days when I don't have a show perform in.  Not because I won't be performing, but because I will miss the comraderie with the rest of the cast, the time I spend with my friends, the magic of making something beautiful (most of the time) with them to entertain others.

I hold onto those moments, I look forward to them, perhaps too much.  Because those moments fill out my week, they give a purpose to all the crap I do the previous six days.  Those moments motivate me, they push me.  If I can just get through to Friday, then my reward is three wonderful hours with people I love to be with, doing something that brings me joy.

I suppose I should get another hobby, you know, to balance things out in my life.  But things go in cycles.  Sometimes, I'm busier than seems humanly possible, other times in my life, I have less to do and it's the little things that keep me going.

But I also ask these questions because of something else that happened over the weekend.  

Last Thursday night, around 1am, I got a call from a friend.  A woman.  A woman who I like very much as a friend and a woman who is going through a lot in her life.  If I were a different man, I'd be there for her more.  I'd dote on her, I'd do things to make her life easier.  But I'm not that guy. Yes, I care about her and it makes me sad what she's going through.  But we are two really different people.  Our relationship has never gone past the stage of being good friends, which we're both more than okay with.

She calls me and tells me about how she made the first move with a guy she met at a bar.  This isn't like her.  She's very conservative, very traditional.  As such, she has always believed that men absolutely have to make the first move.  She has said with pride, on several occasions  that she has never asked a guy out.  I suppose that isn't true now, but that isn't the point.

The point is that it raises a good question about gender issues and roles in society as we move into the second decade of the new millenium.  I've always thought it was perfectly okay for a woman to ask a guy out.  But she really questions whether a real, strong, honest relationship could ever develop from a woman making the first move with a guy.

Now remember, this is a woman with very strong, conservative and traditional convictions.  A woman who got married early, found out her husband wasn't who he said he was, and is now feeling her way in the world as a single person for the first time in her adult life.  Somewhere along the way, compromises have to be made, new realities have to be faced.

It's okay, today, for women to be bolder, to make the first move, to initiate a relationship.  In my opinion, does it really matter who makes the first move?  In the end, both parties are going to have to work together to make any kind of relationship work.

Really, It's Okay:

I think I can say, with confidence, that most bachelors are perfectly okay with a woman not only showing interest, but making the first move.  There are a lot of games that people play when meeting someone for the first time.  And the games can be fun.  We flirt, we hint, we are coy and then aggressive, shy, but open, vulnerable yet confident.  We can be ourselves, we can be someone completely different.  That's part of the fun of new relationships.

So, ladies, excuse the men if sometimes we might glance across a room at you, letting our gaze stick just a little too long, and smile crookedly as we make eye contact, but then never make a move.  Sometimes, even if we really want to, the thought of approaching you and making the first move is overshadowed by the thoughts of putting in the work to charm you, to woo you, only to find out you're dating someone, or you're just looking for a fling or maybe you're not interested at all.

Most of the time, those things don't stop us.  But every now and then, we're tired.  We just want a drink with friends.  Bachelors are used to rejection.  We're trained at a young age to be able to deal with people, women especially, telling us, "no thank you."

And if you're dating someone, but showing interest in us, your relationship status really doesn't matter to us.  Sometimes the fun is in the chase alone, or the ego boost we get from just knowing someone was interested.  And we lock away all those thoughts of relationships gone bad, because we're not thinking that far ahead.  It really just boils down to, sometimes we don't have the energy to make that first move.

However, if you make the first move, then half the work is already done for us.  We're willing to take that leap if you just push us a little.  After that, it's all on equal footing and it doesn't matter who said what to who first.

in the end, I guess it boils down to what you want.  Are you so attracted to that guy or gal that you simply can't resist taking that first step, regardless of the consequences?  Are you looking for a one night stand, or something more serious?  Are you willing to put in the time to figure out what the other one wants?  For one moment, ladies, you get to be in the shoes of the bachelor.  Enjoy it.

Feel the power and the freedom of making the first move.  Feel the pride when you get shot down, knowing you had the guts to step out of your comfort zone and approach that attractive single across the bar.  It's liberating, it really is. 

So get out there, ladies.  Make the first move.  Buy them a drink, ask them their sign, come up with a creative and funny "line" to make contact.  Find yourself a wingman.  If you're lucky, you might just find yourself at a movie, holding hands and enjoying at least one night of companionship.

And that can be more life-changing than any mere movie could ever be.